I'm Perplexed.

I do that too when my husband is gone. The best advice I can give you is to go ahead and live out the fantasy when he does come through that door and says "Hi Love". He probably has the same fantasy all day as well.... and each day it dissipates the moment he walks in.
I suggest you continue to live it out and just follow through with it.
Life is short.
One day he might not com through that front door.

Is resentment in your heart about something? It may not have anything to do with the hubby but when we let resentment grow without addressing it, it turns into a emotional roller coaster.

I used to do this all the time with my husband and, to be honest, I hated myself for it. I LOVED my husband! He was a great husband! He is a good provider, an AWESOME dad ( I mean he will play for hours, read a book, give a bath, change a diaper, give medicine, put them to bed - litterally anything I can do, he will do). He loves me to pieces and thinks I am beautiful, he never looks at other women, he will literally give me what I ask for to the point that I won't ask because he will do it even if he shouldn't.

I don't say all this to brag. I say this to point out that I had absolutely NO reason to be upset or cold to him. I would miss him all day! I couldn't wait until I saw him in the evening. Then he would walk in the door and I would just close up. I would get irritated over nothing.

I did a lot of soul searching and here is what I came up with for me:

I had a horrible experience in my first marriage. The "go to the battered women's shelter" kind of experience. And, while I knew him and loved him, I didn't trust him, not because of anything he did, but because marriage equalled being unsafe to me and subconsiously I felt I had put myself in an unsafe situation, so I was constantly on guard.

He was everything I wanted in a man. I had only had experience with losers. This guy is a winner. I had learned to have no expectations, which was fine, because if you expect nothing and you get nothing you aren't disappointed. I kept finding myself having expectations of him, and he met all of them. But, if he didn't then I was setting myself up to be HUGELY disappointed.

I was pushing him to see what it would take to make him change into the ugly person my first husband had been. Like a child who has been abused and tests authority constantly waiting for their foster parent or care giver to turn, I needed some kind of boundary. What was too much, when would it end and the "real" guy would come out?

I had to face my own demons. I had to see why I was so guarded, what was making me so angry, why I wasn't giving him what he needed and so obviously deserved. It really had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. I was keeping myself to myself. Not giving the vulnerability of my unconditional love. It was fear and self preservation.

In admitting this to myself I was able to work through it all. I was able to see that I had nothing to fear. He was taking care of my heart and I didn't need to guard it so closely. At first I had to "fake till I made it." It was very uncomfortable to me to give myself to him in an emotional way. It was like I was embarassed! The more I did it, the easier it was. He was and is still that great guy. The sky has never fallen, and I am more than fine.

It saved my marriage, I am sure of it. And, it's made me a person I like so much more.

L.

Wow - this is me EXACTLY!

I think of how nice I am going to be to hubby when I get home, how I am going to offer to cook his fav meal even though I am exhuasted from working 10 hours, how I am going to not even consider turning him down for sex or even initiate it myself. Then, real life sets in and he upsets me and I don't do any of what I planned. It makes me sad. And perplexed.

I think it is healthy to think the way we do about our spouses - in an affectionate manner. I think the key is changing our current habits. We may be in a rut, or we just to need to train ourselves to carry out those thoughts we have during the day. We are in a pattern and simply need to break it.

I know for husband and I lately, we have been arguing and things are not happy at our homestead the way they need to be. This contributes greatly to my attitude at home.

good luck! I know exactly what you mean!

*Edit: Eagles in our home hit it on the head, at least for me. I have such resentment toward my husbands. He has hurt me so badly and I am unable to let it all go yet, mainly because he continues to do it.

I have felt the exact same thing. For me, it's that I have too much going on in the evenings when he gets home that I get frustrated that he doesn't help me with them. He gets home from his job and gets on the computer to do more work. I make dinner, serve dinner, wait for him to come and sit at the table with us (sometimes i serve him dinner at the computer). No 'thanks'. Then I wash the dishes. No 'thanks.' Then i give the boy a bath while he sits on the couch or at the computer. No 'thanks.' I get his coffee and lunch ready for the next day with yet again, no 'thanks.' So by then, I am no longer in the mood and all of the day's thoughts and feelings fizzle away b/c I am too annoyed that I worked my butt off all evening and didn't even get a thanks.

Does that sound like the same reason for you?

How to stop this mindset? I guess for every negative, find 3 positives. In my case, I'd say "Well he worked all day at work, so that I could stay home with our son. He didn't complain about the food, so it must've tasted okay. He doesn't want to come home and do more work, so I shouldn't complain about that. He only does that to provide for our family......." Sometimes to get me in the mood, I just have to fantasize about our dating days when we'd make out on the couch.

