okay when we got married we tried living there to save money to buy a new house and everyone but him went to work or school all day (he had just had surgery) and i didnt go to work until 3 so i was there all day with him, and he would make me tuck him into bed and cater to him all day and i felt obligated to sense it was his house... or he would force me to watch movies with him and if i said no he would throw a fit about it so to save the trouble i would but he would always sit on the same couch as me... even if i layed down on the love seat he would tell me to sit up so he could sit there, when there was a big couch he could sit on... i also babysat my niece and nephew other there over night, well he never cared for my nephew (btw both kids were extreamly well behaved) he was two and my niece was 1 and he would always grab my niece and make her sit with him even though she would try to get up... and one time he started rubbing her butt so i snatched her up and took her to our room and put her to bed, then the next day he grabbed her and started kissing her neck and i just feel like thats a sexual thing, so again i snatched her and took her to our room and put her to sleep... i never said anything to him that it looks creepy for him to do those things cause i didnt want to cause drama in a family i just married into, well then a few nights later i woke up and he was in our room trying to take my niece to his room so she could sleep in there which i think is very creepy... well we've been moved out for 3 months now and i dont babysit for my sister anymore and everytime he sees me hes like when are u going to bring that pretty baby over here for me to love on... and it just makes me feel very uncomfortable, now i am 4 months pregnant and terrified to have my child around him, and i love my mother in law to death and she keeps saying how she wants to keep the baby over night at her house and stuff and i dont feel like she would stand up to him if something happened... and if it did i dont think she would tell me... also there 13 year old daughter is terrified of him along with there 15 year old son, so am i over reacting, and if not how can i go about keeping my baby away from him with out having the whole family mad at me
*i dont want to make them mad because hes a mommas boy and we rent from her so she would kick us out there is no lease so we wouldnt be able to do anything but be stuck with no home... my husband even doesnt like him and he agrees with me and if i say something i know he will have dss up my tail about something... and hes really high up in the law so i think it wouldnt do any good... and the other two teens wont admit to anything creepy happening... and his wife and him have different rooms she cant stand him but if for some reason scared to leave him, and i already know that my baby will never be near him with out me staring him down, and i dont have any proof to tell on him other than mainly my gut feeling... im a stay at home wife right now and plan on being a stay at home mom until my kid goes to school so i have no reason for the baby to be left anywhere
*thanks for the advice but to whoever thinks i should move into my own place i did three months ago... we lived there for 4 weeks and i couldnt stand being around him so we left, now we're renting and looking for a house to buy
*and yes i told my sister which is why i stopped watching them i didnt want them over there and neither did she... and my husband cussed him out for trying to take her, if i gave every detail as to what reactions were and my whole situation it would have been a lot longer... as soon as he would pick her up i would take her its not like i just sat back and watched... everyone is jumping down my throat like im the creeper, im only 19 and ive never been in this kind of situation which is why im trying to get advice...
ALSO i am well aware that my childs safety is most important and the inlaws feelings arent important compared to my babys well being... which is also why im trying to figure out what to do before the baby is born... nothing is going to happen to my baby... cause no one is going to be left alone with him/her... i dont work or anything i am a stay at home wife and going to be a stay at home mom my kid is always going to be in sight.... so PLEASE everyone stop acting like im putting my childs safety last... because im not, if i was i wouldnt have posted asking for advice...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
im going to get my husband to talk to the other two kids and see if they will admit to anything, becuase i dont have proof of anything to go by and i cant call the cops over a gut feeling, and some situations that could easily be covered by lies and never thought of again... and ive already said my baby isnt going to be around him alone... and i know if something like that happened to my baby it would be there for life... im not making up excuses like some of yall think i just dont want to go about doing anything in a stupid way and end up with everyone retaliating and still nothing done about it... so i guess ill figure it out on my own sense almost everyone wants to just fuss at me like im in the wrong for trying to do something about it the right way
You probably can't, but you absolutely have to-print this letter and take it to CPS. Tell no one. See what they recommend.
