I'm Afraid to Let My Mother-in-law Babysit

Dear J.,

First let me say that this is one area where I would fully trust your woman's intuition. Any time I have felt that way about someone, there has been a reason for it. Your child's safety is first. I understand that you don't want to offend your mother-in-law. But if something precious is taken from your son, it cannot be replaced. I'm not sure how to help your husband understand. Have you ever felt funny about someone who ended up making a pass at you, or some such thing that you can use as an example? Is it possible to have her spend a weekend here and there with you two - maybe to watch the baby and give you two a chance to have some downtime - or when you want her to babysit, could one of you drive out to pick her up, then take her back home after?

This is a difficult situation. Good luck with whatever you decide to do . . .
B.

Add another mom in complete agreement with the rest! You have to trust yourself! Its amazing how intuition works. Also, I agree with what Jan wrote... turn it around and perhaps you or your husband could pick her up and take her home. I think grandparents are invaluable resource, but sometimes they forget what its like to be a new mom.

Jen

Don't do it!!!

It's your baby and no matter how much someone can sweet talk you to compromise with what you feel is right you won't really feel good, and the moment something happens (even minor things, you know) you will just regret it.

If your husband does not like it, well tough, your baby well-beingness is more important and your husband will eventually get it.

One more opinion. When kids are old enough to explain things and tell you if something happened that they did not like ("a kid hit me" or "this person did this to me") it's easier to leave them with people because they can then tell you if something happened. But when they are infants they will never be able to tell you if anything strange happened and you might never find out.

Your husband and mother in law are going to hate me for this, just don't give them my name!!

Best of luck.

Go with your maternal instinct! God gave it to us for a reason. It's part of the "mommy kit". I know it is tough to explain to your husband, however, is there ever a time when your husband can pick her up in the morning and then you take her back home? Maybe you can compromise with allowing her to stay at your house with the baby.

I agree with the other respondants. Do not decide agaiinst your instinct. It is the best defense we mother's have for our babies. Ask your husband to please respect your "mother's intuition". There are so many dangers that, on the surface, may seem like a non-issue for anyone else, but a mother can feel it in her bones. If you give in, you will not be able to relax during or after the visit. You will constantly be wondering if your child is/was in danger. Explain to your mother-in-law that it is not her and her roommate may be a perfect gentleman, but you do not feel comfortable having him around your baby when you are not there. Tell her that you are trying not to be over-vigilant, but you are a new mom, so please give you some slack. I'm sure she was very protective when she was a new mom too. Good luck to you. Your husband will come around.

Trust your instincts! Mom's know best! You or your husband could offer to transport your mother inlaw to and from your own home to be with your child. I don't feel you need to explain to your mother inlaw why you would prefer her at your house.......this child is yours to care and watch over and in today's world, all mothers need to be WAY more careful when introducing our children to the outside world.

J.,
I'm a psychotherapist in Grover Beach. I teach my clients to pay attention to how something feels in their bodies before they make a decision. It sounds like your head may be doubting you because you aren't getting support from your husband. Sit down and think about having your mother-in-law babysit with the mnale roommate. If you feel sick/negative energy, you are making the right decision. Our bodies never lie. Our heads lie because they try to get us to rationalize and see others points of view. PAY ATTENTION TO HOW THIS DECISION FEELS IN YOUR BODY.
take Care,
J. Hill LCSW

Completely agree with everyone else: Trust your maternal instincts on this. Even the slightest chance of danger out weighs anything else.

You have good reason to question this arrangement. If it were me... I would do the same as you. Ask this: which is more important... pleasing your mom's feelings, OR, the safety of your baby? MANY times, a Mother's instincts are correct, about the safety of their baby. Do not make a mistake and then later, live to regret something. Your GUT instinct is telling you something.. .and you should listen to that. If anything... SHOW THIS list of responses to your Husband. Let him see, that you are NOT the only one who feels this way. Like you said, it IS a "safety" issue... the safety of your baby. Your husband should understand... this issue is about your BABY.. not your mother-in-law. You can perhaps also get a background check on her room-mate???
But ultimately, if the guy creeps you out... you are probably not the only one. This indicates a feeling that other people probably have also. For every one opinion... there are about 10 others who probably have the same gut feeling. (this is a statistic I read about).
Really... you have to look out for what is best and SAFEST for your baby. I don't blame you for having these feelings. I would too. Good luck... I hope you can help your hubby understand and show him these responses perhaps.
Good luck,
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

You have to trust your instincts. If something happens and you didn't listen to yourself you would be devistated. maybe you could bring her to your house to babysit or for visits. As for your husband just tell him that you agree her visits are importmant and you want to work something out, but you don't care whose feelings you hurt to potentially protect your child.

Maybe your mother in law doesn't "really" want to watch your son but she just wants to be included in your life in some way. She sees that you need someone to watch your son (ie, the daycare) and she wants to be a part of it.

Maybe if you find some other way of including your MIL in your sons life then having her watch him isn't an issue.

Is it possible for you to set up a sort of guest room for her and ask her to come and stay the night, have her watch your son while you and your husband go to dinner and a movie, then she can stay the night? She gets alone time with your son (every grandparent needs that), she gets to be involved in your life, she gets to feel needed. Mom need that.

Also if her roommate is more than just a "roommate" perhaps you and your husband should get to know him a little more. Go out to dinner with your mom and him (without your son). Make an effort to get to know him. It may help your mom feel less defensive and open her up to the possibility that there may be something off about him. Just let her know that you want to be open to him but that you want to wait until you are comfortable with him before he spends any "alone" time with your MIL and the baby.

I would twist the scenario a little bit: Explain that with him being so young, you would prefer that she watch him at YOUR home. Explain something like "He hasn't been sleeping well when we're not home, and then we both end up all night trying to get him back on schedule." Or something to that effect. Especially if you and your hubby want to make an evening date out of it, you could also say that you "don't want to wake him to bring him home, and you're not ready to leave him over night."

Hopefully she will except this as an answer. For me, it was MY mom that was hurt by my protective nature. Stand up for your baby! He can't defend himself.