Is This the Wrong Choice?

I have no personal experience with divorce.

You need to follow Osohapi's advice and understand the differences on what is happening, custody, etc.

It was the first night, and he needs to learn how to take care of the kids. Leave him a list of instructions and tell him you cannot take calls at work to help him parent. If he's going to have any kind of visitation (even if it's not 50/50 custody), he's going to need these skills. It's hard to defend your ex with all he has done, BUT if he's trying to do child care, that's a plus. Your daughter is not used to him being gone and now being back, and she's not used to anyone except you, so her behavior is understandable...and temporary. If you are comfortable with him in your house, let him continue being the parent. Let him somehow develop some respect for what it takes to be one. If he cannot manage it, it's unlikely he will fight for more custody - so you'll win out in the end.

In the short run, it's okay if her teeth aren't brushed once or twice or if she's not in pajamas.

Getting a job, and keeping it, look good on paper. It shouldn't stop him from paying support though, so don't give up on all the legal advice Mamapedia moms have given you in all your posts.

You can't control who he talks to - and if you don't want him checking to see if you're on the phone when you have the kids, you have to let him talk to his girlfriend. It's possible he was asking her for advice or moaning about how hard it is to put pajamas on an uncooperative child. It's also possible he was having a purely personal call too - although I'm not sure how productive it was if your daughter was fussing - but that's not your concern. Your concern is the condition your kids are in when you get home, and he may not do it your way.

It's to his advantage to get them to sleep, so the more you help him do that, the better it is for all. You're both still in the early stages of this process so you'll have to feel your way. Ultimately, I can't imagine that you want him in your house - you are entitled to privacy and a life. So he needs to have a crib for the baby and a toddler bed for the older child, and diapers and everything else.

Don't quit your job. That will look bad in court. Give him a chance. This was the first night. I'm sure it was an adjustment for all of them. And yes, this is normal behavior for your first night away. Your daughter is used to mommy getting her ready for bed. She will learn to work with dad. You have to learn to trust him. He's their father. You chose to make two children with this man. He can't be all bad or you never would have chosen him to father your children. Give him a chance. Give the job a chance. You must become financially independent. If this is your only option (which it sounds like it is) make this situation work. Show him what to do. Make a list including times. Brush teeth at 8pm. Put daughter to bed by reading 2 books at 9pm. Etc. Good luck and keep us posted. Congrats on the job! Don't quit!!!

You need a job.
Maybe not a night job - but you definitely do need to work.
You're going to eventually need day care too, and I'm not seeing Dad stepping into this role in any sort of competent way.
Get a job at a daycare if you can so you get paid but can also have your kids there too.
Who wants a 50/50 time share arrangement with the kids? You or Ex Hubby?
Or maybe he wants this so he can avoid paying child support?
Too bad for him - he needs to help pay for child care.
You need to be with the kids at night.
He doesn't seem like he's remotely interested in doing anything with the kids - and as much as you'd like him to be an involved father - you can't make him.
He'd rather be chasing women - let him.
"Free" him from watching the kids - but he has to help pay for who ever WILL be watching the kids.
If you haven't done so already, get a lawyer and get a child support order in place.
Talk to a womens shelter - they'll have all sorts of good advice for you.

Ok, you need to get straight in your head that custody, visitation and child support are all three DIFFERENT things. You can still have "joint custody" and you have the kids majority of the time with him getting 'visitation' or a parenting plan and him paying child support.

I have sole custody of my kids and my ex sees them every other weekend and every other holiday. There is a calculator online for your county that will figure out child support based on many factors.

If your ex is not able to care full time for the kids then he shouldn't have them. I would talk to him about this happening and point out that if he is to have them 50% of the time, then you won't be coming home at 10pm to settle them down and help him out. He will have them all week by himself. Does HE understand this? Bring up these concerns during your mediation. The mediator will likely be on your side when you state your issues and can help "guide" your ex to the best interest for the kids.

I understand you worrying about custody but I would go after getting the kids full time and he has them every other weekend....Friday after school until Sunday at 6pm. That is enough time to still have them without it being too hard for him to handle. I think all you have to do is point that out to him and he will understand that he will need help or have to deal all on his own. Men are not moms for a reason. lol Lots of single dads out there can handle it on their own but it sounds like maybe yours can't. Or he needs some practice.

This is the worst thing about divorce...the effect on the kids. I hope you figure it out. Good luck.

