In Anger, Your Child Says "I Hate You!" Your One Sentence Response Is?

Updated on April 30, 2012
C.K. asks from Palo Alto, CA
64 answers

This is a very common question. Just curious to see how you would respond...

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W.H.

answers from Sacramento on

gosh, my answer is so different from the others...I always say, "Grab a number and move to the back of the line, buddy, it's a long one." when my son comes back around I say, "hey, no line jumping" and he laughs and we are back to being okay!

19 moms found this helpful

⊱.E.

answers from Dallas on

"Keep it up, and I will give you something to hate me for," which usually involves something hideous like cleaning the litter box or picking up the dog poop in the back yard. If I am going to be hated, I at least want to earn it.

6 moms found this helpful
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R.M.

answers from Houston on

"You are allowed to hate me, but you are not allowed to not dis-respect me....and I love you even when you hate me."

That's really two sentences. I added the ... to fit with the "one sentence" rule. :)

4 moms found this helpful

More Answers

M.M.

answers from Chicago on

Hmmm, how is old the child?
Little ones: "That makes me very sad. I love you very much."
Middle ones: "That's not nice to say and that hurts my feelings."
Older/teenagers: "Man, that must suck for you!"

19 moms found this helpful
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R.J.

answers from Seattle on

Not one sentence, but one breath:

That's okay kiddo, I love you enough for both of us. Timeout. Scoot.

or

We HATE Hitler, we DISLIKE or get angry with other people.

or

You know what I hate? When I can't find the right word, so I end up hurting someone instead of getting them onside with how awful I'm feeling and get their help with it.

or

I hate spiders. Seriously. Lizards could do the same job, and lizards are cute. Who came up with 8 beady little eyes and drippy fangs? Shudder.

12 moms found this helpful

T.K.

answers from Dallas on

I don't need you to like me, I'm your mom, not your friend.

7 moms found this helpful

V.W.

answers from Jacksonville on

That's too bad, because I love you, even when you're angry at me.

5 moms found this helpful

K.I.

answers from Los Angeles on

That's alright, I love you enough for the both of us!

4 moms found this helpful
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B.B.

answers from San Antonio on

"I am so sad to hear that. Thankfully, I love you enough for borth of us."

4 moms found this helpful
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D.K.

answers from Pittsburgh on

You must be very mad at me, but I love you even when you are mad.

I don't see how it is disrespectful. It is an honest statement of a young child's feelings. I think punishing a child for their feelings is wrong. I think trying to use guilt to manipulate a young child's feelings is wrong as well - and that is what - 'oh, that really hurts my feelings' is. I teach my son that he is responsible for his own feelings. So am I.

4 moms found this helpful
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R.R.

answers from Dallas on

Sometimes I feel mad at you, too - but I ALWAYS love you bunches!

4 moms found this helpful
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S.S.

answers from Cincinnati on

That's ok. I love you enough for the both of us. (but on the inside I would be crying.)

4 moms found this helpful

X.O.

answers from Chicago on

"Well, I will always love you, but until you can learn to speak to your mother lovingly and respectfully, you will have to stay in your room."

3 moms found this helpful

D.M.

answers from Savannah on

Yep, I go with the old, "I love you too!" Smile and go back to what I was doing.

3 moms found this helpful

M.L.

answers from Houston on

That makes me very sad, I don't hate you.

3 moms found this helpful
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H.M.

answers from Denver on

I'm sorry you feel that way. I'll always love you.

Also - we do not say we "hate" anyone - that word is NOT allowed in my family.

3 moms found this helpful
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J.B.

answers from Atlanta on

I always say, "Well, too bad, you're stuck with me and I love you!"

3 moms found this helpful
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K.R.

answers from Sacramento on

The response is very age-dependent. However, just responding with "I love you" doesn't teach your child that it is not the parent he/she hates but the situation that is taking place. It also doesn't teach we need to treat other people with respect regardless of how we feel in the moment. I like Riley J's response. It's more my style. In our house it is fine to show anger, but not fine to intentionally try to hurt other's feelings.

My response would be " I'm sorry you are angry you can not go to the park. Now, get your homework done." or whatever was appropriate to the situation. If they wanted to push it, they know there will be consequences for disrespect, and they still have to do whatever they are hating me for, or can't do whatever they are hating me for.

