I'm Just Being Silly and Paranoid - Right?

I don't think something fishy is going on. Just nervous about how to tell you.a bit rehearsed, but understandable.

There's so much more involved with "could there be something fishy going on" type questions that I hesitate to even answer. So I'm going to go with Occam's Razor.

1. If he's given you an actual reason in the past for you not to trust him, then yes, something fishy could be going on.

2. If not, then it's just a strange coincidence that he was talking about it last night and was tapped today for some travel.

Either way, I think you should talk to your husband about your concerns.

ETA: My husband rarely calls me from work either. Unless he has some important question, like, "do we have any scheduling conflicts that would be a problem if I have to go out of town until Thursday?" I think that's an approriate reason to call.

You know, I skimmed through your past questions and noticed that you have a bit of history with not trusting your husband, not liking to be alone, or not liking his traveling out of town. This isn't something new. So I would ask YOU a question: When are you going to talk to your husband, or perhaps seek some marital counseling from your pastoral staff so you can get PAST this issue? It's past time.

ETA2: When some of us suggested talking with your husband, we didn't mean RIGHT NOW. Wait until he gets home from work, or if he's already stressed due to work, wait until he gets home from his trip.

I'm sorry, what's fishy about this? He called you from work, because he was asking you. I'm sure the boss had the clock ticking and wanted to know.

The fact that you won't ask him, is a HUGE problem. You should be able to express your doubts, fears, and worries to your spouse. If you can't, your marriage is not in a good place.

He was asked to go out of town on an unexpected date. He called and emailed to ask you about it. He clearly needs to know fairly soon, if there are any conflicts. I find your emotional reaction, to this very straightforward situation...odd. I think you need to ask yourself what is REALLY bothering you here.

I travel for work. At first I liked getting away, but after a bit, it became tedious, and I missed my family.

Sometimes I put off telling my husband something because of the way he will respond. Maybe, if your response to when your husband tells you he's going out of town is negative, he may be anxious about telling you, and so acts in a fishy way. I know I do with my husband.

OK.. I found your post very hard to get through.
. I could never live with that level of paranoia in my marriage.
My husband travels a lot for work.
I have no doubt in my mind that he'd rather be home with me and our son.
If either O. of us would rather live the single life then we would leave and do it.
When my husband travels for work I know that he's doing what's best for our family and I just put my big girl panties on and deal.
Good luck!

If you're this suspicious, of course he was nervous and probably that's why he rehearsed what to say to you. I would do the same in his position. He knew it would probably upset and/or anger you so he was trying to get his ducks in a row. And he called back so very quickly with the boss's statement about coming home a day early because he hoped that that statement would please you. Doesn't seem to have worked, though.

Why the suspicions? You mention first and at length that those who travel for work get to have evenings free. Non-kid, non-stress time. You mention that you have a child who raises issues almost daily. So...you are the parent left to deal with her when he travels; we get that. But frankly, can you step back from your own emotions long enough to read your whole post as if you were reading a stranger's post? It comes across as if you are, let's be really honest, quite clearly jealous of the fact he gets to "have just peace and quiet for the evenings."

It's natural to feel some jealousy like that, I think, especially when you have a child at home who is, by your own admission and in your own words, "a handful."

But why does all this translate so very quickly into some vague suspicions? What exactly do you suspect? If you think he's seeing someone else, come out and say it. If you are mostly feeling "suspicious" when the actual feeling is "jealous that he's once again getting to have some peace and quiet" -- try to be clear with yourself about what you're really feeling here.

You mention that you've "seen him in action" trying to "cover up" with other people. No idea what that was about and whether it's reason to suspect him of something. It seems that you are trying hard not to say what you really suspect. But based on what you said in the whole first half of the post, the issue really seems to be your own wish that he was there to help you with the kids and/or that you were in his shoes and could have time off from the kids -- peace and quiet. That's understandable, totally, but the way you dance around both sides of this (your own jealousy and your unnamed suspicions) leaves me wondering what you really think is going on.

Unless you have a real reason to think he is lying to you, why not think the best of your spouse and assume, as you put it, that "he was just nervous about telling me about going out of town since he knows that I don't like it much"? I would assume the best rather than the worst. Clearly he knows that you don't like his travel, and he might have been trying to protect himself from your reaction to a trip that was forced on him by his boss suddenly.

My husband travels out of state every few months for a weekend at a time. He's either doing training, continuing ed conferences, or conducting speaking engagements. I can't freak out over them, even though it makes my weekends lonely and a bit tougher, because what good would that do? I trust my husband. I trust that he'd rather be with his kids and I than some random people hundreds of miles away. I also know that he is afraid of flying and it causes him anxiety, so if he's doing it, it isn't something that he's excited about. He does it because he works his behind off for us.

