We have a child who is on the autism spectrum (high functioning). He is an amazing child, but he can be incredibly frustrating for his older brother--He often does things to get attention and he can mimic behavior and be quite annoying to his sibling. My question is, how do you help your older child develop sensitivity toward the child who has special needs? I'd like to hear from people who are in similar situations (where they have a child with special needs and other children). It is not as easy as it sounds to develop this empathy. My oldest is 8 and not necessarily mature enough to really understand the details of his brother's diagnosis. How have other parents dealt with these types of situations?
Thanks!
Even with non special needs siblings, there's no guarantee that they will get along or like each other.
Separate them as much as possible.
Siblings need time away from each other.
Each parent should try to spend some one on one time with each child.
If you've got 2 kids and 2 parents it's easier to do this - the kids don't outnumber the adults.
There is a fantastic book called The Normal One: Life With a Difficult or Damaged Sibling.
You can get it from Amazon or a local library. It gives a very insightful view point of what life is like for the "normal" sibling, what pressures parents place on the "normal" one, and how to help them cope within the family dynamic. I wish this were required reading for all families. I know reading it as an adult gave me clarity into how I was raised and how this has created the family dynamic I deal with as an adult. I highly recommend it.
My situation is a little different - my younger child was dealing with his older sister who was dealing with mental health issues, and was, at times actually less mature than her younger sibling. Becuase of her mental health issues she didn't have a lot of friends, yet her younger sibling did. So when he had friends over, or was outside hanging out in our yard with with his neighborhood friends she would come out and act in ways that were typical of someone with her condition. He was so very frustrated. Our home was chaotic at times with her outbursts and other situations. So I was careful to allow him times to close his door, to get away from his sister, and I would commiserate with him, and tell him how proud I was of him. Something like "i understand that it's frustrating sometimes, and that you might feel embarassed by behavior that isnt' cool to your friends, I am so proud of how you handle it because I know that most 10 yr olds don't have to deal with this kind of difficult stuff. But - I am proud of you and I know you are a very special person for handling this really well almost all of the time. You get more mature all the time and deal with strange situations better each time. Sometimes even mature adults don't always handle difficult situations the best way so I know you aren't perfect just like I'm not either - and we don't always do things the best way. I know you'll handle tough stuff better the next time, and the next after that. I love you dearly and so does your sister and I know you love her. Things are getting better and this will not always be like this. But I know you are a very special person and this difficult stuff will make you into an awesome man with great understanding as you grow up. I love you dearly and I'm so proud of you when you handle things so well."
Often times, acknowleging the difficulty of the situation, and giving words of affirmation to our children is such a powerful thing. He will not soon forget those words and they will serve as motivation for the next time he feels like losing it.
And jsut so you know, usually this stuff get better as the years go by. WE go through these really tough times, that challenge us down to the very fiber ofour being - but things get better. I'm so happy to say that my daughter, who was very troubled for a number of years and had a discouraging prognosis has done amazingly well and is far exceeding what her doctors ever expected. She's at a good college and she's doing really well. my son and daughter are good friends now and really enjoy eachother's company. God is good.
My message to all moms is to trust your gut no mattter what the docs say. While they are often right, their information is based on statistics and large numbers. You know your child better than anyone else.
I'll be honest with you. I've never taught the girls to be sensitive to their brother's special needs (also high functioning Autism, ADHD, Tourettes, Math Disability). He's the oldest (17), the girls are 14 and 12. They all know what's going on with him, but we all just accept it as part of his personality. I don't want them to be overly sensitive to his issues. I want them to treat him like the typical older brother he can be. I want him to treat them like the pain-in-the-@$$ little sisters they can be. My son's going to be treated differently out there in the world because of his special needs. At home, he's just him, and we won't be feeling sorry for him or trying to tiptoe around him or catering to him. If he's being a jerk, we'll call him on it instead of excusing him for it. A lot of his behaviors are annoying. A lot of my daughters' behaviors are annoying. That's just the nature of sibling relationships.
BTW, MOST little brothers/sisters are incredibly frustrating for the older sibling, special needs or not. I was an older sibling. My little sister was the bane of my existence for most of my childhood. She was SUCH a pain! Now as adults, we're best friends, but I really couldn't stand her growing up.
What you DON'T want is your older one feeling sorry for your younger one. Your younger one is a complete human being who will do incredible things. He doesn't need to be treated like he's "special".
Our 12-year-old son has ADHD, ODD, OCD, anxiety, depression, tics and an eating disorder. His 8-year-old sister is neurotypical.
