Is This Boy's Behaviour Appropriate?

Typical "girl-hating" behavior.
Maybe the kid was trying to be empowered to stop annoying behavior.
She'll get the drift eventually. They'll probably go to prom together.

He's just embarrassed. Maybe talk to your daughter and let her know that boys sometimes don't like to be around girls and it has nothing to do with her. But then again, maybe she really does annoy him. That doesn't mean there is something wrong with your daughter or the other boy, he just finds her annoying. In the older days, you never saw boys playing with girls and vise versa. I think you are taking it too personally and and perhaps this is a good lesson for daughter that you can't spend your entire life being sensitive about every little thing that happens to you.

I have to add, that I find it quite interesting when you added that the family is also going through a rough divorce, so many women on here automaticaly assume the father is manipulative and the boy is acting manipulative just like his father (even though you didn't mention anything about the father). I dont find his actions manipulative, but even if they were, who's to say he didn't learn his manipulative behavior from his mother? Jumping to conclusions aren't we ladies?!

A 9 year old and a 7 year old, is VERY different developmentally.
At 9 years old, they are not on the same page as a little kid.
From 9-12 years old, they are now "Tweens."
He is embarrassed and spoke to you about what bothers him.... as succinctly as he could.

A child who is 9, is having their own friends.

Your daughter is 7, and you need to just explain to her, about friends and how to discern.... boundaries.

Whether or not this boy is manipulative or just being blunt about his thoughts, well who knows. No sense guessing at that.
But he DID say, that he is getting annoyed at her bothering him.
So, take that as a red-flag or as a direct hint... and explain to your daughter... about him.

He did after all SAY... what is irking him. So be thankful he said that and was 'mature' enough to do so. You are her parent, thus he spoke to you about it.

Or you talk to his parents.

Honestly, it sounds like he's being very honest. He doesn't like playing with her, and wants her to leave him alone at school. I'm sure the "stop it" sounded harsh, but the fact that she knows what "it" is means he's asked before.

I wouldn't expect him to get "really mean to her at some point" unless she continues to ignore his more polite messages.

Regardless of age differences no one has to like EVERYONE, and a nine-year-old boy certainly doesn't have to be friends with a seven-year-old girl. Encourage your daughter to play with the kids who like playing with her, and drop it with the kids who don't. Even with kids who DO want to play with us, it's important that we listen to their words and respect personal boundaries. Sounds like this kid has made his position clear, help your daughter respect that now or she'll end up feeling rejected later.

HTH
T.

As the mother of a 9 year old boy I've got to say the fact that he had the courage to talk to you really impressed me! Sounds like even though he is going through a tough time he's doing the honorable thing and trying to get an adult involved in a situation that is bothering him instead of resorting to 'playground justice'. I understand your daughter's feelings were hurt, but not everyone in her life is going to be her friend and this is a great opportunity to teach her that. I also have a 7 yo daughter, and that was a lesson we learned this year as well. She ran up to him, at school, in front of his friends, after he had told you that it embarrassed him when she did that - and announced they were going to have a play date. I think you're lucky he didn't say something more hurtful than stop it; most of the 9 yo's in my neighborhood would have been less nice about it. He is not manipulative, he is standing up for himself in a completely acceptable way; we tell kids to go to an adult if they have trouble with another kid - he did that (you) and the adult did nothing to help so he was forced to deal with it himself. If you think that's manipulative just wait till all the 2nd grade girl drama starts!

you are reading way too much into this. He is a 9 year old boy he is not cold and calculating he is asking you for help. Little girls No matter how cute they are running up to him a recess and after school with his friends is embarrassing he is asking you to talk to your daughter about it. Most likely he talked to his mom and she suggested he talk to you.

Your daughter is not going to his house to play with him but the other kids and he shouldn't be expected to "play" with a 1st grader.

at 9 years old there is a certain coming of age with little boys as much as you don't realize it now there is a HUGE age difference between 1st and 3rd grade. Talk to your daughter ask her to leave him alone during school explain that he is a "big Kid" and she is still just a little kid.

