My almost five year old son is a very smart little boy, but he's also very defiant and was recently diagnosed with ADHD. He just started a Young Fives program at a local Charter school and yesterday, when I picked him up from school, his teacher told me that when she tried to get him to clean up what he was playing with so they could go to recess, he refused. When she tried to take him to the time out spot, he hit at her. Well, today, I got a call from her saying she was trying to get the class to go down to their art class and he wanted to stay by himself in the class room and when she tried to make him go with the rest of the class, he hit at her AGAIN AND ran away from her up and down the hallway!
I love him dearly, but I don't know what I'll do if he gets kicked out of this school. I really don't know how to handle or even if I can handle him. If a teacher with ten years experience dealing with young kids (she used to teach first grade) can't handle him and is afraid of him, how am I supposed to handle him? My dad just turned 71 and keeps telling me to beat his a$$, but I don't know how that will help things other than to temporarily get his attention.
Thanks Mamas and Grandmas for all the comments! Elijah has been evaluated by a pediatric Psychologist; the Behavioral specialist had a waiting list that would place him in for an appointment towards the end of November. He has a follow-up appointment on Monday. To Julie L who suggested I unleash him on dad; my soon to be ex is about as helpful as cement shoes on a scuba diver. We're both taking classes at a local university and he was watching them tonight while I was in a class and he sat my son down on the couch, let my daughter go take a nap because she was acting cranky (5pm!) and while Elijah was sitting there on the couch, my ex was playing World of Warcraft. That's ALL he does with them; the kids play their games and he plays his.
The kids and I are staying with my parents until my ex starts paying child support to help me get an apartment since I am only able to work part time for a totally different reason, and my mom, dad and I came up with a solution.
He's on Medadate; about 30 mg a day and it's really helping him. He has bad days, and still has a hard time transitioning, but he's doing so well; his teacher is soo proud of his progress, as are the rest of us. He loves school and the Charter school is such a great place for him; there are only about 17 kids in the room (down from 22 due to people moving away) and there are two teachers in the room so he gets lots of one on one.
I'm no longer as frustrated by his condition and the misbehavior that stems from it; we've set up a routine and follow it to the best of our ability ... now if only I can get my daughter to use the toilet all the time.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine how frustrated you must feel. I don't have a child with ADHD but did locate a site w/ parenting tips for parents of children w/ ADHD. Good luck to you.
http://helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_parenting_strategies...
First of all, steer clear of your Dad's advice. I'd suggest reading up on books on parenting ADHD kids and those with "sprited personalities" - it really is a different and effective approach. Maybe there is a parents group in your area/church that will get you in touch w/ other parents dealing with similar situations. Above all - love that little guy.
It's a new situation. It may take some time to adjust. A lot has changed for him and he may need more help making sense of it all. He didn't want to be with the whole class, he wanted some time alone. He may be getting overstimulated with all the new people and activity. Having a new authority figure seems to be triggering him too. I don't think spanking will help. I think he needs to be able to verbalize what is making him so frustrated. A good tip is to give him a crayon and paper and let him color while you talk to him. It relaxes him and the is less confrontational. You might also learn something from the drawing. You could also talk to the counselor at the school. they usually have resources and may be able to help.
You need to address his ADHD... FIRST.... and get all the info you can on it and how to manage him... and get a Doctor for it.
There may even be ADHD support groups... for parents. I would certainly check that out. Look online... ask your Pediatrician...
http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/learning/adhd.html
http://www.adhd1.net/
http://www.adhd.com/index.html
rdiconnect.com is a great website of resources
EDITED TO ADD- I forgot to mention... Schedule and consistancy!!! My 7yr old daughter responds better to a schedule and consistancy better than anything else.
Talk to him. Sit down and talk to him. Eye to eye.
Ask him if he wants to be hit. When he says no, ask him why he hits then. Ask him if he thinks he's being nice. Ask him if there's something that he is thinking but not saying. Tell him why you're doing this. Tell him why it's wrong to hit. Ask him if he likes his school. If he says yes, tell him that there's a chance he could be kicked out for his behavior. If he says no, ask why he doesn't like it.
Your dad is not used to experiences with an ADHD child. If your son wasn't ADHD, old school ways MIGHT work, but not even close to being legal anyway.
He needs to figure out why he does what he does and so do you. The only way that's going to happen is to have a serious conversation with him.
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You don't want his attention. You want to find out how to meet his needs so that he can behave himself. He would if he could, so the goal is to find a way to help him. Typical dicipline is not going to be effective with him, you both need theraputic intervention to get you on the right path.
If you have not had a full evaluation from a Developmental Pediatrician yet, get an appointment. You will find them at your nearest childrens hospital. They will give you a full picture of your child's processing functions and what his needs are. It may take some time to get in, but it will be worth it. You will also have a full treatment plan from the Developmental Pediatricain, but for right now, you can put him into some therapy based on his symptoms that will help him.
