In-laws - North Granby,CT

Respond with great enthusiasm! and then just let it go. Don't contribute, send the gifts you had planned to. Cultivate realtionship with sib-in-law #6 if you want/can. Easier to take on one relationship at a time, rather than a whole clan that has you as an outsider. Families can be like that. You've built this ideal up, and it so often falls short of the ideal. Concentrate on close friends, they are the family you get to PICK!

That sounds bizarre on their part. You cannot change their behavior, so I would consider dropping efforts to have a relationship, it doesn't seem to be working out. Maybe you could focus efforts to get the extended family you crave with friends or people in the community instead?

Hi A.!
This is not a selfish question at all! You can't help the way you feel, and you have good reason to feel the way you do. You also can't change the way they are. Try not to take it personally, know it is them not you. It is their loss not yours! If they were not in-laws, you wouldn't want anything to do with people like them, so you can be happy that they don't really want to spend time with you, so you are not forced to be around them! It is also good that your husband sees them for who they really are, and not telling you that you have them misunderstood! It is what it is. Don't put a whole lot of time or effort into them, and don't expect too much from them, and again, don't take it personally. Be cordial when you are with them, send the gift if that is what you were planning on doing, spend time with people who love you and want to be with you and who make you feel good. Forget them and focus on your loving friends and family!
Good luck!
L.

wow.
(Bow-wow as my inlaws would understand).

You have every right to feel the way you do. It's tough to let it just slide off you back, even though we should!

I have a similar situation with my in-laws in that we (my husband and I) would love to have them more involved in our lives.. but we take back stage to dogs. EVERYTHING is about the dogs. For Christmas they gave gifts to him for his b-day, but neglected mine... 26 days later. They live 2000 miles away and we've gone to them only to have them suggest they don't have room for us, but do their friends.
Yes, it is tough in that they are so far away, but they never bother to say hello to me on the phone.. you get the message here, I'm sure.

My advice is to simply grin and bear it. Do what you know is right for your own karma.. Give a gift. Do it for your husband, his parents, the innocent child. It sucks, yes. But at least you can live with yourself knowing you are the bigger person. If you don't want to partake at the selected time, send a gift at your convenience. ("Family Dues" is what my husband calls situations like these.)

Then, once that is done.. call up your closest girlfriends, go out for a cocktail and B*&%^ about it all you want!

Good luck....

It is unfortunate you set up an expectation for yourself that is now not being fulfilled. His family is who they are and their relationship with him and you is what it is. You need to accept it and create a wonderful family with your husband, girls, as well as your parents and your sibling. You should let go of your resentments etc. (as justified as they are) because they take your energy and live "rent free" in your brain. Instead you should use that energy and "space" on relationships with people who reciprocate. That said, you can choose to keep trying to build in a positive way a relationship with his family but with the mindset that you wont' let their response (or lack of) upset you. In other words, if you try, you should feel good about yourself for trying and accept whatever happens.

I think you are totally justified in these feelings...it is SUCH a slight that they didn't do anything or send anything as a shower for you! I don;t get it - it sounds like you have tried everything with talking to them or writing. And the MIL saying you weren't part of the family?!?!? What is up with that!! I'm sorry your not getting the sibs that you wanted :(

I would tell them this: I grew up with one sibling and so badly wanted more. I thought that it was a Godsend that I was marrying someone with such a large family. Now, I'm just so frustrated, angry, resentful, and just plain sad. I want him to have a good relationship with his family, and I want a great in-law family. It is what I have looked for throughout my dating experiences. I feel so dejected and down. What do you have to lose?

I read your post and felt like I was reading about myself. I am happily married to my husband (second) but often I wish I had known what I was getting into with his family before we married. He has a huge family and many of them are local and live within a five mile radius of our home, it is not unusual to run into a cousin or sibling when we are out shopping or running errands. I have been with my husband for 10 years and spent the first eight waiting for his family to come around. They don't speak English as their first language and I have tried to learn spanish and practice spanish with them, I have a working knowledge of spanish, but they continually ask my husband to ask me the simplest of questions like would I like something to drink. I left many family functions in tears from being completed alienated in a chair with no one trying to engage me in even the simplest conversations. My husband for years made excuses for them, the language barrier being the biggest. I finally said to him to open his eyes and see how things are for me when I go there. They have no interest in my children (one of whom is fluent in spanish and another of whom has taken spanish for 10 years, traveled in central america and can get by very well with speaking the language). I believe not one person in his family knows the names of my 3 children. I have endured eye rolling and watching disgusted and amused looks exchanged amongst family members when I have tried to speak to anyone in his family. I am always introduced as my brother's wife, never as a sister in law. I have spoken to my husband (who is very close to his family) about this and he has finally acknowledged that they are not very nice to me and don't treat me very well when I am over there or even in our own home. He has talked to them and they will look at him with big eyes full of curiousity and say but we love her, she is great. He wants to believe this, but on some level now he doesn't. I have stopped visiting and going to any family functions. My husband visits once a month formally and then of course runs in to many relatives around town and is in touch by phone with everyone on a weekly basis. He goes to birthdays, weddings, baptisms and showers alone and tells everyone I am working and cannot attend. This makes everyone happy and no one has to confront the truth. I am angry, sad and disappointed and not a day goes by that I don't think about how horrible this situation is for us. Of course we have my family, but my siblings and mother are 5000 miles away in california. They are great to my husband but we don't see them more than once a year. I know I should probably forgive them and move on because the truth is they don't want me as part of their family, so in whose interest is it to force the issue. But I would like to confront a couple of them and let them know that all their verbal, "we love her" is wasted on me and my husband who no longer believes this either and that my spanish may not be great but I am not stupid. I am sorry I know I have not been helpful, but just know that you are not alone in your situation. I, too, have only a mother and 2 sisters who are far away and I was soooo looking forward to a sense of extended family for the holidays and get togethers and it has not happened at all like that for me.