He sounds like a parent has said to him "quit tattling and work it out" he has told you he doesn't want to play with her. So you need to say to her "your going to have a play date with "x" the younger kid not the older one.

It sounds to me like he's being honest with you and it's nice he feels comfortable enough with you to tell you. I remember as a child being embarrassed when my younger brother or one of his friends wanted to play with me at school. They were little kids to me. You should talk to your daughter and tell her sometimes big boys don't want to play with younger girls and that sometimes their friends will make fun of them. If he has asked her to stop repeatedly and she is clueless about how he feels, she is just continuing to annoy him each time she sees him. My 7 yr old son is clueless about things like this too. It's just something you gradually learn as you get older.

I have a boy, now 14, but he would have been hugely embarrassed, if, while in 3rd grade a 1st grader consistently came up to him and announced she was coming to his house for a play-date. His friends would have just slayed him with the same type of teasing as your neighbor's boy is receiving from his friends. It is, unfortunately, the result of the age difference and the grade difference.

One of my former co-workers had a son about 4 years younger than my son. They both attended the same Boys and Girls Club for several years. When mine was 10 he hated that this little 6 year old boy would call out to him and run up to him to "play" while at club. Mind you, we all did things together outside of club and my son liked the boy and looked out for him in those settings, but it embarrassed him when he was around his friends. As he got older, he learned that it really didn't matter what the other boys thought, and that this younger child looked up to him as an older brother figure - but it takes time.

At 9, boys are beginning the long descent into the teen years and forming a sense of identity. Peer pressure is horrible and it takes strong parents and strong kids to overcome that type of pressure.

I think the boy was being strong and mature to bring this subject up to you. Of course, none of us want to think our children are being slighted by other children - and the boy is not slighting your daughter. He simply wants some boundaries established while at school. Very normal.

As to his saying that your daughter is a tattle tail - well, at 7 we teach our children to tell an adult. At 9, and with boys, we begin to teach them to work it out for themselves. So, again, this is a normal attitude for him to take.

Now, the teaching moment here is twofold. Teach your daughter boundaries and the differences between at home/neighborhood behaviors/relationships and respecting others' space in public. Encourage her to, maybe, just wave when she walks by him, not run up and announce play dates. (Oh, I just see my son cringing when this happened to him with our little friend.) I would leave the "tattle" thing alone - I would want my 7 year old to continue to tell an adult. Then teach the boy tolerance and patience, and that others' opinions are just that - opinions. Teach him compassion and patience and let him know that while you appreciate that your daughter's attention to him at school may be embarrassing, that you expect him, as the older child, to set a good example and not hurt her feelings.

There is a huge difference between 7 and 9 years old, compounded by the gender difference - please try and be sensitive to both children about this issue.

Good Luck and God Bless

Honestly, I think the boy is being honest. He is feeling threatened by your daughter's behavior and felt comfortable with you enough to talk to you about it. I don't think its innapropriate, its mature of him to be talking to you about it! I think what makes you uncomfortable is the fact that your sweet child is involved and you have a hard time acknowledging that she may be annoying him etc. and it upset you!

I would stop the playdates for awhile and see if things get better. Divorce is messy-especially for kids. Their feelings are all over the map--support this child and let him know that you appreciate him bringing this to your attention. You may not like what he said, but give him credit when credit is due.

