I'm Angry (Irrationally Probably) What Do I Do Now?

I completely agree with Riley J. Glad I read her response so I didn't have to type out pretty much the same thing.

Is it wrong to feel hurt? No. Of course not. BUT:

That part off the table... since you're asking... it's shoe on the other foot time:

School takes up all of most children's days. Morning madness/out the door, school until mid afternoon or late afternoon, homework, dinner, bath, bed. In a lot of districts (don't know about yours) parents only get 2-3 hours a day with their kids during the week. Regardless, you have your kids all the time, and weekends, and it's a schedule you're USED to.

ENTER the visiting grandparents who have to completely and totally figure out this hectic schedule, be ON the kids about homework, playdates, activities, early bedtimes for school the next day... all while the kids are excited and don't want to do any of it... and as soon as they start to get it down (remember how hectic things are first week of school every year while you transition) are heading home again.

Now some grandparents might LIKE this better (to have time to themselves to rest during the day/ the kids being too much for them otherwise). Others might HATE this, because it's exhausting and they feel like they never get to see their grandkids during the week and are just housesitting/ taxi service.

Take your siblings out of the situation. Your parents might be perfectly happy to have THEIR kids in school... this has nothing to do with them. When they have YOUR kids for a week... THEY WANNA BE WITH THEM!!! (That's actually a compliment).

Your mom sounds like she's trying to be really nice, while still being honest. She not harping on the things she doesn't like, she's just putting it on the table that if they are going to take a week out of their lives to fly down to y'all, that she wants the kids to be on break so they can actually "have fun". That's not an unreasonable request, and it's more of a COMPLIMENT on your kids, your parenting, and your family, than anything else. And it's practical. She sees the others all the time, a couple hours is fine, whatever. But for her grandbabies so far away, that is NOT enough time for her.

Okay. Problem solving time. You get very little heads up on your club weeks & no say as to the dates. If you want to have your cake and eat it, too (My Life Motto is to figure out how to do both whenever possible).

- Take the kids out of school that week.

It's family vacation. Period. They're spending the week with their grandparents. Get their homework for the week ahead of time, get it done and turned in. Arrange the absence. That way you get your club week, and the grandparents get the time with their grandkids that works for them.

What about just replying: We don't know the dates for club yet, but will let you know as soon as we know. The kids love to have you here, but if you can't watch A and B for this trip this year, we will have Mrs. XYZ watch them for us."

I know you are hurt. I would be too. But I really think that bringing up her other grandchildren, favors for them, etc. is just going to escalate your bad feelings and your mom's as well.

Take a deep breath...

Write your mom back and explain to her that the kids will not be on vacation, however, since you trust them so much, it would really be helpful to have them come. Then say that you know it's disappointing that they are not in school but you don't choose when the trip is being held. Then (if you want) offer to pull the kids from school ONE day only so they can do something special. Then tell her otherwise, it's really not a social trip but one you'd like her to make just to help you out.

Forget your sisters, forget the money. Just ask for the help. If she says no, just use your backup and forget it. It's just not worth it.

Good luck!!

Geez, I think you're seriously over reacting. First you're comparing the care taking of children who live close with the care taking of children who live far away. There is no comparison. When your parents travel to see your kids they are doing so to enjoy your children. They do not need to be a care taker because you have a local care taker. They want to come and have fun. This is a positive way to be thinking.

Yes, you pay their way. Sounds like it's only because you want them to babysit. I could see the possibility that they would feel hurt. You only want them around when you need a sitter.

Be glad they're wanting to visit and enjoy your children. You don't need them to be babysitters/caretakers. Treat them like grandparents instead of like babysitters.

As to thinking that because they take care of their local grandchildren they should take care of yours. That's so messed up. The situations are entirely different. Local is an everyday common part of life. To put aside their daily routine and travel, even tho you pay expenses, is not easy. It's a special event and deserves to be treated as such.

I think I'd be pretty hurt by that as well.

I think my response would be pretty emotionless, in saying that you don't know, and not to worry about it...you'll use another sitter.
And I think I'd stop the email there.

