Moms, I am now in a community that I really love and make friends with all of the people there. I am very close with two girls,I consider them as my big sisters. Because now we are close,they told me they want to date. They are 39 and 36 now. They were sweet and nice, the problems are that we have no guy in the church to date. They both works from 8-6, and after that usually our church groups has prayer meetings, foster kids meeting, and so on. So, workplace and church are the only place they go. No guy though, either already married, already had gf or too young. They have tried to attend single night but it didn't work like they expected. Honestly,I didn't know what to say when they said this to me. I feel guilty for I married when I was young and being 10 years younger, I already have a son, while they said nobody asked them out to date since years ago.
Any advice mom? What should I say to them, and how could I help the
I told them that we must wait for the right guys. I must say I am clueless.
One of the girl's mother even insisted that her daughter must have eye and nose surgery. The girl told me that she feels ugly whenever she is around her mom. Her mom thought nobody likes her because her looks. Well, the girl has a beautiful heart. I don't know why the mom can't say something nice to her. I mean, social pressure is already hard. Why would you do that to her? They are Asians like me, too. Does this make it difficult to find a guy here, because Asians girls tend to be shy ? Thanks moms..
Update: they have no time for that. They are the seniors in this community and the mentors here. No matter how tired they are after work, they are expected to come. Unlike me, I am just a member but not the important people. I wanted to say they should join online dating,but how should I say that to them without making them offended or embarrassed?what is the good dating website?
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My friend met her husband when she joined her local chamber of commerce.
If there are no single eligible bachelors where they normally hang out, they are going to have to explore other areas in order to find what they are looking for.
If they don't want to make that effort, then they're not that interested in finding companionship.
After my first husband and I divorced I thought I would never date again. Two years later I met this guy just visiting Chicago and it was love at first sight. They will know when they've met the right guy even if it takes them awhile.
why are they limiteing their source to ju8st your church. They should free up some time and take up a hobby or join and internet dating site, or join an internet singles church group if thats what theyre into
They need to get out to different places. Also, I think the statistic is that 1 in 4 marriages these days start out online. They need to find at least one or two dating websites to start out. If they confine themselves to places where there are no men - they will be single.
When I was 35, I decided to move to Washington DC (because I always saw so many professional looking men without wedding rings on when riding the metro) and took on dating as my "career". That being said, I did work, in a job that I loved but wasn't super demanding. I joined two online sites and did lots of activities and clubs. I had 3-5 dates per week, visited lots of good restaurants and cafes, and got married 2 years after moving there.
C.
PS Being of a particular group only makes a difference if it makes a difference to them.
really?
i just can't imagine someone else seeking out a mate for me. it sounds so....archaic.
the situation does too, though. i mean, if your only social intercourse is work and prayer meetings, your opportunities are severely limited. rather than focusing on finding them husbands, how about encouraging them to widen their circles a bit? gyms, book clubs, tennis lessons, visiting the farmers' markets regularly, hiking clubs, volunteer groups, the lists are endless. and there's also the good old internet, which is becoming surprisingly successful at introductions.
the mom sounds like a fright, but it's not like you can do anything about her.
of course being asian doesn't make it difficult. the difficulty lies in never meeting new people, not in their ethnicity.
i just find this question a bit odd.
khairete
S.
They need to branch out... find a place other than church to meet guys - nice guys don't always go to church! But will start if they meet the right girl ;)
There are also websites for just jewish people, just christians, just catholics, etc. so they should look into that too. You don't say if they went to college... but alumni events are a great place to meet people too.
If they are not willing to venture outside of their work and church circles, then they won't be good catches, and any men they find won't be interested in them for long. They don't sound well-rounded or even available to do anything other than what they are doing. When they are ready, their lives will open up.
Seriously, leave them alone on the topic, or you'll just make yourself crazy and frustrated. If they're complaining, tell them that they like doing just what they're doing and will do something different as soon as this way becomes problematic. That's what humans do, at all ages.
Enjoy your life with your husband and do not let grown women detract from that. Women that age who feel the way they feel resent younger women who seem to have found what they feel they've paid THEIR dues to have. If you buy what they're selling, you'll look up and be alone and miserable with them. That's what this type of women do, suck the energy out of your good relationship so you can join their I'm-too-busy-taking-care-of-myself-and-serving-the-Lord-to-be-worried-about-tending-to-a-man and any-man-who-comes-into-my-life-is-just-gonna-have-to-understand-that-the-Lord's-work-comes-first duel martyrdom. It's a copout. Next thing you know, you'll be serving on those boards right alongside them minus your wedding ring and complaining about men not understanding and appreciating you. Don't get caught up in that mess.
If they truly want to get married, they MUST figure out a way to release themselves from some of the respoonsibilities they have taken on over the years. As you say, they are single and have no kids or a bf waiting, so people turn to them. How are they expected to be able to make time for dating if they are always busy with the church's needs? They have to make the decision that they have to make their own needs a priority.
