Intimacy - Scurry,TX

Hormones, hormones, hormones.

A word to the wise though - sometimes, every once in a while, you have to fake it till you feel it... at least, I did.

S.

I truly feel for you bc i am in the same situation and nothing has changed and my daughter is now two!

Go to the doctor...sounds like you could have a bit of the baby blues. It is hard to get get abck in the groove.

My daughter is 14 now and when I was pregnant with her I was worried about this myself.

We made a deal while I was pregnant that we would always have date night once a week.

We have done that ever since except for a time period in 1995 shortly after daughter's birth when my hubby was almost killed in a car accident and he was recouping. We resumed date night as soon as possible.

It really helps keep you connected....you don't have to go spend a lot of money on date nights/or days. You can just spend time with each other and it will help. We love to go out to nice restaurants and dance. I also tag along with him when he golfs sometimes. Anything that gets you two some one on one time.

It is far worth it to do this.

Hang in there....

Others might steer you in the direction of romantic dinner, candles, lingerie, etc. If this wasn't your thing in the past, it will just make you feel awkward and self conscious. I know this is the case for me. I've had 3 children and after each birth, I found it hard to become intimate. I realize this is too much information, but with child #2 & #3, I got pregnant almost the first time of resuming marital relations. After the 3rd child, I'd had a tubal, so I didn't have that worry of getting pregnant again. You have retrain yourself to be a wife, not just mommy. I suggest you do it in baby steps.

Make an effort to make eye contact with your husband. So often, as moms of busy toddlers, we tend to talk to our spouses while our attention is focused elsewhere - feeding the baby, cooking, folding laundry and the millions of other things. Try to make an effort to make eye contact - more than a few fleeting seconds - each day.

After a few days of making eye contact, make an effort to touch him while you are making eye contact. Maybe touch his arm or hand while you are talking. If you are out at the mall or walking together, take his hand. After a day or two of this, hug him, just hold him. Briefly at first and work up to a little more time. Get used to feeling of touch again.

Have you seen the movie waitress? There is a scene where the main character is feeling sad and lonely. The boyfriend holds her, for a long while, with no expectations if more. Try to get in at least one long embrace.

After you feel comfortable - don't rush this it's not a race - try spending some time kissing. Maybe when you greet him at the door when he comes home from work, kiss him longer than just a quick peck. I recommend doing this outside the bedroom as usually men, especially if you've been married or together a while, associate kisses in the bedroom with a certain outcome. If you are sitting watching TV, give him a kiss. When he heads off to work, kiss him.

You've worked up to this point increasing intimacy - not sex. Also, he will have a sense of anticipation as well as you.

Increase your kissing time. Remember making out with him while you were dating? Try to re-capture that feeling. By this time, I think the fires are stoked enough to move it to the bedroom. Talk to your husband. Tell him you want to take things VERY slowly. If you feel comfortable, take charge of the process. YOU do the kissing, touching. Re-discover how it feels to GIVE pleasure and how much power there is in that. Once I read in a romance novel the line, "I take my pleasure in the giving." I love that.
Trust me, once you get started, you'll feel like continuing.

I sincerely hope that this advice is helpful.

K.
SAHM to 3, ages 7, 5 & 3

Counseling & biodentical hormones is what I did... looking back, if I'd gotten on the hormones first, I doubt we would have needed the counseling. Child birth messed with a lot of my hormones.. and I didn't know that I had next to nil testostorone - once that was sorted & some other hormones, about 6 weeks later.. everything came back. It was like a switch returned me to who I was before! If you are interested in seeing a doctor who is gifted in this area send me a message...

This is very normal. You have a lot on your plate and are most likely under a lot of stress after having a baby and working full time....intamacy seems to fall way down on this list when this is the case. I'm not a sex therapist or anything...I've just experienced it. The best thing to do is not let it go for too long or it can become a real problem. Try to spend some alone time with your husband...take a weekend and stay in a hotel together ... go on a date and get to know each other without the stresses of everyday life...if you have grandparents here, let them watch the baby for a couple of nights..or at least 1. Hope this works...good luck.