Someone needs to say something. I am a firm believer in our mother intuition, and yours was set off. I'm sorry, but this guy could be dangerous. What if, you found out he was doing more, or attempting to do more? Is keeping quiet for the sake of no family drama, worth a child being harmed? You know who won't be mad? The children you protect and save from this sick creep. Who cares if they will be mad? It's our duty to protect the innocent. What if it were YOUR child, and someone was keeping quiet, so as to keep the peace? How livid would you be?
Oh, and goodness...you have TWO teenagers terrified of this man. Something is going on. This needs to be investigated. The adults in your family are failing these children. B., PLEASE do the right thing and speak to the authorities or someone. So far, no one has done the right thing...and that's wrong.
ETA: Do you not know most children who are abused, never say anything? They are manipulated with fear. Even his own wife fears him. You can justify why you "can't" say anything all you want. The fact is, you can allow this man to possibly hurt someone...or you can keep quiet. If it comes out he has hurt someone, I hope that you can't look at yourself in the mirror. YOU are an adult. YOU speak for those who can't, or are too afraid to. YOU don't make excuses, for bad people. Or, you do...and then you allow the cycle to continue. Again, if your daughter was abused and adults suspected, but never said anything...how would you feel? Would you accept their lame excuses? You will either do what is RIGHT, or you won't. If you won't, you deserve all the consequences from your inaction.
Don't pay any attention to the negative comments. You are doing the exact right thing here. Just from the get go say that you are not going to leave your baby overnight. You do not owe anyone an explanation for this. I would also enlist your sister to be there as your backup if you ever would need an emergency person to leave your child with. Or whomever else might be in your family that could do it.
And then slowly but surely disassociate with his family. Again, no explanations. It is better off for them to dislike you because you don't come around enough. You can live with that.
Your niece wasn't even related to him and he is trying to get her to sleep in his room????? If I was your sister and you didn't tell me this, I would be so upset with you for not telling me this. You put your niece and nephew in a situation that your sister had no idea about. You should have made a stink when you woke up to him taking your niece out of your room into his. I would have said "what the hell are you doing"?? and it would not have been said softly either.
You need to discuss this situation with your husband. But there are two kids in that household that might need you to be a hero.
It comes down to one question: Is it more important to protect your child from potential molestation or is it more important to stay on the good side of your inlaws? If you are leaning toward the second answer, you need to reevaluate your own thinking. If you are leaning toward the first answer, don't falter. Be the chain breaker.
First, good for you for stepping up for your niece and telling your sister. You have to talk to your hubby. He doesn't have to agree with you but he needs to know how you feel and why and agree with you on steps to protect your child (and hopefully the teens involved).
You don't have to have proof of anything to refuse unsupervised or overnight visits. You are the mom and that is all the proof you need.
I agree with the others to let CPS know your concerns and let them investigate him. Red flags all over the place.
Regarding your future baby, there is no reason for you to let the baby sleep there. If you want to be delicate to your inlaws and not come out and say "no way" because FIL gives you the creeps, then just tell them that it would be too emotionally hard on you to be separated from the baby for even one night. As others mentioned, if you are nursing, that is the perfect excuse. Even if you are not nursing, its very normal/natural for a mom to want their child with them (at least under same roof) every night. There is no reason you should feel obligated to let your child sleep at Grandma's.
I don't know if you are reading too much into it or not. Could be hormonal, could be that he is a creep.
All I can say is that I trust my gut. If my gut tells me something is wrong, then it usually is.
I cringed when I read your post. Although he may be the most loving man on earth and not mean a thing by these actions, he is sending some strong negative signals to your maternal instincts.
How well can you communicate with your husband? If you can't, then the next time you get the creeps or witness him acting in this manner, especially with a child, blatently point it out to FIL that although he may not mean to but he is coming across very shady. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you have picked up on this behavior and you will not allow it around you or any children.