I would definitely circle the wagons back to the incident when the emotion was gone and discuss why it's not OK to behave that way. I would make sure to let the child know it hurts people's feelings to be treated with disrespect. I'd seal this conversation with an "I love you."

The line is designed to hook you, the parent, into confrontation, and ultimately to get what the child wants. It is very manipulative behavior and needs to be nipped in the bud.

3 moms found this helpful

V.C.

answers from Dallas on

I love you very much and I am sorry you feel that way.

3 moms found this helpful
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K.P.

answers from Seattle on

"That's a shame, because I love you. I may not LIKE the way you are speaking to me or what you do but I will always love you, but now you need to go to your room and think about it"

2 moms found this helpful

R.R.

answers from Los Angeles on

"I am sorry to hear that, I love you very much!"

2 moms found this helpful
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C.N.

answers from Baton Rouge on

That's your prerogative.

2 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

"I'm very sorry you feel that way, but I always love you".

2 moms found this helpful

B.B.

answers from Dallas on

"Thats fine, your not the first, and not the last."

2 moms found this helpful

S.A.

answers from Chicago on

(Said with a very sad face) "I'm sorry to hear that, but I still love you".

Usually results in the child shedding tears and apologizing.

2 moms found this helpful
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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

2 moms found this helpful
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M.C.

answers from Cincinnati on

I still love you anyway.

2 moms found this helpful
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A.L.

answers from Chicago on

I know you do right now, but I still love you.

2 moms found this helpful

L.M.

answers from Dover on

"Well I love you and that hurts my feelings". I have also said "Sorry you feel that way, the answer is still no".

2 moms found this helpful

A.G.

answers from Houston on

Thats a shame because i love you.

2 moms found this helpful
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M.P.

answers from San Francisco on

I'm really sorry you feel that way, but I love you more than the moon and stars.

2 moms found this helpful
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B.E.

answers from Kansas City on

I'm sorry to hear that because i love you soooooo much!

2 moms found this helpful
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T.S.

answers from Washington DC on

"That's really sad. I'm the only mommy you get."

2 moms found this helpful

C.M.

answers from Washington DC on

we just say "I still love you"

2 moms found this helpful
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A.C.

answers from Washington DC on

"Good, that means I'm doing my job right".

or sometimes I would just say "Ok"

2 moms found this helpful

J.W.

answers from St. Louis on

I love you too!! :) Seriously that is what I always said. They don't know what they are saying so a big production is useless.

2 moms found this helpful
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R.K.

answers from Appleton on

It's okay -- because I love you. (hugs)

2 moms found this helpful

C.P.

answers from Columbia on

"Wow! You must be feeling really mad right now! That's okay. I just want you to know that I still love you, even when I'm mad at you. I could never hate you."

ETA: Yes, I know that's more than one sentence. :-P

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M.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

That's okay, I will always love you (even when I am mad at you).

1 mom found this helpful

K.G.

answers from Boca Raton on

I would say:
"I'm sorry you feel that way"
Thank gosh, I haven't heard that from my son...

1 mom found this helpful

E.A.

answers from Erie on

I wouldn't respond, or I would smile and tell them I loved them anyway. But my kids have never said that to me. Seriously, I hear moms complain about this all the time, but I guess I'm lucky, I got the four kids on the planet that never thought to say this to their mom.
It is age and developmentally appropriate for a child to feel this way when they don't get their way. Punishing them for it or not depends on the circumstance. I never took tantrums personally, so I wouldn't take this personally either. I don't expect adult behavior from children. Kids get to lose their cool once in a while and be immediately forgiven for it.

1 mom found this helpful

☆.H.

answers from San Francisco on

I'm sorry to hear you feel that way but:
you still have to.....
or you do the crime you do the time

1 mom found this helpful
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B.B.

answers from New York on

My son is 4 and he has never said that. Who knows if he ever will. In my book, that statement is extremely disrespectful and sorry, in my opinion saying something like "That's ok, I still love you" is pathetic. Having a child say that is the equivelent of a slap in the face (my son has never hit me either). I would say something like "That hurts me and it makes my heart break. I can't look at you". Then sent them to the naughty chair or other place they go when they are bad.