I'm so sorry for this awful situation you're in. Please know that it's not your fault that your in-laws feel this way about you. Feeling guilty about what's going on won't make things better and only make you feel worse. For whatever reason, your in-laws and your husband's siblings feel the need to exclude you when they want or include you when they want. You're not a toy - you have feelings too! But you seem conflicted, because you may feel obligated to try to be close to your husband's family, to make the effort, because you want that big-family closeness in your life and your kids' lives, or because you feel like its your responsibility as a wife. Well, your first responsibility is to your husband and children - everyone else comes way second. Focus on them, as they are the positives in your life. I learned you can't please everyone and once you understand this, situations like this with your in-laws will roll off your back.

A.,
I can feel your pain, however, I am not sure if I have many suggestions to help.

I have not had a baby shower for any of my children and it has been extremely difficult. I had my first after moving to Canada to live with my husband. His immediate family is small but he has a ton of aunts, uncles and cousins. Everyone else in his family has received plenty of baby showers, hospital visits etc, however, while I was pregnant they urged me to have an abortion and refused to visit us in the hospital. My husband is frustrated and upset with this.

In my church I found something equally disturbing. I was pregnant at the same time as another mother. (due 6 weeks before her). Everyone threw a huge baby shower for her but nothing for our daughter... I was even invited to the other woman's shower which took place a few days after I had given birth. I was also compared to the other woman relentlessly (she GAINED 80 lbs while pregnant and they expected me to be just as large... however... I was only 83lbs BEFORE pregnancy... and I was all babybelly ... and she was certainly NOT all baby yet they wanted me to look like her which was impossible ~ I couldn't understand why they couldn't accept that we carried our babies differently). Every woman since in our church has had a baby shower... yet neither of my children have. Our second child was born extremely prematurely following a house fire. Not one person told us they were sorry to hear of our house fire or even sent condolences when our daughter's twin brother passed away. We were in the hospital for over 8 months and only had 3 visits during that entire time.

It is difficult to feel left out... even more so when the pregnancies were difficult and no one seemed to care. It leaves a lot of emotional scars when no one celebrates your happy occassion with you. It is a pain that only other mothers in similar situations can fully understand.

I have found that I have had to be forgiving, although it is extremely difficult when the jabbing continues, it has been necessary for me to get through our plentiful ordeals.

I want more children and I can't tell you how difficult it is to watch other mothers have perfect pregnancies, healthy childbirth, healthy children and perfect doting on from family and friends over the new arrival while knowing that I will probably never have that. Instead I have to be extremely thankful that I have my 2 beautiful daughters. They'll have pages missing in their baby books from the lack of baby showers, however, having them alive and doing OK means so much to me. They are my little miracle babies and they are worth all I've had to endure to have them. Sometimes I just have to remind myself how thankful I am to have them and that they are my gift and bring far more joy to me than any baby shower or acknowledgement from others ever could.

If you need to talk, you can contact me. Sometimes it helps to just let out those frustrations to someone who can understand.

Hope the situation improves!
A.

Wow - all of the responses so far have been so generous. After reading your post my first thought was, "screw 'em!!!"...lol. I have some bizarre in-law stuff too - I simply ignore it all and let my husband deal with it.
I do like the idea of trying to talk to some of the other 'outsiders' who married into the family. Maybe that will make you feel better?
In any event, enjoy your husband and kids:)
J.

Hi A.,
First I would say that your request isn't selfish in the least. It sounds like your feelings are justified and very human. The part about your MiL telling you that you're not a part of the family is particularly harsh. I can't really understand that... I wonder if there's a backstory from way back that you don't know. It's odd, but I have heard of families who never accept a wife or husband because they became very attached to a previous boyfriend or girlfriend (from as far back as high school). I don't think that's right or normal but it happens...

Regarding the shower, I agree with those who advise taking the high road. Send the gift you planned to or contribute (which ever you want) and participate as best you can; just don't worry if you can't muster enthusiasm or whatever. Do what you can to feel right with yourself, ultimately that's who you answer to.

As for the rest of your life with your in-laws, I guess I'd try to accept that you're not going to be close, and don't discuss it with your children. If they ask you things about why their grandparents or family on their father's side isn't very involved in their lives, try to remain neutral and vague about your answers ("I don't know", which is true!). As others and you yourself have said, you're blessed to get along with your own family, so continue to cultivate those relationships. It's hard not to feel rejected... It sounds like it's their loss to me. Also, if possible, try to keep the door open in case someone ever makes an overture to you. Good luck!