I think seeing a nurse practicioner or Dr. would be a very good idea. Do you think you are afraid of becoming pregnant again,and not realizing it, even though you are enjoying your son? Also if you are working full time and keeping up with a 16 month old you may be tired or stressed, and this could effect you. Try doing all the things that may get you in the (mood) . Long bubble,bath soft music, fancy nighties, (no inturruptiion from baby, would help, if you pick a time of night he sleeps a good stretch) And tell your husband you are sorry but there is something a little off kelter since the baby is born, and you need extra foreplay. If you don't learn to communicate with him and tell him YOU are having problems, he will think you don't love him or don't find him desirable anymore, and this really hurts them. Even though you aren't finding him desirable right now, it isn't him, so he needs to know not to feel bad about himself. I hope you do see a Dr. soon, and see if there is a medical reason causing this. Good luck

Hi T.~

Your not alone I promise. My son is a year in 2 weeks and I went through the same situation you are in. At first I had no desire to have sex or be touched. I had lost my baby weight but just had no urge to do anything. Things that felt good before didn't anymore. My husband and I talked and he was so understanding , but honestly I had to start making myself be affectionate to him. I had to start hugging him and giving him a kiss here and there until I got back to myself. Now I am back to the way I was. Don't get me wrong there are days where I am EXHAUSTED from working and taking care of a house and have no desire but it is def different than before. Hang in there. You can always speak to your doctor about it and see if he can reccommend anything. Maybe an herb or even just some simple suggestions to help you out! It gets better!!! Take care

I think it's pretty normal thing to have happen, especially soon after your baby is born. Your body has just been through so much. But now your kid is 16 months old, right? And you work full time? I'm betting it's more stress related than hormonal at this point. But it could be both. My advice for a first step is have a date. Plan it in advance, get a babysitter or send your son to grandparents. Know what is going to happen ahead of time...dinner, a little wine, a sexy dress...you get the picture. Know that you are GOING to have sex with your husband. Even if you don't really want to. This way you can gear up for it. I really believe that sex is one of those things, for women anyway, that the more often you do it the more often you WANT to do it. The less often you do it, the less you want it. Does that make sense? My husband and I took a class awhile back about sex (at our church, actually). The lady who taught it said that in order for you and your spouses hormones to line up to each other you have to have sex AT LEAST once a week, preferrably more.

So, in other words, just do it. And don't beat yourself up if it's not fantastic right at first. Just set a goal in your mind, don't even tell him, that you are going to do it. Hope that helps.

If not, if you do it frequently and you are still dreading it every time, get your hormones checked. You OB can do this no problem.

You aren't alone. I've been through periods like this in my marriage, too.

Hi T.,

What you are feeling is very normal. I went through it as well. Working fulltime with children is a hugh stress. I would love to stay at home but finanically, that is not a good choice at this time. Raising a child while working fulltime is hard but would be much harder without that special person who helped bring that wonderful child into the world. We have to make time for our husbands and their very real needs. I realize that intamacy probably feels like just one more thing on you long list of things to do, but it is very important. I totally agree with Christie's post below. You have to make time for just the two of you. If family is not near, find another family you can trade off childcare favors with or pay for a babysitter. Also, just make yourself be available to him. It may take some mental preptime on your part right now, but it will be very worth it in the long run.

Good luck.

It is very important that you open this dialogue with your husband. Embody the respect you have for each other and enrich your relationship by discussing this matter. If you can't talk about something as important as intimacy between you, then the door will remain closed between you for future relationship building. Remember, he is the man that you married and had that 'most handsome 16 month old son ever' with! Trust your son's father! More importantly, put your trust in your Heavenly Father for the words that need to be spoken with your husband. I write with endearing best of hope for you!

Ms.T.:

Don't be embarasses. Many women have trouble with intimacy after childbirth. Have you considered spicing up your love with marital aids and toys. I host Pure Romance parties and they are fun, classy parties that help women got in touch with themselves and their mate in more than a few ways. If you're interested, please contact me.

Love and blessings,
N.

Hi T.,

My son is now 16mths. old and I had this same problem. No interest at all in intimacy. I got on Wellbutrin for slight post partum and within the first week or two I noticed my sex drive coming back. I think my drive now is actually better than before baby. Getting on meds may be the last thing you want to consider, but possibly talk with your doctor and discuss the pros and cons of getting on something that would bring this back for you. Maybe there's a pill that is not for depression that is just for women's sex drive? Good luck!

