My little boy is generally happy, charming, and has a great sense of humor. But he definitely has a "dark" side, and his stubbornness, tantrums, and violent behavior are starting to interfere with our normal activities. We've stopped going to Gymboree because he ran around screaming constantly. I often had to remove him from the class completely to get him to understand that such behavior wasn't OK. Every interaction at home is a battle. We try to offer choices (i.e. do you want to brush your teeth first or clean up your toys first before bedtime?) and that worked really well for awhile, but now he just thinks of his own option (usually "I don't want to go to bed") and insists on that. Transitions are always an ordeal. I try not to rush things, but eventually you just need to go to the car and leave. But when I pick him up to go, he slaps me repeatedly until we get to the car. He also loves to tell me about his bad behavior. For example, if I run errands without him on the weekend, when I get home he'll gleefully tell me "I hit Daddy! I didn't listen to Daddy!"
I know that 2 year old boys are active, but things seem to be getting worse. On certain days I feel like my son is sad or angry or frustrated most of the day. Should I have him evaluated? He's always liked to rock back and forth and he definitely has some other quirks (he loves loud music and will swing for hours at the park) but I'm wondering if there's a larger problem, like a Sensory Disorder, going on? A few times he's complained about the tags on his clothing and I know that can be a sign of SID. But it's only been an issue two or three times.
One more thing, his preschool teachers this year aren't very nurturing (unlike last year, which was wonderful). They're older and a little old-school. They have the attitude that kids that are quiet and obedient are "good", and every other type of child is "bad". Now that I think about it, I can't think of single day when they've told me anything good about my son at pick-up. There is also one little boy in his class who is extremely antagonistic and violent, and my son seems to have a love-hate relationship with him. The little boy drives him crazy but he can't seem to stay away from him. My son tells me he doesn't like school, doesn't like his teachers, etc. He only goes three mornings a week, but could this be part of the problem?
Sorry this is so long!
Thanks everyone. Lots of different opinions and advice here, but I think we're going to scout out some new schools as soon as possible, then talk to his Dr. at his 3-year appointment in a couple of months. I think Cheryl's comment really hit home–I don't want his idea of school to be a place where he gets in trouble. I asked his teacher today if he ever has any good days or if she notices any progress with him and she just sort of laughed and snorted. Not good. As for more severe punishment, we don't believe in spanking (I was spanked as a child and it definitely had a negative effect on me and my relationship with my parents) so that's not an option for us. As far as when the problems started, it was probably around 18 months. The thing is, he's extremely social and quite verbal, so I assume Autism isn't the issue, but maybe I'm wrong?
Sorry but bad teachers do not make bad kids. He is testing his limits. You need to be consistent.
There is a reason they call them the terrible twos though they rarely end at three.
I would have him evaluated. Could be that this is a normal 2.5 yr-old phase, but also could be a sensory disorder. The rocking, the hitting, and the inability to engage in structured activities are certainly reasons to talk to your pediatrician. He's still so young, so it's hard to tell whether this truly is something that will need intervention or just toddler frustration.
Either way, I might consider switching preschools...at this age if he can't be with you all day, a more nurturing environment is where he should be.
Please don't take any offense to this, but I wonder if you are looking for a diagnosis as opposed to just not tolerating your son's behavior.
He's 2-1/2. They complain. They throw tantrums. They honestly believe the entire world revolves around what they want and what they don't want.
For some kids, giving a "choice" is not always a good thing.
"We are going to pick up your toys, then we are going to brush your teeth, then you are going to bed".
That is the plan. That is what is expected. That is what is going to happen.
If you structure things like that, some kids really, really respond really well to it.
I'm kind of an old school mother. I had expectations for my kids and they weren't perfect, by any means, I'm just saying that sometimes switching things up instead of finding a "reason" for a behavior can be really effective.
Three years old can be a really rough age as far as testing boundaries, etc.
Parents are in charge. Not the child.
Just my opinion.
A) Evaluation NEVER hurts, information is always good
B) school doesn't sound like a good fit, can he change rooms or schools?
C) I LOVED having a little baby. I like having an almost 4 year old boy. I'm desperately trying to forget the part in between! It will get better!
First of all, I would probably pull him from the preschool and find one that is more accepting and understanding about child development and little boy energy. As far as the little antagonistic boy, there will always be kid like that and your son will need the tools to learn how to deal with kids that play rougher, are busier or simply are different form what he's used to. I don't think it's unusual for him to be drawn to playing with this little boy. My son used to be sweet with the quieter kind little ones, but would feed off the crazy busy ones.
The other stuff you describe; the slapping, telling about bad behavior etc... all sounds like attention seeking stuff to me. If he's getting big reactions from you and/or your husband for negative behavior, it's probably pretty entertaining and amusing to him. I would take a look at reactions and be sure that you're firm and matter of fact, but not reactive.
