So my stbx and I live in the same house but separated, he's upstairs and I'm downstairs. We've been stuck in the same house due to his job troubles and financial reasons.
Well he finally got a job offer and is going to take the job. That's the good news. Now we can move on with the seperation and divorcing.
Lately he has been playing poker 3 or 4 nites a week and doesn't get home til 2AM. Then the other night at 9PM he got a call or text and said he had to go help a friend. Said he wouldn't be gone long. He didn't get home until after 1AM. Last night he said he was going to play poker and didn't come home at all. I asked him if he was seeing someone. He said even if he was, why does it matter? I apologized and said, you're right, it's none of my business where you go or who you see. But if it affects the girls then I will be concerned.
Today he took the girls with him and they hung out with some lady and her two daughters all day. I thought he was going to spend quality time with the girls since he's been doing nothing but playing poker and working. When they got home D9 told me about their day. She said the lady was nice and tried to share a candy bar with D9 but it made D9 feel awkward. She was like why should I take a bite of her candy bar after she bit into it? And it was awkward mom, she said.
I just need some input here because I can't think straight right now. Clearly he's moved on much faster than me but I didn't expect this until after we were at least legally seperated. And it makes me uncomfortable that my girls met with his lady friend without my consent. Would you be upset? Please help me do the right thing. What should I say? Or do I just let it go?
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What part of it are you wondering is normal?
It all sounds common enough. Ex gets girlfriend, girlfriend tries too hard, kid doesn't like it.
As long as the woman's reasonably normal and nice, let it go, and get him to move out. It's time.
I think it is time for him to be moved out, whether he can afford it or not. IMO moving a relationship to that level (meeting the kids) while you still live with your soon to be ex is just rude and insensitive. I would tell him that I am happy he has moved on, now he needs to move out.
I often think it is interesting that the one who dates last always says it is wrong the other is dating. So to answer, your response is normal but then so is him dating. You have been separated for over a year, you have called it off, then changed your mind.
I am saying this in case you consider Gamma G's advice about how the court sees his dating, viable. The court only marginally cares if the dating actually caused the divorce and considering you have been separated for over a year, it has not. Bringing something like that into the proceedings opens a can of worms that is very expensive. I would not do it.
The best thing you can do is ease your children's anxiety. The only ones who get hurt when parents stop looking only at what is best for their kids is the kids.
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I only mentioned it because my ex racked up a mess of attorney costs and was forced to pay mine on the matter because it pissed him off that I was dating. His attorney was well aware it meant nothing to the settlement or child/spousal support but he advised him to attack me anyway. Cost my ex about 20,000 and for nothing.
I know that you recognize this, but you need to step back and really look at how awkward the situation is. If he had moved out following your separation, you wouldn't know (or care) what time he came home at night. As long as he is not supposed to be responsible for watching your kids, you really can't - and shouldn't - say anything about when he comes and goes or what he does while he's out. I know you know this, but you just really need to try to let go and let him be.
However, as for having your daughters meet a new girlfriend, I DO think you have the right to CALMLY talk to him about it. Forbidding it will never work - it will just drive him to do it more. You need to talk to him about WHY you're not comfortable having them meet "just any girl" and want him to hold off until the relationship is more serious and there is some expectancy that she'll be around for a long time. You also need to stay neutral and make sure you don't give him any fuel to fight back with "you're just jealous," since he may try to hit below the belt. You need to be rational about how it can hurt the girls to have women coming in and out of their lives, and how important stability is for them, especially right now while the separation is still so new.
I hope it gets better for you soon. I'm glad he got the job and can move out - things will be much easier after that.
I suggest that you look at this as him being your ex and you're no longer sharing your lives. When he comes and goes is none of your business. If you lived in separate houses you wouldn't even know what he's doing.
What a father, in this situation, does is also none of your business unless he's harming the children. What you've described is not harmful. It's the next step in adjusting to this new situation. He will do many other things that you'll question because you think it's not good for your children. However, he's their father, and he no longer answers to you. You have to let go and let him parent his children in the way that works for him. He does not need nor would I expect that he gets your consent for activities he does with his children.
You can question it and you can talk with him about your feelings. If you start out the conversation with the judgment that you don't like this then he's apt to not be willing to talk with you.
What is important now is to work on finding ways to work together for the good of your children. Be sure that you have reason to be concerned before you bring a subject up with your stbx. For all practical purposes, he's now your ex. You will be much further ahead if you accept that he is and that he has the right to make this sort of decisions without consulting you. Also know that he will make mistakes. Keeping good feelings and communication between you will help both of help your children to adjust.
It's normal for your daughter to feel awkward. She is learning a different way of looking at and doing some things. Taking a bit of candy after the other mom did so wasn't done at your house or she doesn't feel comfortable doing it because she doesn't know this woman. I suggest, rather than being upset that this happened, it will be more helpful if you help your daughter understand her reaction and talk about ways to handle similar situations in the future. Make the focus on helping your daughters adjust instead of on making a judgment over whether or not it should've happened.
