Strange Comments from My Neighbor

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I would do nothing. My guess (and it could be totally off base) is that Reba DOES love little kids, and doting on your daughter with toys and childproofing may have been filling a void for her not having any of her own babies. Seems maybe Roy put up with that for a time to be a nice neighbor and friend, but now it has become just too much for him. So he just doesn't like little kids, and probably that is why they do not have any of their own. Maybe Reba has regrets or unresolved feelings about all of this and that is why she so bluntly chooses to tell you and others that Roy doesn't like little kids. The babyproofing of her house too? That is quite odd for anyone without kids. Are you sure she and Roy NEVER had a child or a pregnancy? She may need to talk about all of this on deeper level. And it sure doesn't sound like it has anything to do with your daughter personally. So I wouldn't take it that way. And I'd try to keep things friendly with Reba and your family, just be considerate of Roy and give him his space. I'd probably stop the dinner exchanges for awhile, unless you can take your DD to a sitter.

I think it's good that Reba is telling you the truth. Don't take it personally, it's probably nothing to do with your daughter. I guess Roy just really doesn't like being around little kids.

Just ask Reba if she still wants her to come over any more. She will tell you the truth. But your daughter can go wherever she wants in your yard.

And I think Jo is probably right -- Roy was never into having her there in the first place, it was his wife's idea, and he's just now speaking up.

It could be that you daughter is more active (typical 3yr old) and maybe that is too much for him. Maybe there is something going on with him (getting old and grumpy or a medical issue).

I would talk to Reba (when it is just the two of you) and say something like "Reba, we've been neighbors and friends for over a year now. I would love for the friendship to continue but I feel I have to broach a difficult topic with you. I have recently heard your comments regarding Roy and Susie and am a bit puzzled. You both always seem to be so fond of Susie but if you aren't you aren't but I have to ask....Has Susie said or done something to upset either of you? Or has this always been an issue? Does Roy have an issue with all children or just Susie specifically? Do you need me to keep Susie home and have her not visit?

This will allow you to clear the air and should let you know how to proceed.

Well, it might be strange, but I wouldn't be offended.
As hard as it may be for us to imagine, some people just don't like little kids. Especially if they don't have their own.
Some friends and I have a single male friend in common. He's been married before, but never had kids. When it's just the adults, everyone has a great time. If kids are involved, he will leave in the first 5 minutes. He's really good looking, but chances are, he will never be married again because at his age, it's practically an impossibility he would ever find a woman his age with no kids.
Maybe Roy likes kids, including your daughter, but it makes him sad that they never had any of their own and she's a reminder to him of that.
Who knows what is at the bottom of it, but I really wouldn't dwell on it.
Just keep your daughter in your own yard.
When I was a kid, we had a neighbor lady who never had any children. She was like a grandma to all of us, but especially loved me and my little sister. We visited with her, helped her in her yard. When she and her husband travelled, she always brought us souvenirs.
She started getting really cranky and we didn't understand it. My mom told us to give her some space, maybe she wasn't feeling well.
It got to where she would yell at kids just for riding their bikes up and down the street.
One day, she came over and talked to my mom and demanded all the things she had ever given us back. My mom was calm about it and we went through our trinket boxes and gathered everything up. My mom walked us to her house and her husband answered the door. He had no idea what she'd done. She was sleeping and he came out to the porch to talk to us.
He said he was sorry and that she hadn't been herself for a while. He had tears in his eyes as he hugged us and told us to take our things back home because she had given them to us with love and she didn't really want them back. He assured my mom that she'd probably already forgotten even asking for them.
My mom told us to walk back to our house and she stayed behind to talk to him.
When she got back home, my mom told us that we didn't need to be afraid of her, we needed to pray for her. She said she'd had a breakdown and she couldn't help how she acted sometimes.
Of course, we didn't understand. There were days she would wave and smile and be happy to see us walking home from school. Others days were not so nice.
It was pretty confusing.
I'm 48. When I was a kid, people weren't aware of dementia and alzheimer's the way they are now.
Thankfully, my mom didn't have a conniption and raise a stink over a neighbor behaving out of character.
I'm just saying that I don't think you need to take this personally because you never know what's at the bottom of it and frankly, why worry about getting the answer?
There is something going on and it doesn't make your daughter a nuissance. It likely has absolutely nothing to do with her.
Be cordial with Reba. Maybe it's true that her husband doesn't like little kids and she's being honest and doesn't feel it has to change your friendship with her.
Regardless, mind your own house and family.
If there is more for you to know, it will reveal itself.
I can just about guarantee it has nothing to do with you and your daughter.