The behavior at Gymboree sounds like overstimulation, and /or over tired. Some kids wind down and can fall down to sleep anyplace, and other wind up and get crazy. My two got crazy. I paid careful attention to be sure that they got regular sleep and naps, and stayed close to a routine for eating, sleep and activity. I taught them how to identify their feelings by asking them how their body felt, and teaching them to breathe to calm down.
All in all, I'd say that your son's behavior is pretty normal for a 2 1/2 year old. But I would start to really concentrate on consistency and boundaries. He is learning to push and test the boundaries to find his place in the world, and your hard work to create boundaries now will help you as he gets older. It doesn't get easier unless you do the work now.
Good luck!!
What you describe sounds a lot like my son at that age. The exceptions being the rocking back and forth and swinging at the park. I just chalked it up as normal age 2 1/2 boy behavior. Things go in phases for my son. Once he passed this phase we moved on to other 'issues' that he needed to work through to learn how to behave appropriately. I do always suggest that if a parent is concerned to talk to a Pediatrician to ease your mind or determine if you need intervention.
As for the preschool....I would be changing preschools immediately if I was not happy with the one I was at. I am sure there is one with a better 'fit' for you and your son.
If my boss never said anything good about me, I'd probably have to change jobs. Your son probably knows that his teachers don't think highly of him. I would worry that he's developing a mental model of school that he doesn't fit in, school is bad, etc. That's going to make the next 14 years a long slog. If switching schools is a possibility, you might give that a whirl.
I would get him evaluated for your own peace of mind. 2-3 for my son was cuhh-raaaazzzy temper tantrums, he hated transitions, he wouldn't share, and then he turned 3 and it was like someone flipped a switch. There's still the occasional melt down but it's once a week or two as opposed to two or three times a day. But if there's any doubt in your mind, and you can afford the evaluation, then why suffer? They may even have some advice on how to survive being 2 even with a normal child. :)
Find a new preschool for him. If the teachers never have anything positive to say, that's not a good environment. Second, you may need to have more structure at home. Sometimes the giving kids a choice thing can be taken too far and as a parent you just have to say, "it's time to..." Get the Love & Logic book for toddlers. Will help you a ton. If those changes don't make difference, or you are seeing more sensory issues, talk to your peditrician or an occupational therapist about getting him evaluated.
If your son is normal, he started his first overt defiance and tantrums and stuff around or before 18 months. If you have ALWAYS firmly disciplined these behaviors, and at two, he is getting worse despite continued consistent firm discipline, then yes, he may have a disorder. If all you have done is remove him or give him choices, he is doing exactly what he can get away with. What were his extremely firm consequences for hitting you or your husband? If there were none, he is a healthy boy doing what any two year old would do. If you want him to behave well, you need to discipline him more firmly. If you feel people's (teachers) expectations are too high, and it's their problem for not being more nurturing, then just let it go and wait for him to outgrow it. You don't need their approval. If you want to discipline it, this book is great and effective, Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson.
It wouldn't hurt to talk to your son's pediatrician. Most counties have a group that evaluates children for various delays and problems.
Yes and no.
Whenever you are questioning whether you should have your child evaluated you should do it. There is a part of you that thinks he needs it so be sure. The earlier the intervention the better.
I know it's a huge hassle but find new child care. A new environment could show you a lot. Plus old school is great for military school. But with all the developments in early childhood education new school may be exactly what you need.
Good luck and trust you instincts!
A., I do think you are spot on in the idea of sensory integration disorder. The need to swing for hours is a real hallmark of that.
I would really consider getting your doctor to send you to a developmental ped and OT who specializes in autism spectrum and sensory integration disorder. I'm not saying that your son has autism, but some of his behaviors are indicative of it, and the OT can help. I also would talk to the developmental ped about his behavior. Although some of this is normal, there's so much of it together, that I would not consider it to be all that normal in the aggregate.
I would REALLY consider finding a different preschool. He needs a place that nurtures and has some experience with kids who have special needs. People who don't have experience with special needs tend to try to box in kids with "differences". That can make school seem very trying to these kids, and exacerbate their bad behavior at school and elsewhere.
Please try these ideas, A.. I don't think that ignoring it or allowing it to continue unchecked will fix this, and I don't think he'll "grow out of it". Early intervention can go a long way toward making his first years in elementary school successful and calm. That's what you are working toward right now, you see.
Dawn
Have you discussed this with your pediatrician? I believe your son should be evaluated. I am going to recommend you do some research on the web too. I am familiar with oppositional defiant disorder and do not know much about other disorders that might have these behaviors. If you have an EAP program available to you, I would call them for direction too.