M

I have a 12 yr old son and a 9 yr old daughter. They are VERY close. However, when they were at the same small private school and he was in 4th grade and she was in 1st, (so 10 and 7 yrs old respectively), he HATED to have her and her friends call out to him or try to play with him at school where his friends could see. It is part of that "being too big" to play with "little kids" thing. Just growing pains. He still can be like that with her now when his friends are around (he's now in 7th grade and she is in 4th), but when it is just the 2 of them, or just them and one other close friend that has also known her for several years... he has NO issues (beyond normal sibling rivalry type issues sometimes).
If the kids' parents are going through a divorce, then he probably is dealing with a lot. Maybe the added "embarrassment" of having a much younger (yes, to him it is MUCH younger) GIRL approach him at school, is just more than he can deal with right now. Sounds like he has approached it in a very mature way, actually, by discussing it with YOU. I'd guess, since that is all I CAN do, that he complained about it to his mom, and she suggested that he mention it to you at the next piano lesson. I know that I try to teach my kids to be proactive and advocate for themselves. If they are not successful, and they want me to, then I step in to assist. Maybe that is this little boy's mom's approach as well. ?

And for the record, at age 9, there is BIG issue for the boys/girls about being associated with the opposite sex sometimes. Not in ALL cases... but enough that it would be considered normal.

Sorry, but his story sounds plausible... even probable. It's possible that he feels more comfortable with you because you're his piano teacher. Or perhaps his parents have taught him to be confident in speaking with adults. Or maybe his parents are wrapped up in themselves with the divorce right now, and he knows you are an adult he can trust. Or some kids just get along better with adults than other kids, and being teased could be harder for him than other kids because of this. I had a friend like that growing up. She usually preferred the company of the other moms rather than us girls.

Or perhaps he is singling her out. Difficult to tell. Like the other mom said, it could be a good lesson learned for your daughter. It might be a good time to sit down with her and talk about how sometimes school is hard for some people, like boys who are friends with girls, especially younger girls. And maybe she should think about keeping their friendship just to the after school hours to help him out.

Good luck!

Well the rough divorce says a lot. His world is being turned upside down and he is old enough to understand what might happen to him.
Have the younger kids come to your house.
He is too old to play with her. Not all 9 yo's can hang with a 7 yo. Especially those who have younger siblings in the house that drive him nuts.
When he speaks of your daughter just tell him that she is 7. He needs to take care of himself and ignore her.
Tell her that Johnny doesn't want her hanging out with him and he is a big boy of almost 4th grade. She can hang with her little girl friends. It seems like she has a crush on him.
I hoep the mom can get him some counseling. Divorce at 9 is pretty traumatic.

If his family is going through a rough divorce, cut him some slack, but don't let him get away with anything he shouldn't. I don't have kids those ages, but just with my 7 yr old and 4yr old, I can see that the younger kid can be super excited about something, and the older one is almost discouraging that excitement as being too "childish." It's part of growing up.

If your daughter isn't getting that he wants some distance, then you need to help her understand.

It's entirely possible that the boy is being manipulative, seeing how having a manipulative dad could cause a divorce. That's exactly what my boys are going through right now. So if he's seen that as the "manly" way to act, then his mom will have a lot to work on with that boy so he doesn't grow up to be like his dad. Of course, that's pure conjecture.

Hello, I don't know if this is actually a "behavior" or just an older child being annoyed by a younger one. It actually seems quite normal. I am not saying that he is being polite. In fact he is being rude, but sometimes that is the only way to get rid of the younger one. I would encourage you daughter to just leave him alone. That way, he won't be annoyed and she won't get her feelings hurt. I would explain that he is older and wants to play with his friends who are his age and that she is lucky to have so many other friends.
Good luck with your precious little girl.
K. K.

If he's getting teased at school he wants it to stop so he is telling her to get away. I wouldn't want to be teased either. Teasing follows you all the way through high school. She could be annoying him. It was good of him to go to you and tell you why he is telling her to stay away from him. I don't see how a first grader can be popular already. Obviously she isn't popular with all the kids if he's being teased about her. Explain to her that she is younger than him and that he doesn't want her coming up to him at school. We have neighbor kids that are older and they use to play with my youngest but now that they have friends their age coming over to their house they don't play with my son anymore. I understand that and he does too. If she has so many other friends it should be fine.

