Is It Rude?

I actually feel SO INCREDIBLY SORRY for this poor mum. Not a single one of her friends or family threw her a shower?!? NOTHING to welcome this baby into the world? Nothing to help out an exhausted, stressed out new mum?!? Nothing?????? Not ONE person?

Shame on them.

I would be annoyed as well. Just get her what you originally were going to get her and leave it at that. No need to "punish" her for her bad manners. She wouldn't "get it" anyway. People who are rude don't usually know when they are being that way.
If she is a good friend, make the poor lady a casserole. Otherwise, let it go. There are so many other things to stress out about.
I don't agree with the previous poster who suggested that the friends were out of line for not throwing a shower. She should already have the stuff she needs and asking for more or newer stuff is kind of selfish and wasteful. Generations of women have made do with hand me downs, there is nothing wrong with it. No one "deserves" a shower.

Hi!

I don't follow all of the etiquette rules but this is way up there on my list. YOU DON'T BEG FOR GIFTS! And that is what she is doing. So very rude. And I would not chalk it up to pregnancy hormones. Geez. That is no excuse for bad behavior.

I would simply send a nice hallmark card congratulating them on the birth of the baby and that is it.

Lisa

Buy her WalMart Gift Card!

I have to laugh because my birthday is coming up in a couple of days and it just never dawned on me that I could probably send out a mass e-mail to everyone telling them exactly what kind of presents I want them to buy because, after all, one or two of my friends have called me to ask what I would like. LOL! This is just way to funny and way to ballsy!!!

Anyway, if your friend is not normally like this, I would chalk it up to pregnancy hormones or possibly being swept up in everyone else's excitement about the new baby that is on it's way. I know that when there is a large gap between pregnancies or if you had a girl the first time around and now you are having a boy, as an example, then a second shower is not necessarily out of the questions. But I think it is about what people want to give you and not what you expect to be given.

And that's just my 2-cents...

Sorry, but I can't stop laughing. Really? Are there really people out there like that? I think it is important to tell people what you want in life because then you will be more likely of getting it, but this is a little over the top. If she is your friend, you should still go withyour original plan (before the email). In the great age of technology, I think sometimes people don't realize that the written word may come off very differently than it would in conversation. Also, based on your reaction, it sounds like this may be a little out of charecter for her. So, give her the benefit of the doubt.
C.

Your right that is rude. Send her a card to congratulate her and be done with it.

I was given few things I registered for with my first child, which I figured is normal since not everyone had access to the stores we registered at, people offered us a lot of hand-me-downs, and they were very supportive. People did ask with my second but I do not recall offering information without being prompted. One of my co-workers did not register for her second, but we had a work shower and I asked one of the ladies coordinating it if she knew if she wanted or needed anything, so she emailed me a list. They were sending it per request only, which struck me as very polite.

You definitely can go ahead and get the "little something." This is a second baby (not that they don't have needs, but hopefully she kept the basics). I would just act normal and give her the benefit of the doubt--maybe she has been asked a million times what she needs/wants and what people could bring and she is sick of answering. I could understand that. I do think it is weird to say where not to get a gift card (she could send her husband to Wal Mart, although mine is the one who hates going there). Anyway, try to ignore it and be excited about the baby. I also like to bring something small for the older brother or sister to unwrap--sometimes I've done that with just a pack of onesies or sleepers, since the older child can feel left out.

Well, I am surprised by the moms on here that suggest that you should retaliate or punish your friend by getting her what she requesting not to be given or nothing at all. Was she rude by sending this email...absolutely. I know I have friends that have made mannerless decisions but if they are really my friends, I treat them just the same and don't judge. If she is more an aquaintance than a friend, acknowledge the blessing with just a card. If she is really a friend, then overlook the email and do what is in your heart. I think the answer is more about your character than hers. Best wishes.

I guess I would take it different than you did. Neither would I NOT buy her/baby what I had planned. I guess I would not take the email personal unless it was sent out "JUST" to you. Then I would read into it. A mass email, I would take as a way to "Settle the questions". She probably has many many friends asking; "Well what do you want or need"? This email is just stopping that question. So I guess I would not take it personal. I actually think it was very amazing that she asked for dishes. This is something I wish all friends did with new moms especially after having 2nd babies. I actually tell my new moms; "When people call postpartum and ask if there is anything you wanted or needed; because most people do with the 2nd; say "Yes, Lunch/Dinner". LOL... I think you may have just been in a different frame of mind when you read it. Just relax and let it go. Now, if you were buying the gift for some other reason and not just because you enjoy giving, then don't buy her anything. I am sure she will get enough other stuff. About the Walmart comment...... I actually found that a little funny.... I go there 2-3 times a week and have a friend who swears the smell of every Walmart gives her a Headache. LOL.... She is a physician also. So we joke about coming up with a new illness called the "Walmartmonia". Let it go unless you just want to be in the middle of drama. You will never get the early days back of a friend's baby & if you are close to her it will affect the relationship with you and baby for the rest of duration. TRUST ME!

