Advice on Marriage Which Included an Emotional Affair

I have never been through something like this. I do feel that the only way that I could move forward is if he disconnected himself from this person, and that includes a new job if she is still there. It will take a long time for me to forget, but, I could forgive. And it would take a lot of patience and extreme honesty from him. If he is not willing to do this, then, I wouldn't be able to stay with him. Everyone is different though. I do think you should really get Marriage Counseling. These sort of things fester if not hashed out. I've seen it happen.

M., you will probably get a lot of responses telling you to leave him,,,,I on the other hand say you can work it out if you love him,,,,Emotional support from another woman is a hard thing to swallow, but seems you were not able to give him the support at the time because you needed support also. The one night that he supported her with her mom is also a tough thing to swallow. Is he still seeing her for emotional support??? The only way you will make it is if he proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves you with all his heart. It is not easy to forgive least forget, but once you do, don't bring it up again. If you truly forgive him and want it to work out than you have to start from scratch. I know it can be done, I had a similar occurrence happen 15 years ago, but I made a decision to stay together because I loved him and had 3 small children. I am now married 32 years, kids are grown and we are great together. Good Luck

M.,

I'm writing via my wife's account as she asked me to respond as we experienced a similar issue. Our second child was born with severe mental and physical abnormalities. Long story short, she is now 8 and has been a constant stress in our life, requiring 24x7 in home nursing care. That said, we also love her.

During the last 8 years, there have been numerous times where we have been under incredible stress. There are a handful of occassions where I acted in ways that she deeply resents. Primarily, I escaped in my work and also became close with a co-worker with whom I confided. We built a close relationship (emotional and never physical) and it provided me with a good escape from the stresses.

Men and women have different ways with dealing with their emotions and stress and I was unable to be there for my wife in the ways she wanted me as I was dealing with my own grief. She sought solace in her sisters which took the pressure off me but also created a wedge.

In the last year, my wife has finally started to deal with her anger (at life, our child, me) and her guilt. For the past eight years, her anger has corrupted her happiness and our relationship.

Through significant therapy, she has finally come to accept the past and to forgive my transgressions and we are both much happier for it.

I can't say that I respect your husband's decision to put this woman's mom ahead of you and your child but I suppose some folks simply escape rather than facing their own pain.

I strongly suggest you two talk to a grief counselor and get your anger and his poor decision on the table. You'll either need to forgive him or go your seperate ways. In the process, he'll either realize the error of his ways or stay stubborn and lose your love.

Good luck.

I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through, and thank god your children are healthy today and that you are doing fine w/o him in your everyday life. But, You gave yourself an answer in your story. That weekend he should have been at that hospital w/ his wife and daughter...or at the very least home w/ his son...not out w/ some other women. He may care about you, and I don't doubt that he cares about his children on some level - but the fact that he made those choices to begin with...and than isn't willing to do whatever is necessary to make this work (going to counseling) - you are much better off on your own.
There is no way that this "emotional affair", should've meant more to him than his sick daughter...and if it did (where he's willing to run at the drop of a hat...and oh poor whats her face she has so many problems) than I'm sorry but it sounds like he did sleep w/ her. You don't get that close to someone on those levels unless you did.

i have been through something similar. my husband opened a bar right when i gave birth to our first son. he assured me it would be ok and that our lives would be better. when our baby was 9 months, i found 2 emails he left open asking a woman out on a date and calling her the most beautiful thing he has seen walk in the bar and the second one after she had apprantly rejected him. he hoped they could stay friends. i secretly emailed her back thanking her for not furthering the ruining of my family. and then i threw the letters at him and told him to never look at me or talk to me again. of course, through all the emotional turmoil i quickly tookhim back. and it drove a knife deep, deep into my heart. that was almost 4 years ago. it took that long to almost move past it. but i don't think i ever will. but i did realize something big. men are wired so differently from us that the choices they make do not have that big of an impact on them as it would us. and they are easily distracted. i know why you want to stay with him and have it work out...my husband also doesn't believe in marriage counseling. but my best advice is to even for a short time take away the most important thing to him: the kids. i should have done that to him for a longer period of time and i truly truly regret it. because i feel that it left the door open for him to do something foolish again. i hope this helps and good luck! pray hard!

