I'm Freakin Out About Having a Baby?

A couple thoughts: you are not being selfish - you are being smart! It's so good (in my opinion) to think all this through now. I mean, think about all the animal shelter questions about: "are you ready to have a dog?" but no one seems to talk about doing that kind of self-evaluation about having a kid and it's, you know, kind of a bigger step!!!:)

Also: I've found that most moms (for some unknown reason)like to complain. I've never heard a conversation about: how fulfilling my time with my daughter is or how my soul is filled by her laughter but I've heard COUNTLESS conversations about stretch marks, lack of sleep, gaining weight etc. It's almost like we are bragging about how hard we have it - it's so weird. I don't know why that is. But when I think to myself: is it all worth it? I unwaveringly holler: YES!!! But that is never the way it sounds from conversations with my girlfriends - in reality, I am sure they'd all say the same we just don't talk about it that way.

Another thought: I actually ended up loving my body MORE than I did before my pregnancy! I know many women HATE everything about pregnancy and childbirth and there is unquestionably a lot of cause for that view. But for me, my body had never seemed so useful, so good at something. It was like all these random body parts were doing what they were intended for! And, I don't know, I loved seeing the amazing things my body was made to do. It certainly may not be that way for you but I also think some of it is perception. If gaining twenty pounds (or forty) ONLY means "fat" and "ugly" then that's probably how you'll feel. But if that extra weight can be a great time to allow your body to be in control of itself - you get to just get out of the way and do all it demands, knowing you will be able to perfectly return to your previous weight in just a few months...I dont know, I think you can even appreciate it.

Anyway, I feel a little "pollyanna" about this response but I just wanted to point out that some of your fears may not turn out the way you expect at all and also to add that women place a disproportionate amount of focus on the suckiness of motherhood and don't talk much about the amazingness - which IS plentiful! :)

So, I don't know that my answer will comfort you or not, but I think you are completely normal to be freaking out about having a child. It is a huge change. You are not being selfish at all because once you have your baby, you become a totally different person. Everything changes. Even though you are still you, you are not, if you know what I mean. I wish I would have been more prepared for the change it brought to my life. I have had a hard time adjusting to the new me.
However on the flip side of it all, children are so wonderful and they bring a whole other side of life to you. My husband and I had our daughter when I was almost 38 and he was 42, so I know exactly all that I have given up to have her, but I would not change it for the world. Well, maybe some days!!!! LOL There are so many days that I miss my old self. Those days that I could get up late, lounge around until 1pm, take a shower, go out for cocktails and a fun dinner and come home at 1am and sleep in again. But on the other hand, I have this amazing little creature to love and cuddle and see the world thru her eyes - it is amazing!
If anyone tells you that motherhood is a cake walk, don't listen to them. It is the hardest, most challenging thing you have ever done, but it truly is the most rewarding and wonderful experience too. I also think it is what you make of the situation. Yes, I have my horror stories too, but for the most part, I try my best to make time for me and do things to get out of the house as much as I possible can.
So, I hope that even after you have thought it all thru, you do decide to have a child because in the end, it is completely worth the experience. Good luck.

I can very much relate, because I was you a couple years back . I was VERY worried about losing my personal time to do however I pleased. And how our lives would change - and all the horror stories you hear. And I'll tell you people aren't lying, its kick-ass hard. BUT - and its a big one - your little on will be so worth it.

My daughter is 13 months old and she is the cutest damn thing. She tries my patience every single day, but seeing her laugh, say 'daddy' or 'mama" for the first time is worth it. I too, was 34 when we started trying. And I loved being pregnant. Its amazing feeling you little one inside you! I didn't have too many issues other than I swelled up like a balloon. My weight returned to pre-preggo weight in a decent time, but your body will change. Its just a fact You'll get back to where you were - but as one of my friends said - "everythings just a bit squishier"!

It has been one hell of a year. I'm a Stay at Home Mom and my worst day here makes my worst day in my former corporate world seem like a cake-walk. Its sucks the life out of you...but at the end of the day nothing can compete with how wonderful she is. And that is why people do it. The first time she smiles or starts cooing at you - you just melt.

Its true you have very little time for youself. And you'll long for the days when you could go anywhere, anytime, no questions asked. The truth is your stepping into a new part of your life.

Don't underestimate how hard it will be on your marriage too. But if you go into it expecting lots of change than you'll be able to deal with it. Make sure you talk about it all over with your husband ahead of time, expectations, ideas regarding parenting, roles and responsibilies. If you go into it expecting a Disney movie than you'll be blind-sided.

Enjoy your quiet time and cozy moments on the couch, enjoy being pregnant and than the roller coaster ride begins!!

If you know in your heart of hearts this is what you want to do, than you just have to take the plunge. (Pardon the Pun) If you ask any parent, they'll tell you its the best thing they ever did. I took this to heart and had faith in that.

Its quite a trip, but its a good one!

N.,

Take a lot of deep breaths and relax. Many of the stories you hear from your friends are the worst case scenarios when they need a break. For every negative thing you hear from them there are probably 100 positive things you don't.

My kids are 5 years and 17 months and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, even when I'm stressed out and want to hang them by their toenails.