I think you need to give it time. Dad needs to have time to learn how to do this on his own. And your 3 year old needs time to adjust. Don't quit your job. Give him tips on how to get her to bed. It might take a while for them to find their routine and for everyone to be happy. My husband who does help out with the kids will often do things differently than I will and when he puts our daughter to bed it always takes longer. Since your ex is not used to doing this he is going to have to go through a learning curve and figure it out. Give it time.

So I think that your child was upset and he didn't brush her teeth or get her ready for bed, is all pretty normal given the circumstances. When my older kids watch the younger ones, stuff doesn't always get done and bedtimes are later than usual. So if you equate your ex to being about as responsible or experienced as my young teenager - then it makes sense if it's his first time.

That will come. I would not give up if I were you. You're letting his ineptitude affect a positive move on your part - just see it that way. So don't let HIM affect you any more.

Keep reminding yourself of that - with everything. It should be your mantra. Put yourself, then your kids - first. Mom has to make sure she'd doing what's right overall and for long term.

The other thing is, he won't get any better unless he learns. So if he is to have 50/50 (however that will work) then he has to figure this stuff out anyhow.

Could you explain that you will be unable to take calls during your shifts so that if he needs to understand their routine, you can go over it or leave a list? Same as you would a new babysitter.

Sorry you are going through this - it's a huge adjustment I know and having emotions and taking on a new job must seem overwhelming and having your little ones adjusting too - stressful.

Keep us posted. It WILL get easier and your kids WILL adjust ok. Lots of love and support for them as I'm sure you are in the meantime. I wouldn't check the phone logs by the way - you're just going to get upset, and really - you can't control who he talks to when the kids are in his care. It's irresponsible for sure, but don't take on that battle now. Let that go. So don't even check. It will just upset you. Keep mom's mental state positive as much as you can! Good luck :)

You have gotten some good suggestions already. Re-read the posts from J.B. and Diane B. It was the first night in a process of ALL of you moving into a new way of doing things. Dad has never put them to bed before, so it naturally didn't go smoothly. He will learn, and they will learn how to interact with him as a care-giving parent. You also will learn that he will do things differently, and that doesn't mean they are done wrong. I really understand how hard it is to let go of control and wanting others to do things our way with our kids. It is a skill you will have to learn, however.

I do think it will make the transition process go more easily if he has the kids in his place, so you aren't tempted to check up on his phone use and they can develop their own 'with Dad' routine. Logistically, it may not be feasible five days a week right now with a nursing child, however you should have it as the objective that he will have them overnight sometimes as part of shared custody.

Another long-term goal is for you to find work which you enjoy and will pay you enough to support you and your kids. Waiting tables is a good step for now. Keep thinking, however, about whatever work you did or envisioned for yourself pre-kids. Are there steps you need to take in order to make that job a real option in the future? What are those steps, and how will you get there? If you need public assistance or your ex to pay for childcare while you get the schooling you need, then so be it. You having a good job (whatever that is for you) will benefit everyone, especially your kids, in the long run. Nervy Girl's suggestions are excellent on this point. Good luck!

Get an attorney NOW!! He doesn't get to say what he will and won't pay for. You need to protect you and the kids financially NOW.

It was the first night. You need to tell him you can't take calls while working and whatever problems he has he needs to figure it out especially since he wants 50/50. Teeth not brush or gammies will not shatter the world but he MUST get them in bed at a reasonable hour.

In other words, he needs to put his big boy pants on and get to parenting. His whiny "she wouldn't let me" will not fly. He's the parent. He needs to parent his children. If he can't then again this is why you need an attorney and you need to hammer out visitation or supervised visitation. That could be why he was talking to the "her". He might have called to ask what the hell does he do.

Attorney - NOW!

Have you looked into public assistance? With no income at all, for starters, he should be paying you child support under temporary orders right now. If he's not, get to court ASAP so that you have some income coming in from that. He can't just leave you destitute. With little to no income, you should qualify for some assistance. I would think that the best thing for you would be to see if you can qualify for a daycare subsidy and get a real, regular day job. What did you do for work before you were married and had kids? You're not going to make ends meet waiting tables - I admire your work ethic that you're willing to get out there and work nights and try to cover childcare expenses by having your ex care for his kids, but that's not a sustainable way to support your family long-term. I'd give the job some time and give your ex and your kids some time to try to settle into a routine, but you need a better plan for the long term. If you haven't already reached out the office of transitional assistance in your area (a/k/a welfare), then please do so. This is exactly why safety net programs were created and there is no shame in using available help for a short period while getting on your feet. You may qualify for a job training or education program that prepares you for careers that are hiring right now and can provide a living wage, and many of those come with a childcare subsidy so that your kids can be cared for while you're in class.