Give her a chance to respond. Maybe she meant it another way. Maybe she'll offer and was just having a bad day when she responded. Maybe she won't do anything at all.
But I'd let her explain this one, and the shorter you are in your response, the more likely she is to do that.

Yeah you are being a bit irrational. Everyone else lives close and they know the schedule. They are prepared, ya know?

You are looking at the money side of this, they are grandparents, money doesn't mean squat to them. As you can see they will watch the kids just for the pleasure of seeing them. What she pretty much said is getting up, waking them up, getting them ready for school and then spending the day twiddling her thumbs isn't much fun. Does it actually sound like fun to you? Would you like to go to another state, work your butt off to send your grandkids to school and then have nothing to do because all of your friends are back home? She wants to play with them, take them places, you can't really do that when the kids are in school during the prime part of the day.

Listen to what your mom is saying and don't color it with your take on things.

Sounds like your Mom has a busy life with a ton of responsibilities to others.
Sounds like the annual trip to your home is her vacation from her hectic (maybe, stressful) life.
Just like the club trip is your vacation.
I understand how you feel, but I think you Mom places more value on these visits to you than you realize.
She also seems to want to bond with her grandchildren when she visits you - I think that is lovely.

Please try and get over your hurt - many parents would not travel to take care of their grandkids for a week every year, much less want to ensure that their grandkids are available to spend time with.

Good Luck

I'd be hurt, and I'd send a simple email response back. I'd email back you do not know the dates yet. And remind her that unfortunately, you have no control over the dates. And that you really look forward to this once a year trip for just you and DH. And you are sorry it was not "fun" for them to come stay with the kids last year. And you will let her know if the dates just happen to coincide with a school break, otherwise you will just plan to hire a babysitter. It is unfortunate they won't suggest any specific changes you can make to make it easier and more fun this time, but I wouldn't press. I wouldn't bend over backwards to arrange for someone to watch my kids that I didn't think really wanted to be there. Allow yourself to be disappointed, but try not to dwell. Sibs in closer proximity ALWAYS get more grandparent time. I know a lot of us struggle with that issue.

Take a deep breath and calm yourself. Don't tell your mom that you'll stop asking to watch the kids that one time a year because you'll sound childish. Your mom is just letting you know that getting the kids up, dress, fed, and off to school isn't something she enjoys and she's rather spend time with them with she sets the timetable. Not to worry. Email her back letting her know that you don't have the dates for the club yet and drop it.

Once you do get the dates let her know and also let her know if they'll be in school. At that point leave it up to your parents to decide if they will come down and whatever their decission is let it drop. It's not worth a coulpe cheap verbal shots that make you feel better when said but can fester and create bad feelings over time.

As a parent I can tell you that it's not up to me to treat my adult children equally. The ones that live closer get more contact than the ones that have decided to move away. That's life. While you can be jealous that your siblings children have a much closer relationship day in day out with your parents it's not your parents fault that you have left the area and visits are much more difficult.

This sounds a lot like what my mom is going through, always having to watch her grandkids by my siblings. Perhaps she is tired of watching kids and would rather stay home with them instead of doing the school thing. Maybe she's burnt out from getting taken advantage all the time. Maybe she doesn't feel like traveling. Just calm down and ask her if she wouldn't have fun there if your kids are still in school. Maybe she is saying that because if she leaves, it will put your siblings in a bind for daycare and she just doesn't want to say that. Who knows. Yes, I would be irritated, and hurt but I wouldn't let it consume me. She can still have plenty of fun with the kids after they get out of school. Denise's example response is good.

From an outside perspective when she watches the other kids it is in their home or their area so they are comfortable there and have things to do while the kids are in school. When they travel to your area, it is not their home and may not feel comfortable there and have nothing to do while the kids are busy with school.

Not knowing your family but just guessing they may not want to be bored and want to make sure they can spend as much time as possible with the kids. Now if it was me, I would go anyway with no cost to me and get what I could with the kids, but I think maybe they may just be thinking that there would not be a whole lot for them to do while the kids where in school.