No offense whatsoever and best wishes.

1) - You are only hearing this from Reba - it might not be how Roy feels at all.
2) - Even if they both feel this way - not everyone is in love with every stage of child development - 3 can be a difficult stage and Roy might warm up again when she's a bit older.
3) - You have to admit - her comments are an effective way of asking for a bit more space/respecting/setting a boundary - so, instead of being offended - just give them (or him) a bit more space when it comes to your child.
Sometimes familiarity does breed contempt, so back off a bit.

Next time she makes a rude comment like that I would just say, "Wow, I thought he liked Susie. What's the matter?" And prepare yourself for the candid response that may follow. Sounds like she's about to burst in telling you what they really think to be so blunt already.

In your case, I'd want to know the truth because there may be some sort of misunderstanding going on (may think her behavior is inappropriate but don't realize that's what kids her age do, etc.) or something I could do to fix the situation. At the very least, you'll know they don't want to visit with you with your daughter along.

It's definitely strange to make those types of passive-aggressive comments.

My bet is they are both annoyed but Reba is blaming it on Roy instead of just talking to you about it. As kids get older and run around more and become louder, people with no kids can all of a sudden become annoyed by them. It's not your daughter's fault -- she's just being a normal kid. But your neighbors seem unable to handle it. I would create some distance from them and keep your daughter away from both of them.

I find it very strange. And I would keep my daughter away. A thought that I had was, do you think Reba could actually be the one that is annoyed, and she is blaming it on Roy? Roy has never been around to stick up for himself, if that is what she is doing. Does your daughter go over there all the time, like everytime Reba is outside? I'm not trying to sound mean, so I'm sorry for saying this, but maybe your daughter is going over there too much, and maybe she is getting annoying to them. Little kids like to talk a lot, and show a lot of things, and ask a lot of things. Since they don't have kids, they wouldn't be used to this probably, and maybe they are getting tired of it. Just a thought. If you don't really think any of that is true, then yes I would talk to Reba about it, and ask her what happened. Communication is the only thing that will clear this up. Good luck to you.

I will give you it is kinda strange. The only thing I can figure is he never liked your daughter around only she did. It just took him this long to put his foot down with his wife.

Still what should you do? Nothing. It is their choice not to want to hang around with your daughter. It just seems like you liked how things were and are having trouble accepting it is gone.

Well, it could very well be that Roy just doesn't like small children..... that may also be why they don't have any kids! Maybe he has "put up" with your daughter, sweet as she is, for Reba, but is just getting tired of it. Also, Roy may be having some problems.... if he is having trouble with anxiety or depression, the extra chatter from a 3 yr old may just be too much for him.

Talk to Reba, ask her about it, but don't feel offended by it.... see if there is something that you can do so that Reba can still enjoy being around your daughter?

It could be that you are closer to them than they are to you lol. Some people child proof out of a survival instinct. they don't want their things ruined. Maybe they just need space and they have given other non verbal clues that you missed. I think him being in hiding would have been a big verbal clue for me. Just don't go over with your daughter. Don't make a big deal of it. But as a previous poster said your daughter is entitled to use your entire yard. and play all over it. if the man next door goes into the house then that is his business. don't tell you daughter roy doesn't like you just say he is busy etc. its kind of weird for a 3 year old to want to "play" with a old man and woman anyway lol. She should be friendly but not in their face each time they are in the yard. not being rude but I know if the kids next door wanted to be next to me each time I stepped out of the house I would be like roy and hide out. and then would be pissed that I can't use my yard without dealing with the kids.

Kind of breaks your heart a little bit for your daughter doesn't it? If Roy chooses to come to your place, then don't keep your daughter away from him. It's her home. I wouldn't be going over to their place anymore. Reba seems to lack a bit of emotional intelligence to say such things so tactlessly to you. If you still like her, let her come to your place. Don't stop your little one from playing anywhere in her own yard that she wants to!

Once upon a time I would think it was strange, but the more I experience, the more I realize a lot of men, who have no children, don't seem to like kids. I'm sure this applies to some women too, and I'm sure there are plenty of men that love kids. But the experiences I've had are mostly with men.

My step-FIL usually acted like he was in love with our kids. He'd play with them and be the "dream" grandpa. Then there were days where it was a little more obvious it was pretend. I was really surprised me when I realized that. I think he loves them more than Roy does, but there was definitely an impatience there, and I realized after that what an act he puts on for people.

