Insensitive Husband - Mankato,MN

Counseling, asap. Boundaries in Marriage book is fantastic, get it today and read it and then have him read it.

Asking for help may just cause an argument. Just set things up for him to do and walk away.

So if you are cooking dinner and he says he needs his downtime, well so do you...ready or not, his dinner is ready and walk away. He will learn that he has to help or he gets things half xxx.

Sometimes men just do not get it!! So we have to make them get it. I think men interpret our sharing our feelings as nagging and like children can tune us out. Therefore, making us feel like they don't care. I have learned in my 50 years that the only person who can take care of me is me. So become selfish, do what you need to do to help you to relax. Get a housekeeper and if he has a problem spending the money then toooo baaaddd!!!!!! Also, not sure where you live but see if your area has online food shopping that you can have delivered to your home for a minimal cost. This will free up your Saturday's and give you some DOWN TIME!!! You will be less stressed, and therefore you resentment for not getting help will be much less. I know it can be an extra cost but cut back somewhere else, and trust me it will make a huge difference. I know before I did all of this I felt like the family slave. My husband is a wonderful man but because I am a clean freak and he isn't (or wasn't raised that way) he thought I just did this stuff because I wanted to. LOL !!! It didn't bother him so I guess he just didn't get why it bothered me. Treat yourself and you will feel better. It is okay to be selfish, it seems your husband has no problem doing so. Happy mommy, happy family. Good luck

Love is fine and dandy, but it doesn't cure selfishness. You work full time, he works part time and he can't help out around the house? B...S...!
While he may not be good at reading emotions, you say when you talk to him he "scolds" you. It hard not to take on too much when you are the only one doing anything.
Hold his feet to the fire. Tell him, "this is what needs to be done, what part will you take?". Hold him to it. If he can't help you, then let him take care of himself.

I would suggest 2 books to you...well 3, but 2 of them are put together. The first is called "The 5 Love languages" by Gary Chapman. It was really good for both my husband and I to read. It helps you understand your primary love language and also your husband's/significant other's. It also suggests ways to love your spouse in the way they need so they can love you how you need. My husband and I found it pretty interesting and it has helped our marriage tremendously!

The second set of books are called "For Men Only" and "For Women Only". I would bet that your husband won't read his book for awhile (it took my husband quite awhile, but he finally read it and was amazed at the insight he found), but if you read "For Women Only" it will help you understand how men view and deal with life. Those books are what we get couples for their wedding present and so far everyone has said that they have completely blown their minds.

Both of these books are from the Christian perspective, but that doesn't mean you have to be a Christian to read them. Actually most of the people we've given the books to aren't Christians and have found them very helpful. The thing I've learned from reading these books is that as a wife, we need to focus on changing ourselves and not changing our husband because we never will be able to. Most likely what will happen is if he sees a change in you, he'll want to change as well. Good luck to you!

wow wow wow wow wow! are you sure you're not married to MY husband?? that is incredible. i literally could have written this (right up the part where he is in a "helping" profession).

honestly, i think part of it is just gender differences. but, just as honestly, all i have to say is THERAPY. if he won't go, go on your own. wow. i am still in awe of the similarities in our situations. on monday my husband agreed he would cut back this tree in our yard. it's now thursday. i can't act the least little bit unhappy, irritated, sad, anything negative, or immediately he gets all mad and defensive. and yet he talks to me and others like we're dirt at times. doesn't even occur to him. and when i got MY promotion at work a few months ago, i took MY family out to dinner to celebrate. meanwhile he works part time, plays with our three year old all day, (in NO WAY would i call him a "stay at home parent" - that would imply he takes care of meals, the house...no. he plays with a three year old all day. when he's not playing video games or hanging out with friends.) wow. i'm telling you. *virtual high five*

THERAPY. he needs to be aware there are other people in the universe, and that those people have feelings just as important as his. good luck. i am trying to find some therapy for us as well. hang in there!