Maybe you could plan some great day trips for them that they could do while the kids were in school and let them know of things to do in the area that they would enjoy.

Yeah, I think you are teetering on the irrational side a tiny bit and it sounds like there is more envy, not jealousy, than you probably realize where your other sisters are concerned. I agree with A L. watching the kids in their own home is comfortable. When they come to your house in an unfamiliar city and the kids are in school all day, it could be a boring vacation for them. If the trip coincides with your trip and they are able to come, great. but if not, then I would make alternate arrangements and leave it at that. I don't think your parents are being out of line or trying to favor another sibling over you. Maybe you just miss them more than you realize. I know I couldn't live more than 15 minutes away from my mom! Hope this helps!
A.

how old are your kids? when the trip last time was over did she say this was difficult? so send her an email and ask her about it? ask her what was not fun? and that you do not know the exact dates yet but that when you do you will tell her and allow her to decide whether she will babysit or not. thank god you already have a back-up plan. i understand your feelings. so don't apologize. grandparents do show preferential treatment. they just do.

Mommy of 1 has the right idea.

I won several performanced based contests in my company. 6 of them were trips/cruises. My MIL came out to Arkansas from California. We paid all her expenses and were very grateful because she had to take vacation to come and do that for us. She got to see her grandkids fo a week and visit us before and after we went on the trips. We always bought her something nice from where we went and slipped a few extra bucks ($200+) inside her present.

We always viewed her coming as a gift and we were always very grateful. My MIL's other children lived in her home town and she got to see her other grandchildren on a regular basis, but only saw ours every other year or so.

Don't be angry with your mom. If she comes feel very grateful. I can very well understand how being alone in your home all day while the kids are in school would be "no fun". If my kids were doing "ok" or better in school, I'd make sure my kids caught the "blue blu" or I'd put a thermometer in their mouths right after I gave them some hot chocolate and report the fever ;~)) so grandma could have some fun with the grandkids. When they went back to school, I'd give them a note so they could get back in class. My kids went to a back woods country school that shut down for the first two days of deer season. They were very angry that we went to the man trap built by a mouse* instead of hunting deer. But they relented, reluctantly, when I pointed out that my kids were the top in their classes.

Good luck to you and yours.
*Disney World

I would be upset too. You don't ask for help much and when you do, you try to not to impose financially and this is her response... She may have been having a bad day, hopefully that's the case. Personally, I'd be glad if I didn't have to entertain kids all day! And she should be doing this for you vs just for her enjoyment given she does so much for your siblings. But these things don't seem to be fair in many circumstances/families. So I'd reply like someone else said that you don't know the schedule yet but nevermind, you'll get someone else, you know they're busy with Suzy, John etc. And be short and sweet and don't say another word.

Just a thought, but who keeps all those cousins when your mom is at your house? I wonder if she doesn't feel pressure on the other side. If it's not a school holiday, it may be inconvenient for the other moms to find supplemental care while your mom is out of town. I'm sensing a bit of resentment on your part that your parents do more for the others, but, I bet the other moms feel resentment that your parents drop everything and come all the way there, leaving them to find someone else. This is just a theory. It usually helps me to not be so hurt if I can see the other persons point of view and try to appreciate how they came to thier position.

My mother-in-law declined her invitation to our three-year-old's birthday party because she did not have any fun at the last one. I don't think she'll be babysitting!

I agree you should point out that you don't have the power to set the dates for "club."

I would also ask what kind of "fun" she is talking about. If it something like taking the kids to an amusement park for a day, that could probably be worked in if you're gone for a whole week.

Also, ask her if she'd like to have the kids come visit her. If "club" lands during school, perhaps you tell your Mom that you would love for her (and your Dad) to come man the fort while you're away. Express you understand that making sure the kids do their homework and get bathed and in bed at a reasonable time for a school night isn't the ideal grandparent situation. Offer to send the kids to her for a long weekend. You may want to express, however, that in so doing you wouldn't have as much discretionary funds to help pay for their trip down.