Be ready for the attention to shift from you to your pregnancy, then to your little one. Be ready for feelings of exhaustion from those 3am feedings. But also be ready for the indescribeable feelings when the fall asleep in your arms and sleep soooooo peacefully. Be ready for your heart to melt the first time you hear "mama" or "I love you Mom" or the first time they smile at you or . . . yeah. There are so many things that are good and wonderful about having kids that would make my one post waaaayy too long for here.

As for pregnancy everyone goes through different things. With both my kids I had terrible heartburn that turned the tums into fruity flavored heartburn. I did get a prescription. Other than that I just felt like a beached whale the last trimester.

Feel blessed and know that you are ready. If you have any more questions, or just want to pick my brain send me an email and I'll give you my phone number.

Melissa,
____@____.com

I think what your feeling is completely natural. I had my first child at 30 and my second at 35. When you start having kids later in life, you definitely have routines that are more set and so it's harder to imagine them turned on their nose and being happy about it. You'll get the hang of it. The other part of it is kids -babies- are very intensive till you get them on their feet. Somewhere around 2 years. Then it gets easier to get YOU time. As far as how to survive the night feedings, teething etc. I recommend homeopathic colic and teething pills, co-sleeping, and get at least two kinds of baby carriers. I recomend a ring sling and a mai tie. So there you go. Your sense of panic will decrease once you are actually pregnant. Read the baby, toddler books now. And enjoy a hot cup of tea while you can. Don't worry, it's worth it. :-)

hi N.! What you are feeling and thinking are both normal things. Although I didn't think about them until I was pregnant. Funnily (is that a word) I wasn't really all that worried about what my body was going to do. Women have been having babies FOREVER, we are built to do it. I LOVED being pregnant, I never got sick (although a TON of heartburn with my second one, which I got a perscription for, that was a godsend) I ate whatever I felt like, I glowed, I could FEEL my son's moving around in me, it was fabulous. I was FREAKED about labor. Again, women have been doing it for ages, so I had to keep reminding myself that.
Motherhood. First of all, no one says hi to you anymore, they all go straight to the baby and coo at her/him. if you breastfeed (which I did) your boobs will HURT when you first start, and it's not always "natural". My second son took weeks to finally get the hand of it. But he did. If you bottle feed, people will ask you why you are not breastfeeding. You get almost no time to yourself. You take showers as fast as you can, trying to be done by the time the baby wakes up. For some reason, babies don't like to sleep at night, you will be tired. You could loose a lot of your friends that do not have babies or kids. YOu will be petrified to leave your little one with someone to watch her/him, so you probably wont go out that much with out the baby. You will see all the dangers in the world that you never realized was there until you had kids.
Your baby will look at you and adore you. If they nurse, they will pop off at the end of eating and have a little milk drool, their mouths smell sweet. They smile, coo, dance, jump, walk, run. And you will KNOW that your child does all of those things better and cuter than any other child in the world. You will cuddle in the mornings, afternoons, and evenings, and you will want to cuddle them when they are sleeping. There is nothing that compares with the love that you will feel for this child!
Know that it is the hardest job in the world, and probably the most thankless as well. I am blessed that my husband constantly tells me that I am the most wonderful mom for my boys, because when they are young you don't hear that, and then when they get older you are "lame". LOL
I was a party girl, out all hours of the night, sleep in late (when I wasn't working my two jobs) read a book all day if I wanted to, kind of girl. I do miss that, don't let anyone tell you that you will not miss who you were...but who you will become is quite amazing too! a mom!
L.

N. - Perhaps because I am 27 and on baby #3 this wasn't such an issue for me. My husband and I are even now becoming "who we are" together. I think the key to getting through pregnancy, childbirth, and raising the little one is by completely being in the game together - a united front, willing to give and take as needed from each other in order to ensure success!

First of all, there are many women, like myself, who LOVE being pregnant. I would be a great surrogate mom! No morning sickness, love the cute clothes, the big belly, the baby moving inside me. (I must admit, I also love the attention!)

Second of all, I strongly urge you and your husband to learn all about the development of baby and the mechanics of labor and delivery. The more you know the easier it is and the more calm you can be. Take charge of your experience by going to a midwife (there are so many wonderful midwives in Seattle, the "Mecca" of midwives in the US). Watch the new movie "The Business of Being Born" to see just how a hospital delivery differs from a birth center/home delivery. I would be scared to deliver in a hospital, too! MD's make it seem like some terrible illness they're going to save your life from or something! I delivered my first two with a midwife in a hospital and just had my third with midwives at Puget Sound Birth Center - AWESOME!

Third, as soon as that baby is born and you and your husband are laying together with him/her between you, any invitation to go out seems like the last thing you want to go do! Not because you think you shouldn't, but because you will both be growing and changing together in your views and opinions - in "who you are" and simply may not *want* to! You won't be losing who you are, just becoming more layered and multi-faceted! Being a mom adds a whole new knowledge and perspective to your personality.

There is nothing I've been through with my girls that could ever make me say, "I wish I could go back and not have these kids and try my life that way." Not even on my most harried day. Thank the Lord for the husband I have who loves being an involved father as much as I love being a mom. It has brought us closer as a couple, and I know I couldn't make it without him and vice versa.

You said you know in your heart you want a baby, and you have a wonderful husband, so go for it with confidence!!!