Im Asking a Sex Question!

You both need to sit down and talk about it.
Really.
No sense guessing.
Let him talk and can he even say why, he is being that way?

The only way to get to the bottom of it, is that you BOTH talk about it.

You need to get to a sex therapist. Its not normal for a man not to want sex. There is something wrong, you need to find out what that is.

men can have some sort of PPD too...the new marriage, realitivly new kid and new surroundings is probably not exactly what he thought his life was going to be right now...My hubby was like this for awhile when we had to move in together...got into a funk. Just try talking to him (not about s#x) and just asking whats been on his mind. my hubby eventually broke down crying like a 2 year old for about an hour and just said "its not that I dont care about you, its just that I didnt want to be in the is position for at least another 7 years"..he felt like I RUSHED him.
On another note...weather!!!!! my brother has that winter depression thing...no sun, and cold weather really gets him down. Maybe suggest getting outside more often for a family walk. I think that will help.
Congrats on the wedding and baby

please don't do the "jump his bones" thing -- reverse the roles and think about how you might want to be treated if you were struggling with your sex drive. Wouldn't YOU feel pressured or attacked if your husband ignored your "no"? Wouldn't you rather have your partner support your struggles while working together to find a solution?

Clearly there is stuff going on, and clearly it needs to be addressed. I don't quite understand why when you talk about it you start fighting, but that to me is a huge red flag that there are underlying issues that could use attention. I think it's vital that you bring the topic up when you are both (relatively) relaxed and open, not when you're in bed and not when you have limited time to talk. Make sure you refrain from accusing him of anything -- no "you don't want me" or any other conclusive statement about how he's feeling or what his motivations are. The bottom line is you DON'T know where he's coming from, so approach him very openly and gently. At this point, it's probably clear to him that you want things to be different and you're unhappy with it. So don't focus on that. Ask questions and leave open-ended places for him to talk: "our intimacy has really taken a back burner in our lives. I'm wondering how you feel about it." Try very very hard to be calm and don't let yourself get pulled into a fight. He's being defensive and sharp? Take 3 deep breaths and reapproach with care -- "I love you and want things to be great between us, we are on the same side..." He's obviously struggling with this, since he reacts with anger, and he needs you to be gentle with it. Sex and masculinity can be very complicated and scary, on top of intimacy in marriage. Keep trying to talk about it, you'll find your way together.

Buy yourself a toy and give him some space...he has to come around eventually?

The way I see it, one of three things is happening here...something is obviously wrong/bothering him, stress wise OR he is just one of those guys with a low sex drive and he is being himself OR he is like Elvis and has the 'Madonna' complex and has issues seeing the mother of his children as sex objects?

Either way, I think the toy will come in handy...Sorry Sister!

Hi C.,

I am sorry you are going through this - and congrats on your new marriage!

Well the thing I think you may be doing wrong is making this about you. Stressful things can make different people react differently. It doesn't sound like you're trying to see his side, but that may just be your post - I don't know how your conversations actually went. Although the fact that a lot of them end in a fight tells me that you're both letting emotion get in the way.

First of all, he needs to get a physical to make sure there is nothing physically wrong with him.

2nd - look at what you guys have been through in the 2 years -
new relationship
unplanned (I assume because of timing) pregnancy rather quick
engagement
birth of first child
ppd of wife/ child's mother
marriage

WOW!

You both have had a TON of responsibility that is being heaped on you all in a relatively short amount of time. Although it's great that it hasn't affected YOUR sex drive, it seems like it's affected his. It's affected you in other ways.... Figure out what those ways are and deal with them.

If I were you I would back off. Way off. But tell him so he doesn't think you are having an affair. Maybe you can go see a relationship counselor - not just about this issue but about all the transitions you two are facing and how to open up the lines of communication without it escalating into an argument where neither of you feels heard and neither of you get a result.

This is about WAY more than you.
This is about you. your husband. your marriage. and the parents of your child.

You CAN'T let this affect your self-esteem. That's taking inappropriate blame and it will do is make the situation worse. And that's not what anyone wants.

So, I second the notion of getting yourself a toy - that he can use on you by the way because him using a toy on you has NOTHING to do with his sex drive.

Good luck.

Wow, it sounds like you guys have a lot going on with the move, just getting married, a 10-month old, etc. I guess my advice might be a little different from the other moms. I think you should talk less and do more. In other words, don't spend time bringing it up or asking him about it (this is per your original post). Rather, just put the moves on. If he tries to make excuses, just suggest that he give you, say...10 minutes. And if he wants to stop, you can stop. After a few minutes of fooling around, chances are pretty good that he'll be into it. This is assuming that all the mechanics are in full working condition of course! I think holding off and waiting for him to make a move is just making you nuts, so why continue on that path? And someone below mentioned that it might just be a "lull." Too true. All marriages have highs and lows, times when you're at each other 24/7 and others when a hot date with the TV is the best you can manage. Ah, wedded bliss. Anyway, I think your stress about this is kind of counterproductively not adding to the mood. Have fun!

HI C....You've received great advice! This topic was just brought up yesterday on Fox News in Houston and the first thing the therapist said was have your husband get a physical. She explained that most men who don't want sex are self conscious with themselves and their performance. If everything comes back fine then she said it's time to see a sex therapist and dig a little more deeper. As she said, the positive side is you're aware of it and are not ignoring it. Main thing is to be supportive and don't go into attack mode. You are not alone, with the stresses of today many marriages of having to overcome these obstacles. Blessings to you and your family!