I find for me, going to a therapist is so very helpful! We do speak different languages and it is so tough!! Even if he would not go, it can be helpful for you to have someone to help you through your feelings.. Marriage is so hard.. And, there really is not alone time for those with kids!! He should be helping you out more!

while there are certainly gender differences, not all guys are like this. many are not. therefore, in my opinion, his being "a man" is not an excuse for not participating in a family or relationship. but that being said, there's nothing you can do about him. you can both go to therapy, but the only way it can change is if you both make changes.

Ut oh how did you end up marrying my husband? In otherwords he's a man. Sadly, we can accept it (oh I do, I do) but we want them to change forever. Still trying here. Point is- We want them to be women or act like someone else's husband.. Not really of course, but everything you said are things I have wanted in my life and realize that the nurturing caring part comes from women usually and that the congratulations and celebrations always seem to come to the girl next door. Just not so. We do have to accept them and find ways to make ourselves happy. For instance you should celebrate the special things. He doesn't do it? Make a reservation, go yourself. Want him to respond to your emotions? Nag him like I do up to this moment, and will he do what my husband does? Don't know. He pretends to understand what I said about how I felt. Catches the last two words of a sentence and instead of hearing how my heart hurts he gets the car keys to get me a checkup for a heart attack. He is trying to be helpful. He is making me crazy. You see we are just programmed different and that will not really change no matter what. Once in awhile someone has some really amazing sensitive guy out there, but usually there is a complaint about that one. If you want balloons and cards, insist on it. But what happened that the last five years have been bad? Is that when he went part time? It will be hard to accept this as you put it if you find out if perhaps he doesn't feel well, had disappointments about the part time thing, etc. Until then really work on making you happy. Take the bubble bath, call a friend and look at other men (no-no- not that way) see them as they are. You might find you actually like you crankety, lazy husband who doesn't compliment you, because the grass is not always greener on the other side.

The reason he does this is because it works. When you talk about your feelings he calls you selfish because it makes you mad and shuts you up. When you get angry at him, he puts a guilt trip on you, when you ask for more help he uses his excuses because they work. There isn't a magic pill that will fix it all but maybe therapy would help where it is a controlled discussion and he won't be able to use his old tricks to control you. The other thing you could try but not replace the therapy, is don't give him the usual response. Sit down with him (or if he won't, without him) and divide up the chores fairly. Take time for yourself at least once a week where you leave the kids home with him. If he doesn't cooperate with the doing chores, leave his chores undone. If he doesn't like them not being done, remind him they are his to do but don't argue with him, walk away if he tries. When he does them don't critisize because then he will think he doesn't have to do them at all. He might be slopping through them just so you will redo them or complain giving him a way out. With the kids he may not realize how he sounds to them and to you so video tape it and show him... it may be enough to let him know their point of view. It may be an eye opener for all of you if you set up the video tape recorder in the corner and forget it is there and see just how you all look to the other members in your family.

There's a good book called the five languages of love (by gary chapman). Maybe he is trying to show you he loves you but in a way that you don't 'speak'. Another thought is counseling - both alone and as a couple. Can you accept it? Think of your kids, and how this is showing them what 'normal' is. Is that what you want?

Get him to go to couples therapy with you, it saved my marriage.

Go to counseling yourself (chances are he won't go). Forget about having a nice chat with him about your feelings, he doesn't care or you would feel differently about him. Love is a verb. It needs action, not excuses. Hire a housekeeper, babysitter, handyman or whatever else you need. Go out with your friends, schedule a weekend away from him and the kids for your own mental health. Take your meager free time to get a mani-pedi. Change your behavior and see if his behavior changes. If it gets worse or doesn't change, see above about love being a verb...

