Is Counseling Right for My 3 Year Old Son??

You might want to have him evaluated by a child psychologist. He could have ADHD or sensory issues or a miriad of things that can be a huge challenge for parents but are also things that can completely be addressed.

When our daughter was about 2, she was similarly uncontrollable, and we were similarly desperate. We were not inexperienced or naive or super-young parents. We got some unhelpful advice, or none at all. And we tried everything that worked with her older brother, who was a calm and happy child.

Here's what we finally did:

First, we got basic blood tests. They showed some fairly easily correctable deficiencies.

Then we took her to an allergist, after a very insightful doctor recommended that. The doctor told us that food allergies or intolerances can affect behavior. We often assume that allergies will show up as hives or red skin or other visible physical problems, but this insightful doctor informed us that a food intolerance or allergy can cause all kinds of behavior disturbances (he once had a patient who was allergic to environmental things, and he constantly banged his head and destroyed things). Sure enough, our daughter was extremely intolerant to sorbitol, which is naturally present in apples and other fruits. And she had some allergies, too.

The next step was to take her to a pediatric eating disorder therapist, who helped us develop a food plan for her. Aside from eating problems, he specialized in basic behavior issues in young children. We learned so much. We had to learn to parent this child differently.

The other thing we learned from the therapist was about blood sugar levels (the therapist worked with a nutritionist and pediatrician). Although our daughter wasn't diabetic, she did have low blood sugar, and when she was low, her behavior turned monstrous. Rage, destruction, head-banging, etc. We learned to give her quick proteins (cheese sticks, good quality yogurt cups) or pure orange juice, and it affected her behavior remarkably.

Once we removed her allergens and corrected her blood sugar levels and adjusted her diet, she was a much calmer child.

So basically, I say that counseling can help a very young child, but it can be as helpful for parents who are frustrated. But only if the parents are willing to try the doctor's plan, and to act in unison, and give the doctor's advice a try.

I don't know how you react when your child is banging his head, but my advice is to first rule out any physical issues (allergies to foods or grasses/trees or substances in paints or wood or fibers, vitamin or mineral deficiencies, blood sugar levels, good nutrition), and then work on helpful tantrum techniques.

Perhaps your son has no physical or medical issues whatsoever. But still a therapist who specializes in helping very young children can help both the child and the parents. It's ok to seek advice.

Spanking and yelling don't work - they teach children that hitting is okay if you're bigger than the other guy, and that getting out of control is okay. They need calm. Rewards charts are tough for kids this age - too much of a delay between action and pay-off. I also think it's unreasonable to ask a 3 year old why he got in trouble. He doesn't have the vocabulary or maturity to discuss it, but a more effective parenting style would give him immediate consequences and a better understanding of your expectations and approval/disapproval.

It also sounds like you are trying too many things, and that your husband is not on the same page at all. What's his plan? To make you do it all while he's at work? That's not a parenting plan.

A counselor couldn't hurt, but you should understand that it will include sessions with you and your husband, partly by yourselves and frequently with your child. This is FAMILY counseling, not "straighten out the 3 year old" counseling.

If you're not happy with your pediatrician, switch. But maybe he'll blowing you off because it's not a medical issue and he thinks you should go to a behavioral therapist. More assessment of your child's issues as well as your parenting style(s) would be very enlightening. I'd do it.

Spanking and yelling is not going to work. So don't continue to do that.

Honestly, the fact that your husband doesn't want a counselor means that his head is in the sand. He would rather not face some hard truths, including that he lets his 3 year old run the household, than have to be put on the spot with someone outside of the family.

Your ped is also complicit in putting his head in the sand. Your child needs to be evaluated. His behavior sounds frightening. And he truly does NOT know why he is behaving this way. He is only 3.

You MUST get him help before he is put in a school for behaviorally-challenged children, away from the normal kids, where he will observe this kind of behavior and emulate it. Ask your husband if that's what he wants. Because that's what he is going to get if he doesn't open his eyes.

If your pediatrician suggested a counselor, that does not sound like "blowing you off" - there is no magic pill that your pediatrician can quickly prescribe to make this all go away!

Why does your husband not like the idea of a counselor? He equates it with weakness/mental problems, thinks your son will be "seeing a shrink"?

It's not like that. Your son needs a professional to evaluate his *behavior*. Maybe he has ADHD, maybe he is stressed about something he perceives at home, etc etc - you need to get to the root of what is causing his behavior so that you can work on "fixing" it.