I have no idea why men are like this. The same thing's happened to me. When we were dating, we 'humped like rabbits' as they say & seemed to be so in love but since I've had a kid & we've gotten married...NOTHING. Doesn't matter how or when I come on to him & I usually wait til the weekend b/c he chooses to wk late, another annoyance when it's not really necessary so I think it's b/c of me, so I'll wait til the weekend when he's supposed to be well-rested & he turns me down 98% of the time w/some lame excuse. I'm not sure about others here on the board but from others I've talked to w/a similar situation, it seems like once women have kids, we're "used goods" or tainted in some way. He didn't even want to make love on our wedding night, I had to talk him into it. While I don't have any advice to give, I just wanted you to know you are definitly not alone in this situation. I've yet to lose my 'baby weight' although I've tried real hard to...I'm not a size 10 anymore (that's small for me, my normal size). He says that doesn't really matter to him but I can tell that it does. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone & wish you the best.

He NEEDS to go to the Dr. and get a physical, dont tell him it's because of the sex Do not mention sex Just say he seems too tired and needs to make sure everything is OK. I bet there is something physically wrong or hate to say it but drugs and alcohol could cause the problem (just talking from experience)

I can't really offer much help, but know you're not alone in this issue. We've been married almost 9 years and a lot of our married life has been like this, though sometimes two months will pass before we have sex. We're finally looking into sex therapy because I can't take it anymore and my husband is finally ready to see it as our problem, not my problem. I'd say give it time, but not too much time. It's amazing how life gets so busy that we ignore problems until they are ready to tear our lives apart.

good luck.

I feel your pain. I went through the same thing with my partner. It started during the last month of pregnancy and lasted for many months after. He said it was the weight and he just wasn't turned on. I was also in a desperate needy place and I think that turned him off too. After some time we finally did reconnect, at least some. A new baby takes a lot of energy and adjustment for both parents . But it's a beautiful blessing. I don't have much in this area as far as solutions because the inner workings of men baffle me. Perhaps he needs your love in other creative and nurturing ways. Perhaps you can feel and recognize and validate his love for you in other areas as well. Maybe that will rekindle the flame.

I agreee with Sara G. Jump his bones! My hub and I went through the same thing after our first son was born. We moved, the baby was young, and he was stressed about money bc I stopped working after the baby was born. I just kept putting the moves on him, and making sure he knew I still wanted his affection... He'll come around when he sees that you still think hes irresistable :) Was your baby a "surprise"? Maybe he's afraid of getting you pregnant again... Good luck!!

What is the reason he is giving you for his lack of interest? Sometimes we all get into "lull" period. Just trying to get a better understanding of what the situation is. The biggest key is to get to the root of his problem. If it is your weight that's his problem not yours! You had a baby! If it something deeper than I would seek some counseling to work it out if it doesn't get any better.

hmmm spice things up...maybe hire a sitter....and J. please him, not wanting anything in return?

First I have to ask is he the squimish type, did you have your daughter vaginally and was he put off by viewing the delivery? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, that is the problem in a nutshell. I say that because ever since my husband saw the delivery of our son 2.7 years ago our sex life and interactions have plummeted. He claims it is because viewing the birth (vaginally) messed up his head and how he views me now, before I was his sex vixen now I am his wife and mother of our child. He is still attracted to me sexually but can't get past the thought in his head of the birth when it comes to getting down to business. We now have a 7 month old daughter added to the mix and it has been a total of 3 months that we have just now gotten into a regular groove of intimacy and sex after over two years of nothing. I don't understand it and don't have a solution for you, some men are just built this way. I understand how it is hurtful to you, as I am a very sexual person myself and not being able to get busy, literally threw me into a depression that I've only recently come out of. I told him, not even him cheating would affect me as bad as him not putting out the goods. So in short, time is what it will take for him to get his groove back and all you can do is seek support from friends, family, prayer and God to get you through.

Did you have any premarital counseling? The reason I ask is that one of the things they tell you is that you both come into the marriage with a certain expectation and it is certain to be different than what it is. Obviously, you thought there would be more sex. But what is different than what he expected? You will go through a stretch wondering, "What did I get myself into?" The fact that you already had a child together also changes the whole dynamic. You had to go straight to parent mode, before you probably got to create who the two of you would be together (which takes years).

One thing you can start with is, instead of asking for sex and "pressing a button" that you know will end up frustrating, asking him what is different than he expected with your life together. Because you have already been having sex before the marriage, I wouldn't limit it to just the past week. And don't bring up the lack of sex on the honeymoon. There is a lot going on in his mind that will take a while to dig out. Just don't be obvious like you are trying to psychoanalyze him. And don't say, "We have to talk." Men hate that. Just in casual conversation, ask, "So what do you see is different in our life now that you didn't think it would be like when we first started getting serious about being together. Make sure it is a relaxing time after his favorite dinner (and the house is clean, etc.). You can also say in a very casual way, "I keep wanting to improve my life. What do YOU do differently or better?" Ask with a smile, maybe sitting, leaning into him without looking directly at him. And don't offer your side (unless he answers your question and directly asks you the same). Try to keep it all about what his needs are right now.

If he doesn't answer, then there might be something deeper down. A book titled, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" is a great book that has lots of practical tips on how men think and especially what they need. What men need is not usually what "modern" women give them.