Im Still Stuck..

Tell him NO, NO, and NO. As long as you let him have you AND his girlfriend, he'll keep both. Be firm and he'll have to make a decision, then at least you will know and can get on with life.

And get a lawyer right now if you haven't yet.

Hey, M., what a tough situation for you and your son. Let me first say that no matter what you do, there is always going to be a part of you that will love this man simply because he's a part of your child. That being said, I think the best part of this man is already completely yours and will always be (your son). For your son's sake, if not for yours, you need to put an end to this cycle you're in. If your son sees his mother allowing herself to be treated in such a manner, he's going to grow up thinking it's okay to treat women in the same manner and he'll lose respect for you. So no matter how much you love his father, your love for your little boy needs to take first place. It's hard to let go of a relationship, even if it does have no future, simply because we're all fools when it comes to love and we always hope things will change. They never do. The person your man is now is the person he is going to be. He will continue to treat you as he has, he'll continue to look at other women and act on his attractions, and he'll do it all without any regard for you or your child. Until you realize that you deserve better and start to demand better for yourself and your child, you'll continue to receive exactly what you're getting right now.

My best advice for you....make an appointment with a therapist. Have her/him help you rebuild your self-esteem and come up with some goals for what you want to have in your life and in your son's life. Maybe once you've gotten some self-esteem back, you'll be able to demand that your ex treat you with more respect and consideration than he has so far.

M.-
I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a conflicted time right now. I'm a marriage and family therapist and have dealt with clients in similar situations. For starters, you deserve much better than this and so does your son. I hear what you're saying in terms of loving him but what he is telling you and what he's actually doing are two different things. Start setting boundaries with him and not let him come over for a day or two at a time......not only does it confuse you and keep you hanging on, it can also be sending your son conflicted messages. I understand that saying no to someone you love is really hard but you need to take care of yourself.....on several levels.....physically, mentally and emotionally. You are your son's rock as it doesn't sound like his dad is stepping in too much....having said that, you need to be healthy for "the best thing that's ever happened to you". The more you allow this guy to come and go as he wants, the more he will.....until you set boundaries you are comfortable with and willing to follow through on, I'm afraid he may continue to take advantage of you. You aren't crazy for loving him and wanting it to work but unfortunately, you have some tough material to work with. He's not in a place to be the family he claims he wants to be.....his loss! Don't put your life on hold for this man........you may really regret it and you may pass up someone really great. Remember you are the biggest role model to your son so show him the strength you have. I don't mean to keep bringing him into this but he is a part of both of you. Like you mentioned, this guy comes back when he feels you getting a little stronger........Don't let him. He may not like you setting boundaries and moving on...he may push even harder for awhile but hopefully when he realizes you're serious, he'll find some amount of respect for you and let you go. I hope I'm not sounding too harsh but again, you and your son deserve better. Good luck to you and rely on your support systems to get you through this. Enjoy your little man....they really are the best things to happen :)

You're in such a difficult position and I think it's wonderful that you're trying to find a way through it!

It can be really hard to separate what someone does and what someone says, especially when you care for them and have a child with them... But in this instance, the way he's treating you says so much more than whatever he may be saying in the moments when he's convincing you that he wants to be in your life. If he were interested, he wouldn't be seeing someone else. Period. That's not how people who want a relationship to work out behave. That's not something that I would be particularly interested in having back, if I were in your position.

I know that this doesn't really help you from moment-to-moment, though. Maybe if you think about your son, and the relationship you're modeling for him, that would help? If you continue to tolerate his father's treatment of you, you're teaching him (a) that it's okay to treat women with disrespect, and (b) that it's okay to disrespect you. Also, that you don't respect yourself.

You mentioned that you've gone out and met other men- maybe this is a time in your life when you need to not worry about meeting other men and instead worry about yourself and your son and building a life that doesn't need a man in it to make it work. Once you've done that for yourself, you'll meet men if you want to, but you'll do it knowing that you don't need them to have a good life. And it can make all the difference in the world when you feel that way- a whole different kind of man.

For the day-to-day stuff, some of the other respondents mentioned affordable counseling. Sounds like a great idea to me. Even if it's something that you wouldn't normally consider for yourself, it's something that your son would probably benefit from; the back-and-forth between you and your ex has to be confusing for him, and having somewhere to work that out would help him a lot.