Amiee,
You have written my story! I am an only child and was delighted to have married into a large extended family, too--only to realize how nice small families can be! My husband has an older brother and a large extended family who have basically shunned us from the family and made our values, decisions and lives part of their ever-going gossip fest. My MIL shines a light on his older brother and my husband gets nothing. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law have ruined almost every family function/celebration that we have invited them to. It always has to be about them, or we get their awful treatment. It *really* use to bother me, too, but I finally realized how much energy I was wasting on this family--energy that I should have been using on my own baby and husband. I realized how awful their personal lives had to be to spend so much time gossiping and judging us. Also, they were missing out on their niece/grand-daughter! It was THEIR loss, not ours. My husband (much like yours) says he wouldn't even be friends with his brother if they weren't related. I try and make up for his lack of family ties by making our family celebrations bigger and better for us. Thankfully, my family has also accepted him as one of their own and shower our daughter with love. We have since moved out of state and my husband talks to his immediate family rarely.
So...my advice? If it is not important to your husband, stop wasting your energy and thoughts trying to answer the "why" questions. All you can do is be the best wife and mother you can be. I would send a small gift and expect nothing more from that family for the rest of your days. Use the time saved to give back to your own family. Remove yourselves from any hurtful situations and do not feel obligated to do anything. If you are religious, pray that the hurt and anger is lifted from you so you can use that energy on better things. I hope you are able to do that. It changed my life. D.

Hi A.-

Is there one sister in law that you are relatively close with that you could talk to? Maybe another female who has married in to the family. This person may be able to explain or help you figure out why you guys are being alienated. It could be a very simple personality conflict .

I get a long very well with my in laws, BUT I understand how different personalities rub. I was raised so differently from my husband. My family is very business minded and decisive where his runs around in circles trying to make the simplest choices. Because of my decisive confidence my husband thinks his mother is afraid of me! knowing this, I try to make sure I tone down my personality to fit in with them a little better. Yes, I get annoyed sometimes but if it means my kids have a close relationship with the family it is worth the dozen times a year we see them.

Good luck :)

Hi A.,
Wow, what a sad story! I feel for you and your family so much. I would absolutely feel slighted in every way possible and I would feel very hurt too. You are very justified in feeling the way you do. With that being said, maybe it is time to step up and be the bigger person about it and lay it on the table and start letting people know how you are truly/really feeling! It may not make things better, but it also doesn't sound like it could make things any worse! I would start with your in-laws. It seems as there is some resentment and tension with your MIL that you have no idea about so maybe speaking with her will get you some answers. I too come from a large family, there are 6 of us in total and I couldn't imagine not having a relationship with all of my siblings. Although we have our occasional tiffs, we get over it and move on. After all, life is way to short to hold grudges against the ones your love and care for the most. It seems as though your husband may know more than he is letting on as well... his comment of "just forget it" makes it seem like he doesn't want to get into it at all. That isn't right, especially if he knows how it's making you feel. Somewhere along the line, there is something that occurred that you just may not be aware of. I wish you the best of luck. Try not to let it get to you too much...do all that you can to try to reach out to them and speak up...if that doesn't work out, keep your family as your main focus and at least you could look back and say you tried. :) Well wishes for you and your family.

I understand x1 not x6. I have a sister in law who has changed my brother. When she's around we have a different brother completely. She's not as bad as yours but has caused many family issues with me only! Nothing is good enough for her give her everything and get as little from her as possible. She wont even follow our instructions and requests about our daughters birthday. So my main thought when dealing with her is am I going to sink to her level or show I'm a better person. It's REALLY tough sometimes. Honestly, I do both. So don't feel bad about going either way. Your human and have feelings. I try to think of the example I want to set for my children and the times I am at her level is mostly when they don't know about it. It's really tough and you can only do what you can handle yourself. How are you going to feel about which ever way you sway? Can you handle your decision?
Anyway, I really wish you the best of luck!

Hi A.,
I would do what you want to do in this situation. I would feel hurt with the comment your MIL made and with the family not acknowledging your children. I do have to say that the sister or sister in law who is having her first may not have realized that she should have bought a gift for you or others (I don't know if she has bought gifts for others in the past). She will probably realize it after she gets a gift, that oh, I should have bought a gift for so and so. She may say something about it to you or she may not.
(I have to say that when one of my cousins got married and I was sent a card to rsvp-- I never did. I don't think I realized that she needed that back for her wedding count, until I got married and realized what it was all about.)
I think I might get something for the new baby, or wait until the baby is born and then give a gift, whichever you prefer.
Sometimes I think family members treat the rest of the family as if they were still in the same original family. I find that when we are with parents they treat us as kids, and not as the adult parents that we are. I am sure they think it is helpful, or they don't realize how they sound. My younger sister sometimes says that I act like her mother, so I try not to offer my advice to her. I think everyone has expectations about what their family (new) will be like and it can be disappointing when it doesn't meet our expectations.
Just do what you think is best with your family and your kids. When a family thing comes up and you want to go then go. If you don't want to go then don't. You may find that later on when things happen in the family, people will expect you and your husband to pitch in or step up to the plate. Then they will realize that you have become adults and they will realize what they missed out on with you and your kids!
I hope this helps! Good Luck and enjoy your family!