1 mom found this helpful
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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

I usually tell him I love him anyway and to please stop kicking me.

1 mom found this helpful
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M.R.

answers from Chicago on

If its a little one - That's ok honey, I love you.
to-be-teenagers and teenagers - (look to your left, look to your right, blink and speak), hey, guess what? I am still the mom, and you'll still do what I asked you to.

1 mom found this helpful
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E.S.

answers from Boston on

Very calmly, "That's nice dear".

1 mom found this helpful
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M.C.

answers from Washington DC on

depending on the situation...
"get in line"
"yep, got that"
"well, that hurts my heart"
"love you!"

1 mom found this helpful
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M.G.

answers from Seattle on

My daughter has said this once and my response was simple: "I'm sorry you feel that way but no matter what I love you with all my heart, when you feel comfortable enough to talk to me please do."

A bit of time went by and once she was not overwhelmed she came to me apologized and cried that she would say such a mean thing. She stated that she knows it hurt me a lot because she would never want me to say that to her.

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M.P.

answers from Raleigh on

"Well, I really don't care how you feel about me right now."

1 mom found this helpful
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N.P.

answers from Stockton on

My usual answer is " good you are supposed to it means i'm doing my job."

1 mom found this helpful

K.M.

answers from Chicago on

Okay, you may go to your room now.

1 mom found this helpful

G.K.

answers from San Francisco on

I'm sorry to hear that. OR I love you, too.

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K.N.

answers from San Francisco on

Well, I still love you!

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S.R.

answers from San Francisco on

"That's okay. I love you."

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F.G.

answers from Raleigh on

I have not had to deal with this issue personally yet. I do see it is coming soon based on my daughter’s temperament and attitude. I am not sure how I will handle it but I do see some great response listed. That being said I came across a children’s book called "Why do you love me?" by Laura Schlessinger. I have been reading it to my daughter and it seems to give her the opening she needs to talk to me about her feelings.

J.S.

answers from Jacksonville on

I like Manda's answer! LOL.

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B.G.

answers from Champaign on

Love Wendy's answer!

Seriously, I definitely try not to react! I would never punish my kids (who are only 3 and 5, so I realize my answer might change later) for just expressing their frustration in one of the few ways they know how at that age.

I just say, "Well I love you!" and move on. Reacting, getting upset, time-out's, etc., are very confusing on this issue. Don't get upset back. Let it go and deal with why the child is upset. That will be the most effective way of teaching them that there are better ways of dealing with their emotions and disappointments than saying, "I hate you."

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C.R.

answers from Phoenix on

Well I love you and I do what is best for you.

M.D.

answers from Washington DC on

I ditto MandA. It's normally my 5 year old that comes up with that nonsense, so he gets the "that's not a very nice thing to say" speach. However, it normally comes out after a punishment and in the form of "can you call your mom and dad and see if you can go live with them so I'm not in trouble anymore."

C.C.

answers from San Francisco on

"Go to your room until you're ready to re-join the rest of us."

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D..

answers from Charlotte on

This is what you say - "Well, I love YOU!" Then you tell them to again to do the same thing you told them to do in the FIRST place that they don't want to do. After all, their raw feelings come out and say this hurtful thing because they are upset at you because you're making them toe your line. The way to keep them from saying this for a different reason, (to manipulate you into getting what they want) is to ignore their statement other than what I have said above.

Above all, DON'T give into them when they say this. If you are willing to negotiate with them, teach them proper negotiation skills with you that DON'T include "I hate you."

It only took a few times with my kids with this same sentence, and acting the way I detail above, for them to not say it anymore.

Hope this helps!
Dawn

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A.G.

answers from Houston on

If at the store "Look! There's your school principal!" or "So? I'm still not buying you a new toy."

If at home "So? I'm still not letting you go over to play."

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A.C.

answers from Atlanta on

I think I would say something like, "That really hurts my feelings," or "How can you say that to your mama who loves you?" That's what I say when my kids hit me. When I used to baby-sit, I would say, "It's a free country" or "That's fine, but you still have to ~"

I suppose it would depend on the context.

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