I can't say they always get along, because they do fight a lot. However, what has worked in helping our daughter understand her brother more is to talk about her brother's conditions when things are calm and quiet. I'll say things like, "When your brother does this, it's because _______. If you could do _____ when that happens, it would help him calm down faster." Don't just explain the conditions (which is hard for eight-year-olds to grasp), but give real-life examples. Talk about the common scenarios in your house and what your son can do when faced with his brother's behavior.
Keep in mind that they're still likely to fight. My brother and I are both neurotypical and disliked each other through most of childhood. However, we get along fine now as adults.
On some level I wouldn't force it. If your child is high functioning to the extent that it's difficult for the outside world to understand that he has a medical condition: Then he's probably not more annoying than lots of little brothers to be honest. My kids can drive each other absolutely INSANE. Sometimes I empathize. Sometimes I tell them not to tattle and to work it out themselves. Sometimes I discipline them. Sometimes I separate them....
There's a level of cruelty that IS NOT ALLOWED no matter how annoying a sibling is being. And there are rules to be followed for all. Lots of times if they don't want me to get anyone in trouble they'll resolve their own fights.
I assume your Autistic child has rules like ay other child. If he's high functioning then he knows what "Do not mimic" means. It may be even harder for him to resist the urge to mimic than other kids, but he can. And he can also understand that if he does mimic, his brother will get extremely annoyed, push him, scream at him, not want to play with him, etc. It would not serve the brothers in ANY way, to allow that behavior in the younger one and only try to deal with the older one's feelings about it. This would build resentment. When my kids mimic each other they drive each other to tears and violence, but they don't even tattle anymore because they know I'll discipline the mimic-er. Mimicing is ANNOYING and all bets are off as to what will happen to you if you do it. And even healthy kids LOVE to mimic. Same with other annoying attention-getting behavior that kids in the 2-5 yo age range LOVE to do to provoke reactions. You do it, SOMEONE'S gonna get mad. A sibling or playground kid may punch you and a parent may discipline you, so don't do it. Or be prepared for the reactions of others if you do.
So I get it that you have challenges that other people don't and behavior that is even harder than for most to control in your youngest. But the best thing you can do for your older son is to model patience and love for your youngest ALONG WITH discipline so it doesn't feel like the youngest is always getting special treatment. If your oldest sees you trying your best to enforce rules, he will not resent being unfairly treated. If you show lots of love to oldest and appreciate his help, etc, he'll learn he's appreciated.
But I wouldn't teach "Your little bother can't help himself and you need to be empathetic" too too much if that makes sense. This will short change both of them in the real world.
Just a few facts about us so you can see where I'm coming from:
Daughter is 11 and 'typical'
Son is 8 and primary dx of classic autism
My children are extremely close in spite of their differences. My daughter also volunteers in a special needs classroom during school hours. This has helped her see another side of what life is like with a disability. I have never taught either of my children that my son's diagnosis is an excuse for actions. I have always been very upfront and honest about her brother's issues to my daughter.
She knows the difference between him being stubborn(he is beyond stubborn)and him truly not being able to do or understand something. This has taken a long time to get to where we are. When she was 8 she was a little less understanding but from preschool age she's been raised to understand that whilst not always 'fair' or 'equal' life is the same for them both. There was a time period where she always claimed that it isn't fair because we expect her to be able to do 'x' while her brother gets help and/or it is done for him.
The best thing I feel we did with them is treat them the same as much as possible. Also, she has always been encouraged to help out with things with her brother. This way she not only felt included in the extra time we had to spend on him but also it helped to show her that not only can she be a big girl by doing things on her own she gets to be an even bigger girl(her words at 5)by helping out her brother who can't.
Sibling rivalry happens. Empathy can be learned over time just know you can't force anyone to understand your autistic son. Your other child will either learn to be empathetic and understanding or not it's ultimately not up to you. It is however up to you for how you allow siblings to treat one another and provided your older child is not unkind to your son just let them be.
Here's a site written by the sibling of an autistic sister - they are both in their 20's, I believe. You may find some good info here.
http://www.autismspectrumexplained.com/
She also created this site: http://aseforkids.weebly.com/
She has a facebook page as well, and you could ask your question there. She might have some feedback, or be able to recommend other resources.
I have a website - autistikids.com - that might be helpful as well. My son is 8 and on the spectrum, but is an only child so I don't have direct experience. But the website has a LOT of links so you may find what you're looking for, or may find stuff that's helpful in other areas as well. :)