This isn't a selfish question at all. While my husband is only one of 3, we have some similar issues. My husband's sister is one of the most selfish people I've ever met and she's anti social. They moved to Vegas about 7 years ago and have made it plain that if we ever visit it's a hotel, we are not welcome to stay at their home, the same goes for my mother in law. My brother in law lives in CA and is "finding himself" which really sometimes translates into blaming my MIL for everything the psychologist can find wrong with him. We have what I would call a "casual" relationship. I used to get really angry and frustrated because I'd make lovely handmade gifts, send cards, etc with no acknowledgement of any kind. No thank you notes, no phone calls, etc. My family is very close knit. Cousins are more like siblings. I had a very hard time understanding all of this and blamed myself for not being good enough for them. But after time has gone by, I've learned that it is they who are missing out on our company. It is they who may one day live to regret their aloofness from us. We choose instead to surround ourselves with good friends, who are now like family to us. I think you should just try to let go of it, live your own life and if anyone has anything to say, tell them straight out how you feel. THey don't seem to consider your feelings, so I don't think you should worry too much about theirs. Life is truly too short to worry yourself over people who are petty and mean. Enjoy your husband and children, cultivate friendships with others who have kids their age and just LIVE. Best of luck.

Hey, A.,
First of all, your feelings are your feelings. You don't have to justify them.
I am an only child with a really small family. I have been married to a wonderful man for 35 years,and I too hoped to be included and close with his family. His mother has been verbally abusive and nasty to me many times over the years, which really hurt. I rememember, when my babies were really little, leaving a family gathering early and coming home alone thinking of suicide, but then I realized she'd win and my daughters would be left alone!
Fortunately,I decided to choose (and God blessed me with)
an incredibly loving family of dear friends. And my children have grown up and had children of their own,so I am very loved, and have many wonderful people to love. This group doesn't include my mother-in-law.
Funny thing, though. The less I cared what she thought of me, or how much she cared about me, the better she has treated me!
So, dear girl, I send you hugs and the warmest of wishes, and strength to choose your OWN family of loving, supportive friends. They're out there, just waiting for you!
And I pity your husband's family~ they will never know the joy of knowing and loving you. Their loss.
Another thing~you will never win their approval, no matter how hard you try. Better to use all that energy and care to build a great circle of love around you, your husband, and your children.If and when you feel strong enough, I would (calmly, just stating facts)let the negative family members know why you will not be turning cartwheels and attending every family function in hopes of winning favor in their eyes.
If you can in the years to come, please, for your own serenity, work on forgiving them.
I am ALMOST at that point with my husband's mother, and I know it will feel incredibly peaceful to do so.
A., love yourself, your huband, your children, and dear friends. Life is too short and precious to fret over anything or anyone else.
Hugs and love to you,
Someone Who's Been There

A.
I have found that siblings are very clique-y. They'll accept you only so much. But, you're not "one of them" & you never will be. especially with the sisters who are generally the ones to plan anything.

I know how you feel and it sucks.

Do what ever you want to do. no more, no less.
If you want to send a gift then do it.
If you want to go to a party/gathering then do it.

Love and enjoy your husband and girls and let everything/everyone else come second best.

Have you directly asked the question of why you are left out to the sister-in-law that is requesting this virtual shower? Your husband ought to ask her the very question. It's his sister, right?

Hi A.,

I've never responded to any of these before but this one really hit a spot. I too feel slighted by my inlaws at times. My husband and I moved to a different state and since then (7 yrs.) have basicly been ignored by 2 of my brother in laws and their families. My mother in law feels terrible by the whole thing so never mentions them to us at all but we do not even know why. We are trying to be the bigger people by sending cards and gifts when the time calls for it but never get responses such as thank yous or cards during our birthdays and holidays. I advise you to keep being the mature person and send that gift as you had planned. Remember that it is normal to feel left out but keep your chin up and continue to show your husband and your children that it is better to be nice.

B. O

You have gotten many responses so far, and mine will pretty much echo everyone else's. Your in-laws have gone out of their way to hurt your feelings. Score one for them: they hurt you! They are miserable people. I would get the gift you planned to buy all along, and when they ask you for your contrubution to the shower, just answer breezily that you already got the gift you planned to, and leave it at that. Keep your answers vague, make them hunt and chase you down for your responses: screen their phone calls, don't return their calls right away; send emails in reply. I advise this tactic not out of the intention to be rude, but rather to eliminate live, real-time exchanges with them. Such exchanges will only upset you. Make sure your husband is on the same page; if they try to go around you to him, ask him to tell them that you handle all that stuff. If you are anything like me, it is impossible not to feel hurt by them. Indeed, it's their intention to hurt you. It is normal and natural to feel bitter and resentful. If you are a religious person, speaking to your priest, pastor or rabbi might help you gain some perspective. If that isn't your thing, maybe a bit of therapy to learn coping methods to help you react to them in ways that YOU can feel proud of later. Good luck and remember you don't deserve to be hurt this way.

