I Want to Reward Him

Perhaps I am really strange but I just told my kids how proud I was of them and that was always enough. It helps that I was never one to praise for the sake of blowing sunshine so it was kind a big thing when I said good job.

My son went to the Model UN at the Hague in the Netherlands with his team and he was the "ambassador" representing Swaziland.

Like your son, some things changed without warning, there were language barriers, and as the ambassador, he had to stand up in front of hundreds and hundreds of kids from around the globe and deliver his team's presentation. He was quite nervous - he had never been to the Netherlands, never been to Swaziland, and had never given a speech like that - yes, in a suit and tie and dress shoes.

When he got home, I gathered everything he brought back (ID badge, official photo, menus, plane tickets, blank forms used for making a formal request of another country, receipts for coffee), and then I asked him, while it was fresh in his mind, to describe everything. I typed as he talked. He described how, in his speech, he stumbled over a very long word and tried again, and then looked at the crowd and said "oh, forget it. You know what that word is" and the crowd laughed appreciatively. He felt embarrassed but persevered. He talked about the kids he met, the cute girl from Russia that he said hi to, the dinners, the plane trip, the UN procedures and how formal they were, etc.

I made a little scrapbook for him, with all the stuff he brought back, and the transcript of his speech, and the memories he told me that I typed up. Just a simple scrapbook, no glitter, just a thing a guy would like. He's looked at it a few times - when he was applying to colleges, when he was about to start his internship after graduation, etc. It reminds him of a really challenging time, when he rose to the occasion and dealt with a tough situation.

So maybe you could put together a little binder or simple scrapbook to help your son recall this event - it's quite an honor to represent a country with the Model UN. You can ask him to tell you in detail what the weekend was like, how he felt when giving his speech, what he ate, where he slept, etc. Get some MSU stickers and gather his Model UN mementos. Emphasize that this was a proud moment, for him and for you as his parents, and tell him that the lessons that were learned will be valuable for a long time to come. Even if he thinks the scrapbook is silly now, there will be a time when he looks at it and recalls that tournament, and how he pulled it together. I wouldn't buy him a tangible gift, but I certainly would celebrate with a special meal or his favorite dessert, and I'd help him put the lessons he learned about himself into his "toolbox" of coping skills, in a concrete way.

I wouldn't buy him anything, but I do think that he has demonstrated a level of maturity that you are proud of. Therefore, since he has proven himself to be able to rise to the occasion, to swallow his anxiety and plunge ahead, and to have a kind of stamina you hadn't expected, you might consider extending him a privilege that is appropriate for a trustworthy and mature person who can put the needs of the group over his own stress. So what does he want to do that you haven't allowed up to this point? Stay home alone during the evening? Go to the mall with friends? Be on his own in some other area where, before this, you might have been worried about either his own decision-making or his susceptibility to the actions of other kids? He's shown himself to be reliable - so tell him that, and let him do X, Y or Z with your blessing and an additional statement of your endorsement of his abilities.

I think that putting your thoughts in writing - maybe in a letter or a card - would mean more to him than he would ever acknowledge. I had to go through my teenage son's room this weekend to look for something (with his knowledge) and was surprised to come across a stash of cards and letters in one of his drawers. They looked well-read (I didn't read them of course but recognized a few from me and other relatives as well as ones that I can only assume from the writing were from girls), like they were something he bothered to look at more than once.

We usually celebrate things like this with going out for an impromptu dinner or ice cream. It's been a couple of days but maybe you could surprise him with take-out from his favorite place this week.

I think the best gift you could give an anxious kid is empowerment.

Maybe write down your thoughts in a card that he can look at when he needs a lift. Let him know how impressed you are with him, and how he did what he needed to do, did his best for himself and his team, and his adaptability and hard work under pressure is something that will help him throughout his life. Let him know he is a strong kid even when he doesn't feel like it. And then take him for ice cream!!

I agree with Margie G. You'd be surprised at how powerful your praise and proud words can be, for all kids but even more so for kids with anxiety. The positive reinforcement and good feelings of "I CAN do this" goes a long way.

I hear you. I have boys around this age. One who sounds similar to your son. He's emotionally intense and has anxiety at times. Pressure gets to him. Very smart. He tends to analyze his performance - even at hockey. But very academic. So I can relate. Change would rattle him.

I personally wouldn't buy him anything. I would just congratulate him on being flexible and handling pressure well. Honestly, at work, I used to be a team lead and I would encourage our younger team members when they were able to adapt. So I think that's fine to do. I think that's to be commended. Especially if he tends to get flustered.

I think the key with anxious kids (or even if he just tends to get anxious at times) is to let them know he can handle it (empower him) but just give him a kudos for following through.

I think going over the top would be buying him something for doing great and saying you're the best and saying he's better than others ... but that's not what you're suggesting.

I'm proud of my kids' accomplishments but I do so in moderation. I think you've got the right idea :)

When my daughter gets a great report card, we usually take her out for a pizookie. This last trimester, she requested frozen yogurt. She was happy and so was her coach. Will something like that work, or no because he is college aged and too old for that stuff? I am not sure what you get him when he is too old for cookies and too young for a drink.

In tournaments, the T shirt guy is always there to sell us a really expensive hoodie. My husband likes to buy her one at every tournament, but I have reduced it to when she personally scores or when they win the tournament.

How about a T-shirt that says, "I survived..."?

oh, i think a reward is DEFINITELY called for here.
i'm pretty laid back, and having that big a curveball would have shaken me too. he's a champ!
it won't undercut your expectations of excellence to do something for him to demonstrate your pride! good heavens! even when one has a job, doing something like this where he rolled with a big punch and still produced might well elicit some extra praise and attaboys, right?
and he's 15! not 35.
i would absolutely do something to hoot and holler. he deserves it.
kids learn to persevere and give their best consistently because it's expected of them AND demonstrated to them over their lives, not because they get a reward for excellence from time to time. and by the same token, he won't get lazy and indolent because you make a big deal about this. that happens to the kids who get a sticker and a toy for getting out of bed and getting dressed on time.
you just go on and do something terrific for that boy of yours, right now, ya hear?
and good for you too, mama. maybe you deserve a little treat too.
:) khairete
S.

I wouldn't necessarily purchase a gift but I definitely would brag about him, when he is around to overhear, to his grandparents, dad, family friends, etc! Let him know you understand how stressful it had to be and that you are so proud of how he handled the situation!

Take him out to a nice dinner.

What is wrong with a reward? Maybe you don't get rewards at work, but lots of people do. I used to get bonuses when my department performed well. In my current job I get rewarded better assignment when I do a good job. My husband gets rewards for productivity at work all the time (Sometimes money, sometimes gifts, sometimes extra time off). Even kids at McDonalds can earn "Employee of the Month". We also get wage/salary increases when we consistently perform well. Since when did rewarding someone for a job well done become a bad thing?

Not every situation requires you to buy something to mark the occasion. You've already let your son know how proud you are. I'd say that's enough. When you get into the real world your boss doesn't fawn over every little thing you do so I'd say to let this on go with a pat on the back and a atta boy.

After reading Margie's response I'm thinking no, but I like the ideas of ice cream and I like the idea of the scrapbook. But as long as you don't reward him for everything he does, I don't think a little reward when you are really inspired to give him one is harmful. So sure, buy him a little something special. Just keep it little.