the history: L's husband was my mil's brother. he passed away 3 years ago.
L just asked me if anyone in the family was mad at her, said she felt like they were upset at her about something but not actually saying they were mad.
i asked dh what he thought was going on and he said grandma is not been doing well (she is 89) and that mil and her siblings were busy taking care of her. so i let L know this. she responded that she feels they are mad that shes not helping. so i responded that if she feels the need she could offer her help. but that they have always politely declined needing help.
the question: do i talk to mil about it to see if they are angry and let L know or just leave it as it is and say nothing more?
this is such an awkward situation that i am in i feel like i should talk to mil and get it all resolved but at the same time i want L to talk to them herself and leave me out of the drama. but she steped out of her comfort zone to ask me so i feel like its my duity to do something... but if i don't do the right thing i may jepordize the confidence that L has in asking me. so i don't know what to do.
if you don't understand the situation please ask questions. don't just answer with something mean or crazy.
thank you all for the responses!
i talked to mil. she said oh i am so sorry she has dragged you into this... she does this often and has since the day i met her. if she does it again just tell her no one is mad at her and move on. she goes thru periods where she thinks everyone is mad at her.
so i am glad i talked to mil and i am armed with a response for the next time!
If you are close to MIL and feel like you can ask her in a way that won't inflame things, then do it. Maybe something like, "Do you want anyone else to help out?" Or something generic that doesn't point fingers.
Invite both MIL and L over for lunch or coffee and have them talk it over. Mediate if you need to but have L ask MIL if someone is mad at her and why.
Let the two of them talk it all out.
Not your circus. Not your monkeys.
In other words, this is drama waiting to happen and you should stay out of it. If L wants to know what someone thinks of her, she should ask that person directly.
I can't really follow the situation, but I can tell you this advice that is usually best for all situations - if L is concerned with a specific person or topic, she should speak directly to the person in question about the exact nature of her concern.
Tell this to L - that you have no idea what other people think and she needs to talk to them directly.The most useful thing you can do for her is to not take on any drama - imaginary or real - upon yourself.
Remember that childhood game of "telephone"? How the message was always mixed up after going thru several people?
Same here.
Advise "L" to speak with your MIL and clear the air.
Best advice? STAY OUT OF IT!
Well, I always feel kind of used in those situations.
Sounds like L is passive aggressive. Coming to you as that victim thing - so and so isn't being nice to me ... and wanting you to feel badly for her and go to MIL for her.
Leave inlaw drama to your husband (I do). Your MIL may see you as meddling.
I wouldn't worry about L feeling like she can't come to you. It's not really nice when people put you in the middle like that. This has nothing to do with you.
I would just say in future "sorry, I think it would better if you two talked and sorted this out between yourselves ... I'm not that comfortable being the go-between".
(I have an inlaw family member who does same to me, and I run now ..). It's not kind for people to put you in that position.
Good luck :) Hope that was helpful
Stay out of it. There is no reason for you to need to smooth things over. I'd personally be annoyed with someone who hides behind "they're mad at me" but isn't willing to go talk to that person. Why *should* you be the one to fix this?
Not your problem. Leave it alone. If anyone should address it or work on it, let it be your husband's business.
I would stay out of it. Encourage L to talk with the family on her own, but otherwise it is not your duty or responsibility to smooth things over or reach out or resolve anything.
It's a bit concerning that L is not mindful of the fact that they are dealing with the decline of Grandma and also not recognizing that now is probably not the time to make things all about herself. That said, if I were you, I'd be firm about telling her, "Look, L, it's really not about you. Everyone is feeling emotional about Grandma and trying to deal with that. It's hard to deal with the impending loss of a loved one. Really, it's NOT about YOU."
Get out of the middle of grown folks business. If L is thinking family is mad at her, she should be grown enough to talk to them about it and not you.It seems to me like L is bating you for tragedy or family drama.
When L calls you direct her to speak with them. If she wants to talk to you about them decline having that conversation and direct her to talk directly to them. Let her know you don't feel comfortable talking about this subject and don't care to discuss this particular topic.