Ask the pediatrician for a referral to a specific counselor, if there is one that pediatrician recommends, or look up services in your geographical area.

Well - by suggesting counselling, I'm guessing the paediatrician felt as parents you could benefit from seeing one to get some tips on how to handle the behavior, and to parent more effectively (everyone at some point can benefit from this, so don't take it as an insult). But also, they may have felt he needs to be assessed. Go ahead and find a counsellor that specializes in this (ask Pediatrician for recommendations) and book an appointment - with or without your husband's support.

I took my son to counselling for a few sessions and my husband was on board, but he couldn't attend all the sessions so I went. I just shared the plan with him afterwards.

As for your son, some kids hit the terrible two's at three. Especially kids who have a new baby in the house.

My relative works on a paediatric team - the first thing they would say, is he getting enough to eat (healthy, regularly), is he getting enough sleep, is he getting enough time to run and play outside or somewhere he can let off steam, is he getting enough attention - one on one time?

As for the biting and screaming .. some kids go through a biting phase. We've seen it at our daycares. Ours were never biters so I don't know what works, but there are strategies you can work on to get over that.

As far as you guys spanking, yelling, time outs etc. that just upsets an upset child. It's like making a fire bigger by pouring gas on it. Calm, patience, taking a time out for you (the parent), presenting calm options - "Once you calm down, we'll read a story .. " and removing yourself from child until he behaves is a good option. I did that with mine. I'd scoop the baby up and say "Your yelling is hurting our ears. Once you stop yelling, you can join us (in this fun activity)".

I found giving them a positive option to work towards much better than saying "You have to sit here and think about what you did." Three year olds are clueless half the time as to what they did. They just want attention. He's just going about it the wrong way. So when he is well behaved, then give him ALL kinds of attention.

I am assuming medically - he's ok. My son had chronic ear problems due to allergies and was out of sorts as a little kid. He was miserable and didn't have the words to let us know. So hopefully they ruled out things like that at the paediatrician's.

Good luck :) Keep us posted.

J., in response to your answer below...

I understand that husbands can be a bit reluctant to change things or deal with those hard parts of themselves that they feel ashamed of or challenged by. Counselors aren't there to tell you, your husband, or anyone that they are bad people; they are there to help families learn to grow together. And yes, that means that the adults have to be honest about their own actions and beliefs and fears. And that can feel scary if people are trying not to have to deal with it.

I have a child with ADHD. I, myself, have generalized anxiety disorder and likely, ADHD. And a chromosomal defect which may be a contributing factor in both, and which I might have passed along. (Fun thought, right? Yikes!) The reason I share this is because I know some of the fears your husband might be experiencing. My son suffered from situational anxiety for quite a while, and honestly, there were times I blamed myself. As parents we feel responsible if our wacky neuro-chemistry is seen in our kids, we feel like we failed them because it might be 'passed down'. Here's the thing: I had done a lot of counseling before I had him and I knew that avoidance only makes things worse. I was the one, not my husband, who pushed to get our son a diagnosis when we were seeing atypical development and behavior. I was the one who decided, after a lot of waffling and discussion, to make the doctor's appointment to get our son medication to manage his ADHD a bit better. I was the one who had to advocate and push for us to move our son from public school (which was safer in some ways, but failing our son) to a homeschooling life (which has allowed him to blossom).

All of these things were uncomfortable for us at times, but my husband is grateful that I decided to go forward and take those challenging steps. Sometimes, we have to say "this is hard, but we all have to grow and learn how to do this better." I hope you will look at a neurological evaluation as well as family counseling for all of you. Your son does also have a huge adjustment with a new baby in the house. Everyone is likely a bit more stressed. Be forgiving of him, your husband, and yourself. We don't come into parenthood having all the answers. It's so wonderful that we have other people to help us understand each other.

.Being the wife is a tough job, being a mom is even harder. In strength and solidarity-- be brave.! :)

Your pediatrician is blowing you off because he's not who you need to be seeing about this.

You need to call your insurance company and tell them your son needs an evaluation and who do they have on their list that can do that. It will be a psychologist that does evaluations regularity and not therapy, for the most part ALL they do is the initial evaluations. Then they refer the kiddo for the therapies that work.

There will likely be physical therapy to help him with motor development and then probably some work with other people that work with similar kids. You could do some in home therapy program too. We used a circle of care sort of program in a nearby town and they came to our house several hours per week and worked on things in our home. They did all sorts of things that helped the whole family cope, and learn new parenting skills.

