This may get long, so I appreciate you reading and caring. A little background first- my husband and I were friends for about 4 years before we started dating. We both went through some hard times, which is what brought us closer and lead to us dating. We had the normal ups and downs, and 8 months in, I was pregnant. We got married, and moved into my mom’s house to save for our own place. After my daughter was born, we adjusted fairly well, and things were going smoothly for a while. But now, 5 months later, I feel like I’m losing it. Compounding the issue is that I’ve lost almost all my friends. Being the only one with a baby has alienated me from my former life, and I have no one to talk to.
The first thing is that there is no sex. I don’t want it at all, which is odd, because I couldn’t get enough before. I know he wants it, and I would go along with it for his sake, but it never happens. Just thinking about him touching me makes me nauseated, but he’s really patient because he knows that lots of new parents experience this.
It’s not just the sex though. Lately I feel like his housekeeper or nanny, not a wife. It’s not anything he’s doing to make me feel this; he’s not one of those “Where’s my dinner, b**ch?” kinda guys. I find myself doing things not because I want to, but because that’s what a wife “should” do, like kissing him goodbye or pretending to be interested in what he’s talking about.
I feel like we’re not supposed to be together; like if it weren’t for the baby, we wouldn’t be. I think of other people I’m “supposed” to be with, whether an old friend or some random guy I met at the store. I think I’d be a better fit with these other men, even if I don’t know them that well.
The other night I dreamed that I was back with an ex, and when I woke up and saw my husband next to me instead, I started crying. My husband thought I’d had a nightmare, and tried to hold me and comfort me. His touch made me sick to my stomach, and that made me cry even more.
I keep thinking we’d be better off as friends. We get along really well, and laugh and joke around as much as we ever did. And of course, we both adore our daughter. I just don’t feel anything close to the spark or romance or whatever that is. But is that just a normal part of marriage, that part fading? Is it postpartum depression? I just want to know if anyone else out there has experienced this, and what got you through it.
Thanks in advance, moms :)
Hang in there, sweetie. You might have a bit of Post-partum depression - being a new mom and figuring out that role, as well as your role as wife, friend, lover, etc. is very very difficult. Please talk to your doctor, your husband, and consider marital counseling to sort through all of your feelings. Best wishes.
I also say, hang in there. The first year postpartum after my first born was really hard on our marriage. You sound to me like you might have postpartum depression - that feeling that life has lost its sparkle sounds like it might be something hormonal to me.
In any case, I feel strongly that life-changing decisions in the first year after a baby arrives are a bad idea unless you absolutely have to!
I agree with Christine. Hang in there. I have been married to my second husband for fourteen years. I still think I was supposed to marry someone else. Sometimes. You do not have to have a raging desire to have sex 24 hours a day. You are a new mom and your hormones are going to wreak havoc on your body and even if this wasn't planned out as carefully as people want, I remember the first moment when I came home with my son 24 years ago and I didn't feel like making dinner So how about going out for a pizza I thought. Oops, gotta pack up the baby. How about running out to the store for lunchmeat. Oops, pack up the baby. You're a couple, then you're not. Give this a chance because he sounds sincerely like a very nice person. I also know that the idea of sex might be a little dirty given that you are living in mom's house. Who wants their mom to hear moaning and groaning. You do not need a Masters degree in sexology to understand that sex is not really going to be any fun when you are waiting for baby to cry and mom to yell at you. Oh just kidding. But really perhaps you might start eeking out a little something for loving yourself and then after you fall in love with yourself again that guy might be hot, hot and more hot. Like dance or run or roll around out on the lawn. You are of course depressed because you are giving up you. If you skip the kisses and the role playing you might find yourself being you again Life is ever changing. So before you change your husband or life, think about how beautiful you are and really get you back. Then you'll know what you want.
Sounds like Post Partum....very normal. Seek some professional help for this so you can get better. Also, if you are breastfeeding your desire for sex decreases a lot because of the hormone prolactin which of course helps you lactate. I went through this too...Lost interest and didn't want to be touched...It does get better but you need to talk about it and be proactive...It sounds like your guy is pretty decent...You must give it a chance.
I agree with some of the other moms that this may be post partum depression, at least in part. I did not experience PPD, but I was definitelty overwhelmed when our first baby arrived and I too lost interest in sex (it had never been a problem before the baby was born). Hormones do incredible things to you. Hang in there a bit longer; once the baby gets older and you are getting more sleep, you will feel a bit refreshed. I did lose contact with friends as well. Get out with them as soon as you can. Go for a manicure or massage and spend some "me" time.
I think that fantasizing about other men or daydreaming about an attractive stranger at the store is pretty normal. We all do that at times. When things are not going well, I think many people wonder how their lives might have been different (dare I say better) if they had chosen another life partner. The fact that you still laugh and joke with your husband means there's still something between you. And I would also venture to guess that the lives of the exes you did not end up with are not as rosy as you imagine. In the end, this is your decision, but I would not give up until you talk to a professional or at the very least, stop being so hard on yourself and schedule a little selfish time. A small part of the problem may be that your life seems like it's no longer your own. Good luck, you can get through this and start to feel better soon.
Did you feel like this b/4 the baby was born? If not, then maybe it is hormonal. I would speak w/ a professional about this. I'm not sure if that's a marriage counselor or first your ob/gyn, but you should speak with someone. A marriage definitely changes after a baby is born, but what you're describing sounds like too much of a change, if you know what I mean. My hormones were crazy after my son was born (my thyroid was messed up temporarily b/c of the pregnancy). Pregnancy can certainly do things to your hormones. I feel communication is one of the most important things in a marriage, but I know it would be very hard to discuss this with your husband. Maybe you could first address the sex issues (maybe that you think you don't want sex b/c of your hormones from the pregnancy), and for now, leave out the part of thinking about being with other men. Good luck, & definitely talk to a professional about this.
A.,
I have to ask, did you feel this way before the baby was born? If you did, then I think you two need to get to counseling and give that a shot. If you did not, then I think you should go see your Dr. and discuss these feelings. Could Be post partum depression. I experienced something similar after both of my two youngest. Getting on an anit depressant and GETTING OUT once in a while for some "me" time really did help and changed my marriage.
If you ever need to talk, I'm here. I've been in your shoes and it's a horrible helpless feeling. You just need to find what the root of it is. Please feel free to contact me any time. You would be better off to e-mail me directly as I don't get a chance to get on here daily.
M.
Hang in there A.. You have gone through alot of changes lately. The new baby, new marriage, moving in with mom. Please make an appointment with your doctor. Tell him exactly what is wrong and don't beat around the bush. I would definitely seek out some help with a therapist if you can. You sound depressed. Obviously noone can make a diagnosis over the computer, but please don't wait on this. You will only get more overwhelmed. Good Luck.
