I've posted on here before about my SS. He's now almost 9 years old. If you want more info about him and his behavior, please read my previous posts. There's WAY too much to recap here. But now I have yet another new concern.
Two weeks ago we were doing homework together, and SS was doodling little characters on his paper, then slashing at them, scribbling over them and finally erasing them. I asked what he was doing and he told me he likes to draw pictures of kids and then destroy them and send them to a black hole so they can never come back. He says he does this when he's mad or just because he feels like it. He said he usually draws little girls because they are the easiest to hurt and destroy. He also said he sits at a table with 3 girls who see him do this, and they tell him to stop because it bothers them, but he refuses to stop. This makes me very nervous and upset, as I have a 1 and 3 year old daughter and SS lives with us every other week minimum. Also, around Christmas, he told my mom that he likes to think about hurting boys at school who tease him. We (his dad and I) asked him about this and he denied saying it and denied that anyone teases him at school.
There have been a couple incidents over the past few years that were also violent in nature, but at the time I attributed them to him maybe being autistic and not being empathetic, or just being young. At 7 he tried to throw his cousin off the top of our very high playground set. He said he knew his cousin would get hurt and probably go to the hospital, but he didn't care because he was mad and wasn't sorry. At 6 he played 'baby' with his 3 year old cousin and pretended to change her diaper. He asked her to take off her underwear and she wouldn't (thankfully) but he wiped her with up tons of diaper wipes repeatedly, so much that her panties were soaked and she cried when she went pee for 2 days due to the irritation. My SIL (who was watching them at the time) said he was very angry when caught, even though she did not (initially) react with anger. SS blamed the incident on his 3 year old cousin, saying she told him to do it and denying that he did anything wrong at all.
So, these incident have been spread out over a few years. But it now seems to me that he's having actual violent fantasies about hurting kids, specifically little girls. His dad refuses to acknowledge that there is anything odd about this behavior, and will not address any of the other concerns that I and others have brought to his attention. So what do you think about this situation? Normal or scary? And what, as a stepmom, can I do to help and not be scared to have him around my little girls? Thank you very much for any help you can offer.
Take him to the peditrician WITH dad...so the doctor can tell Dad this isn't normal. Then the peditrician can recommend a good child phycologist for an evaluation.
If Dad isn't on board you have to get him on board...start with the pedi.
They are red flags, don't ignore them...
I would find him a therapist. There is something going on either in this child's life, or inside of him, that he is having a difficult time controlling. He needs a safe place to vent and a safe person (a therapist) to talk to that can help you all understand his behavior and what is behind it.
These actions are definitely signs that you need to have your ss evaluated by a professional. This is very scary. Your husband needs to make an appointment with a child psychologist.
I would never leave him alone with your girls.
You say he's ASD? These are issues that should be examined and addressed ages ago with his primary doc, his occupational therapist, behavioral therapist, etc. if he is not in the care of any specialist for these behaviors, he NEEDS to be, right away.
I hope you will advocate for this kid to get the help he is crying out for as much as you can. And I hope you will be very mindful when he's around your daughters.
Keep us posted, ok?
:)
This is scary stuff. I highly recommend talking to a professional who deals primarily with his diagnosis.
I would not leave him alone with your girls. And I would talk to your husband about making it a point to have lessons and discussions, father to son, about appropriate ways to treat people.
ETA: I don't agree with those who say to just take him to a pediatrician. Pediatricians are not mental health professionals.
This is not normal behavior. These are all HUGE RED FLAGS that something is not right. He needs to be evaluated.
I'd schedule a conference with his teacher at his school to get her input and make your husband go. This is not what a parent wants to have to do, but it is your husband's JOB to get to the bottom of this. It is HIS duty to take care of his son, and he needs a lot of care right now. His teacher knows ALOT about his personality because she is with him the most and could probably give you some perspective or refer you to the guidance counselor at school.
I agree with conferencing with the pediatrician as well.
In the meantime, he should never be left unsupervised in ANY situation whether with other kids or by himself. He doesn't sound stable.
I do have to ask, what and/or who is he exposed to during the weeks he's not living with you? Sorry if that is explained in your previous posts. I didn't have time to read through them. This could be a determining factor if there are negative aspects to his weeks apart from you.
