In-Laws...MY GOODNESS.

Can't change people or "make them" do anything.
Only you actions & reactions, right?

O. day you'll miss her (them).
Repeat that like a mantra! (Clench teeth if necessary.)
Karma is precise! Lol

Just be happy they dont live 5 minutes away... like mine do. My dh at least wont pay for anything for them though. He used to give them money, but I put my foot down about that. He said its actually a relief, since he can tell them no now without being the bad guy. The other stuff you might just have to put up with, but she should be paying her own plane ticket to come visit, imo.

Been there, done that. It sucks. My in-laws lived about 15 minutes from us and we rarely (if ever) saw them for a visit... only for "gift giving occasions". No thank yous (verbal or written), ever. My MIL is entirely focused on her daughter's children... cookie cutters of eachother.... and their children. Very little (if any focus) on our children and to this day I don't think she knows what my husband does for a living. What did we do? Smiled and dealt with it... then moved across the country to be closer to my family.

It's ten days out of a year. She's insecure and doesn't know what to do around you because you are likely a very competent wife, mother and professional. You do it all day by yourself (unlike your SIL) and she doesn't know what to do to "help" you because you "have it under control". You have two choices... let it go or ask her to help in ways that you would actually find helpful.

1. Ask her to make your husband's favorite meal and then praise her outcome. When I did this, I noticed that my MIL's dinner invites increased significantly. She started calling us once a month or so to come have dinner for "no reason" other than she felt like making ____.
2. Invite her to spend a day with your daughter when she's in town. We bought a set of tickets to Max & Ruby when my son was 3. I called her and let her know that we had 2 tickets and thought she might like to take him. She took him and they had a great time. She never would have done it on her own, but when I "forced her" to do it, they had a blast!
3. Create something that YOU need to do while she's there and ask her to watch your daughter for an hour or two while you do it. Our family was invited to a Bar Mitzvah and I didn't want to take the baby. I called her and asked her to take the baby for the afternoon. Again, she would not have offered, but when I asked, she gladly took her.
4. Stop buying and sending unappreciated gifts. We did. I started giving a gift card b/c honestly... they never appreciated a gift that we selected (even when it was what they supposedly wanted), so I stopped putting any effort into it. Gift card or cash in a card.

Hmm, another point of view.
1) It's all about vaca in Cali - Maybe she's used to being on the go, and feels awkward and in the way sitting around in your house, so she's trying to come up with things to do. If you don't want her to spend time shopping, plan other things to do - the park, the zoo, whatever is around you. Fill up every day with things that will make good memories, and there's no time to shop.
2) She probably can't read your mind, and since she's picked up vibes that she annoys you, she probably doesn't want to step on your toes by doing things you don't want her to do. If you need help with something, ask. Don't get mad when she doesn't just chip in with household stuff.
3) Things your daughter does reminds her a lot of the things her other grandkids do. So she talks about them. Sounds pretty natural to me.
4) You were busy with your friends inside at the party and perhaps she felt out of place, so she stepped outside to talk (yes, it was her party, but it was your friends who were there, right?). After all, she wanted to talk to her daughter, with whom she's close, on her birthday.

I'm not saying that your MIL is a fabulous person to spend time with or that any of this is your fault. The two of you clearly don't 'click', and that's ok. It's not her fault or yours. But the way to keep from spreading a negative attitude about her to your daughter is to try to give your MILs actions the benefit of the doubt.

For the gifts that are shipped and not acknowledged, I'd simply give SIL a call and ask - hey, I shipped some gifts. Did you receive them? I didn't hear from you and I'd hate to think they were lost in the mail. If you do that every time, maybe she'll get the point. Or, you can stop sending them and if she asks, simply say you didn't think the kids appreciated them since you never got any thanks. Either response is fine.

But let go of the negativity. They are who they are, you can only change your response to them.

Boundaries. For her behavior and yours. She is not a good grandma or house guest. It stresses you out and stresses your budget to do the things you do for her.

I know you wish for one good grandma relationship. So did many of us.
Find one that can substitute.