Hi Bee
I agree with you,I personally don't like this new culture of people telling you what present to buy. She has seemed to gone a way too far,what food to bring to her house etc.etc.etc. LOL!!
I find it a bit controlling and somewhat cheeky.It take a certain personality I think! ,Control feaks,which I think are perfectionists with issues!
I personally wouldn't and would just wait for the excitement of not knowing what presents I'm getting.
My advise would be to still get the gift you had intended,I always do regardless of lists that I get.
Its not so bad that this should affect your friendship in any way.As I said it's just different personalities and their ways.Give her a small bit of slack considering she just had a baby!
B.

I might be the minority, but I would take that email totally different then you. I know a lot of people, me included, who are guilty of just checking "all" in my address book in my email and send a mass email (I also sent a mass text message to people when I gave birth). So I wouldn't have taken it personally that I didn't ask what she wanted, and I would have just thought it was a mass email.
Maybe there are a lot of people who are asking what she wants. And that was the messages intent, she also gave an option to *not* buy her a gift and simply just bring food that her family likes (if they don't like it, it would go to waste and no one would want that).
I do know a lot of people that refuse to shop at Wal-mart. Just because I am there 2 times I week, I would hate that if I bought a gift card for someone who doesn't shop there, it would be useless.
Unless theres more to it, the info you posted I took a totally different way then you. Everyone I know also throws a baby shower for every pregnancy. Even if she has the majority of stuff we throw just a diaper/wipe shower. Maybe that was also why she sent an email. Maybe some of her friends thought they hadn't been invited when there really was no shower, and when they found out they began asking what she needed. I would be one of those people. I just think there are a lot of reasons as to why she *could have* sent that email. Maybe I do too much correspondence through text/e-mail though. =)
If you don't want to get her a gift I also don't think it would be a big deal.

I haven't read all of your responses but I TOTALLY disagree with Jasmine S. I adjusted to two kids without outside help and I adjusted to three kids without outside help. Boohoo! No one asked her to have another kid.

You don't have to get her anything. But if you do, She totally deserves to get a Walmart gift card. She can shop online and have it delivered to her front door.

Yes, it's extremely rude. Unfortunately, with today's technology etiquette has completely fallen by the wayside. To her it may just be the "norm".

I would ignore the e-mail. If you were planning on getting her something after the baby is born, that's exactly what you should do. It should be what you want to get her, not going out of your way to get something on the list.

Arrogant is the word that comes to mind for me. I would stick to my original idea that you have and if it isn't appreciated then that is her problem.

L.

I would just pretend I never received the email, and get her whatever you were planning on getting her in the first place. The email was BEYOND tacky and classless! Just another example of the fact that just because someone has money doesn't mean they have any class!

Wow. That is a good one. (Sarcasm.) As you know already, a very tacky move on her part.
I know of someone that did that for their son's graduation.
Sent a mass email out saying, "the invitations will be late, but there will be a graduation celebration for 'Bob' soon. We are struggling a bit for cash for the party and school both, so cash gifts to Bob would help him a lot for his future."

Then 3 hours later she sent out another saying, "oh, I'm so sorry that went to everyone. It was only supposed to go to a couple friends who asked."

Yeah, right. I pretended I never read it.

Did she not have a baby shower?, She should have, thats where telling people what presents are wanted is appropriate. If she did have a baby shower then this is quite tacky. If she didnt, its still tacky, just less tacky. The casserole part makes me ''lol''.......then the comment about walmart makes her sound like a princess. Her hormones must be in a rage, or somebody forgot to polish her.

Id get the gift you were planning on.

Wow. I think she has a lot of nerve. The majority of people that I know only had a shower for their first child UNLESS a huge amount of time between children.( like 10 yrs)
My mom had a second shower friends thrown it for her when she was pregnant with her 3rd. My brother is 12 yrs younger than myself and 8 yrs younger than my sister so my mom had already gotten rid of all her baby stuff. She never expected one it just something her friends did.
I had 3 kids in 6 yrs and I was suprised at my one and only shower and grateful for all the stuff.
I would not give her something. If you were planning to give her something I am you have changed your tune since since she is so pushy and just expecting.
I would if I am pressed just tell her NO thank you and leave it at that. I would not say another word.

