My husband of 11 years is ridiculously busy with work. He works a main job during the day but also has 3 other jobs for this same employer which are stipend based. My concern is that for one of these jobs – he is the only male involved. For this job, it’s always meeting after hours, dinner meeting (before he was involved they use to meet at an old employees (female) house and drink wine while completing the stipend job). I am completely fine with him working all these jobs – they are stressful at times and cause scheduling problems with the kids events, but I know he is good at what he does and is in demand.
My issue – and really my only issue to date is a conference that is coming up. Never has any of these jobs required a night away. However an issue has arose and there is a 2 day conference coming up that he and female worker will be attending. I have meet about 95% of the people he works with in all jobs – but feel really uncomfortable with the overnight issue. Obviously they will be staying is separate rooms…yada, yada, yada. I guess I feel uneasy because I have never met her. I just want to put a face with the name of the woman that calls my hubby at home all the time and has dinners with him. My hubby is not “hiding” her or anything – I mean he tells me about who’s at the dinners and I see and hear the phone conversations. If he gets up to leave to talk to her it’s because the kids are being a little loud – not to hide.
When the conference was originally brought up to me, it looked like only 1 person (hubby) was going to be able to attend due to financial issues. Then he told me that if she attended he would only drive down for the 1st night of conferences and not stay the night. But he came home the other day saying the conference is in 5 days and that they had a sponsor for the event and now everything is paid for, for both of them to attend.
When I worked for a major company a few years back, every summer we had a “summit” and our entire office would spend 3 days at a resort with co-workers from other branches – attending seminars each day. However at night I can see what happens when the booze gets flowing. There were MANY hook-ups that happened between co-workers (even married).
I am just concerned because it’s just the two of them going – and if something did happen it would be pretty darn easy to keep it a secret since it’s just the two of them. I think that combined with having not met her eats at me.
I know that I am very insecure and my hubby knows this. We have been a couple for 17 years. However he has broken my trust in him in the past – not with cheating – but other things – so that does not help with my insecurities.
Am I being ridiculous? Or do I have any valid points for being concerned?
No you aren't being ridiculous. What could he do to help you stay sane? Accept calls from you no matter the time? Have you meet this woman? Reject the offer to stay the night? Take you with him? Talk to him.
Yes, i think you have a right to be concerned but i can't think of anything to do but either trust him or be prepared to take action if you find out you can't trust him. hugs
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I'm "horrified" at those women saying you're insecure and need counseling. I'm siding with those women who say you're in the right to be concerned about the circumstances under which your husband must work.
To be honest they (careers like this) are not ideal for anyone wanting to have a good marriage or family life. No one can serve two masters. If a man or woman for that matter is forced to have to spend hours upon end with the opposite sex, away from their families, for business reasons, there is definitely a risk of becoming emotionally involved with that person (coworker they're with the most opposite sex or otherwise for that matter!).
This is how most relationships happen whether you are looking for love or not. It is human nature to begin to bond with those around you day in and day out. In time, one lets down their guard down, starts sharing intimate details of their lives, and eventually sharing experiences at work. Then it's an emotional affair. Then it becomes a full blown relationship.
Rarely does it have to do with how "hot" someone looks, or whether or not they are or are not a liar. It does having everything to do with who you come in contact with the most, and who you are sharing experiences with and confiding in. The lying and cheating comes later.
Very few people plan on having an affair. Affairs happen when couples grow apart and start looking for someone, something, or some activity to fill that void.
Perhaps your feelings are cumulative. If his job is keeping him from home too much, perhaps this trip is turning out to be the straw that is breaking the camel's back. Perhaps, contrary to what others are suggesting, this isn't about you and insecuritity but symptomatic of a problem in the relationship such as husband's job is keeping him so far from you that you feel like the relationship is jeopardy.
You mention he actually has 3 jobs and on top of that spends many hours in meetings too. Sounds like he's not home much, and there is little time for the two of you. If he's not already cheating, this scenario makes him ripe for it and maybe this is what has you upset.