But I know many men who just don't like other people's kids much, even if they have their own kids. I've talked with other moms, and they say their husbands are like that too. They love their own and don't really seem to connect to many beyond that.

I would probably be somewhat offended at Roy not liking your child, if it were me. Especially because they've given the appearance that she was greatly loved and adored. I do think Reba probably adores her. And, I'm guessing she's making the comments she is because Roy is now mostly refusing to interact with your daughter, and so Reba is left having to figure out what to do. She sounds like she is an honest person and wanted to be open with you about it. I'd let your daughter hang out with Reba, but I definitely wouldn't let her be with Roy without you there. I would keep her away from Roy. (oh, and I wouldn't be upset with Reba either - she's stuck in a not so fun spot!)

If Reba makes a comment about it again, I'd ask about it. There's nothing wrong with communication, and it sounds like Reba is open to it. I'd be curious about whether he always disliked Susie or if it was something new. I'd ask the questions politely, and I'd give very little sign that I was concerned or felt any sort of emotion by it. I'd try to just politely ask - and only if Reba makes a comment again. And, I'd definitely not tell Susie that Roy doesn't like her (as I'm sure you've already decided!).

I don't think there is anything you can do to fix it. Roy just doesn't like kids. Makes you wonder if that's why they have no kids! I'd keep a relationship with him - just keep daughter distant. And, I'd keep up with Reba.

If you are close, I think you can bring it up....you have to live beside them, if you know that at 1PM everyday he listens to a certain radio station and that's when she is outside making noise, maybe you can adjust.... I would ask, politely, because if you don't, matters will just get worse or more uncomfortable and you and your neighbors deserve to be happy in their homes. I'd approach her with - "I've heard a few comments and wanted to ask what I can do to help. We've felt you took her in like a grandchild but now with these comments, I don't want to cause friction......yadda, yadda - good luck!!

That's WEIRD, but I would just let it slide. Don't amend your daughter's schedule or anything, but don't try to force it in situations where they might be together. We have neighbors who hate EVERYTHING -including kids. They are so upset that they moved into town and thought it was all childless gay couples and childless yuppies and now they've found it's far different and there are THOUSANDS of small children and families in town! Oh well, they can deal or move. I don't let my kids get in their yard or disturb them unnecissarily, but it they have that much of an issue, I really don't care!

I would not let your daughter go to Reba and Roys house anymore. If Roy doesnt like your child and Reba is sooo rude with her comments can you imagine what she is saying to your kid when she is at Rebas house and you are not around.
Reba and Roy dont have to like kids since they dont have them. so I would just try to keep my kid away from their property...but have free reign in your own.
I will say it seems strange they childproof their house for YOUR kid...sounds like Reba and Roy have 2 different ideas..Roy doesnt like kids and REba...well she sounds koo koo

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I would not let your daughter go to Reba and Roys house anymore. If Roy doesnt like your child and Reba is sooo rude with her comments can you imagine what she is saying to your kid when she is at Rebas house and you are not around.
Reba and Roy dont have to like kids since they dont have them. so I would just try to keep my kid away from their property...but have free reign in your own.
I will say it seems strange they childproof their house for YOUR kid...sounds like Reba and Roy have 2 different ideas..Roy doesnt like kids and REba...well she sounds koo koo

I do find their behavior and comments very off but I would chalk it up to "you never know what is going on in someone else's house" and move on. If you see them, just wave and keep on going from now on. Sorry it turned out this way but some people are odd and there is no use making yourself crazy trying to figure out why or fix it. Good luck!

Yeah, I can see why you have your feelings hurt for sure, I know I would! I think that Reba is just trying to find a nice way to tell you the truth without being too mean, even though it's coming across kind of harsh. I would keep your distance a bit. If you are all outside together I'd wait for her to come talk to you. If Roy is out there and Susie is trying to talk to him, just tell her that she can wave and say hi to Roy, but he would like to be by himself and work in the yard right now. She's still little enough that she may be upset about not talking to him at first, but it won't take long for her to get into the new "routine" of ignoring Roy.

I'm sorry you're going through this! I hope you can work it out and feel better about it soon!

You have gotten lots of good advice but I wanted to stress that your daughter can do whatever she wants on any part of your property. You want to be considerate but you should also feel free to enjoy your own yard.