He was probably calling you, in addition to the message, because his boss was probably pressing him for an immediate answer.

Relax. Deep breaths. Glass of wine.

Nothing sounds fishy except for your over-reaction. From where does this insecurity stem?

I think some people love to travel. My husband hated it and gave up promotions so he wouldn't have to do it. He's an advertising copywriter, and there's an old joke about art directors or writers sticking a palm tree in the commercial so it has to be shot in southern California or the Caribbean and they get to travel/party. But my husband hated that stuff - he doesn't love flying, and the "free evenings" are really just a bad hotel room with a TV and either room service or dining alone. And the airport stuff - all that waiting and all that security and all those delays, plus jet lag and time differences? Not everyone's cup of tea. My husband would travel across country to get home on the weekends even if he had to go back to California for Monday morning. Horrible stress but he just wanted to be with the family and no partying with a couple of 20-somethings.

My guess is your husband really thought September was it, and then his boss sprung something on him. Your husband may have hemmed and hawed, saying he just told you September. The boss leaned on him and said, "Well, if you have to ask your wife for permission, do it fast and get back to me." Hence the double messages and the same wording. Maybe the boss was even within earshot?

However, you say you have seen your husband be less than honest with others - hard to know if he's covering his own butt or trying to let them down easily without hurting them or divulging something they don't really know. If you've never been on the receiving end of this, you may just be unnecessarily nervous. Does he rehearse his pre-planning speeches with you? So maybe he's taking you into his confidence but wouldn't ever do to you what he does to others? Is he traveling with women you're jealous of? Has he ever given you a reason to suspect him? Or is he not hands-on enough with the kids anyway so you feel he's jumping at the chance to get away from family life?

I guess the answers to these questions will tell you whether you have an overall trust issue with your husband. If you do, then the travel isn't the problem. The lack of trust is.

Sometimes they need to know if you can travel quickly so they can find someone else if you can't, so when you did not respond right away to the email that is more then likely why he called.

My husband travels a lot, last year he was gone more then he was home. He leaves for 4-6 weeks at a time and sometimes is home for as little as 2 weeks in-between. He admits he like to travel, he loves to see new things and meet new people, and the down time away from kids and family is nice. I don't begrudge him and I am glad he does not feel like he needs to hide his feelings from me. I know that he also misses us terribly and is always excited to get home again.

Unless your husband has given you reason to worry or be parinoid I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Even though I know my husband has some control over when and if he travels, I also know that when the boss asks it looks bad to say no off hand.

Unless you have other reasons for not trusting him I would say that you are probably just being sensitive to his traveling so soon.

I have the opposite situation where I go out of town 4 times a year - 2-3 nights at a time. It sucks but you are right, I do get a break from the madness that is sometimes our house. But I ALWAYS miss my family and count the days/hours until I'm home.

This year will be the first year my better-half will be out of town for 3 nights. I'm already missing him and we are already planning a video-conference, date night ;)

Perhaps, if you are able you can do the same? or something similar?

Ask, HIM..

"I am feeling uneasy about this trip because you told me you would not be going anywhere until Sept. All of a sudden you are going and it feels like something else is up."

And yes I had to travel with work sometimes for 4 days, sometimes up to 10 days. My husband would get a little bent out of shape because I would not call him in the am and the pm.. I would do one or the other.

In my business there was no "rest". We worked by walking Market, all day with a quick 45 min lunch.. Left at 6:00. Then came back to the hotel to work on orders, went for dinner and then I flopped into bed.

Back at market by 9:00 am.. all of the above day in day out.. Oh and We had to be dressed professionally as though we were in the store.. this meant dresses or suits, heels and hose, because we wore our name tags with the name of our store.

There was no time or room for shenanigans or partying.. Faxes were sent in the am from the hotel.. so we had to be ready early to hand them over.

Oh, yea, being a buyer is so glamorous..

BTW.. I took my husband to market 1 day.. He could not make through the whole day. I told him to leave and go to the hotel. I would call him at the end of the day. Hee, hee.

I have to travel for work occassionally (thank God the Government can't manage money and since I work for the Government, I haven't hard to travel in quite some time now,) but no, I do not enjoy it. I miss my husband and kids terribly and would rather have the hustle and bustle of home life and get my hugs and kisses than dealing with other business peolpe all day and night.

If he has given you a reason to not trust him, maybe something is up. If your imagination is just active, then that could be it too. Either way, talk to HIM about it.