Hi T.,
Check your hormone levels by demanding a blood test. Its probably due to a non-existent testosterone level either from nursing or your birth control method. If you can find the right doc, get some testosterone cream (prescription). You can't expect to run a car without any oil!

T., I don't really have an answer for you but your honesty has touched me. I am proud of you for expressing your feelings and realizing there is a problem. That is the first step. I do have a friend who is experiencing similar feelings and just won't deal with it. It is causing major problems in her marriage. There are herbal remedies you can do but she says she doesn't have time. Intimacy is needed in a healthy relationship/marriage. And on such a small note, exercise helps with so much besides body. It helps our mind and confidence. It helps us feel sexier and comfortable with our body. Good Luck with all and I pray you continue to deal with and seek an answer for your issue. You are a good wife and mother :)

I believe this to be quite normal for most women. I experienced this after the birth of my daughter 25 yrs ago. It took some time to get those feelings of intimacy back. But they did come back in full bloom. And then 19 yrs later, we had a son who is now 6. I find it difficult again and it hasn't gone away yet. So, I just remember what the scriptures tell me about my duties as a wife. Yes, we do have duties to our husbands to keep them satisfied, as do they to us. So, sometimes, whether wanting to be intimate or not, I do for him. And I feel much closer to him afterwards. I hope this helps you in some way. Good luck, and just pray about it. =)
God bless.

yep, been their. Yes probably hormonal and general tiredness, but as you already know having sex helps your body release hormones it needs. It's the same advice I tell people about reading their Bible you don't always want to, or have time, or feel like it but do it until you do. Then you will grave it like ice water on a hot day in Texas. And a little dance music and some highheels always makes you feel more desirable. Sex can be about making you feel good not just about meeting one more persons needs or demands. You get enough of that between work and baby. But some romance back into it. We still like to be seduce and found to be the object of our mans desires. I have been married to the same wounderful man for over 21yrs. and we still got it goin on not to say we didn't have some dry spells. Good Luck

Hi Tori!
You got so many great advices. Check your hormones. If you are taking some medication find out side effects.
I have great results with herbs. I use "Damiana" herb capsules to rise my sexual energy. It takes about a week to see and feel results.
I don't like to use hormones like "Premarin" or "Prempro". They are made from urine of pregnant horses and I believe they are only good for horses NOT for peoples.
Good luck-W.

Hey T.....I am sure you are sick of reading posts. :-) I would say that you might look into getting on some type of antidepressant. Sounds very normal and very hormone related, maybe a little bit of Post Pardum. Which is sooo common after a baby when all your levels are out of whack..Good Luck to you. Congrats on your new addition, enjoy every second, 16 months is soo much fun. God bless you and Jesus Keep you.

H.

I was going to agree with hormones but then I noticed you're son is already 16 mos. I would def see a doctor about helping you with this as one of the moms suggested. I also agree with date night,and maybe a glass of wine. I don't know about you, but a glass of wine always makes me feel flirty and in the mood. And yes, there are times you may have to fake it, b/c you wouldn't want to neglect your husband for too long. He needs attention too.

Hi Tori, I can TOTALLY relate to what you are going through! I too am going through this and my babies are 2yrs old! I have a 3 yr old and 2 yr old twins! So having 3 babies within 17 mos killed any desire for intimacy I ever had. I too work full time and so does my husband and I do almost everything by myself when it comes to the boys. Get them up in the morning, get them and myself ready, take them to daycare, come to work, pick them up, go home, feed them dinner, give them baths, and get them all to bed. I'm lucky if I get to shower daily. Then my husband is upset when I am not in the mood for sex when he gets home at midnight! Give me a break! I think first and foremost, honesty is the best policy if you want your marriage to work. Your husband needs to know how you are feeling, and it is important that he know that you want to feel the desire for intimacy, but you are just exhausted, overwhelmed, or whatever the case may be. Another possibility is hormones. I recently watched an Oprah show talking about hormones and I'm only 34 but I sure could relate with alot of the symptoms that some of the women in their 40's and 50's were describing, and one of the hormones they discussed was significantly involved in causing low sex drive. They tested a few women and their hormone levels were outrageously out of whack! Which was the MAIN reason they were feeling the way they were. I have been really tempted to call my OBGYN and ask to have my hormone levels tested. My email address is ____@____.com free to email directly to continue our chat! I'm a great pen pal and don't mind at all whenever you need to vent or need advice. Because chances are I've been through it or am going through it. Hang in there! J. :)

Hey Tori,

I have been there too. Except I miscarried. I too didn't want to have sex. It also put a huge strain on the marriage... so much so that my husband turned to another woman. Please don't neglect your husband's needs or he might do the same.