You say you know if he is telling you the truth or not, and you believe that he has not slept with her... how do you know of this business trip visit? Did he tell you.. if he did, he is not hiding things from you.. is there a way you can meet this woman? if he is willing to let you meet her then I would say they are not having an affair.. .if he says no absolutely not, then I would say they are.... why does he refuse marriage counselling? does he feel there is no problems with your relationship... if this is the case I can see why he says no need... but if there is another reason then maybe you should move on...
if she was there for him during the roller coaster ride, and the stress of losing a child.. then it only seems nice of him to go help her during a stressful time... is he a proud father? does he show her his family, his wife? if yes, then i dont know that i would worry... if your relationship is not well in other areas then perhaps you should seek counselling yourself... if you dont trust him, and he knows this things will only get worse... sounds like he did actually go on a business trip, just took a slight detour, he didnt leave you abandoned at the hospital, i am sure your daughter was in good hands at the hospital... it seems also that you need to focus on your children and their health, and your health for the children... if you are constantly thinking about this you are causing stress that could wear on you and your health..if you cannot trust your husband then it is not meant to be.. if you separate for years and find you cannot be apart then you are meant to be...
think about if you are happy in being with him.. can you overcome these thoughts and love the man you fell in love, or would you be happier without him... is this the "end of the world" his having a female friend that he is not sleeping with...
my husband had one too, but he introduced me to her.. he shared her emotional situations that he felt he couldnt come to me about until he was ready.. perhaps she told him when he was ready to share with me.. he was open with me... and I know she had a boyfriend and then fiance... and I was introduced to her mother... inside at first I didnt like it.. I was suspicious.. but I found he did pay attention to me.. and was willing to include me in whatever they were going to do, even if I didnt want to go, I knew it was an option, even if I knew the boyfriend was not going to be there... then once time went on and he knew I trusted him, and her relationship with her fiance flurished their friendship has rather vanished... they may have slept together for all I know.. but he is with me, and we have been married for over 10 years... there are times I dont trust he is telling me the truth.. but I reallize I could be in a worse situation.... I could be with a guy that is beating me, or drugging, or gambling all of our money away or whatever... we have our ups and downs which is to be expected in marriage... but as long as we communicate we make it through.. without any marriage counselling... let him know how you feel... dont accuse him of anything.. just make it clear of your feelings.. if you cannot talk to him, send him an email or put a letter on the seat of his vehicle before he goes to work... this sometimes how my husband and I communicate.. and often really clears the air and we both feel better... good luck... most important focus on you, and the children...

WOW this is all too close to home, but I didn't have any wonderful women to warn me, so I had to live through it to be able to give you some advise that I pray you will consider and actively do. Run to a marriage counselor and if he isn't with you then he doesn't think he did anything wrong, he did. He took away time in your relationship to be with someone else who is not even family. Don't accept responsibility for his behavior. If you are still feeling this way then he should be wanting to do everything possible to have your trust and do anything to assure you that nothing went on. The counselor will help you get through it.The first thing that I asked him to do was to have blood work done to check for STDS, HIV and AIDS.
A marriage was made in God's eyes to withstand anything. You have to ask youself: If it was him that asked for the seperation? WHat is he doing when he is not with you? I left with the kids for a week and when I came back to the house I told him to pack his things up and go to a relatives and leave to not uproot out children from their routine.Other than work my husband spent every moment with us, we talked, cried, we saw a female counselor and we decided to do was what we had to too give our relationship a chance the right way as God intended for it to be. He changed jobs, we took a marriage class that is the best there is, check out the website: http://www.familydynamics.net/ to see if there is one near you, it is a commitment. If not the book is "His Needs Her Needs" by Joe Beam and it also has a workbook "His Needs Her Needs". This exercise addresses everything in a non threatening way and it was the best thing that happened in our mariage. My husband too resisted going to a counselor, so I told him these are the conditions and let him know that I was going to talk to someone and get the help I needed. We are closer now than before and he spends his time talking to me. We also decided to get outside professional marriage counseling at the same time. Doing the exercises in the workbook was a great experience, because you learn each others likes and dislikes. We learned to have a "date night" every week where we can talk and catch up from the weeks events and plan for the weekend and family time, and we have a weekend getaway without the kids more often, we have dinner as a family at night. He should be calling you during the day letting you know his movements and where abouts. I know you think its crazy, but this is what he had to do to gain my trust back, and the counselor reaffirmed it to him, it wasn't until he accepted responsibility that we were able to move passed things and begin to repair our marriage. Go to the library or book store and check out the books, it saved my marriage. Don't make excuses look past it for your kids sake, be thankful for what you have and show him how thankful you are, you will see the difference and God reveals all. Get the help you need to be able to get past it if you want to make it work, he has to want to as well, but get the help for yourself. I've been married for 10 yrs now and 14 months ago I didn't think I would be or be able to go through it. Outside support is the best to get through it, see a counselor. You'll be in my prayers.