Apparently gratitude does not run in this family. You have to stop being generous to the point that is breeds resentment. That's the only thing that YOU can change. Pull back. But it's going to take courage from you to do that. It's easier to do everything and be passive/aggressive about it later than it does to just stop being overboard in your giving. If you really want her to be appreciative than she has to invest in this time with you herself.
Let her save up for her ticket. You can give her $50 for mothers day and her birthday and several other times. If she wants to come she can save it up. Just like you would. Sometimes barriers are put in your way to see how bad you really want something. If she doesn't want it, she doesn't want it.

Are the gifts to your sil about your generosity or your guilt or your need to please? Pull back. Believe me sometimes people would just rather not have things than be obligated. Sad but true. Stop over giving.

The negativity will dry up if you stop the one way flow of the gifts.

She talks about the grandkids she sees daily because that's how she can participate in the conversation. She probably doesn't mean anything by it and probably doesn't even realize how much she does it. And if she does, she probably tells herself every night that she's not going to do it tomorrow, but old habits die hard.

I am a grandmother and I can picture myself doing some of that without even realizing.

Your MIL is a guest. Do you really expect your guests to cook and clean? She came to visit; not help with household chores. She's probably not sure what, if anything, you would like her to do. If you really want her to cook and clean, you should say something. If you don't and she doesn't do anything, you have no one to blame but yourself. At times like those, I suggest you go into the bathroom and give that girl in the mirror hell because your MIL can't read your mind!

I think you need to put on your big girl pants! And remember, one day you will be the MIL/grandma. Do unto others.......

When ever people start off about their in laws I usually ask one question, would you react the same to these issues if it was your own mother? Or would you make allowanced for certain behaviors because she is your mother? Now put yourself in your husbands shoes.

Very limited comment. If I saw you stripping a poopy bed, I wouldn't be very eager to jump in. If you wanted her help, you could should ask for it, and in very concrete ways. i.e. MIL, I've got my hands unexpectedly full because of this poopy incident, and I've still got to get myself ready for work, it would be a real help if you could feed my daughter breakfast, and get her dressed. Then bite your tongue on what she chooses to feed her, and what she clothes her in. Be sure to thank her plenty when she does.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Hi S.,
I didn't read all the other responses thoroughly but here's my 2 cents.

Basically I have a dysfunctional family and I'm learning to do what works for ME and my girls. Even if that means making a few people mad. Setting boundaries is a process but it will pay off in the long run. It's not easy or perfect but I'm learning as I go :)

First I would talk about all the things that bother you with your husband that you shared in your post. It doesn't sound like he's being receptive to your complaints. Or he's just a bit laid back about the whole thing.

Have you used I feel statements when talking with him? Like, I feel taken advantage of...or I feel worn out and exhausted when I do the cooking and cleaning when MIL comes to visit...etc.

Make sure you and your husband are on the same page, plan what concerns you both want to address and then follow thru. Work together as a team to set some boundaries. Write it down if you have to. But don't forget to tell him how you feel, what you need from him ( example: I need your help when cooking meals, etc) and listen to his side of things too.

It is you and your husbands responsibility to set boundaries with SIL and MIL. Not just you alone. Once they are put in place your visit won't be so stressful.

Airline tickets: These are expensive. Can your husband tell his mom next time: mom, I know in the past we've bought your tickets for you. We'd like to cut back on some expenses and we'd like you to pay your way from now on.

Restaurants: Again, this gets expensive to pay for everytime! Let your husband handle this too. He could say, mom we enjoy eating out with you but I'd like to go dutch this time. Or just ask for seperate checks at the end of the meal.

Cooking Meals & Cleaning: This is SO exhausting when you have company. First what does your husband do to help? Then if your MIL or SIL are there just simply ask them to help out once in a while. Ask them to set the table or cut the veggies. Whatever works. There is nothing wrong with asking and there's no reason for them to say no. But they aren't going to know what you need unless you ask. One time my SIL came for a visit and she came up with a plan on doing the dishes. She said she would load the dishwasher if someone else unloaded it each day. This worked out really well for us.

Keeping your daughter up late: I would do what is best for your daughter. Is it worth it to keep her up late and then have to deal with her being cranky the next day too?