I don't think you're being selfish here at all - from what you say, it definitely sounds like your husband's family is treating you like a second-class citizen. And it's a shame, especially because you really want a good and close relationship with that family. It looks like you have two options here - keep trying to be part of that family (but not expecting huge changes in their behavior), or, as your husband suggests, forgetting it and focusing your energy elsewhere. Either way, I wish you the very best of luck. Best, M.

I have sent you a flower as you desperately need to know that you are facing a near impossible mission; to be apart of his family. It's a lose-lose as we call it in our family, if you give money for this shower, it will only make you feel like you weren't given something for your two kids. If you don't contribute, they will undoubtably talk about you. Who cares, if your husband isn't interested in having a relationship, you might want to join him in his desire to just have his own family. It's ultimately your children who will lose out on their cousins which is really sad. Sounds like a huge dysfunctional family with a lot of secrets that you may not know about.

Surround yourself and your family with friends and children who want to be apart of your wonderful family. You really are trying too hard without any real results. Let them go, sometimes it's ok to walk away from family. That's my advice as I have a similar situation with my inlaws. No one makes the effort to be in our lives. My father in law and brother in law have only seen my daughter who is 15 months old, 3 times in the last year and a half. They make no effort whatsoever and my husband does not want to pursue a relationship despite my efforts to try and have them over. I have let it go, I miss out on extended family but then again I try and fill our lives with people who want to be with us!

Not an easy situation, I do feel for you. The best thing is to change your expectations. You won't be able to change them even if you contribute to the gift, nothing will ever make them want to be in your lives! Sad as that may sound, they have bigger issues that you really just should be happy that you don't have the sadness in your marriage like they do!

I'll start by saying that people who are from a small family (3 kids or less) always seem to want to be from or part of a large family, I am one of 11, the 2nd in line and would NEVER have a large family, you get left out, there is way too much competition for time w/parents and so on. What i'm trying to say is the grass is NOT always greener on the other side. You say that your husband doesn't want a relationship with his siblings, do you think that the feelings are the same for the siblings and thats maybe why they don't feel that your part of the family? It is always nice to be surrounded by loving family and friends but if your in-laws aren't that way you wouldn't want the negativity to surround your children. If I was in your position, I would feel every bit the same as you but I would also try to let it go, it seems you have tried everything to be part of the family. I would have your own family (you, husband, kids) and any other family that is willing to be a part (aunts, uncles, cousins) and especially friends surround you and your children with the care and love that you deserve. Being from a large family is not all that great, I have friends that I am closer to than some of my own siblings, once you have a big family, there are too many personalities in the mix and this is usually the cause for distance on any siblings part. I hope that you feel better soon and you get all the love and care that you deserve in life :)

You're not wrong to feel this way, but it sounds like that's how these people are. I doubt they will change - you've participated, stayed away, talked to them, and nothing works. In fact, your MIL told you to your face that you aren't part of the family, and the lack of baby gifts rubbed it in. I think it's time to get the message. They are not capable of extending themselves and loving people. Your husband knows who and how they are, and sees no point in fighting. I know you had very high expectations, but just because there is a large family doesn't mean there is a lot of love. It's really a power game with them - who's in, and who's out. That's why you and your children were ignored, and that's why you got this invitation. Notice that it's for a "virtual" shower, which means a way to get gifts without having to actually extend themselves or entertain anyone. A virtual shower can be fine for someone who lives far away when visiting isn't practical, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

So, you can't control them, and all you can control is your own reaction. Stop fighting it, and surround yourself and your children with people who DO love them, whether in your family or with close friends who are like family. That's what we've done in our family. My brother's family is like the people you describe. They do send gifts, but what they do is spend a whole ton of money 2 weeks before Christmas, buy 5 or 6 of several different items, and then make piles to send to each family. Everyone gets the same books, calendars, whatever. We go to my mother's house, and see that she got the same things we did. My brother's wife's sister, niece, nephew get the same things too. She has even been at my brother's house when they do this mad gift-wrapping, gift-assigning task. It's ridiculous. There's no thought about what someone might like or care about.

I kind of grew up with this - my father's mother made it clear that her sons were priority, and her daughters-in-law were not. She even said to my mother, "I love you like you're my own, dear, but remember, you're NOT."

You can send a shower gift, or not send a shower gift. Either way, it won't change how they feel. If you send one, they'll gloat that you got suckered into it, and if you don't, they'll complain that you are mean or cheap. Either way, you lose.

It's sad, but you have to bury those hopes and expectations, mourn them, and move on. Wishing won't make it so. Meantime, you are making yourself miserable, and your girls will pick up that there is something wrong with your side of the family if they grow up seeing that something is lacking. They need to not feel rejected. If they ask, you can say that's how Dad's family is, but we are different - otherwise, celebrate what you DO have and build an extended family of your own.

Good luck!