Are you planning on breastfeeding? Its a great excuse not to let people take baby overnight or be alone with baby. just say sorry, I am babys food, she has to stay with me. By the time shes old enough to wean you can just say she wont sleep anywhere but her own bed. I would not leave your baby alone with this man even if it means problems with your husband. Your #1 responsibility now is keeping baby safe, not pleasing everyone else.
WELCOME TO MAMAPEDIA!!!
Interesting first question!
Here's the thing. (And this question has a few red flags making me question if it's for real or not...)
As an adult, provide a home for YOUR family and then you can control where your kid(s) do and do not go. And who can and cannot "watch" them without your supervision.
The whole "we rent from them", or "we lived there so..." just NEVER works out.
When you & husband stand completely on your own 4 feet, you will have more power over all of your circumstances. And Thanksgiving dinner will taste better.
Well I haven't had to be in this situation but i do know what it's like to try and keep peace with the in-laws while also trying to look out for the best interest of my children. My in-laws and I just don't see eye to eye on things when it comes to my kids. So I have had to put my foot down (in the nicest way possible) and so you will too. My in-laws wanted my kids to spend the night before and I just told them "no thank you" in the nicest way. I just said that I don't want to spend a night without my kids. I sleep better knowing they are not up crying or upset because I wasn't there for them at bedtime. I know my in-laws still wanted them to sleep over but what else could they say about it? I think you got lots of good feed back already. I just wanted to add that you can and will tell your in-laws "no" to whatever you want to. You are the mother and the boss of your children. So just always try to do it in the nicest way in order to keep the peace.
Sounds like you know what to do, just stand your ground and NEVER leave him alone with any child. Your gut is telling you something, trust it, whether you have proof or not does not matter, trust that gut!
It's going to be hard, but you need to talk to your husband and deal with protecting those children. That man is dangerous, from what you have described. The key is you and your husband united I think, because there is NO happy ending here - there is only the happy ending of protecting the 13 year old girl, and your own children. You MUST protect your family. You have to get your husband to see what's going on.
Here's my one advice. Talk to your husband about how you do not want your baby with your FIL. Agree together about what you will say to MIL and FIL if they ask for her to stay with them without either of you around. I think your husband will support you on this. And please ,don't worry about the MIL kicking you out of your rental--that's just fear getting the best of you. Just talk to your hubby and run scenarios "what would we do if she threatened kicking us out?. What would we do if they stopped over uninvited?, What about holidays... will we go over and how will we watch our child?"
Things you can do are have MIL come over to your place to be with the baby, meet at a park, have an excuse as to why you can't stay at their house long. You can do it. You are on the right track, you see a problem and want to protect the kids involved.
As a Mom and Dad, you have tough decisions to make. Dealing with wacked-out family dynamics is one of the big ones. Everyone seems to know something is not right with FIL, so you should expect that people will be understanding, even if they don't admit to the underlying issue.
I guess other people have suggested getting FIL checked out with the law...of course you might want to do that, but in the meantime, you need to figure out effective ways to have your baby protected, regardless of whether he is prosecuted. Just be ready for the awkwardness of standing your ground. It seems like you were complacent before because you didn't want to rock the boat. Time to put our tough skin on and think less about pleasing people. It's very likely that as you stand your ground, people wont get as upset as you imagined. If they do get upset, the united front that you have with your husband will show them that there is no point in getting all worked up.
Move into your own place!
Why didn't you call the police on him if you WITNESSED him doing these things to your niece? Easiest decision I would ever make. I would have not only told your sister but I would have called the police the instant I took that baby girl out of his arms and again after seeing him trying to remove her from where she was sleeping. You are obligated to report him as a child molester since you witnessed him doing it. If he was that overt with someone watching, imagine what he's already done in private.
Great first question! Welcome to MP!!!
