In My Mid 40'S, Getting Divorced

Through friends, through taking up a new or ignored hobby, speed-dating, online (match.com, OKcupid.com, etc.)

I divorced at 46 with a 5 year-old. I wanted adult male company and I found it. The men had no interaction with my child and I took no time away from her to see them. Now my daughter is 13 and I'm finally in a "real" relationship and it's lovely and he's met my entire family and all that. But I understand the need for adult male company. I think looking for a "relationship" right after a divorce can be a mistake, but sex is a need just like food, water, and shelter.

Really seems like you are more interested in dating than supporting yourself. I took the opposite approach, I worked on comfortably supporting my family and the men fell in place.

At your age men are not looking for women who need men, they are looking for the ones that don't need a man. If you are looking to have the life you had before again you will not be successful.

Sounds like you have a great attitude about your future, which is terrific. Confidence is a big part of the battle!

Take all of your volunteer activities - don't underestimate the value of them and the skills you used/developed - and turn them into bright spots on your resume. I know quite a few people who work as, or use the services of, coaches (life coaches, HR consultants, resume consultants, etc.) who help you present yourself (on paper and in person) in line with current expectations in the job market. They help you prep for the questions, refine your answers, etc. One friend who does resumes and is an HR consultant for employers too small to have their own staff (or who need extra people for an expansion or merger) cites her success rate (namely, getting your resume noticed so you at least get an interview). That would be something to look for in any person you consider hiring. The investment should pay off in helping you land a better job, sooner and at higher pay.

A lot of people use BNI and networking groups to help you make connections. A lot of people temp at first, either to get skills or to work in a temp-to-permanent setting. That's hard if you need child care because yo often get a temp call on short notice, but you can look into an ongoing temp assignment vs. a per diem sort of thing.

Hopefully you have a good lawyer and are getting appropriate child support to help cover day care costs - this is not entirely on you, you know.

I'd get those ducks in a row before you think about dating. You definitely need adult conversation though, so get together with friends on the weekends when your ex has the kids. Most of my newly-single friends have met the nicest men over time by doing things they enjoy doing, and meeting others who have the same interests. So rather than being "on the prowl", they've joined museums and churches/synagogues, done meet-up groups. gone to concerts or line dancing nights, joined a volunteer group or a hiking club, joined a gym, and so on. I know that sounds daunting if your time is so precious. My sister-in-law met her husband in Parents Without Partners. I do have one friend met her long-term boyfriend on Match.com (but she had to go through a lot of liars/losers first - her advice is, be honest!). But if you are busy doing things you like, you will more likely find interesting people who may or may not be your "match" but who have friends who are single. So don't be evaluating everyone as a potential mate, but as an interesting person who finds you interesting. My cousin met his wife when he was out with a big group of friends, and she showed up with friends of those friends, and well, the rest is history. The point is, they were all doing fun stuff and not specifically hunting for a mate or a date.

Good luck!

I'm sort of glad you mentioned it last because in the process of healing emotionally from the divorce, raising 2 young kids and getting your career going - worrying about dating again (before your divorce is even final) really IS the LAST thing you need to worry about.
After all your other ducks are in a row, there are several things you can do to meet people.
Parents Without Partners is one.
A friend of mine joined her local chamber of commerce to meet guys - it worked - she's been married to a business owner for more than 10 years now.

Hmm, okay I'll bite, though this post doesn't sound real...
I'm 46, getting divorced after 22 years of marriage (we split in December) and we have three kids, 22, 19 and 16.
I'm working part time making $12 an hour because the job is in a field I actually hope to build a career in.
I'm getting enough spousal support to pay my basic bills so that's not an issue.
As far as dating? Um, yeah, I'd love to meet a nice guy. But I've got a lot on my plate right now without worrying about "dating" anytime soon. There are literally not enough hours in the day to focus on that. Plus I still have my 16 year old every other week and have no interest in bringing men home while she's here.
So if I meet someone, great. I'm around a LOT of men at my job so that's a start.
I guess if I need to get laid I'll go out to a bar or dance place or whatever and pick someone up.
Just like in college, right?

Find someone to help with your resume.
I have a good friend that had just finished her RN degree & her husband lowered the boom. Good thing she has that education. Otherwise she'd be losing her home. What is your custody arrangement? Will child support cover child care costs?
That, I think, should be your #1 priority ( unless you have a big stash of cash or a trust fund, because a minimum wage job AND childcare isn't going to work--especially with summer around the corner.
I think this is the point where a lot of women get desperate and scared and try to snag any man with a paycheck. Not that you woukd, but please don't be O. of them. Raise your kids. Everything else will fall into place.

You are in the process of getting a divorce and yet you're already considering dating?