I would concentrate on your own great, small family and just be polite with the in-laws. Treat them as you'd want them to treat you, and expect that they will never reciprocate. You can't change people. My in-laws are nice people, but they've done things like record a family tree and not put my children on it (when all the other grandchildren were on it). When we told them I was pregnant for the first time, they said, "Oh, and did we tell you there were 3 cardinals in the bird feeder this morning." So you're not alone in this strange world of in-laws. Good luck and don't take it personally. You'll be better off.

oh yes i know this well.. WITH BOTH side of my family.. i go tyo birthday parties and bring a $10 -$15 dollar gift-- they don't show up and spend maybe $5 on a gift i spend that much to go after... this is my side. his side will do a right church wrong pew gift grat thought but too big/small.( whenthey aske the size) but at least they show up. nost of the time. They tedn to leave early though. All I can say is THANK GOD for my FRIENDS the family i can pick :) who always coem with a nice (sopmetime small gift) and aren't afraid to help me clean up...and God forbid anybody use my bathroom while they are here...

If I were you I would participate in the virtual shower and that be that. At this point your focus should be on your husband and your family, life is too short to spend your life hurt and rejected by people that it appears will keep hurting your feelings.

So, it sounds like you have two questions here. First I think you should take the high road on the virtual baby shower. Send a gift, act enthusiastic, etc... After all, baby gifts are so much fun and you have all sorts of expertise now that you have had two kids!
The other question about forging a relationship with your in-laws is a whole other kettle of fish. I think you are right to believe that rich relationships are possible with family. I adore my family of origin and my in-laws. I consider myself really lucky. SO this advice is coming from that persepctive. It is possible that your husband is right and that his family is not worth spending time on, but I still think you need to answer that question for yourself.
To that end, I would start with the in-laws as individuals. Are there any of your husbands siblings or their spouses that you find easy to communicate with? I don't think you can go into this wanting connections with EVERY family member. They are all just people. Some you might have something in common with and some you might not. Do any of them have cousins for your kdis toplay with? Do they all live far far away? I would just try to make one connection at a time. It could be that all the spouses feel the same way. YOur MIL was cruel to say to you that you were not a member of the family. SOunds like she has issues. You can't solve that, but you might be able to find allys in the family.
Good luck!

Hi A. (by the way, I'm pregnant with my first and want to name my daughter A.!). Anywho, I have a couple of questions here. My MIL and my mom are throwing me a shower along with my best friend (I feel lucky and blessed). I'm guessing there is no-one on YOUR side that would have given you a shower? My husband's family is very small and he is only 1 of 3. However, my MIL is so very excited about this baby and I don't understand why your MIL wouldn't be???? What is wrong with her? Does she act like a grandmother to your children? With such a big family, I picture huge holiday dinners and kids running around playing together everywhere with 13 grandkids...ok, sorry to add to the sadness of what it isn't because that is really sad :( Is the rest of the family close and are you and your husband the outsiders?? I'm assuming the current pregnant one is one of the immediate siblings to your hubby too. Either way, all the women in the family (in-law or not) should get the special attention they deserve when pregnant. What a blessing to be adding to the family name right!!?? I would feel the same way as you, it is hard to get on with your own lives and leave a family behind but ultimately, you have your own family to worry about. There really is no way to confront them about their lack of caring- you can't change something like that. I would send along the gift and be the bigger person. That's all you can do. You want to teach your kids the right thing too and resentment will never equal happiness. Will it make you happier to ignore the invite and not send the gift while having that "I'll show them" attitude, or would you be more satisfied knowing the you will not stoop to their level and stand proud of what you believe is right? I guess if you can answer yes to the latter than you'll know what to do.

What I have leanred in the past is that it is impossible to change the (poor or rude) behavior in others . The only thing we can do is to change our own behavior or point of view on any given situation. I once heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. I aslo heard that Forgiveness is accepting the fact that the past could not have been any different. So how does this apply to your situation? Well I feel that you send a letter or contact some of these family members and be very candid about how you have felt over the past 11 years and lay down the expectations about how you expect your kids to be treated by thier aunts and uncles. The other option is to just accept that things will not ever be equal or fair and that you will continue to feel left out. I have found that most of family fueds have a much longer history than when you the spouse entered the picture and it may not get better until it gets worse so to speak and everybody can vent and air out the dirty laundry so to speak. Go with your gut if you feel thr right thing is to send a gift to your future niece or nephew that is on the way than do so. Take the higher ground...but it if is the straw that breaks the camel's back than hold your ground ..or send somethng that is purely for the child like a savings bond in the baby's name and is not a gift for the Mom to be. I have had lots of couseling in how to deal with my own really dsyfunctional fmaily (and in laws)so I hope this helps a little!

This is a toughie! Perhaps you can turn it down politely saying you guys are short on money this year, and need to get x,y and z for your kids (HINT - things I did not receive from my baby registry). And then just apologize for not being able to contribute!

I agree that you have every right to feel what you're feeling. But after 11 years, you may just have to accept the way things are. You can keep hoping and making positive efforts, but you can't change how people feel and behave (except maybe your kids!). It stinks, but it may just have to be the way it is.

Dear A.,

I am sorry to read about your experiences with the in-laws. It sounds like a very complicated, deeply rooted, dysfunctional family dynamic. Like a PP said, you can't change nor control their behavior, but you can change/control your behavior towards them. It's about setting boundaries. You wrote that your husband says to "forget it" and that he doesn't plan to maintain his sibling relationships after his parents are gone.. which begs the question, "Well what is he doing (or not doing) while his parents (one or both) are still alive?" I feel that if anyone should advocate for you and your daughters, it should be hubby. And if he's too chicken or too entrenched to do that... well... set your boundaries, and develop a supportive extended family through friends.

