This is an in-law question, but it's really more of an, "Is there a way for me to help that wouldn't be interfering or 'I told you so' or arogant."
My SIL's husband (SIL is hubby's sister) recently went back to school. Prior to this he had worked as a farmer, while my SIL was a SAHM with 3 kids (all are now in school). They never could make ends meet, depending on food stamps, other govt programs, their moms, etc. So, by BIL knew someone working in a certain field making around $100,000 and thought he could make that much right out of school (never mind that this person he knew owned his own business and had been working in this field for 20+ years ... and owned his own business). So the family has been living with my MIL. She's been paying the bills and they promised to start paying the bills after he graduated.
Well he and the family have decided they don't want to uphold their end of the bargain. Problem is, the only job offers he's gotten are for less than $40,000, and how is he supposed to provide for a family of 5 on $40,000?
To me, the obvious answer is to find a local job so that they can continue to live with my MIL (even though they don't want to) and/or my SIL can get a job. I have nothing against SAHM's, but I do believe her family needs her to bring home an income more than they need her at home.
I really don't think there is anything I can say or do, as this is their life. They need to figure things out. But I do care about all of them and wish there was something I could say or do.
Any ideas?
Thank you for the "wake up" call. I don't think anyone said anything that I didn't already know in my heart to be true. I think I just really needed to hear others say that this is none of my business. I can be a good listener, but I need to make sure it ends there.
I hope I didn't in any way sound casual about thinking my SIL should get a job. I think she's been a great mom, but oldest two are 11 and 13 and are more than capable of taking care of themselves and their 7 (almost 8) year old brother. She can get a job and not have to pay for childcare.
SAY NOTHING....please. :)
Unless you have a job or want to give them money (not loan) - you have nothing but sympathetic head nods to whatever life complaint they have.
Anything else would be met with MYOB
There is really nothing you can say or do. Let them work it out.
You can be nice and invite them to dinner or to watch a video or just talk.
Most of the time, this will work it's self out and if you don't chime in, your relationship with them will survive. But don't beat them when they are down.
of course, 40k isn't the same as 100k.. however, IF there is potential for growth within the company, they yes... 40k is well worth it... once he has his foot in the door, then that is a great thing and depending upon how motivated he is, perhaps he can begin to move up in the company. Everyone has to pay their dues regardless of the field, but I believe it's those who are the most motivated to move that do so... Also, don't discount the fact that IF he is offered good benefits, then there is something to be said about that.. In my opinion, you can make 40k and if you have great benefits, then you are actually making way more. Also, if the company has a 401k matching program.... then again, you are making more than 40k..
Z.:
This is something you need to stay out of. You can be there to listen as a sounding board, however, DO NOT solicit your advice unless asked. And even then? If it's not what either of them want to hear? It will cause an even BIGGER problem.
As a recruiter, I can tell you how many people have unrealistic expectations regarding careers and what they FEEL they should be making.
$40K for an entry level job in Ohio is HUGE. ABSOLUTELY HUGE. I'm in DC and I can tell you I have entry level candidates straight out of college - and the most I can offer them is $40K and they are expecting $65K or more. Sorry, Charlie.
You cannot force someone to work - although I am sure there are many out there who would love to give some the "shove" they need to see the big picture....you can show her the opportunities out there. But she still might not take them.
As to her husband? You can't make him see the light. He has to see it himself. He has TOTALLY unrealistic expectations. He has to get experience under his belt in order to make more money.
The money they owe to the in-laws? DO NOT get involved. PERIOD. You push that button and you will open a can of worms that will just get brutal. If she comes to you asking for money? "Sorry. Can't help. What I can do for you? Here's some Dave Ramsey books or Suze Orman books on financial planning. So you can learn to budget and pay your debts - you can control your finances instead of them controlling you."
Bottom line? Be a sounding board, but DO NOT get involved.
Good luck!