Very (actually off-the-chart) rude. Go with your original plan and ignore the email. SHEESH!!! :-)

This is super rude! After that email...I don't think I'd get her a thing! Geez! Do whatever your original plan was, and leave it at that.

Eh... Pregnant women can be a little uh... insane. She probably just trying to make it easier for everyone. You don't know if her family is bugging her or what. I'd get her a gift either way. I was a little.. well, you know, when I was pregnant. They even made a show about bridezillas. Lol.

I don't think of that as rude, just excessively proactive! I have several friends and relatives who do similar things, and I actually find them helpful. One darling relative, when asked what color the nursery would be for a long awaited baby, sent out folders with paint chips, fabric samples, sketches, and explanations of how the room would be transitioned from infant to toddler. I knitted a blanket to match, when I got up off the floor from laughing. Do exactly what you would have done for her before you got the email, and invite her to help organize your next event!

This is beyond rude. Some people, my goodness? Didn't her mother teach her any better? I would use the email as a teaching tool for my children as what not to do, ever. I think I was about 4 or 5 when I learned that is was rude to ask for gifts from people.

get her what you were planning on getting her. she expressed what she needed, whether prompted or not, but you should get her whatever you feel comfortable with.
i wouldn't get a wal mart gift card. that would be rude too :)

I'm with liv...

Get her a walmart card!!

A small one...

lol

Was she a rude, self-centered person with the entitlement personality before she got pregnant? If not, just chalk it up to hormones and just go with what you were going to do. If she was a little @#$%* before, then don't be surprised and just ignore her email.

You always have the choice to celebrate a child's birth any way you want to.
And if she ever asks you if you thought the email was rude, you can just say that you just chalked it up to raging hormones.

I would just add it to my mental file titled, "Can you believe this?!?"

Give her a $20 Wal Mart gift card. (I agree with Catwalk and Liv.) Either that or a savings bond -- something that SHE cannot use.

You are definitely right that it was rude. I might also say she is crazy. Coo-Coo. But ok...What to do? Because to not celebrate/acknowledge this sweet new baby makes you look rude and you just can't let her do that to you.

Soooo...You know what is a nice gift? A book. It is sincere. It is something you don't really register for. Giving the gift of reading is always a good idea...Though this mom may not get that.

Emily Post is rolling over in her grave. Rude? YES! Not to mention tacky and tasteless. I suppose you just have to remind yourself that people like this didn't have anyone to teach them better when they were growing up. I second the recommendation for getting her a Wal Mart gift card. And why not throw in a copy of "Etiquette" while you're at it.

Our high tech world has recreated communication etiquette for sure. If she's your friend get her the present you were gonna get her. She is probably just overwhelmed and desperate and letting everyone know where she stands and what she needs. Make the poor thing happy, she probably doesnt even have time to attend her own shower this time since she already has what I assume is probably a toddler.
My kids got me putting my birthday and Christmas wish list on Amazon for them.... so I do, and it works wonders.

Your friend says "everyone asked," but you weren't one of the "everyone," so you don't need to pay attention to her list. Since she is your friend, give her what you had in mind. That, I imagine, is what most people will do.

I'm admittedly old-fashioned - archaic might be a more accurate word - but I do believe that a general e-mail was out of line here. If I'm your friend and you ask me what I need, I'll be glad (and thankful!) to tell you, but if I tell the world (or my world), it's tacky.

I'll go as far as to say that referring friends (who ask!) to a wish list on a web site may be all right, but only if you're saying, "These are some products l think highly of," and not the childish, "Gimme these, all these, and only these!" That's for four-year-olds. The responsibility is on the prospective gift-ee (is that a word?) to communicate courteously to gift-ers WHO ASK.

After all, the distinguishing feature of a gift is the fact that nobody is required to give you anything. End of lecture. (Golly, I'm starting to sound like Miss Manners.)

Found funny but wouldn't be offended. I like shopping Walmart because how inexpensive stuff is but I have had many shopping experiences where I came out of there and was ready to pull my hair out. She didn't say she doesn't like it she said it gives her anxiety. Go with your original plan. Some people prefer Target over Walmart and visa versa and some don't like either. I like both but you can always count on Target being 80 degrees plus no matter what time of the year it is and by the time you leave you feel like you've done a workout. My stroller has a temp gage on it and has never been below 83 degrees when we are in Target if anyone is wandering how I know the temp. I don't think it has anything to do with etiquette and everything to do with preference. If you were having a house warming and you specified "Absolutely nothing yellow, I hate yellow" I don't think anyone would be offended by that and you would be pretty mad if someone bout you yellow curtains. No offense but you shouldn't take things so personally.