Sending gifts: Keep is simple! Send gift cards and if it gets expensive don't send gifts anymore. We stopped giving to all our neices and nephews because it just got to be too espensive and time consuming. And ours are all out of state too.

Lastly, when you get a chance read the book Boundaries by Townsend & Cloud. It will help you in a lot of ways, not just with family dynamics.

HTH!

Good luck!

She knows how to push your buttons. So she does it.

Instead of expecting her to read your mind or just chip in - ASK!

When my Mother in Law was alive - she would come down to visit for a weekend. Yeah, it could be a pain in the rear, but I tried not to let her upset me.

My parents now? if they come here - damn - my house is cleaned EVERY DAY...dusted, mopped, etc. my mom waits on me...I have had to tell her to STOP!!! She wants to feel useful. Sounds like your mother in law doesn't want to be useful.

If the guest of honor had stepped out on the balcony to make a phone call? Yeah. I'm bold. I would have gone out and said "this party is for you. I expect you to be in there." or "OH MY GOD!! Did someone die?! is there some sort of an emergency that would take you away from YOUR birthday party!?!??!?!"

Your husband needs to step up to the plate. She is his mother.

If you aren't getting thank you notes or even a call of thanks for presents? Stop sending them. Really. STOP. If they question if everything is okay - tell them - you weren't sure they were getting them because no one acknowledges them with a note of thanks or even a phone call.

Have no expectations. Do not allow her to push your buttons. Tell her your schedule. Go shopping BEFORE she gets there and tell her you hope she is excited about the items you have purchased...

Your daughter will figure it out for herself. Don't talk about her and don't let the conversations about the other grand kids linger...talk about your daughter and her best attributes. Shut her up about the others...don't make it a competition. Tell her - you are here to spend time with Jane...not compare her to the others.

You can do this. Attitude is everything!!

good luck!

My MIL and I didn't get along for a LONG time...we still have our moments. BUT, she and I have learned our roles in each others lives and respect them.

My husband is her first son, and her only child for 6 years. He was a HUGE help to her in being a single mother and raising three kids (my BIL and SIL were born in January and December of the same year). My husband left home at 18 to join the Navy and has never been back, he is 47 now. It's important for her to get to see him and talk to him ,as well as our kids. With her being in Southern Mississippi, and us in MD, it doesn't happen too often. We aim to make the family reunions every other year (different locations) and she comes to see us sometimes. However, we pay our own way to see her and she pays her own way to see us.

When she is here, we will take her out to do things and not make her pay her own way. But we do not take her shopping for clothes and other material items and pay for them.

When we visit her, she pays for the good she makes for us at her home, and we are a family of 5, so it's an extra cost on her.

It comes down to respect. You need to learn your place and she needs to learn her place and things will roll smoothly. Your husband needs to step in and help direct you two, for lack of a better term, so you guys can interact better.

I am very respectful of others personal space and others homes, due to being raised by a perfectionist/ hoarder and getting screamed at for doing the laundry wrong etc. So i wouldnt' have jumped in to help either but i certainly would have fed dd breakfast if you asked nicely.

Maybe i'm misunderstanding but if MIL lives out of state whose "friends" did you invite to her party? I HATE socializing with people i don't know or don't know very well. even DH's "friends" make me very uncomfortable. It was rude of her to be on the phone but you know her personality best was she just uncomfortable and used that as an escape?

i'm always surprised when people say the guest demands special groceries, I think that is very generous of you. and she should be grateful.

I would expect her to talk more about the people she sees every day, If you dont want her to talk about the other kids, then, do you or DH call her every week and keep her updated on what your kids are doing? and do you guide her converstations back around you your kids, My Dh expects his 90 you grandma in a nursing home to have lots to talk to him about, but the only thing that changes in her day is the color of jello she had for lunch, so what the heck does he expect her to talk about. I might say just take a deep breath and realize her life is pretty small if all she has to talk to you about is her other grandkids, maybe she does home and yaps about yours until your sil can't stand it.

