Hi,
I learned and confronted my husband of 13 years about what I believe is an inappropriate relationship/emotional affair with a woman he works with--late night text message followed by a 70 minutes phone call until 2:50 am--while he was out of town. He didn't deny that late night conversations take place and that they are mainly about work stuff and her boyfriend. He shared with me that it is easier to talk with her about the work stuff since she knows all the players. He agreed that the relationship had gotten to the point of inappropriate and that he will be speaking with her on Monday (today). He told me that he is NOT looking for anything else and that he loves and is in love with me.
I asked if there had been anything physical between them--he said no.
I asked if there had been phone sex--he said no.
I am trusting him that this is true. We had a good weekend and talked about how we move through this. Things that we can do together to continue to stregthen our marriage.
I know that we will make it through this rough patch and we are both committed to making it work.
I need help on how to forgive. I hold a terrible grudge and all I am thinking about this morning is how mad and frustrated I am.
I am anxious to talk with hiim when he gets home from work about his conversation with this co-worker.
If anyone has been through this, I would love to know what worked for you.
THANKS A BUNCH!
get the book 'not just friends' by susan glass (I think). You should each have a copy and you should read one chapter at a time and then discuss it. How fast you read is up to how comfortable you are discussing the issues in the book - you can go a chapter every couple days or a chapter a week.
Good luck.
Unfortunately I have been through a similar situation with my husband. He is in sales and has to take clients to dinners and some nights can get late. He always calls me when he is on his way home, but i found out that he was also calling (and vice versa) a female co-worker on his way home and talking with her the majority of the ride. And this was at any time from 12-2am. I was furious. He like your husband said it was nothing more than a work relationship. I told him I didn't care and it was to stop immediately. He told the girl and it did. He does still talk to her occasionaly during the day but I am ok with that. And he tells me when he does.
It takes time. You question if you are being naive and there was something more. Why he's talking to her and not you. If he cares about her more than he should. I know the type of personality my husband has, and its very charming. So I am sure, as with your husband, the female probably liked him more than she should. I guess you just have to see how things progress with the situation. If he continues to talk to her on a regular basis, its going to be hard to get over. But if he follows through and no longer calls her, then over time it will get easier. You have to be there for him to talk to. Which not to say you weren't but as with my hubby, he must have been getting something from that conversation that he wasn't getting with you.
For this and a few other reasons my husband and I went to counseling and it really helped us communicate better. That was well over a year ago now, and things are great and I would highly doubt that my husband would do that again. So give it time. If you still have a hard time forgiving him, maybe you should try counseling. even just for a little while. Your husband should be open to that if he wants to help you get over it. But again, this just happened to you, so its still fresh. Good luck to you both.
Some professional counseling from a pastor or therapist can help you move past this.
I guess I'd be curious how HE is defining inappropriate? It sounds like you are on the same page for moving forward.
I know I'm probably going to be in the minority here, and am not intending to devalue your experience, particularly because he has agreed to the relationship being innappropriate. But I guess I'm a bit interested in why you are so angry and nervous about not being able to forgive him...while this teeters on cheating, he wasn't unfaithful. Sometimes people just click and that connection feels good in a friendship kind of way. I'm not saying this is completely innocent but maybe you are feeling as hurt as you feel because you want that connection with him and feel it's missing? Maybe you'd have felt the same if this didn't happen but this situation enabled you to see areas of your relationship that aren't as satisfying as you'd like.
My two cents is to figure out what you want from him if this had never happened, what you want for yourself in this relationship, and what are the barriers for either of you having any of your emotional needs met. Couples counseling can help with this.
This isn't all on you any more than it's all on him (relationship stagnation?...not the innappropriate relationship, that's on him!). But the status of your relationship minus his co-worker, that is a 50/50 thing.
All I'm trying to say is this experience is an opportunity to explore areas that were previously not in either of your awareness. So in a twisted kind of way, this might actually be a good thing that has happened. And nothing has 'happened' yet so I wish you both well on this journey!
Counseling for both of you would be a good idea. This happens because he's getting something from the relationship - perhaps you both used to have these long talks where he got to solve problems, etc, but that's no longer part of the relationship. You both definitely want to nip this in the bud for obvious reasons. It sounds like re-connecting on a deeper level (life does get in the way of our relationships!) may be the best thing, and getting help to get there would be good for you both and for the relationship to get stronger again. Best of luck!
Definitely some counseling for the two of you so you can figure out if there are deeper issues going on. I agree that the relationship was moving into inappropriate territory. I would also trust your husband at this point that nothing else has gone on. I wouldn't worry too much or pressure yourself to "forgive" just yet. This just happened, and forgiveness takes time. If you go to some counseling and work on things, and see that your husband really is sorry for his behavior then forgiveness can come naturally in time. I wouldn't expect this to go away over night, it will probably take some work, but it does sound very promising that you will work through it. I wish you the best!
I think what helps me is to understand what forgiveness actually means....
Forgiveness does not mean that you are not upset or angry - you have every right to be angry. Forgiveness is giving up your right to GET EVEN!! It is a CHOICE that you make and is a choice that you are probably going to have to make several times in this circumstance.
Your husband is also going to have to work on building trust back, and that is not going to be easy. You have been betrayed! You didn't say how you found out about this. Did he feel guilty and just come clean? or did you find the charges on your bill and confront him about it and then he told you? I would have a very hard time with this, and I think that most women in your situation would.
It sounds like you are both committed to working through this, and I will be praying that you can find peace and a resolution!
Good, it looks like you caught him in time. If you trust him that he would have stopped the affair before it became something physycal (which it would be), then you have all it takes to make it through this. Unfortunately I didn't have the same luck, but men can be very different from each other and nobody says your hubby can't get out tof the hole while is still "clean". He totally deserve a chance. Good luck for a stronger and long marriage!!!
A divorce is what worked for me. My ex is now engaged to and has a kid with the coworker he swore he was just friends with.
They talked on the phone nearly every night after I went to work. My argument was that if she was just a friend, why did he keep her separate? We went out regularly with his other coworkers - dinner, bowling, movies, stuff like that - but with her, it was only him and her.
He says they were never physical while we were together, that they were just friends and he would talk to her about her boyfriend, work, etc and give her advice blah, blah, blah.
But the end result paints a much clearer picture. The fact is, physical or not, he fell in love with her because of how close they became.
I'm not at all saying your situation is the same or that you can't come to a different outcome, but you asked what worked for me. :)
Have you ever heard the term "work spouse"? Here's some links: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Work_spouse
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18233389/ns/business-forbescom/
It's essentially a co-worker with whom you've grown close enough to confide in about personal matters. That sounds like what is happening with your husband.
That being said, late night texting and phone calls, in my opinion, would be crossing the line, even if it was all very innocent. Again in my opinion, the work spouse relationship should stay at work, unless the two of you want to extend a friendship to her and her SO.
If the idea of a "work spouse" for your husband makes you uncomfortable, then he should respect that and take whatever measures are necessary to redefine their working relationship.
Remember that forgiveness is for the forgiver. It's a place you come to where there is no longer any grudge-holding, love replaces anger and you let go of the bad feelings associated with the situation. It will take time, don't push it. It might take months, it might take years, but trying to force yourself to forgive will only make you feel resentful. Now is the time for your husband to show you he deserves your forgiveness (open communication, showing you through action you are the one he loves, earning your trust back, etc...), but he is in no position to demand it. Good luck to you both.