ETA: In regards to you not wanting to ask HIM, that is what I find silly. He should want to know something is bothering you. My husband found out a couple of years ago he has an older daughter - it's been a source of tension in our marriage and family life. It got to the point we almost split. Now I tell him my feelings on it 100% of the time, even when it's something he can't control and nothing he did wrong. He appreciates it that I do that and I feel better. TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND about it. Trust me. This will just fester and drive you up a wall.

It just sounds to me like his boss wanted an answer that day. My husband has to travel once a month for work...it sucks and we both dislike it. But I am so used to it, it actually is a bit easier with him gone with dealing with the kids at bedtime. He does enjoy having a beer and relaxing at the end of the day with no kids. BUT he also misses us like crazy and is calling us and texting us. I try to go with him once a year. We get his parents to come to our house for that time and they watch our kids while I have a little mini vacation. His trips are usually 2-4 days long. Nothing seems fishy to me about what you wrote...but only you could hear your husband's voice and only you got this "feeling" that something was off. I would guess there is nothing fishy going on...but that is something for you and your husband to talk about.

Yes - I do find going out of town enjoyable but I don't do it often at all - maybe 2 days a year - and it depends on your job. I have friends who are working their butts off when they travel and then there are those like me who do get to relax. I don't blame you for being a bit jealous your husband gets to take off but as a working mom, I also am jealous of summer vacation when maybe you don't HAVE to be some place every friggin' morning by a certain time and deal with emails all the time etc. So he may be jealous of you sometimes. I can't exactly tell by old posts but it doesn't seem like your kids are babies/toddlers so it shouldn't be all that bad when he leaves. I don't really mind anymore when my husband is gone bc my kids are older. But likely he knows you hate it and yes, the way he relayed this is suspicious - I can tell when my husband kinda knew someting and it tryign to play it off - but I think that's all there is. I don't think it means there's anything else going on like he's meeting a girlfriend.. He probably knew this trip might come up but didn't want to say anything or maybe he doesn't HAVE to go. Sometihng like that. But I wouldn't make a federal case out of it. I usually tease my husband like "oh - sounds like this was a really last minute trip..." in a kind of sarcastic voice with a smile and a look and see his reaction. Try not to resent him going out of town. Once every couple of months? That's not a lot... But ask him for a night off when he gets back every time. Go out to a movie or with friends. That seems fair. Otherwise maybe go back to work as well so you can have these perks... I gotta say I'm not sure it's worth it though. Working is stressful...

M.:

So do you trust your husband or not?

If you do - you are looking for trouble, paranoid and being VERY silly.

If you don't trust him - then I guess you need to figure out if you want to continue a marriage where you don't trust the other...

You state it's rare for him to call you from work? Maybe his boss needed an answer right them. What exactly are you looking for? What exactly is is bothering you about this?

Maybe see if you can join him on the trip? See if your family can watch the kids? Then you can find out if something fishy is going on!

Good Luck!

Well who knows what he is thinking, unless you ask him.
I mean, you are his Wife. You SHOULD be able to ASK him, not just guess and make speculations about it. Because, no one can read his mind.

Just ASK him.

2) He travels. For work. For his Boss/Company. Thus, it is not up to him entirely. It is a PART of his job. He has a job. Would you rather him not be employed?
His job, entails, traveling. It just is. He cannot tell his Boss "I can't travel because my Wife says so."

3) I have a friend, who's Husband travels way more than your Husband. And he has to regularly, travel, OUT of the country. He is hardly, home. BUT, they are in regular contact, they have THREE kids, she is a SAHM, and when he is home... he is THERE, in the midst of everything and participates in everything with the kids and his Wife. He is not, lazy. And he is a good Dad and Husband.
But sure, it is not easy for the Wife at home. Plus with her 3 young kids. But, this is his job. He has a very high level job. He gets paid well. AND he loves, his job. And he is darn good at it. And, traveling is a part of his job. AND they have also had to move, because of it. To many places. Of which he is in charge of many regions. Internationally. So, that is her life. And theirs. And there is trust. Between them. They are a close family. Despite her Husband's constant traveling. She is not one to be suspicious of him. And he is not one to lie.

4) Of COURSE, your Husband knows... you do not like that he travels. Hence, that is why he probably does not like to tell you... he has to go out of town and travel. So he probably hates telling you he has to travel. Hence, it probably makes him have to make up excuses.
But you say you've "seen him in action..."
Um, so, with lying?
If he is a liar, then he is a liar and you don't trust him.
But again, he is NOT happy, nor comfortable, telling you he has to travel. Because he knows, you don't like it.

