My dd has a friend who is supposedly having a party either tomorrow or the next day, but we have not got any actual details (i.e. place, time)
The friend has talked about it a couple of times, and my dd wants to go, but we have no concrete information. It sounds like it's at a pool, but I don't even know that for sure!
I know the mother, but I don't want to sound like I'm inviting my kid if she isn't really invited. I would guess that we'd have details by now if she were invited.
My dd has a few other friends who have heard about this party too, but I don't know if they actually got invitations - and it's possible that this is an informal thing without invitations and just thrown together at the last minute.
Should I ask the mother or would this obligate them to invite my dd?
It is totally possible that this 13yo girl was just talking and didn't really have her mother's blessing! But kids this age usually make their own plans and arrange their own ride.
Well, I decided to text the mom because my dd needed to know for her own plans and sports practice. I just told her that her dd told mine there was a "get together" either tomorrow or the next day, but I didn't know if it was something the kids came up with on their own without a parent's blessing.
The mom confirmed that they were thinking about a swim party at their swim club and tossing around dates and she would get back to me. But it is not tomorrow! Then the girl texted my dd that it would be sometime this week....uh, we'll see about that.
I suppose I ran the risk of looking like I was forcing them to invite my kid, but their kid did mention it a couple of times and we can only go off of what we're told.
I have to say, I usually plan 1- 2 weeks ahead, but maybe I'm the odd one! It goes to show you that unless you have dates, times, etc you shouldn't plan your schedule around it. 13year olds are not party planners!
She should call her friend and find out. She can say she is confused bc it sounded like she was being invited to something and then see what her friend says. You should stay out of it.
There are no details, so either there's no party (the kid made a lot of noise without permission from the parents) or there was a limit on the number of invitations and your daughter isn't included (maybe it's not rudeness, but just that the parents said, "You're not have 35 people to a pool date. You can have 3." So the kid just stopped talking about it.
At this age, I don't think you make the call to the parent. You tell your daughter that there is no party (not this week, not next year, not when she's 16-17) unless you know where it is and who's supervising it. That applies to pool/beach parties where there is a water safety issue, but it also applies to parties where alcohol or way too many kids start creeping into the original plans. Sometimes, when kids find out about a party, the word spreads, and all kinds of uninvited people show up. And 99% of kids are unable to handle a situation like that.
Your daughter can call the friend, but that may be a bit pushy. She could also try to set up something with some other friends either tomorrow or the next day, and see if any of them decline or say, "But did you forget that's the day of Suzanne's party?" Then your daughter can (and should) say that she assumed there were no firm plans since no details have been received. This can be a lesson to your daughter of how it feels to be invited/uninvited or to be confused about plans, and hopefully she will be sure not to do that to other kids in the future.
If it seems to be a real party with real details and a start time, I would give the parents a call and say you wanted to find out if they need any help with it, either with food or carpools or supervision (if you have lifeguard training). Just be chatty and say, "I know how hard these things can be if there's a large crowd, and I wanted to offer to help if you need it."
I think you need details or it's a no go.
I certainly would not want it to be some sort of unsupervised party with no parents home.
If she has an invite - your daughter needs to show it to you.
If it's all just by word of mouth - then I'd be the one dropping her off and I'd stay long enough to say "Hi!" to what ever parent is supervising it and be clear about when to pick her up again.
If no parent can be found - you take your daughter right home again immediately.
Definelty don't ask the mom. Your daughter will figure it out or not and she will absolutely tell you if she needs a ride.
My son who is 15 won a voucher to a restaurant and he got to treat his buds. He handled it all. I think until the day before, nothing was nailed down. He got the info to his buds in time and we picked them all up and took them, and drove them back. We stayed out of it entirely because our son didn't want us involved. That's slightly older than your daughter - but there were a couple of years where our kids were starting to make their own plans for get togethers, and sometimes they did not communicate information correctly - or the kids didn't communicate it to their parents correctly ... so we have run into this before.
I would guess that's what has happened - right age for miscommunication to happen. Also, as others mention - some kids tell their friends what they'd like to have happen, without checking with their parents. My son's best bud does this. So my son comes and asks permission, but 90% of the time, it never materializes. We just know this.
I myself would not get involved. Just on the off chance that it's super casual and it's not a party at all, and it's just the mom saying "Yes, I'll take some friends to the pool sometime" and then it's a bit awkward. What we tell our kids who hear stuff and we're not sure it's going to happen is - leave it for now. If it comes up, ask for specifics.
If your daughter is friends with this girl then why aren't you friendly with the mom? She's old enough to do things with her friends without you but she still needs someone to make sure she's not getting in a mess.
There's no way I wouldn't have been on the phone with my "friend" and asked about the party. If the girl is telling people they're invited but mom isn't doing anything then mom might not even know who all is invited or she doesn't really care.
I'd just wait. If your daughter gets the call, then call the mom. I would not let her go without you knowing exactly what's what from the mom.
You should always do this. Establish the practice NOW so she's used to it when she gets older. You don't want her demanding that you don't check up on her.
I'd say nothing. Could be the friend talking about a plan without even asking her parents first. Could be a party your daughter was not actually invited to. Chances are, your daughter won't even bring this up to you again, because it isn't a real opportunity. And if she does ask you last minute and IF you happen to be available to drive her, I would definitely be popping in to say hi to the mom or parent in charge, verify supervision, and ask about pick up time. Your daughter will likely protest this embarrassing intrusion, but I'd say too bad. If she wants to go, she gets to endure one minute of mom coming in order to stay at the party.
As Diane says below, one way to confirm social details is to contact the other parent from the angle of "offering to help".
Also, until she is older, it is fine to tell your daughter that a social gathering will not occur unless you have received all details.
At this point - now you know what's going on, since you texted the parent. As for planning 1-2 weeks in advance, that works well for a "real" get-together where you are hoping that people will attend! This mother may be thinking of a last-minute invitation and will be fine if most of the girls invited say no! (Or, she might give you 1-2 weeks notice when they actually get around to setting a date.) But, regardless of what the other girl texts to your daughter, it does not sound like the get-together is happening "this week" if the mother says she is "tossing around dates" - assuming that your daughter is invited, I certainly think the mother would have told you if she was trying to organize the gathering for later this week!
Also, if things like this are going to become a bee in your bonnet because you have a busy/stressful summer schedule (I understand life can be that way sometimes!), I think it is fine for you to tell your daughter that you want her to have "all details for any new plans at least one week in advance" or something similar. It would obviously be rude to say to the other mother "I'm going to need the swim party invitation at least one week before the planned date", but I think it is totally okay to explain to your daughter that because of [whatever the situation is - camp sessions that you get charged for if she misses with less than 72 hours notice, etc], the next few weeks of her life will not allow for many last-minute swim party type dates. (And then your daughter won't be surprised if you have to ultimately tell her she can't go due to having received too little advanced notice.)
I would tell your daughter that until you get actual details that can be verified by an adult, in your mind, there is no event and therefore, nothing for her to go to. She needs to take responsibility for getting this info to you.
