Hi mamas and daddies,
This question is not about my child. My youngest brother in law is 15 years old, he'll be 16 in October. He's a freshman in high school. My husband is his school contact because their parents don't speak English and he lives closest to the school where his brother attends. Today, my husband received a call from the school that his brother has been absent from school since the 10th of this month! We are shocked and horrified. I kinda figured we might be in for a little rebellion from him, all teens go through that. But he's always been such a good kid. I've known him since he was 6. I really can't believe that this is happening. He is probably going to get kicked out of his school. He worked so hard to be able to go there, I just don't understand why he is throwing this opportunity away!
Anyhow, my question is, what now? I know I am not the parent, but my inlaws look to my husband for advice. I suggested cutting him off from all spending money other that what he absolutely needs to get to and from school. I'm also thinking they should cut him off from his cell phone. Is this a harsh enough action to take? We don't know the whole story yet. We're going to sit down with him tonight after my husband gets home from work. I don't think he knows that we know yet. My husband is trying to get his other siblings to come over too. I want this to make an impact, but I don't want to push him in the other direction either. I guess I would like to know how you would handle this type of situation, how you would approach it and what the appropriate consequences should be?
We had been planning to go out to dinner tomorrow to celebrate the same brother's recent Confirmation. My husband thinks we should cancel this because of him skipping so much school, that he doesn't deserve a celebration. But I'm on the fence about it. His Confirmation was a huge accomplishment for him, and it's totally separate from school. I don't think it would be right not to celebrate it. What do you think?
Okay, thank you to all who have responded so quickly. He has contacted my husband via text and asked him to come by after work to talk without the parents. I am sure my inlaws are completely flipping out at this point, and likely won't let him get a word in. My husband is a little more level headed and not so quick to rush to judgement, and his brother knows that, so I'm sure that's why he is willing to talk to him. I am a little encouraged that he is willing to talk about it, so I hope it's not anything too serious. I told my husband to be supportive and to listen, but also to let him know that we are disappointed in how this played out and wish he would have come to us sooner. He will also let him know that, no matter the reason, there will be consequences for him skipping school, although they will depend on what's going on, and will be decided after my husband gets the chance to discuss all this with their parents.
As for the school... My father in law said that he did get a call yesterday, but that was the first one. I think they may have had the wrong # for the parents, but regardless, my husband is the primary in case of emergency contact and he was only first notified today of this string of absences. I'm unaware of any online means for tracking a student's attendance, but we'll be addressing this issue with the school. My husband will be trying to set up a meeting with the school for next week, and hopefully their parents can attend as well. I truly hope that nothing crazy is going on, and that somehow he can get caught up and continue on with school. Thanks again for your support!
As others have said - talk with him, talk with him, and Listen Listen Listen - in Private!! If you expect to find out what has been going on, he's not going to talk in front of several adults. Don't make any threats or proclamations of punishment until you know what has been happening with him!
First things first. Find out what is going on with the boy. Is he having a hard time adjusting to the riggers of high school? I ask this becuase my grandson is having this problem. He hasn't skipped 17 days in a row. But then the school would call his dad about it.
Get him all the help he needs to do the school work and a possible mentor to help him in navigating the hallways in school. Let him know that you all love him and want him to do the best he can be. Also let him know that all the missed homework has to be made up and it may require him attending summer school. Keep the tone matter of fact and no shouting or screaming at him. He already knows he screwed up and doesn't know how to fix it.
Secondly. Have a small celebration for the confirmation and not the big one. Save the money and maybe do something else once he is back on track academically.
The teen years are harder than the younger ones. Good luck to the family.
The other S.
Celebrate the Confirmation.
It's something that has gone right.
Then afterward, everyone take a deep breath and try to calmly talk to him and find out what is going on.
Collect all the info and data before making decisions about punishments.
Something is wrong somewhere and you need to get to the root of the problem.
You all need to come together and see what can be done about fixing it.
Yelling and screaming is not going to help.
He's in 9th grade and he might have to make up some time in summer school but he might be able to get back on track for next year.
It IS strange you have not heard about this till now (for 17 days?).
Even when my son stays home sick from school I get a call from the school the same afternoon stating that he was out of school today, send an excuse note in with him tomorrow.
Try to find out why the school has not called you sooner.
There must be something going on at school that he would not want to go. Please talk to him and don't accuse him of anything. There could be so many different reasons that he is doing this. Maybe you and your husband can speak to him first and see what he says.
What is this school--Flintstone High?
Don't they have a website that at the very least allows you to see unexcused absences? All school shave the auto-call that I know of....sheesh. You should have been made aware earlier.
Now--what to do? Sit this boy down and get to the bottom of this. Could be bullying, drugs, alcohol, personal stress....I don't know.
O. thing I do know--it's time to get the communication flowing!
Good luck to you guys and your young brother in law!