Find the cause of the lack of libido. I had post partum and got on a mild anti depressant. It made me feel better almost instantly!!!

With another pregnancy I had 10 stitches down there. I had my husband rub on vitamin E gel to help the scarring. And it created a sweet intimacy (and foreplay). He felt good that he was helping me and since he stilled loved despite the major scarring made me want to have sex.

A great way to create intimacy is to reward your husband and it helps you. For example, if my husband swept the floor or did the dishes. I would whisper sweet nothings in his ear. Then that night reward him sexually. I then told my husband that it is a huge turn on when he cares enough to help me out. He soon put two and two together and started helping out more which made me less tired and more ready.

Remember guys need way more sex than we do.

L.

Talk to your gynecologist. It sounds like your hormones are out of balance. If he/she finds nothing wrong, then you're just tired. Ask the doctor to recommend some good vitamins and supplements.

D. Kimbriel
Grandma to 2 beautiful boys

Ideas:
Explore any issues you have with his involvement as a dad
Check hormones
Are you breastfeeding? This reduces drive sometimes...
Marriage counseling

You are definately not alone. My husband and I have been having this problem as well. I wish I could offer some advice but I am in the same boat as you. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this.

write down things you like/dislike about your husband. then inquire of going to a marriage therapist. good luck.

T.,
Bless you, and your husband, these times are difficult.
1. See a counselor, or your pastor
2. Chances are your problem is hormonal -- hormones do crazy things to us.
3. Did you have a difficult pregnancy/delivery -- maybe intimancy makes you afraid you'll get pg again??
4. Do you feel more like "mother" than "wife"? Motherhood is a new and overwhelming role to accept.

The choice is yours -- something is wrong, it can be fixed, with work from you, your husband and a counselor. The choice is yours -- do you want to address your problems, or do you just want to ignore them and have your household be miserable??

Best wishes for happiness.
A.
Mother of 2, grandmother of 2

You need to meet your husband's needs and do it cheerfully. Even if you have to start preparing yourself 8 hours in advance, your marriage is worth it. Tell him what would mean a lot to you to help you want to 'love' him- a gift, a massage, some housecleaning help, some compliments out of the blue. TELL your husband what would make you want him more. But ultimately, it's up to you. Family Life Today with Dennis Rainey has some good marriage stuff on their website. I HIGHLY recommend you read "Created to Be His Help Meet." Your marriage will certainly flourish if you practice what they teach in that book! Yes, it may be 'normal' as in this happens to a lot of women, but it's certainly not healthy and not how God intended marriage to be. You sound like a good wife and I know you'll overcome this. Hang in there and put him first!

I think it's fairly normal, I know I went through this after the birth of my 1st child. However, it's not something you should just say "oh well, it's normal, so deal with it" because intimacy is part of marriage. I would suggest you read the book Intimate Issues. It is a very well written book, based on biblical principles and it explains ways to "get in the mood" as well as why it's important to try to be in the mood for your marriage's sake.

Are you nursing? If so, or if you did, then I think this is an extremely common problem. Even if you are not nursing now, having a young child is incredibly exhausting mentally and physically and often you get just burned out on the physical aspects of caring for them...they are always reaching for you, grabbing on to you, touching you, etc., and it is easy to get completely fed up with having someone in your mental and physical space literally all the time.

I think you should tell your husband what you are experiencing, reassure him that you love him and that it will pass, and try to carve out some time just for yourself, alone, at least a few hours a week. That will help you replenish your tank so you have more to give hopefully to your husband. But be patient with yourself and remember that this too shall pass! Good luck. L.

Be sure to talk to your husband and tell him what is going on. Don't leave him out in the cold, he will feel rejected and its not him. Now as Moms we take on a lot and we just get tired. Ask him to help out a little more and ask him more than once. Take a hot bath and relax. Just remember that he loves you no matter what. Make a date night? Please tell him what is going on first. We just attended the laugh your way to a better marriage seminar,by Mark Gungor, it was awesome! Highly recomend it to everyone.