If you are bold, call a family meeting with all the players and encourage them to hash it out or at the least encourage her to have a dialog with them about what she is feeling.
Whatever you do from this point forward should involve you getting out of the middle of the drama in her mind.
I have a feeling what ever you say will some how get stirred around and end up making you the one who 'started' the drama.
These are grown women who would be hanging out if they liked each others company.
The suggestion of inviting both to an outing or even over to your home for a get together is a kind gesture.
In general when someone comes talk to me about a situation in which I am not directly involved, I stay neutral and listen. I listen attentively because a lot of times that is the best remedy. I offer advice and support as appropriate and as seems to be wanted or needed. But I make it very clear I am not going to be going on any peacekeeping missions on his or her behalf. I am open to any discussions, venting, mulling over, role playing, hashing out this person may want but never ever do I interfere. You never know what you might be opening yourself up to if you step in on behalf of someone.
In your case I would keep listening to L but I wouldn't talk to the MIL on her behalf. Good luck.
I don't know. There is a time and place. I feel it isn't that time or place to bring up issues. Especially if a person in a family is very ill. Why would you bother them with a petty issue? I wouldn't want to bother my own mother- in- law about someone feeling bad that they aren't talked to or having them decline her help in a situation. I'd tell L, that she should send a card , offering help or prayers and that they are in her thoughts. i wouldn't get in the middle, nor would I feel that I had to say something because they came to me asking for help.
It's common sense to not bother people when they are going through a very emotional period.
In most cases, it's best to let people handle things directly. Once you start acting as a go-between, you may become entrenched in something that morphs into a situation that is much bigger and takes on a life of its own. L is an adult who should be handling her own interpersonal issues.
It is not your "duty" to fix whatever the problem might be. There might not even be one!
On the other hand, if there is some history that you're unaware of, you could really end up getting yourself stuck in the middle of something that has nothing to do with you, and this could cause all kinds of unwanted divisions in the family.
When L brings up the subject, just encourage her to keep in contact with your in-laws and also to offer help. I wouldn't engage in lengthy conversations about this, but if she persists, you should encourage her to talk directly to your in-laws.
Again, unless there is some life or death situation or the people involved are cognitively compromised (dementia), they should be handling their own relationship/interpersonal issues.
Best to you.
J. F.
I'd probably try to find the most likely to talk and tell them you had an odd conversation with L. Ask them if they know anything that would help you give them advice. This way you might figure out if someone said something or someone did something.
per your SWH: good job on open communication, and I'm glad your MIL had an explanation that made sense. For future reference, this is what's called starting drama, and my advice (which would have been the same before your SWH) is to stay out of it. Period.
Takinig care of someone can take all the time you have available. L might feel left out. Any chance the 2 of you could take MIL to lunch or even for 15 minute coffee? How long has it been since MIL and L have seen each other. Maybe she could offer to help out or run an errand or somehting, tell them she misses seeing them.Breaking the ice a bit might help start things along.
What was L's relationship with her MIL and rest of the in-laws after her husband died? If she was still very close, it would be kind of her to help out even if it's declined. Instead of helping take care of the MIL directly, she could do something nice for the siblings who are spending their time to care for MIL. Delivering them dinner if they've been at MIL's all day would be nice.
The other side is that if the siblings are too stressed out to give L the attention or time she normally gets, could she take this to mean that they are mad at her? Social niceties usually get put by the wayside in times of extreme stress.
Regardless, she is an adult and she should either just step in and do something or talk to the siblings herself. You should definitely stay out of creating any drama during a very difficult time for your family and let L take the lead. The fact that you are being a sounding board for her is plenty.
Our family is going through a similar situation and one of the relatives has given the "call if you need anything" line versus just stepping up. The immediate family member dealing with the crisis doesn't value this much.
You're very nice to want to help, but since L went through a tragedy not too long ago, she should have an idea of what is helpful and what is not.