Personally, I would ask the boy to come to your home for dinner and you two can chat it up and eventually confront him about school. Who knows, maybe he's being bullied terribly?! Or he's horribly embarrassed about something. Or he's been too busy smoking pot. He's probably more apt to open up to two people rather than the whole family, especially if it's a personal problem. See what you two can do then and there to resolve the problem. It sounds like this is the first bad move the boy has made, so you'll have to cut him a little slack for that. Then talk to his parents and possibly involve the whole family if it's needed. I'd put the Confirmation dinner on the back burner for now. Having big-time life issues that keep you skipping school for 2 whole weeks is more important that a past accomplishment. Good luck!
If you really want to punish him, drive him to school, walk him to the door, make sure he goes in. After school meet him at the door and drive him home. If he cannot be responsible to get himself to school then treat him like a child. This would actually be the only time I think it would be acceptable to walk him to his first class.
I would imagine he would never skip school again.
If he's been a good kid generally, then PLEASE assume that he needs help, not punishment. There might be something going on at school that he is trying to avoid. OR, he might have gotten mixed up with a bad group of kids, but even in this case extreme punishment will only push him away from you and toward the bad bunch. I would recommend sitting down with him, telling him what you (his parents) have learned, saying that they are shocked and disappointed, and then saying something like "I know that this kind of behavior doesn't reflect who you are. I would like to know the reason for your behavior, especially if you need help. But you don't have to tell me right away. However, your actions do carry consequences and you will be (grounded, phone taken away, etc.). " I think a more immediate punishment would be even better. Something that is unpleasant but can be completed in a shorter period of time. Once the punishment is over, don't keep blaming him, bringing this up. If he is a good kid, he will right himself. I write this as an adult who was a pretty rebellious teenager. To this day I am grateful to my parents for cutting me some slack, not making me feel like a horrible, bad person for behaving badly sometimes, and allowing me to mature back to a "normal" person. I know everyone is upset, but try to be constructive.
You are right to be extremely concerned about this and i would use care approaching him and discussing this. In a perfect world (pre internet) a hardball approach could be taken and be effective but times are different now. I am NOT saying do not punish him because he of course deserves it. I am saying that there could be so much to the story here and the boy most likely needs your help, love and support now more than ever. Sorry but we have just had too many suicides in my area by teens lately for me not to want to sound alarms at this kind of behavior. I am not sure the intervention approach is a good one to take I would rather see your husband sit down with him just those two and discuss this first-before everyone is brought in, even you.
The idea of an "intervention" meeting with the adult siblings is, I think, a very good one. The boy apparently believes no one knows he has been missing school. I frankly am appalled that the school waited nearly twenty days -- twenty days! -- to call anyone.
At the family meeting, if the tone is accusatory and harsh, the boy will get instantly defensive and clam up and say nothing, or yell, or leave. Your husband needs to set the tone with the siblings and tell them in advance that they are there for support but he, your husband, will take the lead. And he should write out a script for himself -- seriously. If he talks off the cuff he may get angrier and/or more upset and things could degenerate into argument. A statement about his worry and fear would help; do you think the boy realizes how terrifyign it is for adults to wonder: What has he been doing all this time? And your husband needs to have a list of What Happens Next, which includes immediate return to school, whatever consequences the school has in store, and a consequence from the parents, such as grounding that MUST be enforceable so he is not sneaking out.
The adults have to listen, too. Has the kid been failing at school and he left out of fear of more failure? Has the kid been undergoing any bullying or other issues in school that made him leave? What has he been doing in the hours that his parents thought he was in school? Does he realize that now you have to ask whether he is doing or dealing drugs, who is he seeing during that time, is he in trouble with the law?
I would use his pride in his confirmation to emphasize that God wants children to respect their parents. And his parents now know he was not respecting them. If it would help -- is there a priest or pastor he really likes and respects? That person may be able to talk to him in ways the family cannot, or he may be truly sorry if he hears from that person how he has upset everyone. If he has a priest that he respects and likes, get that person involved to find out what he has been doing.
Reserve decison about the confirmation celebration until after the talk.
Please update us.
First you need to get the full story before choosing a punishment. I don't have teenagers but it wasn't that long ago I was a silly teen myself. Kids do funny things for funny reasons. Adults so rarely talk and listen to kids so adults tend to have no clue what's really going in their minds. It's easy to use our experience against them. Most of us did learn at some of our lessons the hard way and by doing some very wrong things. Why do we act shocked when teens to do the same?
Off the cuff it sure sounds like the child wants attention, he's hanging out with the wrong crowd OR both. A group of important people whom he respects should sit him down and while listening carefully have him explain himself. I would hesistate to pull the plug on the Confirmation dinner. The two aren't related and if you aren't careful, you will be justifying his rebellion by smacking him down too hard. Maybe you can tone down the celebration if necessary but I wouldn't cut it out entirely. I would instead use it against him. Explain to him it's clear he can achieve big things, i.e., the Confirmation, so what are his excuses for trying to flunk out of high school. Best wishes to your family.
why the harsh?
I suggest you sit down and TALK to him. Ask him what's going on and LISTEN to what he has to say.
Ask him what he wants to be when he grows up and how college fits into the plan. Ask him if he thinks he can accomplish his goals in life if he flunks out of high school, or has an expulsion on his record.
Ask him where he's been. And what he's been doing.
Is he in trouble?
Don't go straight to punishment. Find out what's going on and be supportive while you work on a plan to help him get back on the right track.