Just forget about it. Lots of people don't like small kids. She probably has been struggling herself to keep up the facade or to non nonchalantly bring it up. Roy has likely been faking liking your daughter and just didn't want to keep faking it anymore. I would just keep being her friend, and limit the time your daughter is around Roy.

I would feel so weird about that too. I would when your daughter isn't around to chat with her. Because with out talking to her. It's going to eat you up inside. I find it weird about child proofing there home. You can't stay locked up in your house. I went through the same thing with my neighboor she didnt like my son. and didnt want our kids to play togerther. but at school they play together all the time. her mother told her grow up.. she didn't like him because he is tall and has ADHD a little rough when playing. she would make up lies all the time.. I would just talk to him maybe instead of her. as he is the issue...

Yeah strange, and I would NOT let her go over there anymore. Being friendly is good, but this could lead to some serious harm to your daughter so it's best to not let her over there. If "Reba" wants to see her she can come to your house. Sounds like they don't have children for a reason (him) and your daughter is Reba's fascination b/c she prbly wanted one. I wouldn't be mad at her comment, but I would take heed of it. I think she casually mentioned it like that so it would be more passive instead of confrontational, but personally I think she mentioned it because Roy is getting very impatient. I know 3 year olds (mine's almost 3) are chatty and have a lot of energy and if someone hates small children it will be 50X less impatience for them. To me, it's dangerous to let her with them alone at this point. If she is in the side yard, watch her, she is still only 3 and should be watched by an adult (you or husband) anyways. Does she go out alone or something?

And it seems VERY VERY strange they baby proofed their house for her. That still makes me raise an eyebrow. Honestly I would've been suspicious if it were my neighbors at that point and had a talk with my daughter. Maybe Reba is just fascinated with her, but my radar probably would've went off depending on how I reacted to them as people in general. Just weird.

Definitely odd. You've been there over a year and this is the first inkling that Roy doesn't like kids.
I would definitely say something like "I'll make sure she doesn't disturb him in the future" or something like that. Maybe even ask if there is a time or place where she really "bothers" him.
Maybe the relationship you thought was happening "surrogate grandparents" never was real to them?
You know them best, but TRY not to take it too personally. She may be just mad about Susie and maybe he "tolerates" Susie for her benefit?

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Definitely odd. You've been there over a year and this is the first inkling that Roy doesn't like kids.
I would definitely say something like "I'll make sure she doesn't disturb him in the future" or something like that. Maybe even ask if there is a time or place where she really "bothers" him.
Maybe the relationship you thought was happening "surrogate grandparents" never was real to them?
You know them best, but TRY not to take it too personally. She may be just mad about Susie and maybe he "tolerates" Susie for Reba's benefit?

Its a little weird to me but I wouldn't ask her. We wouldn't be going over to their house and he wouldn't come to mine. Just a social high as I pass by thing is all id have to say. You never know what can be going on in someones life and I wouldn't make it your issue. Good luck!

Yeah I think it's not only weird but very insensitive to say that to you like it's no big deal. Granted she has no children of her own so probably doesn't "get it". I would back off and tell your little girl to just wave at a distance to both of them.
C.

I think it's always better to try and fail than never try... We live in a society where being genuine simply isn't often valued, but for myself, I would be happier knowing I made an attempt. Otherwise, you'll make up stuff to tell you daughter about "why can't I see Reba and Roy anymore?" It doesn't have to be confrontational since Reba's already given you the perfect lead in. "Reba, you say that Roy doesn't want to be around Susie so I wanted to ask if anything in particular has upset him..." and like another mom suggested... the answer may hurt... and be completely unreasonable, ridiculous, or even untrue. But before you have the conversation, keep in mind what your goal is - you can't force them to want to spend time with your daughter so the goal might just have to be trying to find out if there's a way to solve this sudden problem and if not then a first step in coming to terms with the loss of friendly neighbors. If your husband is suggesting you just forget it, I am guessing he's not a big one for discussing why he thinks and feels a certain way or expects that others won't be up for such a discussion... For me, again, I would always rather be able to say I tried no matter how silly or foolish - particularly for my daughter's sake as it will be a loss for her, too.

I would have to ask her about it. But beware, you might hear more than you want to. For me, personally, I would like to know the specifics so I could adjust. It will hurt...it hurts anytime someone says something about your child -- even if it's their issue, not anything your kid has done. But I think it's better to know. Then you can make an informed decision about whether to change behaviors and/or conversations.

Good luck. Sorry people are rude sometimes!