I am not sure if this will help or hinder...but I had an emotional affair also. So I was in your husbands shoes...but my situation was way way different...I do not believe I would have had that emotional affair, if something was wrong with my husband or seven year old and would never have chosen my "friend" over being with my sick child/children at the hospital. I know men are different then women and I feel for you.

Hello M.,
I 've been with my husband since I was 15 and have been through alot with him, my husband and I counsel alot of marriages that have gone through similar or worse...
I find my personal belief and that of others counseled that an emotional affair is usually harder to accept and to write off. Also alot of times its more than emotional unless the spouse is extremely principled, religious or just hasn't gotten there yet.
I think some marriages can not only withstand affairs but can be made stronger b/c of them - giving each spouse an better understanding of themselves and each other.
My best advice to you is if you believe seek God and His counsel.
S.

Hi M.,
I have never eperienced this so I can not offer much advice. I did however want to offer some support. You said that you are starting to realize you can do this on your own. What you haven't realized is that you HAVE been doing this on your own, since he left you alone to deal with your sick daughter so that he could support another woman during her "troubled times" He put her and her needs before you and your family...his family. Of course men are VERY different than women. We are stronger, and you are a perfect example of strength. You have done what is necessary for your family and you need to now look out for yourself as well. You need to be happy and healthy in order to care for your kids. I wish you all the best luck in the world. I truly hope this works out for you, reagardless what the outcome is. I will keep you in my thoughts.

M.,
It is very difficult to overcome the betrayal that you feel. If you truly want to make it work you will need to do this once and for all. I have some questions and please don't be offended, just food for thought. Whose idea was it first to seperate? IF it was his I would be curious as to why he thinks leaving you alone with the kids is helping you. Has he admitted he made a mistake? The excuse that it was an emotional affair only ,does not lessen the offense. It is still cheating. I don't know how you can be absolutely sure it was just emotional. I do not mean to hurt you. I have been in your shoes. Only my husband's female buddy-also his best friends girlfriend -was caught with my husband in a, lets say Compromising situation. And they were just friends too. He does not deserve your trust. That being said I believe you can save your marriage. Your husband should go to counselling with you. If he will not, then he is not accepting his offense was wrong no matter what he tells you. I would suggest that you see a counselor without him. Preferably a female counselor. They will be able to walk you throught forgiveness process that you need to go through for your childrens sake, whether or not you two decide to stay married. Remember HE was the one that was wrong and therefore he owes it to you to make this right however he can :including couneselling. If he will not do that , he is not devoted to you or your marriage. I have a hard time believing that he is if he would rather support another woman than you in your time of need. I wish you the best, and I truly hope you two can work it out.

I'm sorry to hear about all you've been through. I agree that men quite often can't handle tough times... I always joke that I have 3 kids, really only 2 and a husband. So, I do believe it started because he was having a hard time handling it. HOWEVER, that is no excuse. Talking is one thing, but leaving you alone while he went with her is another...
I think that you discovering that you can do this alone is very good... it will prevent you from staying out of fear. I think that you should go to counselling alone, even if he won't go with you. Not just for your marriage, but for your loss as well. It can only help.
That's my 2 cents...
I wish you all the best...

M.,

At first i was ready to say you were being silly, because really what is and EMOTIONAL AFFAIR, but a friendship.

BUT seeing as how you are separated, and its been 18 months,and then he went out of town with her,is still carrying on the friendship, and doesn't want counseling.

THIS SEEMS like MORE than simply emotional.

I think that if HE want to work it out ground rules need to be set,

1. ALL contact with this woman need to END

2.He needs to look for a new job away from her, as this is too much temptation, and he betrayed your trust already
now he needs to step up and show you.

