In-Laws Vs. My Family

OMG - I so feel for you. Unfortunately I have no advice for you - because I struggle with the same situation, but in reverse. It's my husband's family that sees every event as a reason to throw a huge raging party, and its my family that does not want any part of it. For my daughter's baptism, my parents came the day before, went to church with us eventhough they are not Catholic, and then left before the massive back yard party got started. My in laws, though very Catholic, did not bother coming to the baptism - the spent the time setting up the back yard for all their family that was coming - that they had to impress. SO SAD really! And who is always left paying most of the cost and doing the clean up? Me and my husband. I am so partied out, but there is nothing I can do, and my family just does not bother showing up anymore. I don't have a solution like I said - just want you to know that I can understand your dilemna. Good luck and just make sure no matter what happens, you enjoy your little guy's baptism :-)

Dear J.,

What a dilema. To coin a song, "You can't please everyone, so you might as well please yourself."

Sweetie, if you don't put your foot down, your family will be running you life forever. I know you love your family, but to have your own mother do what she did for your wedding reception should have helped you draw your line. Gary's family seems to be the moderate sort.

If you feel you must please your side of the family but do not want to incur the expense, I'd tell your mom exactly that. If you want a party you'd be happy with you can have it at your place but your mom must invite and be pleasantly tolerate of Gary's family or you won't attend. If this is not acceptable: you will be having a small, intimate, immediate family members only, "Coffee" after the ceremony. PERIOD!

Now they may make things very unpleasant but how will you ever get out of the Yoke they have placed you in. This is your life and your family!

Pray about it and hope for the best and prepare for the nashing of teeth.

Good Luck ~ F.

J.,
I feel your pain. Your mother sounds like my m-i-l, of which I have not spoke to for 3 (wonderful) years. The absolute bottom line is that you and your husband have to do things your way. You are a family now and it is your choice on who you invite to what and where. You will never be able to please everyone all the time, so forget trying. You, Gary, and Caleb are the ones that you need to worry about 'keeping' happy. It might be tough, but is the inside of your house more important or the outside?! Feel free to contact me if you need any advise or support. Best of Luck and CONGRATULATIONS on your Gift from God!

Hi J.:
I have to agree with Lisa,in that You now have A (FAMILY OF YOUR OWN) to think about.You know, they say that one of the most difficult words for some individuals to say is (NO)I don't know why,so many feel the need to come up with an (excuse).Its as though you live life (walking on egg shells)Being very careful, not to disapoint anyone.My gosh,people even make up excuses for strangers! I'm guilty of this myself.I've had people come to my door and ask me to donate,for this or that, and i've made up some lame excuse,like(My hubby took off with the money!What the hell? I don't owe this person any explanation! Why am I so concerned about turning down a complete stranger?Don't I think they have heard the word (NO) before? Is it because I don't think they can handle the rejection? Your family,more than anyone else on this earth, should be understanding and sympathetic to your needs.You are married now and you have a husband and baby, that require your love and attention. You have A routine,so that your homelife runs as smoothly as possible.You need to tell them,(NO) sometimes. (No) "I haven't the time" (No) "The baby needs his sleep".(NO) "Gary and I need some alone time tonight".How about just (NO) "I don't feel like it" People need to start practicing in the mirror!Stand in front of it,and as pleasant as you can, say NO THANK YOU) If your family refuses to understand,then oh well.(You have your new family)that Love You,no matter what. Right? The very best to you J..

It's nice that you are thinking of your families but it really comes down to what you want and as you recognized there will be many more events in your life where this will come up so you might as well set the precedent now. You have to tell you Mom how you feel and let her know that you love her/them and want to be considerate to their desires but this is what you want. Maybe for this one, have a small reception at a place with set hours on the invite and then find an excuse for you to go somewhere else - not home so the party doesn't continue there. If you're not confortable speaking directly then your actions will speak for you. Have the celebration you want and if she doesn't agree, then let her be. Ignore her calls whatever but don't try to appease her at your expense. If your concern is money, then be honest with you mom and ask if she can help organize a potluck. And if you really don't want big parties, then don't feel bad if your mom chooses to have her own. If people leave your party to go to hers, it's hurtful, yes, but that says something about people who claim to care about you. I have similar conflicts with my parents (mine and my husband's) and for the first few years of our marriage, I tried to please everyone - at my own expense. But now I realize that it's not about them, it's about my own family. It took a while for me to realize that I have to put them before my parents, siblings, and extended family but when it comes down to it - that's who is there for you and vice versa. This sounds harsh, but they won't always be there for you. They have their own families, the older generation will pass and you'll be on your own - so do it your way! :)

Hi J.,

I come from a catholic family too...but i married a moslem..cough cough..in any case, my family was surprisingly supportive but at the same time disappointed because my children won't be baptized. So I understand trying to accomodate your family and still accomodate your husband's family...In the end i tell you this. It sounds like you are madly in love with your hubby and congrats on caleb..i know i was thrilled when i had Scarlett in june of 07. So what you should do is not be offended by what your family expects and do what you want. In the end it's your wonderful immediate family and what i think is...if you don't want to attend or be apart of this is ok. Thank God for what i have and be happy with what you do..you can't please everyone..so please yourself in the end it's your life, and you should enjoy it however you, your husband and Caleb see fit. Don't worry about the rest if they want to be childish it's on them. The fun part is that this is your family and you can start your own traditions and your own functions who needs to please the rest. You have the most important people around you..so don't let your family guilt you. do what you can do...it will be wonderful.

Good luck

I think it's time for you to have a heart-to-heart talk with your mom. I had to do this with my dad (about 19 years ago) and it was really hard, but it worked. We are so close now and he is so much better. I told him how hurt I was by the things he'd done, that I understood that he didn't do them to intentionally hurt me, and that I forgave him and wanted to move forward. I explained that I was an adult with a family of my own and could make my own decisions, but that he was entitled to his opinion. I promised to weigh his opinion with the same respect that I expected him to give me. I explained that we have different ways of doing things, that I had to take into consideration my husband and his family as well and that I would do what I thought was best and I needed his support. He TOTALLY got it! Things have been awesome ever since. He even makes sure to preface his "opinions" with "You do what you think is best, but in my opinion...." It's so funny! Add'l thoughts: I think the idea of a potluck is a great idea, put it on the invitation if you have to. Or tell mom you simply cannot afford such lavish events, perhaps she'd like to foot the bill. I still (after 20 years) have the whole competition thing going with my mom, who thinks that everything I do (that she disagrees with) is what my MIL wants me to do. Jeez, I do have a mind of my own. LOL ;) Take a stand now before it's too late to do so! I wish you the best of luck.