You should be seeing a psychiatrist for medical treatment, and to case manage for you. See if you can find a board certified child psychiatrist. You should find a play therapist and a cognative behavioral therapist and ask them about social skills classes as he makes progress. If he has any language issues, seek out a speech therapy evaluation and get therapy. If he has sensory issues, see an occupational therapist. If he has fine motor issues, ask your occupational therapist to refer you to a developmental optomitrist who will check his eye muscles and his occular motor and visual motor skills. Seek treatment if he needs it.
Next, and entirely seperately from the private evaluations and therapy, write a letter to your school district and request a full evaluation of your son because you suspect that he has a disablity. Tell them in your letter that you expect to have a response from then within ten school days of the receipt of the letter. Always write to the school district, if it does not happen in writing, it never happened, so don't call. They will have 30 school days from the date that you sign a consent form agreeing to evaluate him. I suspect that if he is having the kinds of issues you describe, he may qualify for preschool services through your school district. This is a long process, so get started now. Read about advocacy at www.wrightslaw.com. Read about identification and what a full evaluation should consist of (called an MFE) You will want to be sure that what you consent to is a full evaluation and not a "screen" or a partial evaluation.
You should know that every teacher, even one with experience, is not cut out to deal with issues like your son has, espcially if he is not receiving therapy and is not getting school based interventions based on his pschological, intelectual, and procesing skill he data.
He does not want to be bad. He has a medical condition. He cannot count on his brain to fuction the way you do, or I do. Brain cells do not touch. There are very tiny spaces between them, called a synapes. Our thoughts are carried through the brain as electrical impulses, and when they reach the space, our body makes chemicals, called nuerotransmitters, that carry the electrical impulse to the next cell. If your son does not make enough neurotransmitter, or if his neurotransmitter receptors are damaged or malfunction, he has ADHD and cannot count on his throught process skills like you can. Every one has this issue to some degree ocasionally, like when you are standing in the kitchen and cannot remember what you went in there to get. Imagine that happening over, and over agian for the simplest of tasks, like knowing that he should pick up and go with the class, but he does not want to, and he can't process the information in his memory that will reason with him to stop the impulse to stay and do what he wants. Or, he knows (somewhere in his brain) that he should not hit, but he has an impulse, and he cannot retreive that infomation quickly enough to stop the impulse or it gets stuck along the way. Think how confusing life is for him, he cannot count on his brain to help him, and he does not know how to make the neurotransmitters to work any better. This is why medications help ADHD, and they do not make them zombies, or guinea pigs, or change thier personalities. You will need to be discussing medical treatment with a child psychiatrist and because of his age, he may not have all the treatment options available to him, but he can be helped. Medication is a tool, and should be used to help him make more progress in therapy.
I hope that you find some help, there is plenty out there to be had, so get moving, and give yourself a break too. Being a primary care giver is the hardest job you will ever do, so if you think you need help, get it. Always take care of yourself, most of us will need to seek some psychological care at some point in the journey, and there is no shame in it. You will be more effective if you take care of you.
M.
I am a strict parent. I don't "beat" my son however he is very much like your son, DEFIANT!!! I have spanked him a few times so that he knows that I mean business. My son is 3 and I have started talking to him daily about respecting others. I can imagine how you feel as some of the things that my son does seriously blow my mind. I have a friend with a 6 yr old that is also extremely defiant. She starts by taking away his things - TV time, video games, favorite outings, play dates, etc. She also has a rewards system. For every week that he does as he is told, he gets a reward. I would talk to his teacher & principal about what their suggestions are. Talk to them about how you feel about it and ask for their help. I have found that if my son's daycare provider and I take the same approach to things, then there is a constant in my sons life and he understands that what we say is serious and there are consequences for his bad behavior.
I send you lots of happy thoughts and hugs. I know how hard it can be to have a kid that makes you want to pull your hair out!
Just because she's an experienced teacher doesn't mean she has ANY experience with the wonderful (and frustrating!) gift that is ADHD.
As far as spanking, while it works for many children, it rather universally not only FAILS on adhd kids, but makes the problem sooooooo much worse. I don't have the time right now to do my usual lengthy "adhd in a nutshell + a couple tips/tricks for your specific situ" spiel, but I'll come back and update why and a few other things to try in a little bit. In the meantime DO check out this site:
Also... because most adhd kids are gifted to profoundly gifted... also check out this site:
http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/parents.htm
http://www.stephanietolan.com/is_it_a_cheetah.htm (a great article concerning gifted kids and edu, which is on the hoagies site, but since that site is soooooo huge, I like to link it separately)
R.: adhd-c mum to an adhd-c kiddo
Spanking and yelling do not change behavior. If they did, no one would ever have a defiant child. There are people who will vehemently disagree with me on this topic, but this is what I wholeheartedly believe, have researched, and stand behind.