Comparisons of any type are fruitless. There is really no comparing relationships and such a myriad of circumstances. Save yourself the heartache and just have an open conversation with your mother about your needs and abilities are versus her needs and wishes and see where you wind up.

Good luck.

Are your parents retired, or are they using their vacation time to do this for you? Maybe that's all she meant--that she would like it to be a vacation. Maybe you could let her write the kids out of school "sick" when she visits.

You're better off to let all your anger seep out before you respond. Breathe, and since you say you are close to her, just assume she meant well, and respond in kind.

You've pondered all the same responses I would have too, but you are smart/sensitive enough to know that those really get your any where-so feel good about that.

My best advice is to put it out there that your feelings are hurt. Don't go into a lot of detail or make the email long-just pointed, but not harsh. Also-try giving her the benefit of the doubt-maybe what she really meant was that she wants to stay with the kids when they are off school BECAUSE she wants to spend more time with them and doesn't want to just fly down and hang out while they are at school.

I wouldn't bottle it up. The truth is, you don't know what she actually meant. I would ask her to tell you want she meant because at face value the comment stung a bit as it took you by surprise. I wouldn't assume anything yet.

I am a little confused. Is she saying she would rather they not be in school so she can spend more time with them.. Or is she saying she wants them in school, so she can have a break?

Either way give her a call and let her know there is no way to know when this even will occur.. Then ask her what would make it better or more fun while she is here *(if the kids are in school or out).

Then I would call my inlaws and offer them this chance to watch your children or speak with the lady you have worked with before and give her a heads up and see if she would be interested..

My mother would and did jumped all over this, while my MIL would and did have shrink away from such a request from us.. but did watch SIL kids many, many times for extended times. It was her choice and it did hurt our feelings, so we found other options.

I Would respond back honestly, Mom we do not have the dates yet. I sure hope you would reconsider the time factor. I know the kids would really enjoy their grandparents here instead of the nanny and it sure would be nice for you to have the extra time with them, so we will just have to see.

Then let them know of the date when you get it. If they refuse then it is what it is and you will know next time. I know it hurts and no it is not fair, but you cannot change them only your expectations of them.

You know I think what your mom said came off hurtful because of the word she used - the fun word - I think by her saying that the trip wouldn't be fun came off as hurtful but it sounds like what she probably meant was that she just really wanted to be with your children which is really sweet. If she had reworded that sentence it would not have been so offensive to you. Personally, I never used my mother or in-laws to watch our daughter - just wasn't worth the hassle. We always just kept their visits for enjoying each others company and avoided conflict that way. When we went out or out of town, we always brought someone in and paid for them. And,, yes, we live away from our home town and siblings back there always get more attention and that's the price we pay for not living where they do. But you know, life is short and I would just let this go and have peace in your family - take the high road. Best of luck to you.

No dont link her to this page, this is you venting and people who dont know the situation entirely giving their personal opinions based on their own experience. My first thought was maybe your kids were difficult kids, are they strong willed? were they at the tantrum age when she last visited? Do they fight with each other more than other siblings?? Someone else thought it was because your kids were in school all day and Grandma was bored, wanted to take them to the zoo and stuff ( if that is the case make a compromise-let them take kids out of school for two days to do fun outings and leave suggestions and directions for local outings) Be mature ASK HER what she meant
I like the comment someone suggested, tell her you thought it would be great for the kids to spend time with their grandparents but if not you'll get a sitter.

Honestly... I'd tell my Mother this: "No, I don't know when the trip is yet, but since it's such a hassle for you both - I'll just start looking for someone else to come spend a week with the kids. Sorry the one time a year I need your help with the kids, it's so hard on you. Tell all my neices and nephews hi from us!"

.

I would return an email, they are less passionate, and say "We have not be informed of the dates yet. I will not know until X's employers decide and let us know. As soon as I know when my trip is you will be the second to know."

That way it reaffirms that the date is not up to you, that you do not know when it is, and that you get told what to do too. If they decide to not support you then I would say have someone else do it and then don't be out the money for them to come when they do come next time to just have fun.