I believe that most men are this way. If we want to "express our emotion" we are to have girlfriends or a therapist. I can't say I agree with the thought process, but it seems pretty ageless- unless you are really one of the lucky ones. My husband has a great big heart, and when my god mother passed, I got absolutely no support from him- and this really bothered me- so I asked him- he said, when he asks I tell him there is nothing he can do, so he doesn't do anything and just lets me deal with it. Men want/need to be mothered in my opinion. My dad was that way- and he was a good man, like I said- I can't say that I agree with it, but it certainly seems to be the way things are- and have been, for ages. Look at his family and see how he was raised- or how his father was, it is usually a pretty good image of how your husband will be- they can only be who they are taught to be, unless, like I said- you are a lucky one who has a husband who has stepped outside of the box

Schedule a girls weekend or a retreat or a visit to a sick aunt or something. Don't do anything to get the house or the kids ready.
You walk out the door on Friday morning and you return on Sunday. You don't call -well, maybe to tell him you got there safely. You don't text. You don't communicate. You just go.
Turn your cell off while you are gone.
Leave him with the kids.
He'll figure it out. He's going to want a big high five when you walk in the door late Sunday night.
Say hello and do your own thing.
He'll get it.
That said - counseling should also be in order. If he won't go - you go yourself.
YMMV
LBC

It could be that when you are asking for help you are using the same tone as with your children hence your husband is feeling like you are scolding him like a child. I would have a sit down discussion and compromise about what he can help with and what he is willing to do to help. Some men, including my late husband, was not very good at showing emotion or giving that little extra but I knew that he loved me deeply. Once I accepted that he is how he was it made it a lot easier to raise the children. We had open communication and honesty and would set goals weekly so that all the chores were done, but not maybe to the exact time I would've wanted, so we both had to compromise. I am a get it done now person and he was ..I'll get to it when I want type person. So compromise worked great for us. I would also say that if you are totally unhappy and frustrated about your husbands action then a divorce or seperation might be in order. The stress of unhappy parents in a home can be very damaging to a child. Most of all don't think of yourself but your children before consider doing anything.

His behavior sounds abusive, and you may need to prepare yourself to walk away from your unhealthy relationship with him.

I'm sure like the rest of us you saw these red flags in your hubs before yu married him and chose to ignore them. This is life, we go in blindly because of the love and then reality slaps us in the face. If you know he loves you but this is his behavior then reverse it on him, without a tone in your voice so he can't change the argument because of how you speak to him. TELL him. These are some facts i am going to tell you: 1- We are married 2-we have children together 3- Your work PT I work FT 4- to balance our home life you will do a,b & c in the house and I will do d,e and f. This is how it is going to go. Don't argue with me because it will fall on deaf ears. I am aware you can not or will not be more aware of my needs and the needs of our kids so I am giving it to you black and white, there will be no grey areas. Then say you have the kids for the next 2 hours I am going out and leave. Just so he can soak up the info, go through his tantrum and you get a chance to step away before he tells you how selfish you are. You might come home to the silent treatment but, he will know where you stand and you need to hold firm.

Women speak different language to men. What we feel doesn't connect with how he thinks. So to get him to "feel" you have to address your problem for him to "think" about it, and put it as a project in his mind to "solve". So, for instance I wanted my husband to get a pic of how his words hurt my feelings, so I drew him a picture of a sword piercing a heart and told him when he ignores these feelings it is like him seeing me bleed and then walk away. He got that picture...so just things like that. Hope that helps.

I can only wonder what his complaints about you are. What would HE say you don't give enough of to him? Reading some of the responses, I should ask those ladies the same question. Yes there are some gender/role "issues" such as you working full time and he only part time. In general women are more loving and nurturing which is why we bare the children and in earlier times (but up and coming again thank goodness) women stayed home and took care of the children and the home. Now women think they can do it all by having a career, children and home without anything or anyone suffering. Sorry, it doesn't work. And when they see it doesn't work, they complain that their husbands don't do enough to help. My advice is to change the dynamics of your family and enjoy being a woman, wife and mother and the rest will fall into place. A good place to start would be to read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands," then "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage."

I don't think you are any different than any other women out there. I think we all have a habit of expecting our husband/boyfriend to be more supportive etc. But as one poster put it Men in general feel that they need to be taken care of. They think of us more as the "mom" role vs a partner I know my husband always says I'm not loving because I don't baby him. I don't have time work 40 hrs a week and commute 12 during the week and have a 2 and 4 year old.

I think you need support and I would say a friend or thearpy is the best start. I"ve even begun writing a journal for myself just to get the feelings out without having to discuss them because then it ends in an agrugment.

I wish you the best of luck and remember to take care of you.