First set up a meeting with the teacher and principal and figure out what they suggest. You need to know what kind of discipline structure they use so that you can use it at home.
Secondly, look up Love and Logic by Jim Faye and Foster Cline. One word: amazing. It will work. It is designed to work with children exactly like yours. You have to be mad consistent adn keep your temper at all times but it will work. Use it.
Your dad kind of has the right idea, and I mean kind a, the teacher has discipline rules she has to follow, It's not that she can;t handle him, it's she can;r handle him with the limitations she is on where discipline is concerned. And care givers, teachers, for children we are only allowed time out's, that will not work with the discipline problems that your son has, and what gets me is that children who don't or won't listen or obey, they label them ADHD, or if they are younger, oh it's terrible two's instead of nipping the behavior problems in the bud, it's easier to just label them. In my daycare I have had 2 children Autisum one more serverly that the other parents just beside themselves not know what to do, well I treated them the same way i treated the other children, and slowly but surley they became more like the other children, they still had Autisum, but now they had Autisum with discipline and structure, I shared with the parents what I was doing, they started doing it at home, and things actually got a little easier. Don't beat your son, but pick your battles and use firm discipline. If his dad is in the picture turn the reings over to him. J.
I read so many, many posts where moms have these ADHD children. What the heck is going on? Is it the water or what? Why are so many children being diagnosed with this and autism?
I read an article not to long ago about our current health issues and it made some sense to me. It said that we were made to drink healthy water, water straight from the rushing stream, water filtered by nature as it has all of the minerals in it that we need. We all drink water that has been compromised through processing plants.... I'm just wondering if there is any truth to this, it really seems to make sense to me. We are all lacking of the real nutrition that pure water has for us and our immune systems are being more and more compromised by unhealthy water. Whenever my husband and I are out hiking and we know we are high enough not to worry about pollutants in the water we drink it straight from the stream... I love it.
Sorry, I dont have an answer for you but I do see the world is being populated by lots of ADHD kids for some reason, I wonder what will happen in the next 20 years as they all grow up?
You have received a lot of good information here, I just wanted to say that I have a now 8 year old son, who was diagnosed with ODD in kindergarten, who stated out just like your boy. Hitting the teacher, principal, shoving chairs, and tables, etc. We went thru evaluations, appoinments, and so on for about 6 months, and as someone else already stated learned he is just not wired like us, and he needed the medication to help him, like a diabetic needs insulin. He was put on 50 mgs of vyvnace, and within days we notcied a differance. He did and still does try to test the waters and see what he can get away with, but has make remarkable strides. I was so worried this medication woiuld change his sweet loving personalitly, it didn't he is still that same sweet boy. Also, teachers need to know up front his diagnosis, and I ask if they have any experience with a child as such, his teacher last year had taught for 20 plus years and did not know how to deal with our son. It was a very rough year needless to say. A teacher can make all the differance. And I agree that consistancy is the key, we also learned that we get better results if we ASK him to do something and give him 2 choices instead of TELLING him to do something, the tone is the key. If you ever want to talk, email etc let me know I would be glad to help in any way I can, as we mom's and dad's need support. :-)
If he misbehaves in class, give him a punishment when he gets home or take away priveleges. Just warn him saying that he'll get two swats and a time out or no TV or video games etc. if he misbehaves at school. Be specific about what "misbehaves" means. Be serious but encouraging. He can do this! Talk to him about what is expected at school. Give him a reward if he behaves for the teacher.
From website About.com, this might be helpful...
The five-year old lives in the here and now, and doesn't comprehend the idea of long-term consequences. He has difficulty seeing a point of view that is different from his own and this can make him seem stubborn and argumentative. But, he is generally cooperative and helpful, wanting to please his parents and be good. He may come home from kindergarten talking about a child who is bad. This is a good time to help him recognize what happens when someone behaves badly and to praise him for his good behavior.
Five has a good imagination and that can manifest as lying. It's best to treat lying with a light touch this year. Let her know that you know she is 'pretending' or not telling the truth. If she lies to avoid punishment, talk to her about the importance of telling the truth and add a small consequence for not doing so.
Because of five's here and now mindset, consequences for misbehavior and non-compliance should be immediate and brief. Don't expect that he'll learn his lesson the first, or even the tenth, time he receives a consequence. He hasn't yet learned self-control; and so, discipline this year involves baby steps, not giant leaps. Don't give up and don't get frustrated; just keep on giving consequences for misbehavior consistently with the attitude that he has the desire to be good, but is still learning
Daily structure and routines are important throughout childhood; but this is a transition year, so structure is crucial to your child's security and well-being. As much as possible, her life should revolve around familiar people, places, and routines.
When behavior problems occur, make sure that your child is getting plenty of rest and regular meals; cut back on outside activities to focus on familiar daily routines; catch him being good and praise him; and give immediate instruction or consequences for misbehavior.
Hope that helps.