3.You need to decide if you WANT HIM, We already know you can do it alone, but it seems you don't want to and you miss him,
and love him, So DECIDE if he is the one you want,

Then work at it, and let him move back in.

Bottom line as long as this other woman is in the picture he is still cheating.

Leaving this job is for the betterment of your family,

PS shortly after obtaining the new job, his cellphone should be LOST forever, when a new one is replaced, it can accidentally get dropped into water by his child.( water damage is not covered by insurance.)
I say this because it will limit his contact with this woman,
for atleast a week,
sending her a message,
ITS costly but helpful, And if at all possible speak to her face to face and TELL her don't ask her to BACK OFF. Ask her to help him respect the boundaries.

Don't let her steal your husband, he is a good man that made a mistake, Your married, he is the father of your children,he deserves a second chance.

Remember that even tho this is WORSE, BETTER is coming.

All I can say is stay tough and be strong. My husband and I just went through it. We separated for 6 months and I did discover that I could do it on my own. He was the one that came back, wantng to work on things. But I put my foot down about his relationship with the other woman. He had to choose and if I heard of her what so ever I was filing for divorce. I told him he had to choose what he wanted and that it was a long road. We are going to be going to counseling also. Tell your husband down the road a bit (don't push the issue right now) that if he really wants to make it work with you that he will go for you and talk things out. If he still refuses he really doesn't want to make things better. And the other woman needs to go. Whether or not it was a sexual relationship, she needs to go. it is going to make it worse if she is still in the picture. You will never be able to move on. Best of luck and like I told my husband I can forgive but I will never Forget!!

While I know it is vey hard and trust that I do know what your talking about the exact same scenario well not the bed-rest but the co-worker, the emotional tie, no sexual contact, etc. I also at that point was done and told him it was over after 14yrs I was done but I have two little girls a 20mth old and a 4yr old who are absolutely head over heels in love with their father. I balanced it out in my mind was breaking up this home worth it? Yes I know your thinking why didn't he think of that? He should have but he didn't. At then end it will be you who will have to answer the question why isn't daddy home? when is he coming home? can't daddy come home? and these questions will come repeatedly believe me and answering that question each time breaks your heart. So I balanced it out did he hurt me? absolutely, can I trust him? I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him and he knows this but do I owe it to my children to try? Absolutely. That was the decision that I made. I came to this decision after many hours and days of talking it through with him and really seeing his devotion to make our marriage work. He offered to quit his job that he loves, offered to move our family out of state. You have to search your soul and ask the question will living with this be harder on my children than living without him. If you simply cannot look at him in the same way or love him and show him love so that your children understand that you are modeling what a good marriage is then I would say sit down and start planning a future as a divorced mom however if you feel that this too shall pass then you have a shot. It is a long road in front of you filled with many bumps because you will no longer be that same couple that you were. Each of you have to understand that. Think of it like NYC before the World trade center our naive thought process is gone and each day we prepair for a different outcome one that we never fathomed before the World Trade Center.

I don't really have any advice to give you that all these other ladies haven't already given you. I just wanted to say good luck sweetie, and I hope it all works out for you. If you are going to forgive him for doing what he did and try to get back together then you need to tell him "Honey, I can forgive you for this, but we need to work on us now."

Becoming a father is very stressful and an uncertain and emotional time for men. Your husband not only had to deal with all of that, but also the death of a child. I can't imagine how hard that was on both of you, but he is human, and he can learn to come to you instead of someone else for emotional support. He needs to know he can come to you, that he can trust you with his feelings, etc. Why men separate the one they love from the one they lean on is beyond me... the one he loves and the one he leans on should be one in the same, you. A husband and wife are supposed to be best friends as well as lovers.

The woman that suggested the marriage books was so right. If he won't go to a counselor it is likely due to embarassment/pride, books would be good. Set aside a time every few days when you two can get together and read some of these books. I know that it's easier said than done, but losing him forever would be harder... it sounds like you love him very much.

I wish you the best, take care of yourself.

R.

Aww Momma. I don't know your husband & you from a hole in the wall. But I do know if it looks, talks, & walks like a duck, it ain't no cow. Physical cheating isn't as bad, as the emotional ones, in my opinion.

I went through (husband wise) the same thing. I asked for counselling (he refused), I asked for him to keep staying home (he refused), I asked him to take a mini-vaca (he refused). Sadly, we are now separated & it seriously the best decision I made.

