Is She Just Being Nice, or Overstepping Boundaries?

What's your question exactly referring to? I think that the most consistent factor in her and her childrens' lives is your partner because he sounds like a great father. It sounds as if even though he's not the biological father of her eldest son, he stuck it out with her and still had more kids with her and treated that boy as his own. Blood didn't matter to him. And that's why the boy gets to visit with his siblings. Your partner IS his father even if they don't share DNA.

The thing here is that while she's kind of overstepping, I don't think she's trying to get your man into her bed. But her children ARE your childrens' siblings. They are family and that makes HER family. And you and your partner treat her kindly and with respect. I'm sure that even though you don't feel she's family, that only the kids are, you treat her well and she feels like family. The men that come in and out of her life clearly don't do that. Why WOULDN'T she want to spend time with you guys? Why WOULDN'T she want her children to spend time with you and their siblings? You must have a very loving home. And in spite of your dislike or annoyance of her, you tolerate her and treat her kindly.

So here's the thing. You trust your partner, right? And it doesn't sound as if she's throwing herself at him. She's making poor decisions about dating, but she's trying to raise her kids and maintain a good parenting relationship with your partner and with you. She's infringing a bit, but she's not going to know what the boundaries are unless your boyfriend starts gently setting boundaries. Continue being kind and generous to her, but set more boundaries. See if you can set up a schedule or a routine so that there's less of the unexpected drop ins and visits.

Serious boundary issues going on here. I think it's commendable that everyone is able to make things cordial, but there are limits. Like coming in your bedroom and calling all the time to talk to her ex. I think you're handling things well by not having her be the one to drop off and pick up.

The deal with sending an extra kid along... I can see how it would be frustrating, but since she's not taking care of the kids as well as she is herself, I would let it slide and consider it something you're doing for that kid and not for her. If that kid is the same one who started out thinking your boyfriend is his dad, I especially wouldn't do anything to further separate him. He has a tough enough road ahead.

Goodness gracious, that's alot of children w/different mothers and fathers.

She sounds lonely. That could be dangerous. Hell hath no fury...

Give her boundries and be clear about them. If an extra kid shows up, tell her you can't be expected to watch him, so please come get him. If she comes in without permission, ask her to leave. Tell her she is always welcome but she needs to call or knock from now on. If she keeps hounding about getting together, tell her you will let her know when its a good time for you.

Hmmmm....well....
You already have children with this man. He also has children with her. You also have children that are not his.
I think if you cannot get past the fact that she IS going to be around, and better to have a good relationship....getting married is not going to change anything. Oh--and about the oldest not being "his" -- forget that part. Don't blame the kid. She obviously wants to be your friend, you're more interested in a cordial, polite, helpful relationship. Neither is wrong but you all need to be om the same page.
So, I think you all need to establish some healthy boundaries, rules and schedules for this to work optimally for all of you. Maybe family counseling can help you determine just what that is? Good luck!

Now that she's a free-agent again, sounds like she's trying to move into your turf and is using the kids to get access to your boyfriend...again.

Just say no when she drops in and tries to hijack your plans, and make sure your bf stands by you and does the same. If you're not available, then she can't worm her way in.

When she tries to spring things on you, say you're busy and start heading for the door to somewhere...anywhere. You get the idea. Hopefully in time she'll get the hint and lay off.

Other than that, there isn't really anything else you can do except hope your boyfriend doesn't get stupid and go back to her.

Um, she needs to separate from you, not the children. You are asking us for a way to fix something that you allowed to happen. I've been there many times. It happens when you do things you don't want to do, "just to be nice". It's going to hurt her a lot more now than it would have if you had put the walls up a long time ago.

I say it's time to sit her down and tell her frankly that you have always been nice to her because you want for everyone to get a long for the sake of the kids. But tell her she is not Reba and you don't want to be your boyfriend's EX BFF.

Being cordial is one thing. She's totally crossing the line. And since she can't seem to keep a relationship, I wouldn't be surprised if she's trying to worm her way back in to your boyfriends bed.
I have had many girls in the past become my "friend" to get to a man I was either dating, or who was interested in me. Women can be the most manipulative, vile creatures out there LOL.
I would tell your boyfriend you do not trust her, but you trust him. However she needs to back off. It would be one thing if she only called about the kids. She doesn't need to be calling him to chat when you're not home. It's not appropriate!

This sounds like something that your BF should be addressing. Don't put that on yourself. They have children together, and it should be between the two of them. Ask him to talk to her about where she does and doesn't belong.

*Live Bold- What is a Reba?

Reba? That is what this reminded me of too,
You and your BF have to set boundaries. I can't see any other way to do it except to be honest.
About the kids who are not his coming too...I have never heard of that though I have heard of women who want free babysitters.

No, you're not over reacting. You're right, you need your distance. It also seems that she is in need of friends, and has found you to be a trustworthy person. Probably never had it before. If you seem to get along, try to keep the friendship, but also tell her how busy you are sometimes, and you can't make it to be with her at some points. Make up excuses, like you have to run to the super market with the kids, or run to do some chores. She is apparantly attached to you. I know she's probably suffococating you, but you have to somehow set the boundaries between yourself with your boyfriend and the ex. Keep your doors locked, so she doesn't have easy access into your home. Does she live near you? If this continues you might have to be a bit more direct with her and say, look, I like you, we get along etc. but I need a little space to do some catching up with the house, and family. How about we arrange to meet once every two weeks. Go shopping together, or get your nails done. NOW, if she seems like a nut case, then be truthful with her, and tell her it makes you uncomfortable that she comes over too much. Also have your boyfriend with you if it comes to this. So he can be around to hear and say something if need be.