You have some good advice, I agree with Sherry and Carrie P. I just wanted to throw in that when she goes on playdates if you don't stay, you probably should start staying there and keeping an eye on her to make sure he doesn't come around her or she doesn't go around him. Like you said you are afraid he is going to be mean to her and I personally am afraid when I read all of it that he will either manipulate her to do more to be his friend or will physically hit her to get her away from him at some point or to just show off to his friends. He sounds a little mean.

But on the other hand, he was honest with you and while he is not very nice about just telling her to stop it, he didn't push her away or scream at her. You will probably have to have a talk with her and make sure she stays away from him. It's definitely good to be a nice person, but make sure she isn't a push over or anything like that. Kids can be mean sometimes, but I'm sure she'll be okay.

If that was my daughter, I would tell her that he has some issues, and she should just stay away from him. Tell her that he does not seem nice to her and you do not want her gettng hurt, so she should not expect anything from him and it best for her not to try and talk to him.

You can not change him, so just protect her from getting hurt.

Kids that age can be really manipulative. If his daddy used this kind of manipulation then the boy will do this also. Off hand, I would say that he is using this as a tactic. This is an abusers form of control. He wants to make her feel like she needs to do MORE to be his friend. He will never really be her friend but she is just being sweet and innocent. Just talk to your daughter and see what is going on. Suggest that she may need to find other friends.

Kids can be really mean to each other, and they usually react by being mean to someone else.

At that age, two years is a big difference. Even when they get older, two years will seem pretty big. Think about a sophomore girl who's delighted because a senior asked her out.

I'm sure this boy does get an extraordinary amount of teasing about a first grade girl who "likes" him. I'm sure that if his friends overheard her saying that she'd be coming over later, he'd hear a lot of, "OOOOOH, so your girlfriend is coming over!" "Are you gonna kiss her?" and even things like, "Are you gonna play dolls with her?" Kids can be just obnoxious, and boys really enjoy needling each other. It's "locker room" behavior.

That doesn't excuse him hurting her feelings, but it does help explain what he's feeling and why he would have said something about it.

Just explain to your daughter that he has "school friends" he plays with at school, and "neighborhood friends" he plays with at home, and that the two groups don't always get along. If she can make him feel more comfortable, he'll ease up.

OK, I think that you are reading a little more into this than it really is. I mean he is a little BOY! At that age what little boy wants his friends teasing him because they think he has a girlfriend. I actually think he is handling the situation rather maturely. Is he more mature because of the divorce, Maybe. But, there is some truth in what he says for as working some things out without tattling. Maybe you should find your daughter a girl playdate. Who is arranging these playdates and the little boy doesnt want to play. Perfectly normal, Manipulative, not quite. He just doesnt want to be bothered with girls right now. He could be really violating your daughter and you would really be devastated.

You have to explain to her that sometimes boys are more interested in playing and getting dirty. Should he be nice? Yes, but is he obligated, NO! Proper manners are taught by the parents and maybe they havent gotten around to teaching him that at this point because they are too busy with a divorce. Count your blessings! It could be way worse. He could be TOO FRIENDLY!....Let her know its not her it just that he is at an age where girls are ICKY! and even Ickier if they are thought to be someone's girlfriend at that age. Teach her to play with girls her age and just say hi. Just teach her there are other boys that will play with her but, right now this little friend she has just doesnt want to play right now. Im sure she is a beautiful girl and wouldnt hurt to just say hi and move along. Then he may wonder after a while why she doesnt want to play with him. Educate your daughter so she doesnt feel like it HER.

Good Luck with everything!

I would say that, you are a mother of a girl child, and if you are concerned where this is going, then better to keep your child away from this guy. Being a mom to a girl is a big responsibility. Just remember that he is a boy, and you only told that you are not sure if he is playing "nice". Why to simply take a chance. I know, at this age of 9 and 7, the parents don't think much about what their children are playing or doing, most of the parents will just know that their kids are playing, what kind of game, they don't ask. Glad that you are at keeping a record.