Is My Son Going to Be Ok?

I have a 14 year old step-daughter, who has called me mom since I married her father 7 years ago. Her mother left when she was 2, and she has only seen her a handful of times. She was ok for the most part during the first ten years, and we knew teen years would be harder, but she has really taken it badly the past month since her mother connected with her on facebook. She is angry with her, and wants nothing to do with her, and has since blocked her online. She remembers all the times that I was there, and she also remembers the times when her mother was not!
Once she was crying and when I asked her what was wrong, she told me she didn't understand why her mother didn't want her. My response was... on the days when your are sad and tearful, it is because you remember that you have a mother out there who left you and does not seem to care... but on the days when you are happy and full of joy, it is because you realize that you have me, and that I will never leave you!
That was about 4 years ago, and she still has her sad days, but overall she knows that there is plenty of love in our home for her, and that her mother really isn't the best of people to start with.
I also maintain and tell her on a regular basis that she may someday want a relationship with her mother... whether it is 2 years from now or 15 years from now... but I also warn her that each time she opens that door, she should do so knowing it may be slammed in her face at any time.
I hope it helps to know other people go through the same thing... your son will love yourcurrent husband for the "daddy" that he is, and will someday realize what an important role he has played in his life, and he will also remember all the times when his father was not there.

I agree with the below that it is hard to legally keep the dad away...so I will try to help you turn a "lemon" situation into "lemonade" or at least not as bitter. Please tell your son that mommy and daddy love him. Try to explain to him that how much daddy sees him has nothing to do with how special or loveable he is. If you can, share with him that some people don't always know how to show love as best as they can, but he and you will always show love to those they do. Use his stuffed animals as part of the role playing...if you need.

I share this, because i believe your son needs to know he is loved and lovable no matter what, and not to have his sense of self dependent on when daddy comes.

I hope the above makes sense. I share this from my personal childhood experience ....

I would allow the dad to see him when he comes in the picture. So long as he is a safe person. Your son may need to see his dad, even if it only is once a year. Memories of his dad being there or not will last his entire lifetime, so don't take that away. Once your son is an adult, he can draw his own conclusions, choose to build a better relationship or break the ties, but in the meantime, you need to let any spark that could be there happen.

You may think things are fine and that your son doesn't need him, but I'm sure that deep in his little heart, he misses him and wants to see him, even if he doesn't express it.

Of course, you can still be honest with your son, and tell him that his dad has a hard time coming around for his own emotional problems, but when he is here visiting, it may not last, but know that he is here because he misses you.

My husband's grandfather was the same way to his kids. In and out of the picture and abandoning his own family. But when my husband was about 7 years old, his grandfather showed up and gave him a wallet. Almost 25 years later, my husband still has that wallet and cherishes it because of so few memories they had together. Even though my husband is upset with his grandfather, he still loves him. My father in law had a hard time as well with his abandonment from his father, but also still cherished the rare time he came around. Had he not been allowed to have seen him on those times, he would have been more upset.

When you make excuses for his birth father, yes it shields the boy for now, but it also tells your son that what the birth father is doing is ok, and that there is a possible future with the man later in life. Is that really a possibility, do you really want him looking up to (and learning how to treat his kids in the future) a man that can't be bothered by his responsibility. If you tell your son the truth it might hurt him now but help him in the long run.

Unfortunately, I think you have to keep the door open because if you shut it, your husband will be sure to let your son know that he doesn't see him because YOU won't allow it. That will cause a terrible breakdown in your relationship with your son. I know he probably gets his feelings hurt over and over by his father, but there is really nothing you can do about that, other than to be there for him and console him when it happens. he's getting older now and soon he will see his father for what he is and then he'll shut the door, which is fine. It has to be his choice though, otherwise you will pay for it for the rest of your life. When my daughter was younger, her paternal grandparents had nothing to do with her. When she would ask them why they never called or had her over, they would tell her it was because I wouldn't allow it. No matter what I said, my daughter believed them. So, I took them to court to have them awarded grandparent visitation. The judge made a big deal in court to have my daughter stand up and told her specifically now there is a court order in place; you can see your grandparents any time they choose. If your mother does stand in the way, you come right back here and see me. After that, there was no doubt in her mind who was making what decisions and our relationship improved. Of course, her heart was broken more than once when they continued to ignor her, but I was there to help her through it and eventually she made up her mind not to chase that dead horse.

Hi there,
I think at 7, your son can start to make his own decisions about his birth father (I'm sure he already has). Personally, I would let him know the truth about the past, when you think he can handle it, and let him know that your husband will be there for him and is a constant in his life, and loves him no matter what. I would speak with a therapist, just in case he needs help processing all that has gone on. I agree that you may not have the legal right to close the door on your ex, nor do I think that is fair to your son either. Although it may be hard for him to accept how and who his father is, he's still his father. Shutting him out will only cause anger and resentment against YOU in the future. Help him to accept who his father is, be honest with him so he can process the truth and learn to accept it. Making up excuses and lies to cover up for your ex is only going to confuse him, and frustrate him in the end. Give him as much as the truth as you think you can handle, but don't lie. Put yourself in your son's shoes, and think about how you would best want to be supported, given the situation.