Anyways, point I'm getting at is, if he really wants to prove himself to you because you are worth that much to him, he should be able to stay away from that coworker & go to counselling. If it's really not what it looks like then he owes it to you, as his wife, as the mother of his kids, to make it known to you. Throughout all the loss, heartache & stress over the kids, I give it to you for holding it together for this long especially through all of this.

I hate looking at the worst of people, but I really do hope it works out the best for YOU & your children. Always take your kids & YOU into consideration. Be strong, Momma. If you decide to try it again, make sure he proves himself to you. If he doesn't then THAT is where you'll be fooling yourself.

Like Desmond said in lost. "The universe has a way of correcting itself". Good luck.

I can only say two things. First forgiveness is a choice made daily, not a feeling at all. Second, please get counciling and don't make your children victims of a divorce when they and you are in no danger from their father.

are you sure he "refuses" marriage counseling? my opinion is that is the only way you are going to heal your marriage! what if you start going to counseling on your own... do you think he would come around? it's just an idea...

i hope that you can mend your marriage... it sounds like it could be fabulous with alot of forgiveness and reconciliation.

i have to say that the only thing that will really help you is marriage counseling. sometimes you really need a professional, neutral person to hear what you are saying differently and without the emotional attachment. it also helps to research who you are seeing and see if that person works for you. my partner and i have been in counseling for the last year and a half and it has saved our relationship. our problems are different but i know the feeling of not being able to know if you should go on with the relationship or if you can forgive them. i would really urge you to try to talk him into it. or possibly you should see someone yourself. i also stress how important the right fit is. we see a woman that is incredible but when we were first looking i remember walking out of someone's office actually angrier than when i walked in. good luck. i know these things are difficult and even more difficult when children are involved.

I am happily realisticaly marriaged as well. No story book. I do have some advice and questions.
1. he did the worse possible thing he needs to do everything to make it right, period. If not, the relationship is not as important to him as you think.
2. was your marriage really perfect or just perfect to you?
3. maybe he wanted to leave earlier, but because the death of your child felt he couldn't. Death, illness etc makes some men want to run.
4. you know what you need to do. Live your life. Either he is on board or he isn't. Can you handle that?

M., I went through this in my last marriage, and here are two things I learned that I can pass along to you:

(A) An emotional affair is far more devastating to the marriage, than something that was "just sex", because he is putting his emotions and his whole thought life, into someone that is not his marital partner.

(B) It ain't going to work if only one half of the couple wants it to work. It takes two people to have a marriage. If he won't go for counseling, at least get yourself there.

If he refuses counseling and it's something that you really want, you should definately go to counseling on your own. I wouldn't be able to trust my husband again if he did what your husband did. I understand wanting to work it out but if he refuses to go discuss it with someone, I think you should think about more than a trial separation. Until he can prove to you again that he's trustworthy, do you want to spend the rest of you life doubting him? That's no way to live! You deserve better.

Explore why he's resistent to counseling... could be he's ashamed and thinks he'll be judged, etc. But anyway, look into the "Dynamic Marriage" class, or at least get the materials and read it for yourself. It's not impossible to get past this, it's only "impossible" to do so because of how you've been approaching it, so to affect change you must approach it differently. But honestly, considering all you've been through and are going through, I think it's too much to expect of yourself to just somehow figure it out and know how to work differently at it. I think you would benefit from having a neutral party to talk to that can help you think it through- I think you'd be surprised by how much the right therapist can help the both of you even if it's only you that goes. And by the way, You are right in being hurt and betrayed by this emotional affair- it's not "ok" just cause he didn't go all the way. And most likely the reason you can't get past it involves that the relationship between the two of you still lacks the emotional intimacy it needs, so it worries you that he is still vulnerable to repeat. Hope it helps... feel free to e-mail me if you'd like further input.

Hmmmmmmmm... Frankly .. Inasmuch as we go through alot with childbirth.. so do "they". You can dwell on this and blow it up and into whatever you choose. You can take his word. Call it temporary insanity to yourself. and speak life to your situation by not rehashing it either with him or a therapist. Move on and away from it all. He probably has .. now you do. Or. You can let your mind take you where you dont want to be.. and build it up to more than it is .. and push him further away.
Go to church. as a family. Take a vacation alone. Reconnect. and let it go. The power of life and death is in the tongue ..