As others have suggested, talk to him about this. Personally, I think it weird that he has to have wine at someone's (a female contractor) house to discuss work. Sounds unorthadox to me. If this is the culture at your husband's company, maybe you need to talk about how this makes you feel. People can belittle this, but if it's causing you grief, it needs to be addressed and dealt with like any other problem that can threaten a marriage. This is a big deal. It is no fault of your own. Your feelings are real and justified.
For those who want to judge, let them be at peace with turning and looking the otherway in trust. I just know I've been hit on by just about everyone of the opposite sex, married and single, in my office at one point or another. I'm average looking, and far from a flirt or someone looking for action at work. So to say there aren't threats in the workplace or that anyone on here has a spouse that hasn't hit on someone, is silly. Now add booze, or an afterwork event and anyone knows things can happen. Even unplanned things by those you would least expect. I know if I reciprocated any of the flirtations I endured on the job, I could have had many affairs by now. I'm pretty sure, sexual tension, next to money, is what makes companies run these days.
But as another poster mentioned, very few people are saints. Marriage is work, and requires communication. Trust is necessary in a relationship, but so is vigilence in protecting it. Do what you need to do, and say what you need to say. You're not being hypersensitive, or lacking in trust. You sense something isn't right, and you should trust your instincts.
trust is your problem.
not this woman.
he could easily do what you are worried about (at this conference) somewhere else (such as late evenings working at coworkers' homes).
Unless you have a GPS tracking device on his car and sit at the computer watching a blue dot sonar beep around town all day- you have no idea what your husband is doing all day.
he could do anything on this trip as well as 100 feet from your house today.
so, this trip nor this woman is your problem.
no offense but your problem is you.
figure out why you don't trust him and address this.
seems like his job is demanding and you understand that, which is wonderful. but chances are good he will continue this momentum and you WILL HAVE TO deal with your trust issues and insecurity eventually bc these feelings will not magically disappear.
and this is no way to live.
i feel terrible for you. you must hurt a lot.
xoxo
approach him in a non-accusatory way. just tell him how you feel.
i am sorry that you are struggling so with this, and somewhat horrified by those who say that we who trust our husbands are naive.
guess what? not everyone is a liar, or a cheat.
i would rather end my marriage today than feel i had to watch my husband every second. and nothing would ruin my love for him more quickly than to have him eyeing me suspiciously all the time.
no advice, but i'm going to go kiss my husband.
khairete
S.
All I can say is that I have a friend, a woman, who is in an executive position that requires a lot of travelling and sometimes it's her and another married man who are together to put on seminars and meet with brokers in common in the same area.
She has NO "designs" on these men, whatsoever.
And, one time, she and a married man were in her car on the way home when it broke down. She called AAA and the man wouldn't leave her alone until the tow truck showed up. She would have been alone, by herself, in the middle of nowhere. By nowhere, I mean NOWHERE. It took 3 hours for the tow truck to show up. The guy's wife could have been there to pick him up in that time, but he wouldn't leave his co-worker. He didn't trust the tow truck driver, he didn't trust that she could get home.
Some women might have read something into that, but some women, mainly the man's wife, was fine with him making sure she got home okay.
Can you imagine rathering your husband ditch a female co-worker?
In my opinion, either trust your husband or don't.
There's a fine line between being stupid and trusting.
It's my guess that's what YOU are worried about.
If your husband has never given you a reason to worry....don't.
I hate to say this and I don't want any hate mail, but insecure women are not attractive to men.
Some men, sooner or later, will get the idea that if they are going to be accused of something they haven't even done, why not do it?
That's not said to upset you at ALL! I promise!
Not all men are "dogs".
YOU might think your husband is a real catch and irresistable, but NEWS FLASH!!!!!
Other women might not see him that way.
I have a very good male friend, who is married. He confides in me all the time.