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ETA: CPS has an automated system that places a call to the contact EACH DAY that the student is not in school. Why is he just getting notified NOW?
What, that's ridiculous. Is this a private school? (a very hippy-dippy-relaxed private school?) I work at a 7-12 school with about 2500 students- absences get cleared DAILY. If the parent doesn't call to say why the kid is out and for how long, the school will call by the end of the day.
What kind of school waits THREE WEEKS to call up and check on the absence of one of their students? This is crazy.
OK but to answer your actual question about the confirmation, I agree that the accomplishment is separate from the skipping school thing. But I think this dinner should probably be an intervention instead. Yeah teenagers skip school sometimes but not three weeks SOLID. Something is UP with your brother-in-law and you guys have to find out what. Thats a red flag behavior. Good luck to you. I can tell you really care about the kid, and I bet you and your husband are positive role models for him.
Is he being bullied at school? Maybe that is why he's not going. I'd still do his celebration, make the child feel like he is important and by doing the celebration that not only shows him but tells him as well. If he's skipping school with other kids, he may have found himself mixed in with the wrong crowd as that is the group that is usually most accepting vs. the popular kids. Clearly some communication gaps are there which is why no one has noticed his behavior. He needs guidance and by cancelling his celebration I think sends the wrong message. You need him to recognize the good he's done in life, not take it away. Plus, he's a kid still, he needs to have validation that he's a good kid some times.
First of all, I would still let him celebrate the confirmation to an extent. Would still do dinner, but he would have to go straight home after and spend the rest of the evening in his room.
I would definitely ground him and take his cell phone for skipping school. And I would make arrangements with the school for you to be called any time he misses even 1 class.
While he's grounded, he would be my slave around the house and in the yard.
Good luck! Aren't teens just so much fun!
There is a reason, most definitely. The reason will determine the action to take. Such as ... skipping school because you're being mercilessly bullied vs. skipping school because you just don't want to go, etc.
Wow. My kids' school has an automated system that calls and lets us know if he is LATE for school. Sometimes the call is already on the answering machine when I get home from dropping him off. Sometimes he was only 1 minute late, but held up in the "tardy" office for 10 more, before he could get to homeroom.
I find that flabbergasting that he missed 20 days in a row and THIS is the first notification. Is it at all possible that he has somehow been intervening in the notification system? What has he been doing for 20 days?
How about finding out what is wrong rather than just punishing him. Why do there need to be 'appropriate consequences' beyond the natural ones. It sounds like his entire family will be disappointed and he may not graduate - sounds like more than enough to me. If this is completely new behavior for him there may be a real reason for it - maybe he is being bullied, maybe someone is abusing him, maybe he is dealing with personal or sexual/gender issues. Perhaps a friend of his has these problems and he doesn't know how to cope. You need more information.
I agree that the Confirmation is separate from the school issue. If he has been gone from school for so long, you need to find out why! I would guess that he is being harrassed, bullied, or into some bad things. Also, why hasn't the school called before now? I know that some cultures really don't value school, and so its not a big deal if the kids don't go, but it sounds like that is not the case here. I would find out what is going on before you decide a punishment. And, having an "intervention" might put him on the spot too much if there is something he is embarassed about, but if its because he is in with the wrong crowd then it is appropriate. I guess you need more information and then post it again here so we can help you when we know more about the whole situation. Don't do anything rash or in too much of a hurry until you know. He can understand that you need time to process what he tells you, this is part of high level thinking that teens need modeled, so this is a great teaching opportunity.
Something is up. I've never heard of an otherwise good kid skipping 17 days of school in a row without there being extenuating circumstances. I've also never heard of a school that waits 17 days to inform parents of a child being absent from classes.
Talk to him about what's going on before rushing to judgement and deciding on a punishment. You're putting the cart before the horse.
Let us know what happens & good luck!
I am amazed at what a wonderful supportive person you are. And I agree with everything you say, right down to the confirmation celebration. It is a separate issue. School is tough for teens these days definitely because there is a lot of pressure, but you sound like a great support. Good luck!
Definitely do the confirmation dinner. Sounds like he's looking for attention and why not reinforcers positive kind of what u will give him attention for. I would take the phone away. Tell him something along the lines that after u attend school for a week you can have that back. After u attend school for two weeks you can have your allowance back. I would also say tell me what's going on. Whatever his answer is like I hate school ask him. Or say tell me about it. Let him open up and say well it's too bar or the kids r mean or ask him about or say tell me who yourfriends r that he trusts or likes. We say tell me... And then a detailed question. Also it is good to validate whatever he says even if it makes no sense or is wrong or u think he is lieing
Can he actually graduate, or will he have to repeat a year?
It might help to have a counselor work with you. I also agree that the confirmation celebration should stand. You are hanging on a thread here with him dropping out of school. I hope you can get him back in.
It's a shame that the school didn't tell you within a day of him not attending. That's what our school does - plus an email to the family.
Dawn
You have to find out what is going on with him for not go to school for THREE WEEKS!
I'm truly shocked that your husband wasn't notified the first day that he had missed one class period. It has been so automatic here for years. Good luck.