As far as my friend who has a Husband that travels a ton-- His traveling, is NOT "vacation" nor time away from the kids. Even while away, he thinks of them. Even if he is in a different country. He is, constantly WORKING while he is traveling on business.
It is not, vacation.

I think he's just nervous about telling you he has to travel for work. This sounds like me. :) Because my husband doesn't like it when I have to travel for work - he gets frustrated with our crazy kids a lot easier than I do and they are handfuls and he gets stressed so I hate having to tell him that I have to travel for work because I know he's not going to be excited about it. Plus he has to change up his work schedule and everything, so it's just a lot of extra work for him. So I think it makes him appreciate me a little more. :)

As far as your other question, I may enjoy the first night of being away for work, because it is nice and quiet, I can watch whatever I want on tv and usually get a pretty good, quiet night of sleep. But after that first night, I'm usually ready to come home! It's too boring without all the craziness of home! :)

But all in all, I wouldn't stress out about how he is acting, he probably just doesn't want to upset you.

My husband has to travel a lot more than we like with his job. Recently it's been really bad.
It is not uncommon for a trip to come up with only a few days notice after he told me he wasn't going to have to travel for a while and he always feels extremely bad about having to tell me. I have 3 kids and it takes some planning so I can keep the house running without him. Last minute travel means a last minute run to the grocery store to get easy to prepare meals instead of something more involved because when it's me against 3 kids and 4 cats cooking can be a real unwanted adventure. It means changing appointments or having to find someone to watch the kids if something can't be rescheduled. It is a real logistical nightmare when we get no more than a few days notice before he's gone for a week.
My husband hates traveling! He misses us, he misses his own bed. He hates that downtime in the hotel room! It was so bad that he bought a portable DVD player and brings a wallet full of movies to watch to keep himself from going crazy. But more often than not he's actually working in the hotel room because all day he's sitting in meetings and such and he's still got his actual work to get done that he couldn't do during all the meetings of the day.
Not traveling when they tell him to is employment suicide. Not being at those meetings means he gets overlooked for opportunities, promotions, raises, you name it. Travel is considered a part of the job, even if it is excessive and unwarranted. This is just the way Corporate America works. Sucks. But it's better than unemployment.

I would tend to agree with the posters that say that it's just them trying to settle things. My husband also travels for work--monthly--and we have three kids and no family nearby, so he knows it's stressful for me to have him gone. He usually gets a week or so notice that he's going to travel, but if your husband typically gets to plan his trips a month or two in advance, perhaps he felt bad going back on what he saw as a promise to you, especially knowing you wouldn't like his sudden and upcoming travel plans??

This really is about how you know your husband. It would make sense to me that his wording would match--even exactly--between email and voicemail 10 minutes apart. I tend to be so particular about my wording that once I get it just the way I want it, I stick with it, even months later. Maybe when it was presented to him, he was a little hesitant and the boss followed up with the promise of an early return. Or maybe he and the woman in Accounting/Legal are planning a rendez-vous. Talk to your husband.

Sometimes my husband gets his most restful sleep away from home. It's not his best sleep, though, and sometimes he doesn't rest well at all. I have no reason not to trust him in this area, and I have no extra energy to focus on it. Is he a stand-up guy generally? How often do you witness him in "cover" mode? Maybe he should stop doing that so much.

I travel several times a year on business. So does my husband. I think we both feel the same way about it- we don't really like being away from home, the extra stress of having to pack everything up, find your way places, etc. But we both like to see new places, eat at new restaurants, see new sights. For me, I always enjoy watching whatever I want on TV, reading for a while, and taking a super long shower with no one knocking on the door! I don't especially like sleeping alone or missing out on goodnight snuggles from my kids. When I go out of town, I feel guilty for leaving my husband with the kids, because I know it is a challenge to have them all to yourself plus do everything else (no clue how single parents do it. My guess is witchcraft.)

I usually have some idea a few months in advance if there is an opportunity for travel. If I pursue the opportunity, even if it the best choice for work reasons, I feel a little guilty and that probably comes across when I talk about having to go. I know my husband has that same little guilt in his voice when he tells me he is going out of town, and I know it is for the same reason. I bet that is the case for you- your hubby knows it is hard on you, he probably does enjoy some (but likely not all) aspects of travelling, and he feels a little guilty for having the fun bits, even when work is requiring him to go.

Nothing you described would raise a "red flag" for me.

My hubby went to a business dinner last night and came home late. I got to watch TV (my show) in the dark (the way I like it) and relax alone. So I can see how someone would like a business trip. I used to travel and liked it but that was before kids.