I know it's not easy, and I give you tons of credit. My mother made a choice when I was young not to have a relationship with my grandmother. She would not explain to me why (until I was a teen), and I always hated that I didn't know why we didn't know/ see grandma. It wasn't until my grandmother was dying that we finally got to know her. By that time, she had no idea who we were, and it was really too late. :( I wish my mom had been honest with me from the start, so I could have felt complete at an earlier age.

I hope this is helpful in some way,
T.

I hate it when fathers do this and it's wrong and unfair. But the fact is, they have the right to come and go. Judges rarely if ever will take a fathers rights away just because they have been inconsistant fathers. These guys are allowed to swoop in years after being absent, never send a dime and all the sudden file for full-custody and be HEARD and maybe even WIN their day in court just because they can now provide a full-time grandparent to watch the kid all day. It happens more than you know.

As harmful as it can be, you will be asking for an expensive battle if you try and keep him from seeing your son.

I wish you the best as you work through this, but stability is important for kids. Lieing is not the way to go. Ask your ex, what he wants you to say, and be clear..."Dad told me to tell you...." Better yet, make him tell your son himself. It is NOT YOUR responsibility to maintain dads relationship, if dad wants it, it is HIS responsibility. Step parents can replace biological parents. I was raised by a wonderful step parent and am such a better person for it. You are in my prayers.

My daughter is going thru the same thing with her ex. He has not had any contact with the boys (5 & 7) for over a year now. They ask about him once in a while. She tells them she doesn't know where he is or how to contact him (which is all true). They accept it with no problem. As time goes by they ask about him less and less. And now don't even call him dad anymore, they refer to him by name. They love their "new dad" and call him daddy.

I would not get the extra phone (dad line). What happens if it never rings? If he doesn't call? That could be more painful for your son then what he is going thru now. If he calls, he can call your regular phone.

I feel so badly for children when they have a parent like that. I just can't imagine being able to pop in and out of my child's life. Honestly, I would tell his biological Dad that's enough. It's not fair to your son to have him come in and out and hurt him so much. Either the Dad is in his life consistently or not at all.

What about the child's birth father's parents? It is important to have family from both sides of the parents. My son desires to spend time with his son and so do we but Mom is not co-operative but we don't give up. We love him and want to be a part of his life. You need to talk to his birth father and ask him what his plans are in his relationship with his son or perhaps his parents. We love this little boy and want to know him and him us. Reading your email I can see your point also but stil he has a Daddy and famiy too.

Children need consistency. If biological father can't be consistent, he needs to remain absent. When your son is grown, he can decide how much BS he wants to put up with from this guy, if any. You might see if you can get a restraining order to keep him away.

My son was only 3 years old when he last saw his dad who never came back to us since he worked in Taiwan. I made my son aware of our real situation, but telling him likewise not to hate his dad nor to say bad things on him. Good enough, my son grew a loving, caring, and dependable. Now my son is 10. I haven't remarried, though, I have a common law husband who he used to call dad. My common law is a good dad, however, considering our age gap (10yrs older than I am), he's got lots of mood swings!

Open up! Speak to your child as if he's your age. Then you'll know what's goin on inside him, how he feels about the situation. Then start from there... you'd be more able to provide him the support and care from what he'd tell you. And it will strengthen the bond between you and him, plus... you'd be more loved by your child.

Hi, I'm no expert but I prefer your he's working answer to your "we can't worry about other people answer." You could follow up the he's working answer with " I hope you will make time for your own son when you have one."

I am going to respond to this from the background of a adult that was raised in that situation, as the mother of 5 - one being a foster child that never left us, and now a grandmother. So bear with me.
Your son in his heart already knows that his birth father is not much to write home and brag about if he is not dependable. BUT if he is paying child support you are doing better than most women and he is lucky to have that from him. Does he have any contact with Grandparents from his father?
You don't say why your new husband hasn't adopted him so there must be a reason that you have to leave the door open a bit. Be honest but not brutal-- your son doesn't need to know the facts as you know them he is a child. But be honest and tell him that his father was needed to help give him birth but anyman can be a father it takes a real man to be a Daddy! This way he doesn't have day dreams that you are the ones keeping them apart. He knows that Dad's work and still have time for family so I always thought my parent must have been pretty dumb to believe that one! He does have to worry about it becasue you have taught him since you are asking for prayers to pray for others and to worry for them... that is a message that only you can tell him that somepeople are not interested in doing the right thing. Our girl's mom would pop in to make a show of being a mom--- and then when it wasn't entertaining anymore left and we had the pieces. Now she is a mother and having to make decisions about how to trust her birth mom with her grandchildren-- me I'd take her out in a New York minuet but as the example for the children I have to tell them that yes I am not their birth GrandmotherBUT I am better becasue we chose to love one another and we were brought together becasue we needed one another to love and that I am not going anyplace and their Papa is watching them from heaven with his love. So to answer the question- yes you can leave the door in place-- open ?? that is for him to man up to do and you do what is best for your son. Have his Dad talk to him and explain how things are and see if he can feel how your son is feeling about all this. I am sure he has enough friends from church and school to know he isn't the only one in this situation. You might see about what it takes to have your husbands name added to his leagally if that will help because then he isn't the only one different in the family.
I hope that this helps and yes I will add you to our prayer list. God Bless,