His wife is fine with it but her friends were SHOCKED that she allowed us to be friends.
I couldn't have a romantic relationship with him if my life depended on it.
He's an awesome person, and no dig against him. Or her. But seriously?
NEVER!!!!!!
Maybe ask to meet her if there is an opportunity and it might make you feel better.
You might be like, "What was I even worried about?"
Again, not all women are hoochies.
Best wishes.
All women aren't hoochies.
I think you should go with your gut in this situation. I don't necessarily mean that your husband is going to cheat, but you do have valid concerns, because he is after all, your husband - regardless how good he is at his job. You DO need to decide what would make you feel less concerned.
I used to work a lot one-on-one with a male co-worker. He also happened to be my husband's best friend (and he is married to MY best friend!). We spent a LOT of time together, but we had very strict boundaires - no meals out just the two of us, no after-hours meetings, no alcohol (we always met during business hours, and I have been pregnant 4 times in the last 5 years anyway so this was easy...I digress.), etc. We all have a lot of respect for our spouses and would never want to put ourselves in a situation that would be inappropriate.
My husband and I have spent a lot of time figuring out what we consider "appropriate boundaries" when it comes to co-workers of the opposite sex -- it's about comfort and respect for spouses, and ultimately to put the institute of your marriage first.
I hope you find something that works for you and your husband!
J.R.
What do you think could happen overnight that could not happen out for dinner in town, or at a lunch during the day? If your husband wanted to "cheat" then he could easily do that without leaving town. I understand it would be easier and that might be what is making you a little nervous, but I don't see that there is anything you can do here but trust your husband. If you don't trust your husband then there is reason for concern.
My husband travels often. Sometimes with women. I trust him, but I have told him as a woman I can only trust a man 99%. I tease him and sometimes before he leaves I kiddingly threaten him. We have been together 30 years and I believe he has never cheated. I really do trust him........99%.
Instead of showing your husband your insecurity, how about telling him how much you love him and will miss him. Plan a romantic evening the night before he leaves on this trip. Before he leaves how about reminding him who will be home waiting for him. Then ask him to call you when he goes back to his hotel room so that you can say goodnight.
You aren't ridiculous. You are entitled to your feelings. If it were me I'd be honest about my worries, but not make too big a deal about it. You will make him and yourself crazy.
It all depends on your husband what kind of man he is, if you are happily married and he is trustworthy you have nothing to worry about it. Is he a heavy drinker? Has he ever done anything to lose your trust? If not give him lots of kisses and I love yous and I trust yous and send him off with a light heart. (I like to make sure my DH is "satisfied" the night before he leaves home)
I would not be bothered at all if my husband was attending a conference with a female co-worker. Then again my husband has never broken my trust. Without knowing the trust issues you have it is hard to say if I think your husband is trustworthy in this scenario but he sure sounds like a hard worker trying to make a better life for his family.
I used to travel with male co-workers and I would have been really insulted if my husband ever worried about me hooking up with one of them.. It never crossed my mind to hookup for a night and I don't think he ever gave it a second thought that I would be unfaithful.
It's funny, but my husband is leaving on Monday for a week with his female co-worker and I don't give it a second thought - except that it's going to suck being alone with my 3 kids for a week! LOL I've never met her, but I do know that she's a little younger than me.
The thing is, I implicitly trust my husband. I know he'd never cheat. I never worry if he calls and says he's going to be late. I don't panic when I meet a female co-worker that happens to be attractive.
I'm sorry you have trust issues with your husband. If you have a good relationship you should talk to him about your insecurities.
Hi JR,
It's hard to live with this sort of insecurity in your marriage, huh? I agree that some counseling might be a good start. Not just because of this trip, but because of what it brings up for you, and the places you are going to in your head.
I'm not saying this is your situation, per se, but I know that some of my assumptions about people and their being trustworthy have been informed by other, past experiences that really hurt. Nonetheless, it's worth it to examine where the absence of trust comes from.