He will learn how to be a father, he has to. Also, you need to get legal help and make sure it states he is paying for half of all child/day care. You can not be limited to his off time to find work hours or you will not be able to makes ends meat.

This is going to be a process for you all and it there will be growing pains.

Ugh, again, you can't control what he does when he's with his own kids. Stop checking his phone, that's so HIGH SCHOOL. Get a lawyer. Yes you need a job but you need real childcare and job training, trying to do this with your ex and on his schedule is just ridiculous. If you are truly desperate for cash then take in a few kids during the day, that way you can earn some income without incurring daycare expenses.

It's not wrong to get a job what will provide for your kids. You need to find out your rights in your state regarding your children and his responsibility for child support. Many courts order both parents to pay for childcare. Some childcare providers have scholarships or reduced rates for certain income levels. You need to get more information on your options and you need a lawyer.

Updated

It's not wrong to get a job what will provide for your kids. You need to find out your rights in your state regarding your children and his responsibility for child support. Many courts order both parents to pay for childcare. Some childcare providers have scholarships or reduced rates for certain income levels. You need to get more information on your options and you need a lawyer.

He is showing you his 'best behavior' with the kids. I would not expect much more.

I agree with B's answer. A job at a daycare is a great idea. I also worked in a kids room at a gym and was allowed to bring my kids to work with me.
Also, some restaurants will allow food servers to work every other weekend which might be handy if/when he has kids for weekend.

This is an adjustment period for everyone. Maybe he will surprise you and eventually step up to the plate of parenting. But until then, don't quit this job, and keep looking for a more family friendly one.

I wasn't around for the first part of your drama question. Are you married to him? If you are NOT, go to Jobs and Family Services (that's what it is called in Ohio, not sure where you are at) but they can get you hooked up with daycare vouchers so that you may only pay like $20 a week in childcare or whatever. It is based on income. That way you could work during the day or mids and still have childcare based on the place that you take them too. You can get in home day care OR at a daycare center. Some of the in home days cares have more lenient hours for working moms.

As for the behavior: If he has never been a true dad to them, they may not know him. He is virtually a stranger to them. I think you need to work up to that point with him and your kids. Sure he was talking to the married woman and I'm not trying to condone his behavior, but maybe he was asking advice from her as to what to do. You never know. This was only the first time. Everyone needs to adjust, you, him and your children. ALSO talk to your kids about it too, help them to understand what is going on. It should get better, but if it doesn't, reevaluate and see what is going on.

It sounds like you have to work...and that's the bottom line. It sounds like it was really a adjustment for your child and that is expected. Give it a few weeks before you decide to quit any job. If you quit this job, you still have to find a different one which would need to be the same working hours...and you are still in the same situation. Kids adapt to their surroundings. I know that this is a hard adjustment, but they will be fine,.

Go to your local social services office and apply for child care assistance. Then get a job you enjoy and can do that is during the day.

In my own personal opinion there's no way a child should go to bed at 7pm and if I were with your child I wouldn't put the kid to bed until 8 or 9. While she is with him he does NOT have to go by your rules. Welcome to your child having 2 homes, 2 parents, and 2 sets of rules. The more you push him the more he will do the opposite. He is her father and has just as much right to decide when to put her to bed as you do. She isn't your's only.

Yes, she wants her home back like it was. Not going to happen so you just have to cope. She is also 3 years old. A hard time developmentally for kids most of the time. They're not toddlers anymore, they are mentally in that Pre-School age group and they are still learning to manage their body, process situations and respond with the right words, figure out how to express emotions, and so much more. Now her life is all upside down too.

So you have to get a job that will support you and your child. Not work around his schedule. Women all over the country get assistance for child care costs. They have to. No one can afford to work and pay child care. Not unless they're making $20 an hour. So this is why child care assistance exists. When I owned my own center I had over 50 kids enrolled. Every single one of them got assistance based on their income. Some families had 2 parents and both worked. They had good jobs too, both were making about double minimum wage at that time. They also has 4 kids. They paid about $400 per month in child care. Tax deductible too where you can get that child care credit.

BTW, any part of child care you have to pay can be court ordered how you want BUT you will be responsible for paying it 100% if he doesn't pay his part. Set it up where he sends the money to you. If he doesn't pay you are out. The child care provider does NOT have to wait for their money, they simply terminate your child's care. So consider your child care co-pay as part of your budget and when you get money from him for his part you are ahead.

You need to find a friend who has started over, that knows about housing, state assistance for medical, dental, child care, food, etc..

You could even just go to college or some other educational venue so that you can make your own living doing something you at least enjoy.