I wish you luck!

M.

HI, M.!

You have a lot of great advice here. I just wanted to add a way to help you implement some of the advice. Do you have a close friend or family member you can ask to help you? I am thinking that if you call them to come over when he shows up, then there will not be any temptation for you to deal with. Also, they can help you ask him to leave after he has had time with his son. Also, one other post advised you to set up child support. DO IT NOW! I have a 10 year old from a previous relationship. He had tried to snowball me and told me he would give me money whenever I needed it for day care, diapers, whatever. And I think he was honestly trying to help, but there were plenty of times when he would say he did not have any money and he would get me some after his next pay day. I finally after 6 months went and set up child support because I did not like asking for money all the time. I'd rather someone else tell him what he should help out with. Do not be alone with this man until you can control your feelings for him. You will always love him, but in time you will be able to see him without needing him in your life. I will pray for you and your beautiful son!

I am so sorry- because I have been in love with someone who didn't treat me the way I deserved and it sucks because you have to make your brain fight your heart. The thing is he will get away with what he can. Have you read the book "The Rules"- get it, read it and live it. You have to be sure that you take care of your son so get a legal document around support.

Don't let him see you hurt, get up- move on and you don't need to find a new man,just find yourself! Once you find your strength you will be a great role model for your son-you definately don't want him to see you treated like this. He can't be raised to think that it is acceptable treatment. By doing this for your son- you will give him more than your relationship is currently giving him!

Dear M.,
Because you love your son and want to be a great mom, use this as your source of power to do the right thing. Do not get pulled down by this man who is not worth your time or heartache. Do not try to replace him with someone else, it will end up only with the same thing until you work on yourself first.

Pull yourself together and put him out of your mind entirely, get a therapist to help you if you can't do it on your own. Work on making a great life for your son and yourself. Do something that will help build your self esteem back up again like; get an education, get regular exercise, work as hard as you can at being an outstanding mom, work hard and get that awesome promotion at work. If you put the effort into yourself and your son you will be so happy. A happy, confidant, educated and hard working woman is irresistible to any Mr. right! Any work you can put into yourself is worth more than anything else in this world!!!! Good luck!

Hi Honey:
THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER. He just wants you to be available to him if and when his needs are not met elsewhere. Pray and look to God for an answer. He knows and sees what is happening and he will not continue to let it happen. Ask God for the strength and the wisdom to get out of this relationship. Your son needs you and he needs you to be a strong woman and don't let ANY man walk all over you. Wake up and smell the foul play. If he was going to get back with you he would not have went and found someone else so fast!! Let him go, yeah it hurts but the pain subsides with time. Go out with your friends and live a little. You don't necessarily have to be looking for a relationship with a man when you go out. Treat yourself good do not count on another person to treat you good. Whatever you do,STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM when you know that he is sleeping with another woman. She may not be the only one that he is sleeping with. It will only be a matter of time before he gets her or someone else pregnant. He does not sound like a responsible person and therefore he probably is careless. He could give you an incurable disease or something. He is playing mind games with you and you need to stop falling for them. Concentrate on your son and raise him to be a decent respectable human being. Teach him the right way to treat a woman. As you can see now his father won't be able to teach him the right way to treat a lady as he appears not to know how to do it himself. So he can come over and cuddle with his son as much as he likes BUT HE IS NOT A MAN when he is not showing his son's mother RESPECT, KINDNESS, LOVE AND LOYALTY and I can tell by your words that these things you deserve. Keep your head up honey and say goodbye to that CHEATING LOSER!! WHEN GOD TAKES SOMETHING AWAY FROM YOU HE IS NOT PUNISHING YOU, BUT HE JUST WANTS YOU TO OPEN YOUR HEART TO RECEIVE SOMETHING BETTER. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR SON.

P. S. find somewhere else where he can come to see his son. Your mother's house or his mother's house. There are other options out there take advantage of them and stop being taken advantage of. You deserve better.

When you love something set it free. If it comes back to you its yours. If it doesn't, it never was.

Honey, he will eat your food, sleep with you, and treat your apartment as a flop house for as long as you let him. Actions speak louder than words, and if wanted to work on your relationship, he wouldn't be dating another woman, and moving all of his belongings out of your house. IT'S OVER.