Just a question: What if you do meet this woman and find her to be gorgeous? Will that allay your worries, or fuel them? I am not sure that I would hinge my ability to trust my husband by meeting the people he travels with.
I know that I miss my husband when he's gone-- and he's had to do some travel for work. A couple years ago he was gone for a week in England with a female coworker while I was stuck home in the summer heat with a two year old. It sucked, but only because I missed him, not because I didn't trust him. And even before I had met her, I always trusted him. It's not naive, as some people might believe, it's just that I know firmly how much he values our relationship. He'd go to hell and back for me, and I would do the same.
Find out what it is that is hurting you so, and you'll actually be happier, because you'll be able to deal with it. My husband, too, has made some big, stupid mistakes about things he was afraid to tell me about (umm...$300 dollar cribbage board! he's a collector, but when I was 7 months pregnant and found out about it, I was seriously ready to wring his neck)-- but he does always tell me the truth when I ask. And that's important to me. Marriage counseling really helped us to be able to talk about the harder stuff. It's a good place to think about starting.
H.
Many years back, naievely I would have applauded all of the answers that say don't worry. But sorry, now I am older and I think you are on the mark that you should meet the woman. She might then turn into a person who is clearly no threat. She may have a husband of her own that she is worried about while she travels. The point is that if you meet her you might not be worried and there is nothing wrong with being clear about that. She might even be relieved. Trust your instincts. Always. And make a way to meet her. I am sorry, but it is true, sometimes people are all too human.
You are not being ridiculous and don't let anyone say you are. I would feel the exact same way and I have an amazing marriage. My husband travels for a living and we have never had a trust issue, he has never lied about anything, he calls me when leaving for dinner and when he gets back to the hotel. I trust him completely, BUT there is no way that I would want my husband traveling with a woman I have not met, that calls the house all the time, etc I strongly say you should all have dinner or drinks prior to this conference so you can meet her. It is human to be insecure. Why does your husband work so many odd jobs anyway? The one with 'all the women' I think would have to go. There would be no dinners after hours with wine at female's houses. That is a bit much. I don't think he would allow you to do the same with males. Can you go on this conference with him? shop, stay in the hotel until he gets off of work. I agree 100% with the woman who said to ask where he will be and call the hotel. I had a boyfriend once and felt a tiny little twinge or whisper and called the hotel and come to find out he was there with another woman. If your husband was innocent, he would make you feel 100% secure like my husband does. A man CAN make his wife feel secure. So sorry you are feeling this uneasiness. let us know how it turns out and email if you need to vent or talk.
Hi J.R, I don't usually respond to things on here, but after reading some of the responses I felt that I had to. First of all, being concerned does not make you insecure. I have heard and seen all too many times, women in "good" marriages have husbands who work with women on business outings/trips find out down the road that their husbands cheated. I am not saying yours is or did, but I would definately talk to him about your concerns. I am sure he would not be too happy if tables were turned and you were the one working these long hours with men. I don't care what these other women say about being secure/insecure. The most secure women out there may have a husband who cheats on her. Some men do it when they know their wife would not suspect it because they are so "secure".. You see what I am saying. In a good marriage you would you should be able to discuss your concerns with him and tell him how you are feeling. He may not want to hear or discuss it right away, but if he loves you he'll come around. This is a tough situation and the only and best way to get through it is talking to your husband about it...voice your concerns and let him know that dinners/going to her place, stuff like that... is it really necessary? You are so right about the booze.. I have had married men in what looked like good marriages.. (I met the women) hit on me at work or after work gatherings and it upset him greatly. Now I am not insecure, but I do like to know what my husband is doing and who he is with and I rather he not drink. We talk talk and talk. We have been married 10 years now and he too knows that communication is key to security and a good healthy marriage. If you need someone to talk to send me a line. Best wishes to you. Pray for guidance.. I have to agree with Turk..she could not have said it any better!!
