Inlaw Dilemma

Updated on November 14, 2012
L.C. asks from San Lorenzo, CA
4 answers

I thought I'd ask other moms out there what they would do or what their thoughts were to my situation.

My husband and his mom have NEVER seen eye to eye. They've clashed before I came into the picture. A few years ago, my husband confronted his mom about how she really felt about my two children from a previous marriage. My husband thought he would talk to her about how my boys were feeling neglected by her. My husband and his mom got into a HUGE argument about it. Finally admited that she didn't really "accept" them because they weren't blood related. My husband was furious about it. My husband wanted to express his thoughts and how the two boys were feelling. They hung up on bad terms...again. The last time we saw them was for our son's 1st birthday together in 2011. That was the last time we saw them. My husband didn't keep in touch after that. A couple of months ago-September my husband's mom and step dad called him a week before our daughter's 4th birthday. Apparently, my husband's uncle was sneaking phone calls -having our 2 younger children(that we have together) speak with my husband's mom and stepdad. They called my husband and his mom was crying out to him, she said she didn't know that our son was talking...asking how she can fix things(which she's always said in the past-but never open minded to fix things). My husband told her-that she never listens to him and what the problem is. She refuses to see what the problem is. You have to have an open mind to get things resolved, which she doesn't. His mom and step dad were trying to be nice to him and talk to him, but my husband felt uneasy about the whole conversation. I was thinking MAYBE my husband and his mom/stepdad can meet him halfway w/the kids and hang out w/them for a couple of hours. WE didn't really talk about it too much because IT is a sensitive subject for my husband. He gets angry when we talk about his mom. Anyhow, our daughter's 4th birthday arrives. WE didn't plan on doing anything big, because we were hoping to save money for her birthday next year. We had numerous of events to go to on that day and wanted to end the evening somewhere for her to enjoy the rest of her day. My husband's step dad called him in the morning. His mom was out of state for the weekend. His step dad basically threatened my husband-telling him that he shouldn't call him dad, because he's not his dad, if he sees him on the street, he better run the other way or he'll beat his a**. Step dad also said, my husband is lucky that he doesn't come to our place to whoop his a**. They even told my husband's grandma that when they would like to speak w/me...supposedly my husband doesn't give me the phone. My husband told his grandma, how can that be? They NEVER ask for her. A few days later, my husband's grandma spoke w/her daughter(husband's mother) expressing that she didn't like what her husband is doing to my husband. My MIL pulled her mom aside and asked what she was talking about. My MIL agreed and said she would kick my husband's a** too if she sees him.

I was livid when my husband told me this. I told him, FORGET IT! To think that I was considering them meeting you half way w/the kids to hang out. Forget it! I don't want my children around that type of behavior. My husband used to get beatings from his step dad when he was younger. I told my husband--I used to think that I was afraid for our younger son because I thought..that your step dad might hurt him..and to hear all this nonsense...I feel like his validating it. My husband is a grown man who works hard for his family ..to be a good father and husband.

Anyhow, we are moving because our landlord's home is going into foreclosure. My husband's grandma had asked me last week to see if I can talk to my husband for her and my MIL..to see if my husband can mend things w/his mom. I told grandma, I understand your concern, but I also know that this topic between my husband and his mother is a sensitive one. I can only speak about it so much because I don't want to cause an argument between me and my husband. Grandma understood that. I also expressed that I didn't like the idea how FIL would belittle my husband and have that type of behavior. It's unacceptable. Grandma agreed. She said to forget about him, but just wants a relationship between her daughter and her nephew. I told grandma I can't promise anything. She even asked if she can give my number to my MIL to speak with me. I told her NO. My husband and I know that speaking to her..she would twist my words around.

This is a jist of my situation. What do you moms think?

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J.V.

answers from San Francisco on

I know you would go crazy thinking of the right thing to do.But the answer is DON'T...