I agree with Denise. I wish you all the best. Stay strong and God bless you and your whole family.

A.

it's hard to say for a situation like yours unless you've been there. i personally would leave my husband and tell him that if she makes him feel better that he should go marry her BUT my marriage is completely different from yours. i wasn't with my husband as long as you've been with yours, and we NEVER had anything even close to a fairytale marriage, more like a NIGHTMARE marriage! if i were in your situation, i possibly would try as hard as possible to make things work...but it's hard when they refuse marriage counseling (my husband refused it too, but since i've moved in with my family because i can't handle his family anymore he's considering the marriage counseling). it's hard to just get past something like losing a child, and having another one in the hospital while your husband is with another woman...but as you said, it was planned weeks earlier. you really have to look deep in your heart and see what's more important to YOU because as many stories you may hear, they won't be the same as yours (possibly close, but not the same) and what's right for one person, isn't always right for the other. holding a grudge like i would isn't the right thing. i personally have trust issues, so i couldn't ever trust my husband again after that. but that doesn't mean that being without him after as long as you've been with your husband is better. i also am the kind of person to put myself last. as unhappy as i am with my marriage, i'm willing to live miserably ever after just to be with my husband for my daughter. as long as we argue when she's not around, she's fine, she LOVES having the both of us around together. and since i've moved out that's how it's been, him here when he's out of work, then she goes off to bed and he goes home. it's hard, but we're doing it for HER, no one else. is it the right way to go about things? idk, again, it's different for everyone. i hope that my wishy-washy views haven't confused you, and that they've possibly helped..even just a little bit. good luck with the situation.

M., I am so sorry for what you have been through. My opinion is that if your husband is the one who did wrong, and he is not willing to go for marriage counselling, then he is not sorry enough and not committed enough to your relationship. He doesn't want to hear a therapist tell him that he acted badly. If he wants this marriage to work, he needs to face up to what he did, make amends and commit fully to your marriage and family.

I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you. It's not an easy thing to go through.
I have to say and I do hope you don't mind but you are dealing with a narcissistic man. He thinks about himself. You were going through a hard time with your daughter in the hospital and your daughter was as well. He took off and helped this other woman through a hard time leaving you to deal with your family issues.

You have to follow your heart. But I can hear how much you love this man. It breaks my heart as I experienced the same thing. You have to understand that at this point in his life he is all about what he needs. He is not thinking of anything else at this point.

As far as a stressful time in his life, it was stressful to you as well and you didn't go get someone else to talk to, you had him.
narcissism seems to be running ramped in men today. I wish you good luck. But I also want you to think about you and your children. A marriage is two people working together for a common goal. Think about yourself and your kids.

Has he told you exactly what this was? I have guy friends that I am close to and talk to but I have never had anything remotely considered an affair with them, on any level.
I agree his choice was wrong to go to her when she needed help and your daughter was in the hospital, outright wrong!
I'm not sure what to tell you. It isn't always easy being a single parent and if you think you have something worth salvaging then I would try and work on it. You should get some counseling yourself so you don't continue to build resentment towards the issue (if you want to stay with him) because it will only make it worse. I hope you figure something out.

N.

Sounds familiar! Get rid of him. You deserve better. And, you CAN do it on your own.

You need counseling. After all you've been through the luxury of a fresh set of ears and eyes to really take in and sort out what happened is something you both deserve. Maybe he can think of counseling as a commitment he can make for the kids. Sort of like if your son needed to see a learning specialist-- would he not take him --could he figure it out on his own?