Talk to a counselor to help you move on. There are free and low-cost counselors out there; United Way can provide you with more information. (Also, if you live in the Twin Cities metro, there is a free counseling service in South Mpls on Chicago Avenue. I have gone there and highly recommend them.) Also, if you attend a church, your pastor would be a good person to talk to.

Who you socialize with is no longer his concern, but you don't need to be out meeting men. Your priorities should be getting back into a healthy state of mind, and being a good mom.

Contact your county's Child Support Office TODAY and get the payments formalized. The $75/week he is paying right now is a joke. Also, draft up a parenting plan that details visitation, phone calls, holidays, etc. If you two can't come to an agreement on your own, you will have to look into mediation or getting a family lawyer.

If you choose to continue to have him visit your son at your house, you don't need to be there when he comes over. In fact, I would recommend for now that you not be there. Have a friend or family member be at your house during the visit, and don't come home until he's left. You can communicate over the phone with him.

A year or two from now, when you look back on this, you will shake your head. You deserve to be treated better.

Another man is not the answer. You have to be ready to let go of your son's father before you would even be ready to look at another man. You need to stick up for yourself. What you said about him sensing you pulling away is exactly right. He has learned the minimal amount of work that he has to do to keep you just close enough. Yes, I know that you want a father for your son. But unfortunately, you can't make that decision. That is only a decision he can make. Set some rules and stick to them. Write them down if you have to and put them someplace obvious so you see them everyday. For instance:

1) he can't stay the night
2) He needs to call before he comes over
3) You won't be intimate with him anymore unless you two are back together for good (and he is acting like it)
4) If he wants to see his son, then he can either schedule a time and place that work for both of you, or he can come pick him up (or visit at daycare)

The next time that you know you are going to see him, explain what your new rules are. He will probably act like that is completely fine with him, but then as soon as he is over, he will start to try and push the line. Just remember that this is your life and you have a right to be happy in it. Right now, he is not making you happy.

If he says that he wants to be back together with you, and you also want that, start slow. Make him prove to you that he really means it and that he is ready to do what that takes. That means no other girl and it also means that he doesn't sponge off of you.

It will really be hard at first and he will probably try and make you feel guilty. But again, you have every right to be happy. The more that you stick up for yourself, the better you will feel and the easier it will become. If he shapes up, great. But don't go into this, thinking that will automatically happen. Either way though, in the end, you will be happy with yourself and your son will be a better man for that.

I know this is so Dr. Phil but we teach people out to treat us. Don't waste another second of your time on this guy - he isn't worth it. You deserve more. Your son should be your priority, not dating/finding a new man. Not yet anyway. You stated in another request that your son's father is an illegal immigrant. You so have leverage here. I'm not saying turn him in - for your sons sake that wouldn't be fair. But YOU can make the rules. Let him see his son but it needs to be on your terms and in writing and consistent. As your son gets older, he'll need a more stable environment, not his Daddy coming and going as he pleases.

I wish you the best,
M.

My grandmother used to say, "tiger's don't change their stripes". In the end I've pretty much always found this to be true. The way your son's father is behaving is self centered, immature and just plain rude. What you see is what you've got. Do you really want more of the same in your life? He "needs time"? Well, at least he's honest about that. He does need time, time to grow up and IF that ever happens it's going to be many years from now. He's attracted to a woman half your age, because, emotionally he's half your age too. I guess I'm on the other end of the ride you want to get on. Seventeen years ago I married a man that I knew was an addict/alcoholic. My friends and family knew too, but I was adamant about being with him (true love will conquer all!). Now I'm 40, have two beautiful children (you've got the beautiful child, so consider his job done), spent almost 1/2 my life taking care of a man that lied to me constantly, never earned any money (I took care of that) and was moody and rotten 1/2 the time to our children and most of the time to me. I'm divorcing him on tuesday. I've spent thousands of dollars on therapy, as a part of the divorce agreement, I am signing over my life savings to him, so I can keep the house. How this is fair, i'm not sure, but really, tiger's don't change their stripes...... you can go through the pain of separating yourself & your son from him now, or you can do it in about 20 years, when it's like paying off a credit card with major time missed a payment and went over my limit interest due.