My son is 6 1/2. He recently started public 1st grade and to us seems like he is having trouble making friends. His teacher says he is fine in the friend category. There are a couple of kids in his class that he fights with. He hits, kicks and yells at them. It is usually the same 2 or 3 kids. He is an only child and has commented to me recently that if he wasn't this would be easier for him. (Talk about Mommy guilt over that one!). This week his imaginary friend has come back 'from a long vacation' my son says. Should I worry about that or is it how he is coping with the new school and not having a lot of friends?
I agree with Patty, work with him on the physical fighting, not the imaginary friend. My dd is an only child and she had an imaginary sister for the longest time
She grew out of it.
I think you may be missing the bigger issue here. (Well, maybe you aren't missing it in real life, but as the post is written, the emphasis seems to be in the wrong place.) I am not sure why the focus is on the imaginary friend and not on the statement, "He hits, kicks and yells at" other kids.
I hope you, the teacher and the school counselor are already working together on that -- aren't you? If not, that is where the focus should be, and should have been. He may just need some maturity, he may feel overwhelmed by first grade's academics or being with all those new kids all at once, or he may have anger issues. Whatever the cause, the resulting actions are ones that can end up getting him suspended from school -- yes, even in first grade -- no matter how much he has any "reason" for lashing out in his own mind. Don't fret over an imaginary friend if he is at real, daily risk of getting into a kind of trouble that will label him (I'm sure parents of his classmates already know who he is; kids go home and talk about what happens in class). If you haven't already done so, it's time to sit down with the teacher, principal and counselor (not just the teacher) and come up with a specific plan to help him.
Only when that's being worked on daily and actively, think about his imaginary friend. And then be glad. If that is a coping mechanism for him, let him have it! There is no harm. If he were spending 24/7 talking about just this friend, or if the friend occupied all his thoughts, that would be an issue; and if he ever says "My friend is the one who tells me to hit Sam at school" and things like that -- yeah, big red flag. But if the friend is just that, a friend, who is just there for him to talk to -- that's good for him.
As for the "this would be easier if I had a sibling" stuff, you know to laugh that off, right? Because if you went ahead and gave him a new baby, he'd freak with jealousy. At his age he pictures a sibling as being his age or at least old enough to play with and mess with too. The reality of a sibling is utterly lost on him. Do not ever, ever feel guilty about having one child. It means you have the time and energy to volunteer at his school, participate in his interests, etc. And right now that time and energy should go into nipping these hitting-kicking-yelling outbursts as fast as possible, with help from the professionals.
Meanwhile: Do you have plenty of play dates for him? Time to start setting up play dates with the kids he identifies as friends at school. They are there because the teacher sees it. He might also benefit from Cub Scouts or another similar organized activity with an adult he will listen to and follow but who is not you or dad; however, wait on scouts etc. until he has stopped the roughness at school and is having successful (as in relatively conflict-free, no-hitting) play dates at home.
It's a coping mechanism. The imaginary friend will go away when he's no longer needed.
I would worry about the hitting, kicking and yelling. That's a problem. Not imaginary friend.
I think Leigh was spot on. Your son needs better coping strategies, and if it were my child, that would be the first area of focus. He needs to learn socially appropriate ways of dealing with stress and expressing his needs as well as his anger.
My son often suggests that he wishes he had a brother or sister. (He's the same age as your son.) When I expand on the question (asking him open-ended questions) what it really boils down to is that he wants a fantasy sibling who would be his age and play whatever he wanted to play. In short, he wants a clone. Do NOT let that part of this get to you. Kids with sibs often fantasize about being an 'only', right?
Talk to the teacher and school counselor. He needs help figuring out how to navigate his school day, how to find safe and healthy ways to release stress and anger. That's where I would focus first.
I wouldn't worry about the imaginary friend. That's a coping mechanism. However, your son shouldn't have to cope alone. While one or two fights aren't the end of the world, your son needs to understand that physical fighting is not an option. If he continues to struggle in this area -- and to have a hard time making friends -- I recommend counseling.
Yeah, it would be easier for him to fight with siblings if he had any rather than fight with strangers.
If a single child makes you happy then feel no guilt over it.
An imaginary friend is fine and he'll go back on vacation once your son feels like he doesn't need him anymore.
In school he's learning a lot - reading/writing, etc.
It was exhausting for our son.
In the 2nd grade I signed him up for after school taekwondo.
He got to meet some more people and burn off some energy after sitting in school all day.
We never felt a need to sign up for more than one activity at a time.
He was in middle school before he started learning clarinet and being in band.
Your son will be fine!
I opened up this thread, prepared to chew you out because I misread your title as "Imaginary friend is black." Yay for reading! ;-)
Hi S.
try not to let the only child comment get to you.. My son is an only child and he is 12.. for the last few years, he has said that he enjoys being an only child and wants to remain single.. :) so there is a chance your son's opinion could change and he might enjoy the perks of being an only child..
As for the imaginary friend, while my son never had one of those, he does tend to be slow to warm up to people. Although once he does, he interacts quite well. However, if he did have an imaginary friend, for my own peace of mind, I would speak to a counselor or have him go to one. .could even be for one visit.. I did this once when my son all of a sudden displayed fear about sitting in a car while at a gas station... we went to the therapist and he talked about why he feels as such.. after awhile, the fear subsided... I just think to make you feel better, why not give that route a try. I just know if it were me, I'd have a hard time not wanting to check into it.. and it would always be in the back of my mind if my son were ok.. nothing wrong with getting a professional opinion..
I wish you all the best