Fantasy (all day) is never as good as reality (when he comes home). But you can turn it around by just doing it! Hard to just do it tho until you get used it it, and make it a routine. example: if you are sitting on the couch reading a book, and the doorbell rang, wouldnt you get up and go answer? If you were in the middle of cookikng dinner, and your toddler suddenly threw up, wouldnt you go help him and clean up the mess? If you were laying on the couch napping and the smoke/fire alarm went off, wouldnt you get up and grab the kids and get out? If you answered "yes" to any of those questions then you have the power and ability to change the pattern of when your guy comes home. You just put that time in the same catagory as the other situations and you JUST DO IT! When the door opens and he walks in after work, you JUST GET UP, and go greet him. If it was an emergency you wouldnt ignor it, so treat your husbands arrival after work as if it were an emergency and greet him the way youve been thiinking about all day. You know, he has probably been dreaming all day about the warm comforting loving welcome he will get when he gets home, and you disapoint him each time. It can slowly eat away at your relationship. So, just think about it as you would any other important time that needs your attention NOW,, and it will become habit and routine and you will find it easy to continue doing it. and yes I have felt the same way and just sat here day after day when he came home, and it really sets the mood for the entire evening and its not so happy or fun. I just get up and hug and kiss, and walk down the hall with him while he changes clothes, and it brightens the whole night for us. You just have to do it.

Wow! I missed the simular question the first time around... but you just described me also! Then I feel guilty because at the end of the day I didn't do all the things either. I wish I had an answer for you as to why I did this but I will be watching what others say!

I don't know if my feeling is exactly the same, but I discuss it wth my husband. He laughs at me because I brign EVERYTHING to the table. Periodically I'll just come out and ask him if he's got a girlfriend. Not that I ever think he does, but it's one of the things on my list when I do a marraige check. I ask him pointed questions about what he thinks of our relationship (not just our "marriage" but how we actually relate to each other). I tell him that I love him and feel all gooey for him all day and then it's sometimes hard for me to follow through when I get home. I tell him when I need something from him or when I don't know what I need. I tell him when it's something that I need to work on myself but just want to give him a heads up. I open up to him about this stuff for two very specific reasons (other than that he is my best friend and I enjoy talking to him about everything). 1. It gives my husband a heads up so he is never in the dark about what's going on inside this crazy, busy head of mine. 2. It gets the issue out of my head and onto the table so it cannot be ignored. It makes me accountable for my role in what happens between us.

Of course, I don't know your marriage, but I wonder if verbalizing this to your husband might start a healthy dialogue and lighten the load that you seem to be carrying alone. The issue of resentment was mentioned earlier, and I think that that is valid. I don't mean to beat this drum to death, but verbalizing my resentments to my husband has been really helpful. Even when I realize that there's really nothing for him to do to change it. (Like, I am the main caregiver for the baby, so I resent that he can just choose to take a shower and then do it, when I have to call in the special forces to vote on when I can put it on the calendar. That's not his fault.)

Do you have kids? It could be that all the stress involved with working, the kids needing so much from you, etc, just makes it difficult to act on the feelings you have when out of the situation. Have you seen the movie "Fireproof"? It is a wonderful example of how sometimes forcing yourself to do the things you know you should do, even if you don't really "feel it" can eventually cause you to actually really feel the way you know you should. It may also be worth talking to a counselor to try to discern why you feel the way you feel. If you keep neglecting your husbands need for affection and loving words and actions, your marriage relationship will deteriorate. It sounds like your husband is a good guy who deserves all the love and affection you want to show him and know he desires. Good luck!

Thank you everyone for your input on this. I realize after reading all this, that I need to get up and run to my husband the minute he walks in and give him love. I always wait for him to do it, but that's not fair... thank you for your input and advice! It's invaluable!

I do it too, L.. My guy is gone ALL WEEK. All week we chat, text, email, talk on the phone, I feel great love for him, miss him, flirt shamelessly, really enjoy our long distance closeness. Then when he gets home Friday, i feel edgey, irritable, distant.

Strangest thing.

And I wholly agree Eagles, and hadn't thought before about it, but she's RIGHT, there IS a little resentment, unresolved issues.....

Still, like Grandma T says, I TRY, I HATE it that I have to TRY to be that person I was while he was away.....thing is once I TRY, before I realize it, it's coming naturally again, we're settling in for a nice weekend, we're relaxed, we're in love, we're lucky to be together.

HE doesn't seem to HAVE any such problems. He does not need any 'transition period'. He just walks in the door, damn near in tears he's so glad to see me, to be here with me and the kids....

But, yeah, it really IS a curious thing, isn't it?

:)

me too! I've bookmarked this so I can go back & read question/responses over again! Thanks.

I think it's partly child(ren) around/that drama + tiredness....in my case

I actually don't do this with my husband, but do it with MYSELF!! I had posted a question about why I'm such a procrastinator and I think someone mentioned I might have ADD and I think they are right! Its the same damn thing you talk about...thinking about how I'm going to do this and that and so excited to get it done and what happens...nothing. I sit on the couch all day and watch tv and work on my laptop, like I can only manage to do the very BASICS when I know I MUST do so many other things...but it just doesn't happen.

BUT I'm NOT like this with hubby. I jump right up off the couch the second he gets home and kiss him hello! He works very hard for us outside the home and he does most of the housework as well and never complains about it. He tells me over and over that the only job I HAVE to do is take care of the kids, which I do. So crazy!

So I think the people that mentioned about resentment or some kind of unresolved issues may be right. So I understand about "wanting" and "intending" to do something and then just not doing it but not knowing "why". I hope you figure out something that will help you!