Perhaps someone was in his office and needed and answer quickly so he called you twice and sort of robotically. Remember, if he has never done anything to warrant your distrust up to now, why go getting all paranoid over this. And just call him on it? Why were you in such a hurry to find out our schedule. Why did you keep calling? Just ask. I bet there is a good reason.

I could have written this - my husband travels a similar amount and it used to really bother me when he traveled.

He was likely in a meeting with his boss, calendars up, trying to sort out a date for this upcoming meeting. He tried emailing you, then called you with the same question (eek, I do that to my husband sometimes...now I will make an effort to stop). He probably felt awful about declaring 'no travel until September'...then having to go back on that, today. Very likely, he really wants you to be happy and is being hard on himself for setting an expectation, then having to break it...in a way that he knows will make you unhappy.

Are you in a financial position to hire help for when he is gone? Even knowing that you 'could' call a babysitter, may be enough to make you feel like you have options, rather than shouldering all the responsibility yourself. Or getting cleaners every 2 weeks? Or having a local teen take them to a park?

Good luck!

If you know that it's typical to have to travel for his job and you trust your husband, then yes I think you're being paranoid. His approach was likely rehearsed because he doesn't sound like a "phone person" and he also knows how you feel about his having to take business trips.

If you distrust him whether he travels or not without you, then you're the only one who can say if your paranoia is justified. Maybe it's not paranoia so much as unease that the trip is going to happen sooner than you anticipated?

I find this difficult to follow also, but here's my 2 cents.

I had to travel for a job a few years ago. I absolutely HATED it. My co-workers also HATED it. Not only are you away from your family and friends, if an emergency happens you are stuck over 100 miles from home (in some jobs could be over 1000 miles from home) you can't get there or do anything to help. You get home on the weekends and can't relax because you have to get everything done such as laundry, yard work, house work, shopping, spending time with family and friends in 2 days and then be bright eyed and bushy tailed on Monday morning at work. The 'down time' at night is spent doing paper work. It's hard to get a good nights rest in a motel or hotel. Different pillows, mattress, noises uugggghhhh. I'd rather work a minimum wage job in retail and be able to go home every night. But that's me.

Yes, some break from family routine is enjoyable to me, to answer your first question.

Nothing you wrote sounds fishy to me, but I don't know your husband. Sometimes when people are "lying" in some way, they give too much information. Is that what you are talking about?

I don't know what you think might be "fishy," unless you are implying that you think he might be having some kind of affair. If that is the case, you will get many weird vibes about his behavior over time, and you will ultimately be correct.

If you aren't worried about him going out of town for an affair, then I don't know what else he could be doing that would be "fishy." Unless he is lying about having to go out of town for work and is actually going fishing with the guys.

No, I don't think you should say anything about it to him. Telling him calls and emails sound fishy would just start an argument, because it's all too vague, and he hasn't done anything wrong, yet.

I also hate when my husband travels for work. I think if this had been my husband, he would probably have been anxious about telling me that he's having to go back on his hope to put off travel till Sept and he'd want to just get it over with and break it to me, maybe even before he got home so I would have time to let it sink in!

I think what bothers me about his travel is that I feel like he looks for opportunities to travel, and I know for a fact that he loves to travel. He loves to fly, loves hotels, and of course, loves the break he gets. We also have a very challenging kid (older son) with whom my husband butts heads a lot, so there is no doubt in my mind that he looks forward to those breaks. And what irks me is that I pay the price for him to have those breaks, and he acts like he's saving the world with those trips.

Like you said, I get that to a large degree he doesn't have a choice and of course I wouldn't rather him be unemployed; what a ridiculous suggestion. But life is full of gray - just because I'd rather him travel for a job than be unemployed doesn't mean I have to like it, and I have a right to express my feelings about it. I don't ask him not to go, but I don't think I have a duty to swallow how it affects me either.

So my point is, if you think you're being silly, maybe examine whether some of your icky feelings are just stemming from this incongruous combination - you know he needs to travel, but it bothers you, but you are given the message that just because the alternative of him not having a job would be worse than traveling, this somehow means you have no right to express your feelings about how his travel affects you. That's BS. See if bucking that would bring you some peace. It has for me. I used to have all this turmoil in my head about this until I realized, its ok for both things to be true - he has to travel, and I simultaneously don't like it. No one is banned from expressing their feelings.

listen to your gut-you know your hubby-if it feels wrong-it must be wrong-do some digging,hotel etc...

I think you are just being paranoid. Don't think about it too much or you will get a stomach ache, and then you will REALLY be more paranoid. Stop thinking about it. It will just hurt your marriage. If something comes up that is REALLY wrong, then you can stew over it then.