I think as long as you are aware of your feelings and are working to be open for your dd's sake then you are doing good. you don't have to love her as you do your own mom but you have to give her a bit of credit for doing the best she could raising the man you love, and for what ever amount of love she can show your child. when your little one grows up she can make up her own mind about grandma, and any positiveness you can show your mil is a blessing to your child. ( i only say that because she seems mildly annoying not over the edge of narcissim and abusive ness)

Be thankful you only have to host her one time per year. She probably talks non-stop about the other grandkids because that's all she knows. Her life likely revolves around them 24/7. Sounds like she and your sister are co-dependent. (?)

Anyway, not much you can do. Ratchet down on the opportunities for her to spend your money as much as possible, such as getting the shopping done before she comes.

Thanks for the responses! Part of the reason I'm disappointed with her behavior is because my own mother is WAY worse (DD is almost 2 and she STILL hasn't seen her), and I really want my daughter to have that "fun" grandma experience. I don't doubt that my MIL loves her granddaughter; I just find her behavior to be annoying while she is here, and while we are in FL visiting her. I will take the advice given! I agree that my husband should take a more active role while she visits (this time around, he claimed he couldn't get any vacation days and only scheduled 2 days off in 10). I try my best to be assertive with her. I actually did ask that she feed her breakfast while I attended to the mess - and I get the thing about personal space; I don't however get the part where she stared at it like a car wreck, instead of giving me space to clean up and handle it. The friends that we invited to her bday party were people she had met before - and both of them have been more loving and kind to my daughter than most of our combined family. Thank God they are in her life!

Updated

Gee Cheryl. I suppose you completely overlooked my disclaimer that my post was more a rant/vent than looking for a solution - although I did get some helpful advice and perspective, of which you did not contribute. I'm sorry if the planet you live on suggests that a person who is on a long stay in a family member's home, who happens to have a small child, never lift a finger to do nor pay for anything, while expecting to be catered on hand and foot and having their every whim attended to - because that's not the norm on this planet. Anyhoo, it's unfortunate that what was intended as an anonymous way for me to let off steam moved you to play the trite "big girl pants" card, but it is to be expected, I suppose. Hopefully you're a nicer real-life grandmother than you are on the Internet.

I would just accept that she is who she is and stop trying so hard.
Obviously nothing you do is going to please her so why keep going out of your way? People really DON'T change.
My own mother doesn't even try to have a relationship with my kids and the rare times she visits she spends all her time smoking and sulking outside (she thinks it's ridiculous I don't allow smoking in the house.)
Do your shopping before she arrives so she doesn't get the opportunity to "fill up your cart." I always do my shopping BEFORE house guests arrive. If she wants or needs to go to the store for anything else your husband can take her.
Sadly relationships can't be forced. Be kind, be a good hostess but stop expecting her to be anything other than who she is and you will be a LOT happier.

Don't do anything for them anymore or go out of your way for them.
Let your Husband do it.

What is your Husband doing anyway, to help when his Mom is visiting you?

And he's right, that is the way they, are. His family.
And if he wants to go broke, spending money on his Mom for every little thing while she is there, then that is his choice.
BUT don't you both talk about budget?
I did that when my Husband's SIL and niece were here visiting us.
I told him, we CANNOT be buying them everything. We have limited budgets. They surely have their own spending money too for their own vacation. Of which staying at our house, is also saving them money on a hotel. Because, they did... think that we would be buying them everything and had presumptions about it when they cam to stay with us.
Or you just say "no, we can't afford that..."

Your In Laws are the way they are.
Relative or not, not everyone is nice and gracious.
So that is what you teach, your child.
So that, a child can discern people/situations too, and learn....about people.
I have some... icky relatives. My kids know that. I don't bad mouth them and I don't make excuses for them... but I make sure that my kids learn about people, and that relatives or not, not everyone is a Hallmark card. And not everyone, has Hallmark relationships. Some people are nice, some are not. Some are mannered, some are rude.

And if your Husband cannot, speak up or stand up to them, then they will be that way. Even if he did speak up, that is no guarantee they will be nicer to you all.

OMG you just described my own mother. Are we related?! LOL

Unfortunately, it got so bad between my mom and I that we no longer speak, almost 6 months now. I extended an olive branch half a dozen times and she refuses, so I have accepted that the issue now lies with her and I've done my part.