The bottom line is:
You either trust him or not.
But that is something you do not have, toward him.
And you have never met this woman co-worker.
So why don't you meet her?
Your Husband does not hide her or his work obligations.
He does NOT HIDE it.
Not all companies, are full of sluts and fool around or drink heavily... like your previous job.
And gee, I'm sure when he is away, he has a cell phone and you/he will call each other. Like any other normal spouse.
Absolutely, you have every reason to be concerned. LOTS of affairs happen at conferences. Especially when drinking is involved! Since your husband hangs out and drinks with is female coworkers on a regular basis, it would be natural for him to do so there as well.
If it were me I'd ask him to hold himself accountable to you about whats going on after the meeting. Figure out what would make you feel comfortable and ask him to do it. See how he handles this.
Best wishes!
Do you and your husband generally have a good marriage? Do you guys have a good sex life? Is this female coworker single or married? Is there REALLY a conference, or could it be possible that your husband is making this up and is planning a little rendezvous with her and lying to you saying there is a conference? Only you know these answers. One thing I have learned from life (the extremely hard way) is this - NEVER IGNORE RED FLAGS. I have turned a blind eye to many red flags in the past and shouldn't have. Go with your gut - since you are suspicious, do some research to make sure there really is a conference - maybe you can call his company (from someone else's phone - not your home or cell phone) pretending to be some client and ask when the conference is. Another idea (I like this one better) - ask your husband where the conference is, and then call that place and ask if there will be a conference!
Surprise him at his office with lunch one day and while you're there, ask him to introduce you to this female coworker. If he refuses or acts funny about it in any way, there is definately a red flag! Do your homework/research and don't ignore your gut/red flags, and you shall find the truth!
I also recommend marriage counseling. Your marriage cannot survive with so much lack of trust. Best wishes!
.
.
Your feelings are totally valid but it doesn't mean he will fall into bed with a co-worker while gone on business. Why don't you secure a sitter for your kids and go with him. Tell him you guys need some alone time and this is a great chance-dinners together in the evening, etc. My girlfriend does that all the time-she travels twic ea year for work so she warns hubby in advance, gets a sitter, and he goes with her. Part of it is so they can get some couple time and I know the other part of it is because she doesn't completely trust him. He's strayed before and she knows it.
Yes you have valid points for being concerned, but what are you going to do? Pray about it, journal and hopefully something will put you at ease, if that doesn't work then you need to reconsider the relationship or seek some counsel. Im gonna keep you in my thoughts...
another woman just posted about her husband having to stay in the same room with his HS female BFF on a trip, because she is opting not to go...thats a toughy too
no i don't think your being ridiculious. I feel for you and to be honest I would ask if you and him could go together and see if you can get someone to watcht he children for the two days just so you guys can have time together after the confrence. You are a strong woman to put up with this cuz i would not be able to deal with this at all in any way and I would be upset that hes not home to have dinner with you guys. He is showing your children that it is ok to work and have a wife at home and have your cake too. It seems like financial for all his work he does you and him should be able to do this get away. I wouldn't allow it. I would be upset. If you can't go he shouldn't either. This is a big thing for you and him and even if you guys have been married for this long and have known each other this long I wouldn't tolerate this nor not meeting her and getting to know her. If you have met most of the other employees why not her. Something just not right about any of this in my gut. My advice is to put your foot down and say I go with you or she goes and handles it herself and you stay with me and the kids or you can expect whatever how you want to handle it if it was me the third thing would be a divorce for me. You are taking care of the family issue and doing things your self already and it seems hes taking it for granite. So you would be fine without him, You need to stand your ground and do whats right. Follow your gut Good luck!!
This is not something that bothers me. My husgand has been in sales working with women, dining with women, etc and we've been together 25 yrs.
It is a "JOB" to him and nothing more. Neither of us would think twice or feel insecure about a business trip. He has been on numerous trips where women were in attendance.