Have a thought for your children. They are still young, little. Maybe this is life telling you that for now, you don't need more romantic relationships? I mean, I've been newly divorced and understand that desire to reconnect-- that said, I didn't have children to think about, and I still took it slow.

I met my husband cultivating my own interests, reading at an open mike and getting to know him over months before we actually started dating. When you just get to be cool, chill out, and get to know someone before becoming involved with them, you have a better opportunity to know what's worth your time and attention. So, find an activity or class that meets some need in your life (creative, artistic, gaining knowledge in something you find meaningful) and just start there. Find YOU first.

i'm glad you're not running into men to date, because you're jumping the gun just a little. you're hanging out with friends, which is great, and trying to find a job, which is smart. stay with that, just for a while. at LEAST until you're divorced, and probably a year or two beyond.
your very young kids are still adjusting to a major life change. if the divorce is good for everybody, maybe it's a positive change for them, but nonetheless the upheaval is certainly very disruptive for them, and they need to be your focus for quite a while. i agree you need to get out of the house, but i hope you hold off on putting so much energy into finding men and let that come naturally. right now your kids need you more.
khairete
S.

I didn't go looking for men to date,. I just went out and did the things I enjoyed, and made friends of both sexes in the process. Some turned into dates, some remained friends.

As far as working you take what you can get and go from there. You can't expect to make much money at first, it's going to take time to earn a good income. You may need to go back to school (?)
As for dating, I don't think many quality men are going to be seriously interested in a jobless woman with two young kids in the middle of a divorce. You're putting the cart WAAAY before the horse.
If you just want some casual fun then do what someone else said and hit the bars when your kids are with their dad.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Seriously?? You're worried about dating and NOT your kids?? Can I call troll?? Sorry - but a REAL MOM wouldn't put her dating life FIRST....she'd put her KIDS first.

You don't date. You give yourself time to heal and get to know YOU post-divorce before you start trying to act like some hormone-raged teen.

How to find a job?? Well, go back to school. Get a certification or a degree. You can't expect to earn what you were earning before you stopped working. Unless you kept your skills up, which it doesn't sound like you did.

Prioritize...put your kids first. They deserve it.

I divorced when my daughter was four and I'm in my mid 40's (okay...late 40s) so my daughter is 21 now. When whe was your kids ages I spent a lot of time volunteering at the school on PTA, room mom and the school board. Then there were her ten years of softball. Yes, I worked before child and had to keep working but have a very flexible sales position and did not have to rely on child support.

We agreed to do it together and it has been completely reasonable, activities together and still live a mile apart. Neither of us dated for a long time and it was an eternity before she met any of them. Neither of us remarried.

Good luck!

You need to go to your state sight to see if you can get child care assistance. Most states have this to help encourage parents to go to work.

Some parents pay $50 per month or $100 per month. Depending on the income they could even pay more. That takes care of child care so finding a job that will support you even in a minimal style will be okay now.

You can also apply for food stamps and other assistance IF you or your kids need it. This hard time while you're transitioning won't last forever.

After your divorce is final and you have gotten secure in your solitude of course for the sake of your kids and your future relationships: The men are out there. LOTS of men are divorced from their high school sweethearts once their kids graduate. Lots. I'm 44 and have dated several since my divorce consecutively, and I'm in a pretty slow area for dating. I met them being out doing my thing with my kids, feeling fabulous (looong after painful divorce was over) and not wanting to get tied down. I met one at a neighbor's bbq. One at a friend's pool party. One I saw around at art events. All of them wanted to get serious and commit. I had to cut them loose.

I realized A) they were great guys and it's nice to get positive attention, but they were not compatible enough to make my life better, and weren't awesome enough to be a new dad to my kids and B) I do not have TIIIIIME. I was only getting together for night time dates 2-3 times per month after kids were in bed and I felt like it was sucking up the last remnants of my limited down time. It exhausted me.

As a mature woman, dating requirements are so different than they were earlier in life.

So now I'm SO HAPPY TO BE FREE. It will take a really incredible man to show up, knock me out of my precious solitude by force with his awesomeness and cause me to merge lives with someone ever again. I'm fine if it never happens. I just don't need a side kick. I realized on a boring day trip to NY with one guy (NYC is my old home turf and that "date" was the first time it was ever boring being there) that I wished I was there ALONE rocking and rolling. I love doing stuff myself and being in charge of my life. I'm NEVER lonely as a single mom of three with full custody.

Dating takes many forms. I have frustrated girlfriends who are forever trying to find men to date. And ones who never seem interested in men. I never even made it online because men kept popping up through friends and such and now I'm trying to avoid them. But online dating is a cool concept I may try one day. And some women meet husband #2 minutes after the first one exits....

Just make sure you're being the best person you can be and it will fall into place. Staying active in your community is important for meeting people. I do it for my kids but stumble into the men.