For your set of circumstances, I would stand firm and say that you and your husband will no longer pay for her visits to your home. And that includes any luxuries she insists on (ie, the shopping trips and fancy dinners). And your husband needs to take your side. If he doesn't, then you have to decide if you are willing to stand by a man that chooses his mommy over you.

Good luck.

I live your life in a very similar way and just wanted to say I get it and I feel for you. I now leave EVERYTHING of any contact up to my husband...other than sending out the gifts or cards "for" him. I have my daughter send a sweet craft or special picture that is placed in there but if it's Mother's Day its from him not me. I have removed myself in many ways because I just could do "rude" anymore. You are to be applauded for having her in your home and continuing to open yourself and your life up to this. I just got a point where I was ready for any questions with all of the answers if she ever decided to ask what changed...I was done being the only one with manners or extending myself...

Oh and yes when I gave birth to my daugher mine came over and sat on the sofa...she brought nothing and when I got up to make a sandwich she asked if I could make her one too...she then asked if next time I could have Iced Tea for her because she loves Iced Tea....hmmm...

:) The best of luck to you

My MIL sounds a lot like your MIL, minus the snippy commentary - it's not that she's self-centered as much as I think she is just kind of clueless to the emotions of others and how to respond. You don't really get any positive or negative either way. For example, DH's sister was telling us how she got a promotion at work - when she told their mother about it, she just kind of said, "Uh huh." and that was it - no congrats, oh that's great, etc. However, she sometimes is quick to take offense if she feels others are not treating her as nicely as she would expect.

We moved out of state and flew her out once to visit for 5 days. We spent the time touring around different places that we figured she would find interesting and overall it was a decent visit. DH's sister was surprised that she didn't do something weird or obnoxious or whatever but then figured it was because we kept her busy. As our guest, we paid for her admission to places we went to (like museums) and for meals out, but no way were we taking her on some shopping spree. Whatever postcards or other stuff she wanted to get, she got herself. She did spend a LOT of time talking about her other grandkids, but I think it was more because she sees them more often, and also partially because she probably didn't know what else to talk about. It actually started to wear on DH's nerves but it was such a short period of time that she was with us that we figured it was not worth saying anything.

So maybe she's not so much a bad person as much she just doesn't get it - only you and DH can decide if it's worth saying something and if it will change anything. It may be true that "that's just now she is" because that's how my MIL is and she's not changing - if someone were to actually point out what she was doing and how it affected them, she would probably get all bent out of shape. However, it would be nice if your DH would see your side of things and support you more. Maybe because it's just once a year, he doesn't see it as any big deal. I would recommend trying to meet somewhere in the middle - pay for the plane ticket, some outings, but her shopping trips are on her own dime. Be civil but stop bending over backwards to show her a good time. If she just keeps yammering on about your SIL's kids, just say, "Oh, that's nice" and leave it at that. Your daughter probably won't feel "second rate" if she's not around her and the cousins all the time.

And as for the lack of acknowledgement and thanks from your SIL regarding the gifts you send, THAT I would stop. No reason to continue to put yourself out there if they are not going to appreciate it.

Actually, I have been through this. My MIL came from out of state last summer and stayed 4 days with us. We took her to CA and stayed at a hotel on the beach with her and my husbands daughter (her oldest grandchild) in one room, and my husband and myself and my 2 kids in the other. We spent a fortune on that trip. She did not pay ONE penny for anything. Not a tank of gas, a meal, souvenirs for the kids, etc. Not even her own grandchild that she has only seen TWICE before in 17 her years. And, when we ate out, she ordered the most expensive thing WITH extras. We felt taken advantage of for sure. So this year she mentioned to my husband she was going to come for a "visit" this summer. My husband stood up to her, told her how we felt about her last trip and basically said since we were moving this summer it was not a good time for her to visit, maybe next year. So I totally get what you are saying. Some people are selfish and self centered. It doesn't mean we have to continue to cater to them once we know this about them. If I were you, I would just simply tell her you are not in a financial place to pay for her trips out there and if she would like to visit, she can do so at her expense and for a week MAX. There are Skype and others ways she can be in touch with your child so I would not feel obligated to either the MIL or SIL. Keep phone calls and everything to a limit. I know its easier said than done, but if your husband can agree, you should be able to do it. Good luck.