I'm not sure that I understand your family's make up. It seems that you have a biological son with the grandfather's son and 2 step-children who live with their mother. And you think it's not fair that he doesn't come to your home to see your son but does go to the other home to see his other two grandchildren. I don't know the ages of these children but it would seem that your son is young.
There are several possible reasons for this that would have nothing to do with him not wanting to see your son. First idea is that he knows their mother and them better than he knows you and your son. He already had a relationship with them before your son was born. They are older and easier to be around. My grandson's father didn't much enjoy him until he was 4 or so. Some people are just not as comfortable around babies and toddlers.
I'm guessing the other mother is easier to be around. She was the first daughter-i-law and they may have established a friendship long before you came into the picture. He may be uncomfortable with you just because you took the place of the first daughter-in-law who he still loves. He may not have approved of the divorce. All sorts of possibilities in that situation.
And, I'm pretty sure she welcomes his visits. You want to "punish" him for not paying as much attention to your son as you think he should. So why would he want to come to your house? And why would he want to have a relationship with your son, knowing that you will take him away from him if he doesn't meet with your approval?
To be direct, it sounds to me, based on very little information, that your sensitivity to rejection is keeping him away. Try understanding this situation from his viewpoint. Try praising anything that is positive, such as his seeing your son when his dad takes him over to his grandfather's. That's good! I feel confused when you say you want him to spend time with your son and then are critical of the way in which it happens. I sense that you are quite jealous and suspect that you're expressing this jealousy thru your son. If you could find a way to deal with your jealousy and allow your father-in-law to manage his relationship with your son in the way mosta comfortable with him, this situation would resolve its self.
If you could find ways to make your father-in-law feel welcome in your home, perhaps he'd visit there more often. Stop being critical, express positive feelings, allow him to be himself, relax and enjoy his company without comparing his relationship with the first family to his relationship with your family and I think that you'll find life is more fair than you imagine.
I just read Melody's post. If your son is not your husband's biological son and thus not biologically related to the "grandfather" it would be a very unusual man who would treat him the same as his biological grandchildren. If he has no history, i.e. known him since birth, his relationship will be different. And.....it takes time to build a history on which to build a relationship.
YES, NEED MORE INFO to answer your question in a more specific way. I do know that no matter the situation your judgment, hurt feelings, and attempts at getting back at the grandfather are making the situation worse. No one wants to be around someone who disapproves of us and what we do. We do win more friends with honey than with vinegar.
LATER: in response to those who say cut the fil out of her son's life. I don't understand that response. The son needs to have a relationship with his grandfather. The son is 2 years old. The grandfather may not know how to treat a 2 yo. He may come around once how he treats or doesn't treat one grandchildren in comparison to the other two stops being an issue. I think that when people feel acceptance and are not criticized and their actions not compared they are much more likely to relax and treat people well. Going to visit older grandchildren and not the toddler does not indicate that he's rejecting the younger one. Give the relationship a chance. Keeping the grandfather away does not benefit anyone and creates hostility and a sense of failure for everyone. This 2 yo will take on the opinion of his parents. He is not comparing his treatment with those of his half-siblings. If the parents accept that it is natural for people in different roles to be treated differently they will be no tension and everyone has a chance to make changes and get along. When we put someone out of our lives we are ending any chance for a good relationship and keeping anger within our hearts. Anger has never been good for anyone when it's held onto over time.
A part of who this toddler is rests within his grandfather. By keeping them apart a parent is preventing the child to know an important part of their history. Even when the grandfather doesn't act as the parents want him to act he is still the grandfather. It is reasonable to have boundaries for the relationship. However, at this point, the mother is saying she wants her son to have a relationship with his grandfather. How does preventing them to be together help her achieve her goal. I do suspect that she wants him to treat her son the same as the other two grandchildren. This is not a reasonable expectation. Every one of us treats other people differently based on many factors over which we have no control.
Yes, sometimes the way we are treated differently is painful. Isn't it better to learn how to deal with that pain than the pain of not knowing the relative in the first place?