If her kids are in school all day she can work. She doesn't want to. I can't blame her, there are those women who thrive on being a homemaker, I am not one of them.
If she is content living this way then she is content not working. MIL needs to decide if she's willing to let them stay there for free. If she's not then she has a hard decision to make but it's her decision. If she isn't capable of making it and making them meet a deadline to move out or pay her back for their bills then there comes a time where you have to let it go and just ignore their living arrangements. It's nothing to do with you unless they are calling you and complaining about each other. Then they are pushing it onto you, not a fun place to be.
They need to apply for campus housing, if he gets financial aid it will increase to cover it. They do need to leave their rent on the account for year round living though. They often don't hold out those summer months when there isn't any financial aid to cover it.
Otherwise they need to apply for low income housing. It will take time but with their living situation now they'll feel like it's a mansion with the room they'll get in a 3 bedroom place.
I think the only thing you can do is give your MIL a break. Like someone else said take her out for lunch. Have her over for dinner. It must be busy at her house with 5 extra people. She'd probably enjoy getting away for a bit. Invite her for a night at your house, take her for a drive, give her a gift certificate for a massage or something.
As far as your SIL and her family- if you say anything it's going to come back and bite you in the butt. It sucks that they aren't holding up their end but there's really nothing you can say or do that will make them do differently.
The only way I can see for you to help your SIL without being invasive is to offer to watch the kids while she works/looks for works (but I don't think you should suggest she look for work; maybe your brother can). But personally, even if I were a SAHM, I don't have the energy to regularly add 5 kids into my life. Could you do something less exhausting to help if your brother suggests she work and she's responsive? Help with school pick-up maybe?
Also...if you are close to your MIL, you could ask if you can take her to lunch and/or the movies - or something. Just the two of you. I bet she could use a break.
$40,000 is better than nothing.. They chose to have 3 children..
Not fair to MIL.. But just leave them alone.. Do not get pulled into their drama..
Maybe invite MIL to stay at your home for peace and quiet once a month. But do not make it a gossip fest about the other family.. Make it a treat for your children and for her.
It is good to vent here.. now leave it alone..
There's not really anything you can say or do. I just don't get people sometimes, why did they have three kids if they couldn't support them?
The only one who can say anything is your MIL, she's the one stuck paying all their bills and living with their broken promises. It's up to her how much she is willing to take.
The one thing about her trying to find a job would be childcare for 3 kids. And depending on what type of job she got it is hard to find extended hour child care. Or is your MIL or you going to watch the kids when they are home and she's at work? I know when my kids where in daycare after school even it was like that's what I was working for. And if they are little and go all day then it is worst and with three. She might not be able to make more than what woudl be put out for childcare. Sounds like they need to stay with your MIL till they have enough saved up or coming in to pay their bills. But I also know how hard it is to leave with parents. We had to for a few months and we were all miserable.
I would stay out of this entirely.
Whatever arrangement they have with your MIL is between them. If they decide to go out on their own and live on $40,000 a year, then let them do it.
What is obvious to you may not be so obvious to them and there may be factors that you are not privy too.
You can't say anything, but your husband can make suggestions to his sister. Yep, she definitely needs to get a job. There is no excuse not to if all her kids are in school. She doesn't need a CAREER, just a job.
I can't even imagine what I'll do once all my kids are in school. I get bored just thinking about being a SAHM without any kids at home during the day. We don't need extra income, but we are setting ourselves up to be small-scale property managers/landlords.
She can work retail; food service; at a school; clerical, pretty much anything.
The best solution I know for BROKE is a JOB.
But as long as they have a safety net, she won't.
It's their responsibility to provide a life for their family.
You already know that.
They probably do too.
Stay OUT if it!
$40,000 is a good salary, depending on your area, living situation.
SIL needs to get a job during school hours or the weekend. Maybe she can be a substitute teacher? Subs here earn between $50 and $100 a day, depending on how long they are subbing for.