A counselor for talk therapy? Not for a 3 year old but that could be beneficial for you as the parents to talk to one who specializes in cases like this.

What your son needs is a neuro-psychological evaluation. Your pediatrician is not qualified for this. He needs to see specialists, starting with a pediatric psychiatrist to get the ball rolling. My son saw a team, including a neuropsychologist, occupational and speech therapists. It was a long process, but so worth it. He's doing amazing today after getting the kind of help and services he needed.

Your 3 year old may be acting out in response to having a new sibling and dealing with the changes associated with that. Has he acted out like this before the baby was born?

When my son was born, my daughter was 2.5 years old so when he was 6 months old, my daughter was 3, the same ages as your two younger kids. Having a new sibling and dealing with not getting the same attention he used to get is tough for a 3 year old. It was for my daughter. Despite my husband and my best efforts to give our daughter as much attention as we could and maintain her routine, she acted out. Your son is too young to be aware of why he's doing what he's doing. It's no surprise that he responds with "I don't know" when you ask him why he did something.

For kids, ANY attention is better than no attention. This includes negative attention. Try to do your best to give more attention to his good behavior instead of focusing on his negative behavior (this is really hard. I'm still working on it myself). Also, I'm sure you're probably already doing this, but try to give him some alone time with you and/or your husband if possible.

If your husband does not want to see a counselor, go on your own. It'll help you see the big picture and also help you figure out what you're doing right and the areas that can use some improvement. When we first got a referral for our therapist, I thought it would be for our daughter, but it ended up being for us. Our daughter met with the therapist just once out of 4-5 sessions. It gave us insight into the whole situation and was really helpful.

I don't see how it could hurt.
Give it a try.

I think that he is just acting out maybe for more attention? Does he feel that he doesn't get enough attention at home? If not I would think keep your options open.

Yes, I think counseling is a good idea for him. There's obviously something going on that you are not equipped to handle without professional help. A counselor will be able to work with him to find the cause of the behavior and help him develop strategies to manage his anger/frustration.

I also think you (and your husband if you can talk him into it) would benefit from parenting classes. This is not to say you are a bad parent - I don't think that at all - but simply because the classes might help you find new ways to handle him when he gets so upset. It also might give you new ideas to get him to listen to you. It may also be helpful to you to meet other parents in similar situations, know that you're not alone, and see how they cope with it.

I hope things get better for you soon. Hang in there!

see the counselor, request evaluations for behavior disorders and adhd and any other thing that may be causing his problems. if this has only been an issue since the 6 month was born then you need to evaluate how your interacting with him as having a baby can flip a child's world upsidown.

You absolutely need somebody. I don't think that counseling for a 3 year old would work, but certainly an evaluation with a child psychologist then some sessions with you (and your husband if he will come) to learn how to best parent your particular child would be helpful.

Every child is different, and you need to figure out how to parent him - for you, for your family, and most especially for your unhappy child. If your husband won't do it with you, do it without him. Your child is literally screaming for help.

J.,

Welcome to mamapedia!

You need to change pediatricians if he blows you and your child off.

Your son is 3. Tell us what structure he has in his life.
Tell us what ROUTINES he has in his life.
Tell us how much one-on-one time does he get from you and his dad?
How often do you change things on him?
How often do you change the line and expectations of what you want him to do and how he behaves?
Are you and your husband on the same page? It doesn't sound like it.
Does he change his behavior around other people or in groups?

Your son needs structure.
He needs to know his boundaries and the consequences for breaking those boundaries.
These boundaries CANNOT CHANGE. The consequences for breaking those boundaries cannot be changed. CONSISTENCY COUNTS and IS A MUST!!

You need to keep everything SHORT AND SWEET - He's 3. He's not up for a dissertation. He needs to be kept to less than 6 words.

When you find a new pediatrician. Ask for a referral to a neurologist. Have your son checked for any brain abnormalities.
Then have your son evaluated by a psychiatrist.

I realize you don't want to "label" your son and hear things like oppositional defiance disorder or on the spectrum. My girlfriend's son sounds just like yours - kicking screaming biting hitting (he kicked me in the stomach when I was 20 weeks pregnant) he is now 17. He was on (I think he still is on some) tough drugs to help him. He was manic most of the time. This started when he was 2. Stopped napping and became a terror - literally.

Your son needs help. He needs it NOW.