Get help now before he does do something harmful to another child. The attempts have already been made to hurt and he's gotten away with them. What's next? That's a scary thought to me...
Best of luck and hugs to you for being proactive.
You already have plenty of good posts telling you -- he needs help, yesterday. I would add: First: Make sure it doesn't just end at the pediatrician's, because frankly there are peds. out there who know little about kids' mental and emotional needs and what's a "phase" and what is a serious red flag. Go to the ped to insist on a referral for evaluation and therapy, not to let the ped. be the last word. Second: You need your husband on board. Does he tend to feel that this is "just a phase" or say that "boys will be boys and boys are rough" etc.? He is in denial. He is not listening to you nor is he seeing these giant, waving red flags, so he needs to hear from a professional -- in very clear terms that dad will understand -- that your child is sick just as if he had a physical illness and can be helped, but ONLY if both parents are on board. Some people, especially some men, just will not listen to negative news unless a third party they respect tells them; they won't hear it from wives but must be told by someone else. I really wish you the best of luck. There is help out there but you must be very assertive about getting it and getting enough of it to help your child today. You can do this -- but you will need dad along with you and you will need to be strong and assertive with doctors!
Also-- you need to clue in his teachers immediately. They need to know he is getting help so they can help him better in school.
He needs to be assessed. Do you get to take the kids to the doctors? If yes, then bring this up. Your husband is NOT protecting his child - he thinks he is, and it is so sad and hard for him to face, but he is hurting his child by trying to minimize things. If you can talk to the school counselor, perhaps the SCHOOL can bring it to your husband's attention. If your husband will not listen to reason, you may have to choose your daughter's safety over his denial. I hope it doesn't come to that, but it may take that kind of line in the sand to make him see. It sounds like you are coming from a place of love for your step-son - keep coming from that place and hopefully hubby will see it is because you CARE for the boy and not out of a place of attack.
ADD: Denial and minimizing things is kind of a typical reaction of a parent, because we SO want our child to be OK. My son has high functioning autism and sometimes my husband will doubt because the signs aren't obvious at home. But I can see them in social situations. Sometimes we don't want to see it when our kids aren't typical, or having problems because we don't know what to do, or we blame ourselves and will blame harder if something is wrong, or we take it too personally. But as parents we have to get beyond that and do what is right for the child. Because you are slightly "outside", as he is not your bio-child, you may have more clarity and just enough of an emotional separation to not take his issues personally, like mom-dad are.
I read your previous posts as well as this one. This child is crying out so badly for help. I feel so sad for him that both his mother and his father are so deeply in denial that they won't even take him for an evaluation. At a minimum, they are denying him services to help him learn to function in society. At worst, they are putting him (by way of bullying because he's so 'different') and others (if he acts on his violent thoughts) in danger. How far does this have to go before the parents will do something?
As a stepmom, there is likely little you can do except continue to try to convince your husband to take him for a complete developmental evaluation. However, I don't think you can trust him to be alone with any child even for a minute. I don't know how to make you less scared for your little girls, because I agree he could be a danger to them. If your husband continues to bury his head in the sand, at some point you may need to ask yourself - is your marriage worth the potential risk to your daughters?
Okay the bottom line is:
he is not normal.
Something is wrong with him.
AND... he NEEDS to be treated for whatever mental illness he has... BEFORE HE ACTUALLY HURTS or molests SOMEONE. Not just 'fantasize' about it.
Right?
He is not normal.
And, if no one does anything about it, nor gets him professional help... then it is all of your faults, if ever he does... end up hurting someone, animal or child or adult.
Dealing with it only after the fact, if he does hurt someone, is TOO late.
And YES, you should fear for your little girls and never leave them around him.
IF an adult were doing all of these things, society would see him as being... VERY disturbed. Very psychotic or sociopathic, and/or abusive.
Good grief.
If no one does anything about this, then one day he will hurt someone, be that family or stranger.
Of course this is not normal.
Are you all going to wait until he does hurt someone or molests them... and then maybe get him help?
What is it going to take? For the parents or family... to all get him help?
I would not leave, any children with him or around him.
He is dangerous.
This shouldn't be ignored. I agree hubby should take him to the PED to discuss his behavior.
It is hard to know what his past is since you and hubby aren't always with him.
Hopefully hubby is not in denial.
Best wishes.