SIMPLY--
Dont' get into the middle of things between husband and mom
Don't let yourself get carried away by the criss-cross of tactics the related family brings

If they bring it on as a direct attack to you or your child,then talk to that person directly and do not hold back at that time.End the matter then and there.

Its upto your husband and you to end the matter in whichever fashion you please.If he has taken a decision on what he thinks is best for the family,then respect it and go by it.Similarly if you have decided what to do in a situation that hurts you directly,tell your husband what you decide to do and stick to it.

These are situations in family life which might pass over after sometime but remember children are also affected by the decisions you make and hence choose wisely.

I understand this as I have had similar situations and the best way of dealing with it I realized was face the person ,clear the matter and move-on.Have patience with those who seem persistent.If those people understand that your husband and you are not going to entertain anymore of this drama,they will slowly but surely move away.

Ask God to give you the persevering spirit to know that in time ,things will change...either situations or people's behaviour.Pray for those who hurt you and know that these testing times will bring you to a better place in life.

Hope things work out!God bless.

1 mom found this helpful
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R.P.

answers from Sacramento on

First of all I think it is kind of funny that they don't accept your two kids from a previous relationship and yet this FIL is your husband's STEP-Dad??? Well your husband isn't his blood relative so his Mom should think about that when she talks about not accepting. Apparently the step-dad never accepted your husband because of this blood issue? Kids are kids and they should not be punished in this way. Your MIL and step-FIL sound immature (actually stupid) for being their age. Kick your husband's a*** really is that something a parent says and means it????

You are better off without them and it is unfortunately because they lose out on being a grandparent (which is awesome as I am one!)

My in-laws were nice to my children (from another marriage) for a long time, but as they grow and the relationship fades my kids don't miss it. When they do see them everything is fine, but I really don't think they consider them their grandparents. I think it is the person themselves if they open their hearts to this child it really doesn't matter - blood or not!

I wouldn't fret about it. Live your lives and be happy with or without them! It sounds like you'll be happier without them!

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R.J.

answers from Seattle on

This is one of my favorite acronyms:

KISS

Keep It Simple Stupid

It worked reeeeeeally well in dealing with my inlaws. I dealt with my husbands grandmother, directly, period. We were good friends. I brought my son out to see her

As soon as it started getting complicated... I did nothing. In not relaying messages, not setting up secret things, if I fi d myself in the middle, I walk. If I can't explain "it" in one sentence or less, it doesn't happen.

Ex) We're going to see gramma. Happens.

ExNope!) We're going to see gramma so she can get so and so over without Such and such knowing, so Whosit doesn't get mad at So and so, because Such and such.... Nope.

Either its simple, or its a pit of snakes. I can negotiate my OWN family politics, but I did NOT try to handle my exhusband's family politics. That's for him to handle, to his satisfaction. Not for me to stick an oar in. HOWEVER, I did blacklist certain people. Again. For simple reason. X is a pedophile. X is not in our lives. Y is an addict. Y is not in my son's life. Z hurts my son. Z is not in my or our sons lives.

KISS avoids family drama BIG time.

Used it in my own family, as well.

My mum crossed a boundary, we left. That easy. In theory that makes it purely between my mum and I. Other people tried to stick oars in, but keeping it simple meant it was JUST between my mum and I. When my mum and I dealt with said boundary, then we'd dealt with it. It involved no one else. Even at thanksgiving. Takes all the drama out.

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D.C.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Do not call. Do not get in the middle. This is between your husband and his mom. And if he is ready to be done with her then you should support his decision to break off contact.

And please stop the he-said-she-said with the rest of the family. It just adds to the drama. If Grandma brings it up, just say that's between your husband and his mom, and refuse to discuss it. Same if anyone else brings it up - uncles or whomever.

Personally, if I were your husband I might consider moving, changing my phone number, and not giving them the new information just to be done with the drama. But that needs to be his decision.

1 mom found this helpful
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