My MIL has some deep emotional issues, and some of her behavior towards my BIL and his wife over the years are similarly negative and hurtful to what you've experienced. While I have gotten along well with my FIL and MIL, after an emotionally volatile and traumatic incident 10+ years ago, my relationship with my in-laws has cooled significantly; it's a form of self-protection/self-preservation.

I'd be glad to post some more privately, incl online support groups and book recommendations.

A.,
I can relate with your situation somewhat. My husband comes from a large family; who are very close. My husband would do anything for any of them if they asked. I have four sons; they are teenages now, but when we all got together for the Holiday's the other neices and nephews received gifts from his sisters and my four little guys did not. It was very awkward and yes, I did feel hurt and left out. I was usually invited to all the events of their children, birthdays, graduations, weddings, showers, etc. I did not feel part of the family either. My biggest concern was how my children felt. I made a big deal of the one Uncle who ALWAYS remembered my boys. Over time I got use to the pattern and always gave all my in-laws a Christmas gift. I gave them a gift because I wanted to and wanted my children to see a gift is given with no strings attached, it is not a trade. My children and I always sent thank you cards together and they really appreciated that which they had received. I never brought up the unfairness I felt and they never felt left out.
Now if I can and want to attend or send a gift I do, but I never send a gift if I do not feel good inside nor do I feel it is necessary if it does not leave me with a feeling of joy. My boys are into their teen now and enjoy everyone company on these events and have accepted this is just life. Interesting at my older son's gratulation party just recently, they gave him a gift! Wow! We were all surprised and appreciative. You just never know! I have learnt I have to do what I FEEL is right and our children learn so much more by our actions and conversations with others than they do by what we teach them. My boy's are typical boys, but they are kind, considerate, caring and treat others with fairness. I believe every experience in their life makes an impression on them. Didn't intend a lengthly response, but I could feel your hurt in your request and could relate to NOT being in the loop. Take back your power as a mom/woman and respond however it makes you fel best. That can never be wrong. Proud mom of four, W. M

Hi A.,
You have every right to feel slighted and left out. The way I see it, you can do one of two things. Either take the high road and send a gift, and keep quiet, or don't send a gift at all and tell them how you feel about being left out things. Do you get the same treatment during the holiday season? If your husband doesn't seem to care, then I would just let them know how you feel and then cut all ties to them. I know it's not what you wanted, but this will stop some of the stress you feel and in the end your family will be better off. You just can't make some people like you no matter what. I would just concentrate on you own family-your husband and your kids, and try to give them your values, make family traditions of your own, and put the in-laws out of your mind.

Hi! You have every right to feel slighted.I actually have a similar family.My MIL is very hard to have a relationship with so I don't really try anymore.SHe is pleasant but I know she has a lot of issues and can't give more so as big as a disappointment as it is we are not really close.My hi=usband is very used to it so I'm not sure it phases him at all.He has no relationship with his siter she has drug problems.I grew up with 5 siblings we used to be alot closer.Life gets in the way.One of my brothers died 2 years ago and things have definately not been the same since.It is very hard but I just really concentrate on my son and husband.It is really hard not being close to family and I get sad sometimes but there is nothing I can do. If they are causing any trouble I just stay away. I would also have a hard time sending the gift since you always feel left out.It's a hard call.You'll do what's right for you.Good luck. T.

Wow! That's awful. You have every right to feel slighted, as it seems that was the family's intention. You have to realize that this is your husband's family. If he wants no relationship with them, so be it. It's hard, I know. As women, we feel like it is our job to keep everyone connected and happy and often overcompensate for our husbands lack of interest. But this is beyond 'trying'-- they have told you they don't view you as part of the family. So let it go. Do the stuff you would normally do-- if it was sending a small baby gift, mailing annual Christmas cards, etc. Other than that, It's probably best to focus on building relationships with people (neighbors, friends, etc.) who support you and make you feel whole. As hard as it may seem to cut these people our of your children's loves, I imagine that your children already feel like second-class citizens, and it's probably best to distance themselves from the stress, resentment and negativity.

I know it is very hurtful the way you are being treated. My only advise would be to continue acting towards them as you would want to teach your own children. You can only control what you do, you can not control what others do. I would say, if you are able, to continue to include them in your children's lives as much as possible (holiday cards, birthday cards from your kids to grandparents, etc.)

Then when your kids grow up they will have memories of you trying as much as possible to give them families ties and the won't have anything to hold against you for those ties not being there. They will have to look at the others that did not included them.