I don't understand why you are worrying so much about the "what if's" He is not hiding this from you.
I would be concerned..although my husband's job is a lot different and he only works with men so maybe I dont understand completely...but I would not feel comfortable with him being away with another female...especially if I did not meet her yet.. Maybe if there is time ask him if you can meet her...would that ease your mind? Good luck
Well, I understand you being uneasy, but unfortunately it's something you're just going to have to suck up and deal with. This is one of those things I wouldn't say THAT much to him about, but I think it's fine to let him know that it bothers you a bit and that you've been to these conferences and know that things get out of hand sometime between co-workers. Ultimately he has to work with her, so you can't really do anything about that. Try to imagine if he were an airline pilot or regional sales manager or something where he had to travel every week or a few weeks per month. You would never know who he was seeing then, but that's the way some jobs are. I don't think it would be weird to ask him what the agenda for their time away is -does it involve boozy parties or just visiting a business location and going back to the hotel? Ask him to call you around 11pm every night. I'm not saying that would stop anything, but it's not a bad idea. Since this is work, you're just going to have to trust him -or at least pretend that you do! If trust is a big issue in your marriage -and I think it must be because this wouldn't bother me nearly as much with my husband -then maybe you two need to talk to someone together. Also -for all I know your husband is amazing looking and most likely he's VERY attractive to you, but step outside of that for a minute and give him a good, hard look. I'm not saying people have to be hot to have affairs, but it does take two to tango! IS your husband a hottie or does he have that middle-aged gut going and maybe he's sexy to you, but he's basically just an average-joe type? It's great if your guy is special for you, but sometimes it's nice to realize that they're actually NOT that sexy or attractive to most other women who meet them!
Okay... people are going to find me unusual, and I may get hate responses, but here goes. I don't trust my husband at all. He's never given me a reason not to trust him, but... men and women are built differently, sexually. Men do not have to have an emotional attachment to a woman to have sex with her. And, men like lots of different women, not just one. The fact that people get married, knowing this, amazes me. My husband and I had a child before marriage, and I was pregnant with the second one when we mutually decided to get married. For tax benefits. I love my husband. More than anything. He says that he "loves" me, but, I have no illusions of there being anything romantic about our relationship. I don't believe that he loves me, at least, not in the way that I love him. I expect my husband to cheat on me. When we first got together, I had a jealousy problem and that caused more problems than anything. He's always said that he'll be faithful, and that he'd never cheat on me... and all the usual stuff that men say. I still don't believe him. Do I sit here worrying about it, now? Knowing that it's his natural response? No. There's more important things in life to worry about, like my kids. How do I protect myself from disease? Use condoms... for "birth control". I don't think that the conversation will ever come up about me getting sterilized because he doesn't care, so long as he gets the sex. You can't control what he does in any situation, so control what you can... you. Afraid of disease, use condoms or don't have sex. Find something that makes him less important, like a hobby, or your kids.
Yes, you are being ridiculous. As you already stated, it is not uncommon for males & females to travel together for company events. If you don't trust your husband, you shouldn't be married to him. Just sayin'...
Honestly I think that if he wanted to cheat with this women he could have already done it. All he would have to say is that he has a meeting with her. He wouldn't have to go on a trip to make it happen. If he hasn't given you a reason in the past as far as cheating goes then he probably isn't gonna start now. I can understand the thoughts running thru your mind knowing that they will be in a hotel together but sometimes thoughts are just thoughts. It's crossed your mind but probably hasn't crossed his! You know your husband better then anyone, you will know if he comes back and something is different! Have him call you when he gets down there, call you after the meetings and before he goes to bed maybe that will help you keep peace of mind about it all! We have to trust our spouses until they give us a reason to not trust them otherwise whats the point! If I were in your shoes those thoughts would cross my mind and I would prob talk to my hubby, not accuse him but just have a normal conversation about it, and then try to put it out of my mind. Good luck!