Having just had a baby I think all you people suck. With my first I received so many useless gifts of clothes that did not fit or were seasonally inappropriate. I also DESPISE Walmart. What is wrong with a wish list or a bay registry. If you have a bunch of baby stuff and people will buy you gifts and I know that I had to spend hours returning things I did not want or need because of thoughtless gift giving. Thank you but my baby does not need 15 useless blankets. Also I was thanked by everyone I sent a wish list to and was given many of the items. So I am just wondering how many of you that replied have recently had a baby!!!

If you have children or have ever been in the hospital, you know that getting up out of bed and having to cook dinner is not what you really want to do,A new baby takes up alot of time day and night. The meals sounds the best for me, just make up enough that you could take them over and leave them for several dinners, large enough that they could also have some left overs for lunch. Put them in those pans that can be tossed, that way there is no washing either. This would be the best gift that I could have received had I been given the chance.

Hmmm that's a tuffy...I think it was rude of her & a bit immature...it sounds like she's a bit insecure or something, like she wants attention but is trying not to sound like she is...being blasae abt it. I would just go ahead & get what you had planned on getting her, if she says something you can prob let her know that while she made a list of items she expected people to bring her, you think it's always fun to bring something she didn't expect. After all, people do enjoy surprises right? If she gets upset over what you had brought, that's her problem. She shouldn't be so selfish & self absorbed. She's lucky anyone bought her anything & should appreciate that! Hope this helps! Good luck!!

Well, yes it was tacky. But I know some people act a bit nutty when they have kids. Is she likes this all the time or is this and aberration? I know I get a little more fly when pregnant. I probably wouldn't get her a Wal-Mart card, I mean why stress her out, she is obviously not doing that great at the moment. I would probably just do nothing, if my heart wasn't in it, or I would go and see the new baby and take over some spaghetti and a loaf of french bread and call it a day. We all do things that are not cool and need our close friends to turn a blind eye and love us through it. Take care:)

I don't see the problem. I don't know how many kids you have but I just had my second in June. I thought I would adjust easily to having 2 kids but it's super duuuuuuuperrrrr hard. I think asking for dishes is such a smart idea! I didn't really need any clothes but needed all the baby gear like a swing/highchair etc. And every baby needs diapers. I asked for giftcards to target or to HEB. I got a few to walmart even though it's not my favorite place to shop but again they have wipes/diapers/medicine that I will use. I noticed this time around that the help dwindles faster than with the first child. So I think asking for frozen dishes or being specific with what you want is fine. Even though that doesn't mean you have to get her that, still give her whatever you want but her asking isn't rude. I don't think moms of one kid understand how hard it is to adjust to that second child, it's super hard the first few months.

once again i am late in responding. sorry got 2 boys and a absent husband for a while. i did not have a shower with either of my kids. my parents and inlaws asked what i could use. if they were able to get them for us it was awesome. none of my friends asked or even offered. one friend did ask her mom to make a crocheted blanket for my oldest. it is his fav. blanket. for my youngest a friend kept the oldest so i could have my dh with me while in labor. other wise i would of been by myself. my mother in law stayed with us for a few days after the youngest was born. i am not like most people. i don't mind others staying at my house for a few days but if you are in my house i prefer to do the cooking,cleaning, taking care of kids etc. but when dh went back to work i loved having her there so i could take a shower. point for this long reply: take her a meal or watch the kids so she can take a shower. my youngest was a colicky baby so i was sleep deprived already so when he woke up around 6am i would stay up and visit with dh till he had to leave for work, then when oldest boy woke up i spent time with him. i did not sleep when youngest slept because i was doing things round the house, spending time with the oldest. also since she has a older child please get some thing for him/her also. it doesn't have to big anything big. i mean a $0.98 hot wheel car(if a boy) would be nice.

Very presumptuous, too. I wouldn't get her anything. I would ignore the email.

I bought a gift card to a restaurant for a girl I really didn't know because she had a miscarriage and it was sooo devastating for her and her husband of 4 kids. "They had been trying for so long to have another baby". Another friend of mine sent an email out to send her food, etc because of their loss. I never heard a thing back from her. I guess she recovered.

Good luck, but, I wouldn't send anything. Maybe offer to watch her kids for her so she can shower and clean up. That's a hard thing for a mom with little kids. It's such a luxury to bathe and do your hair and make-up in peace.