Yes, you also need to focus on how you feel about it. Do that on your own after you help your daughter. You cannot undo the visit or the candy issue. It's happened and your daughter needs to know that how she feels is OK and that you're not going to judge her Dad. If you tell her by word or behavior that her father should not have even had her with his friend then she's even more confused and having more difficulty adjusting. It puts her in a space where she will begin to think she has to choose sides.
Keep what the adults do and feel separate from helping the kids adjust.
Perhaps you should have a talk with your stbx and tell him that he needs to consider his children's feelings. Tell him that the girls need to get used to the idea that he will have another woman in his life and take it slow with the kids. Tell him that the woman he was with made your daughter uncomfortable with the candy bar, though she didn't mean to. It probably has to do with the fact that she has to come to terms with her father dating more than anything else, but still, such a "familiar" thing as sharing an already bitten candy bar is reserved for family members and didn't help her feel at ease with this woman.
You might tell him that it might help his kids if he waited until he was serious about a woman before introducing the kids to her.
If you talk about it in a very clinical way, without emotion, perhaps he won't get twisted up about it. When you tell him exactly what the woman did to weird your daughter out, I hope he will actually try to remember that she is a child and is a fish out of water, so to speak, with her father (who still lives in the house with her mother) dating, and she cannot be expected to react like a pragmatic adult.
Good luck...
He can date who he wants to but be sure and let your attorney know he's doing this. Do NOT move on yourself. This makes him look bad and you look good. I was counseled by my attorney when I got a divorce from hubby #1 that many people don't realize how this makes you look in the court room.
"Hubby was cheating on me and took the girls along with them on a date"
"My wife is dating someone too your honor, just like I said, our marriage was over and she moved on".
Not like it really happened but it's all about how it sounds.
you cant really DO anything about him moving on and having a new relationship or new friendships. idk what you expected him to be like once you both decided that the marriage was over but you dont have to sit around after the divorce is final either and he has no say of how you spend your time either. some people share food as a form of bonding but i think its weird to eat after strangers and wont share with anyone but my husband and kids. its kinda icky i dont care if one thinks it is bonding. not into it. just like i think its weird for an adult woman to be like " can i play with your hair" its something some women bond over but i have never ever been into. its weird to me but nothing like STAY AWAY FROM MY KID weird just annoying behaviors.
urrghh why are guys like this??! They always meet chicks right away. My cheating stbx still lives with me too for financial reasons but luckily he's gone almost all the time because he travels for a living. When he's home, he doesn't date. (it's the only time he doesn't apparently). Neither do I. And TECHNICALLY, I would allow him to and he would allow me to, because we're separated, but even he has the decency not to date in my face or around the kids until we are divorced, and even though he deserves no kindness, I would not date in front of him either. SO. Yes, it's a drag until affording two separate homesteads becomes doable.
Ask him to wait until you are divorced and living apart before he takes the girls to hang out with other ladies....REALLY???! He probably won't listen though so just keep your kids with you, and send him off on his own immature outings from now on. And let him go. The less you care the better as long as the kids aren't involved. What bothers me most is that by doing this, he's teaching them it's normal to just overlap women including wives. You're still the main woman in your family to your girls and he still lives with you. This is not OK. The memories of when dad used to take them dating when you all still lived together will NOT set good standards in your daughter's lives. Let him do his dating in private, not with the kids.
the thing not normal is that you are still living together. since you are not a couple, what he does at night, and his dating, and introducing his kids to his new gal pal, are all completely normal.
not fun. but normal.
if you want to have input into these things, you need to make sure you maintain a civil, courteous relationship with him, so that he remains WILLING to accept your perspective. if you are accusatory, or jealous, or threatening, he will tune you out. and the ones who will suffer the most are your kids.
awkwardness as the kids meet new 'friends' is unavoidable. this one at least sounds nice.
khairete
S.
If you want more anwers to this question then change the title because this is a very serious topic that deserves more answers. I feel for you. You were by his side when he was jobless and now that he has a job, he also has a love life. I, too, would be a bit jealous.
I haven't read the other responses yet, but I think you need to let it go. I think it would have been nice for him to let you know ahead of time, but he really doesn't have an obligation to do so. I think it may be harder for you since you still live in the same house. In a sense you are still together.
I don't think you have a right to say anything unless she treats your children poorly. I think as mothers we feel we always know what is best and right....us. In realty another woman can be just as nice and caring, it doesn't mean she will/can replace us.
He doesn't need your permission, he is their father. Just relax, it's hard, I know, don't start trouble where it may not be warranted.
Oh and the candy sharing thing, yes its weird, but some people feel differently about sharing. I wouldn't do that, but that's just me.