It is very common in any community organization for a few people to carry the burden. It is not fair to them, but if they want to change it, they simply have to stand up for themselves.
If they are too busy, to visit other churches (thus more possibilities of meeting a Christian man), and they don't want to try Christian Singles, then you should just let it go...they are not interested.
Has it occurred to you that they may be happy as they are?
They have no time for what, to go out and meet people? I hate to say it but if they don't have time to go out and meet people then how are they going to date or have a relationship? Most people aren't interested in being with someone who works all day and then has additional obligations several evenings and on the weekend (unless of course they were also members of your church.) I mean, even if they were able to meet someone online (which is totally normal nowadays) they would still need to make time to date and get to know the person.
If they are really interested in meeting someone they need to be proactive and build some time into their schedule to work on that. I can't believe the church expects such relatively young women to be so committed that they can't give them the opportunity to find love and possibly a family of their own! That's just sad :(
E., you changed your name! I almost didn't recognize you. :)
I would let the ladies determine their own dating life. In the United States it might be considered meddling otherwise.
Well there are Christian Singles dating websites they can try. I have found that you have to be open to it and ready for you life to change in that manner. Once I announced to myself that I was really ready to find the one, the next man I dated ended up being it. So, they must be really ready and open in the heart and mind - as someone said be careful what you wish for and if time is an issue then suggest they try ChristianSingles.com (I think is the sight).
Updated
Well there are Christian Singles dating websites they can try. I have found that you have to be open to it and ready for you life to change in that manner. Once I announced to myself that I was really ready to find the one, the next man I dated ended up being it. So, they must be really ready and open in the heart and mind - as someone said be careful what you wish for and if time is an issue then suggest they try ChristianSingles.com (I think is the sight).
There is no shame in online dating! Tell them that is one of the best ways to find friends and potential dates----alot of people are doing that these days and I have several friends who married because of match.com or eharmony. Hope this helps and if your friend is self concious about her eyes and nose, take her for a makeover--new hair, makeup, outfits etc. and tell her that inner confidence will come out once she feels she is pretty and not to let anyone tell her she isn;t. GL
I'd recommend on line dating. My husband and I met online and my BIL met his wife on line. I think it where people go these days for exactly the reasons your friends should go. Expand their dating circle.
Match.com is a good one I think. They should not feel embarrised by doing this - it's the norm now. But I do understand there is a stigma attached to it.
I have read this a few times and tried to avoid this judgement - this 'community' seems a bit cult-ish. If I am reading this wrong I apologize for that judgement. I mean - 36 and 39 is young yet they are "seniors in the community and expected to be at these events" - why don't they have a choice?
So, if that is the case and they do not make a decision to make their own decisions there is not alot of advice to offer. At 36 and 39 they should be able to go to a gym or to other events to meet people, right?
EDIT - I read your SWH and I do apologize for the 'cultish' response - it just seemed like if they didn't have a choice to do things and HAD to do certain things......well, anyway, that's how I came up with my answer.
After reading the SWH I wholeheartedly agree with what Mamazita said.
I'd suggest a Christian dating website, they are definitely around. One of our long-time bachelor friends in his 40s finally found someone on a dating website. They're getting married this August and are a great match together. Other than that, everyone needs to choose their own life. It's not your job to find them mates.
If they truly want to meet a man to date and hopefully marry changes need to be made.
The young lady who's Mom told her she was unattractive needs to understand that attraction is mostly mental. It has so much less to do with looks as it has to do with personality. I am sure you can name several men or women who are beautiful to look at but are simply not nice people. Confidence is an attractive feature, not bragging, or being conceited but confident in who you are and what you know. The rest is window dressing. Take your friend out shopping help her to find clothes that enhance her figure and work with her skin tones. Stop at a make-up counter in a large department store and get a consultation and get a new hair-do. With the right clothes, make up, and hair style her beauty will leap out at you and everyone else.
If there is an expectation that the women in your community are to marry and have children and these women are too busy to meet suitable men then it is time to speak to your clergy. The clergy at your church need to understand that their dedication to the church and community are inhibiting their ability to meet men. They either need to cut back on their responsibilities or be placed in situations where they will meet men. Ask about the possibility of setting up a retreat with other parishes in your area. If they are given the opportunity to go to a church related activity maybe at a campground where everyone is to participate in group discussions and fun activities, even sitting by a campfire telling stories and singing will give the them chance to meet men.
I used to only look for men at church and found it to be very limiting. When I branched out and dated online and went to bars and outdoor events I met my husband. There have to be tons of opportunities through ASU. Maybe they could find a new church where they aren't expected to take care of everyone. Or perhaps they could say no once in awhile. If they are painfully shy they may need help with that first.