Hi M.,
My husband had a lot of women friends when we were married and I became friends with all but one of them. She was very intrusive and rude and disrespectful of boundaries, and clearly was in love with my husband before she married her own. She referred to my husband as her "H-2" and would look at him with adoring eyes, and called him L__'sky. It was revolting. She would put her feet in his lap and ask for a foot massage--I am a physical therapist, so if she wanted a foot massage who would you ask?
All his other friends were lovely and created no friction. I finally told him I refused to have anything to do with her, would not double date, and if he wanted to see her he had to do it on his own time. It created a lot of anger and resent-ment on my part and then on his part with the forced separa-tion.
I wonder whether you would be comfortable meeting her if you haven't already. If things were truly platonic you will know by their behavior and you might become friends with her,too.
That would probably be very therapeutic and you could probably openly tease/torture/rib/ridicule him together for his "selfish" behavior. Humor is very healing. If he keeps you apart, I would feel jealous and suspicious and wouldn't blame you for feeling the same. Remember she is a woman, and just as you are turning to us for support you might find her to be a sympathetic ear.
If not...beware. If it smells like s--t, feels like s--t, it probably is s--t. Then you have a lot of serious thinking to do, and I recommend you do it with counselling--even if it is you alone.
And don't punish yourself for being hurt and resentful. You are human, might have a personal history that makes you more sensitive to "abandonment" issues, and need to have some sort of resolution to this. You can eventually forgive and forget if you feel connected--it is a tough and sometimes long process. You also sound like you guys need to do something TOGETHER without the kids (a tough one if you are like me and can't stand the thought of leaving the baby with someone). A therapeutic weekend doing something that will enable you to reconnect. You can't resolve things in a vacuum which is what you create with a separation. I am glad you feel you can do it on your own, so now if you go back you won't feel you did it out of desperation. But don't wait too long--you need communication to re-cement and rekindle the good feelings.

I think if you really love your husband, then it's worth it to keep fighting. If he won't go to couples counseling, then maybe you should to counseling on your own.

I don't think it's a bad thing to realize that you can do this on your own. You should never be with someone because you HAVE to - you should be with someone because you WANT to. Be proud of the fact that you are a capable mom!

You absolutely have a right to be hurt, angry, resentful, etc. This isn't the type of thing you just "get over", but you have to decide if you want to move past it or not. If so, a good counselor may help you outline the steps that you need to take to do so.

If your husband absolutely will not try counseling, see if he will work through a marriage book with you (sort of a counseling "independent study"). I know there are lots of them out there, one I've done is called "Love and Respect," and really helped my husband and me understand the other's needs. Kudos for sticking with it!

My heart goes out to you. Men make stupid decisions all the time, be it about little things or big things. Although no one can make this decision for you, except you, before you make one maybe it wouldn't hurt for you to go talk to someone. The reason I'm saying this is because he really hurt you and your family for purely selfish reasons, or so it sounds. You need to figure out if you can forgive him and move on. If not, you can not live together with you doubting his actions and questioning his decisions, or even bring up the past when you get mad/upset at him. I have no doubt that you can take care of yourself and your kids on your own, but on the other hand people do make mistakes. His mistake was HUGE, and I never condone getting clos to the opposite sex cause things are tough--just a bad excuse--but I guess the big question is; can you forgive him and move on? I strongly suggest you talk to someone who can help you sort out your feeling and put things in perspective. There is a fine line between familiarity/comfort and the type of love you can't live without. Good luck to you...

It takes a lot of courage to share your story. Not that I have experienced what you experienced, but I know it hurts. I am sure you are torn with being true to yourself (not letting go about that weekend) and doing what is right for your family.

I do hope that things turn out for the best. Continue to be strong and if you decide to forgive and let go about that weekend, that is your decision. Letting the anger go about that weekend may be the only way for you to feel right with him.

No matter what your decision is, I do know that living life when you are happy is much better than being angry.

Best of luck.

Regards,
Rosie

Dear M.,
I can't imagine what you are going through. It is a woman's worst nightmare. I have been married for almost 37 years. Of course in all those years there have been ups and downs. I have never had to face a situation of betrayal like you have. However, my gut feeling tells me that if your husband is not willing to do everything - and I mean everything, especially marriage counseling to regain your trust and forgiveness, then something is very wrong. He is the one who caused this whole situation. It was his selfishness and his deserting you in your greatest time of need that has caused your great pain. If he expects your forgiveness and your trust to ever be real - He is the one who has to do whatever it takes. If he is refusing marriage counseling - then perhaps he has even more to hide, or is not willing to admit his complete responsibility in the matter. Is he still working with this woman? If so that is another slap in the face. Believe me, I am a devoted Christian and I believe in total and complete forgiveness in any situation - even this one. However, if he is not willing to do what it takes to gain that forgiveness and trust - which is going to take a lot - Then something is just not right. I feel so badly for you and the pain you are going through. I will pray for you and your husband, that he will see the light and know what he must do.