Hi A.,
I am in the same situation although it is my husband that has only one sibling and I have a lot. We have six children and have been married for 18 years. I too wanted the big happy family where cousins all get together - we have the only grandchildren on my side and his sister has 2 boys although I don't know why. Being a mother, aunt or friend is not really her thing. She is a very selfish person. I wonder how my husband turned out to be the wonderful person he is in spite of them. He too shrugs when I get upset that my children are slighted by them but we remember every little birthday, religious event, sports event, etc. I finally after many years of trying and not succeeding that my family has to come first. My children will learn and love by example ( the negativity and animosity was killing me) so I started just concentrating on them and don't worry what the rest of the family does. You aren't going to be able to change what your husband lived his whole life. Deep down your husband on his own emotional level is probably bothered by this. My sister-in-laws children are now 8 and 6 and my children want to know about their only first cousins. I am not going to hurt my children because of my feelings so they talk and we see them at events we have to attend and I am cordial though by no means warm. The children play with their built in trust, love and innocence. Someday I hope my childrens cousins will break this horrible cycle. It doesn't stop me from hurting for my husband or dwelling on all the unfairness to my kids. It just keeps me from being the type of people they are.....
I am sorry I am ranting. It is an emotional issue. I am here anytime you want to vent.... Best of luck.
M.

Hi A.,

I come from the large family, while my husband comes from a very small family. He has only one brother, and one nephew. His mom and he don't get along much, but when I first met her, she made a comment that at least I was "Mexican" and can understand or have similar family values like hers and her families (they're black). Shocking right? My husband had warned me that she might say something to those terms, but I certainly wasn't expecting that. It turns out that she is indeed racist, though she is also half white (but doesn't acknowledge that side of her heritage). I came into my marrige with my husband with a 1yr old daughter, who he didn't hesitate not one bit to love and care for as his own. Not his mom...He took her with him (when she was 3) to visit his mom while we were in town visiting (I was preg and resting). He came back furious from his meeting with her, becuase she didn't acknowledge my daughter. Didn't look at her (even though my daughter is very sweet and kept on trying to talk to her and say hi)just acted as if she wasn't there. She even went as far as saying that grad children don't matter, only her sons (in front of my husband, my daughter, his brother and his 17 yr old nephew). My husband was steaming furious, and took a stand. He decided to not take me and our 1 yr old (her "blood" related grand daughter)to see her. We stayed in the city for a week and didn't call or go see her again (though she called and left many messages)until after our 3rd daughter was born 2 yrs later. Needless to say, she behaved, and even treated our oldest well. From what I've understood, she has always been partial to her son (my husband) and no one has ever been good enough, unless black and a doctor. Well, I'm a very nice person, if I might say so myself, and have since formed an email relationship with her. I mentioned to her that my oldest doesn't have a gramdmother on her dad's side (she passed long ago) and since mentioning this, she says she'll treat our oldest no different. Though it has taken a lot of emails and expressions of love toward her, I have finally broken through. I have to say though, that it was my husband's initial stance that did it.

On another note...I do think that it's best if you still went to the family events for the kids' sake. I have 10 aunts and uncles who each have 3-6 kids each (I'm #6 in mine) and there are several if them who have been fighting for years (my dad is in a rift with 2 of them). They gossip about each other, and sit far away from each other etc at functions. Us kids (all cousins)though, we all love each other so much, and vow to never be like them, and hope to continue to hold the family get togethers after the aunts no longer do, and show our kids how great it is to all get along. We don't let our parents' rifts break us. Did I forget to mention that my family (my dad and some of his siblings) were openly racist toward blacks? Well, my husband "the bold one" purposely went up to those aunts and uncles of mine that I told him were, and gave them huge tight hugs, along with some sloppy kisses on their cheeks. The look on each of their faces was priceless. It's been years now, and my aunts and uncles have accustomed themselves to my husband greeting them this way, and even expect it. I don't know if my family still has some of that racism left in them, but they certainly have shown nothing but respect for my husband since the big hug and kiss day. My husband absolutely loves the big family events, and thanks me for giving him the big family he never had. Now, after all of that effort to be loved (he by my family and me and my daughter by his mom)...we move from Cali to CT. :o)

A., I do hope that maybe your girls can find that love and friendship in their cousins, like I did. It will be tough for you if they never come around, and for that, I'm really sorry, but if for the girls to find a way into their family...why not? Your gift ideas are great, by the way.

I wish you the the best of luck with this endeavor!

Mari

wow, that's tough! For whatever reason they have rejected you/your husband. That is SO wrong. Well, try removing yourself from all functions. I wouldnt send a gift if it were me, the girl will obviously get enuff gifts from everyone else! Have you tried talking to your MIL to find out what the problem is? The whole thing doesnt make sense. If they're not willing to do anything for you, i dont think you should be bending over backwards to do anything for them! Sorry, some families are just jerks, & do this to "outsiders". For whatever reason you MIL thinks your good enuff. Good luck with how things turn out.

Hi A., wow let me first say I am so sorry. I am not entirely in a situation like yours, but bits and pieces of that email sound so familiar to me ;(
I would say at this point I would not send a gift, I don't think it's wrong or bitter and you're not trying to hurt anyone. I think it's what's best and right for you, I think you finally after 11 years need to do what's best for you. Have you tried talking to them all, telling them your feelings? If you did and they blew you off then I would go on with my life and be Happy with the wonderful husband and kiddos you have and not worry anymore about the other half. Hang in there and please let me know if you want to talk, I'd be happy to listen :)