No, sweetie, not normal. The good thing is that he is talking to you about it. PLEASE get some help for him. If you ignore this, it just won't go away.
I'm very sorry, but glad you at least know. If his dad won't do anything about it, go talk to the school yourself. Talk to the guidance counselor and the principal. They can start the ball rolling.
Dawn
There's a reason they are called red flags, it's because you should pay attention to them.
Arrange a meeting with his pediatrician (bring your husband) and discuss everything you have witnessed. The dr. should be able to give you insight and direction for the next step.
That is very scary and very NOT normal. I would be taking him in for some pscyh eval. These are not normal actions or thoughts and are definite red flags. I would not let him be alone with the other children. Im not sure what you can do except tell your husband (his father) that he needs to take him for an eval. Get his mom involved. I have not ready any previous posts but if no one else seems concerned then they have issues as well.
I have a 9 year old son, and have never seen anything even remotely like that before in him. I agree with the others, and would have him evaluated soon. Good luck.
normal boy stuff can be violent, but not to this extent and this personal. For example my boys draw many "battles" with blood and arrows, etc. They even have drawn "a guy who got eaten by a dinosaur" etc.
Pretty normal. It came from creative re-interpretation of what they have seen/know about from history books & museums. This is harm and intent. The fact that the history is rather complicated and these items seem to be more than just normal "boy stuff."
However, I must commend your son on drawing and erasing instead of hitting and pushing. It sounds like a non-violent coping mechanism, but I wonder what is he coping with - where does this rage and hatred come from?
so yes, therapy, hope your hubby gets on board. good luck.
Husbands /fathers never like to think anything is "wrong" with their child as they think it reflects some kind of flaw in them as a father. So much of this stuff has genetic roots.
Thsi si not normal. ALl kids have bad days and want to hurt the person that is hurting them - but this sounds outside the norm - very outside the norm. He must go to counseling now - he's 9 for Pete's sake - he can have such a good and normal future if he gets appropriate care now. Do wahtever you ahve to do to get this little boy the care he needs. He's probably got a lot to be angry about (who knows what his mom's situation or home is like - does she have a boy friend?) and when he comes to your house he's temporary in a world where two little girls are permanent. I think his drawings of girls shows his mixed feelings about them - he probably really likes them - but feels so jealous and angry about the situation that he doesn't know what to do with his feelings. He needs to learn how to handle them - trust me - he does not like feeling this way and wants to be relieved of the pain. do him the favor and get him help. he needs a lot of love and needs to know that no matter what, you and his dad will outlast him and love him.
Goo dluck mama.
Can you talk to his pediatrician? I know that the doctor can't share any information with you, but just ask for a phone call and let them know your concerns, what you are seeing.
I'd also make an effort to talk to the school counselor and ask for resources.
If your husband is in denial, this is going to be a hard road. He may have to see, with his own eyes, something terribly disturbing before he takes it seriously. Did your SIL(I'm assuming she's your husband's sister) give her brother what-for when the diaper wipe incident happened? That was a conversation which should have taken place.
I say this with all gravity: your son cannot be left alone with other children at this point. You may need to address this with your husband through marriage counseling/with a counselor to help this process. You may need to figure out a future plan to keep your girls safe if he's completely unwilling to address this. You may need to be prepared to move out or go someplace else.You may need to call a state agency to step in-- I don't know. This child needs a lot of help; it is impossible to expect him to manage his emotions given the challenges he is already faced with. It's one thing to just draw some icky pictures every so often-- kids do that. But not to the point that it disturbs those around them, and certainly not the other physical offenses which you describe.
You may be your stepson's only advocate. Talk to the teacher and see what comes up. If you AND the teacher AND the counselor call the doctor and try to get help, something may happen. I'm so sorry you are having to carry this on your own shoulders. Be strong.
i think that 'erasing' people he doesn't like from his life through artwork is actually a healthy coping mechanism.
the actual incidents of violence are much more alarming.
sounds as if your SS definitely needs some intervention and analysis.
khairete
S.
Get him some serious help soon, p,ease before someone gets hurt.
Not Normal. He needs help Now. Please get him help now. Something is very wrong.
Sounds like he's been picked on for years and is now ready to take it out on someone, or at least this seems like part of the problem. I would be very concerned.
I'm surprised the school hasn't said anything
