I Think We Are Heading for Divorce

Wow, S.. I can feel your stress and upset just by reading your post. It's overwhelming what you are going through. I'm so sorry. The first thing that comes to mind is that this is a horrible time to make any big decisions, so please don't make any big moves for a while, at least until a few months after the baby is born (congrats, btw).

It sounds like you are going into the medical field, so you are familiar with triage. This is what you need to do for yourself right now. Decide what the issues are that you are facing and sort of 'rank' them.

If household help tops the list, then start there. Time with son? Money? Sex? All issues, but where do they rank? In between, you are surely grieving your losses and trying to focus on school. And you feel alone in this.

I don't like when people turn things like this against you and point out that you play a part in this marriage as well. This just piles on and is not helpful right now. However, giving your husband the benefit of the doubt I will gently suggest that he may be overwhelmed as well. He probably feels the burden of providing for a growing family and may be unsure of how to deal with your stress and emotions right now, and feels like he can't do anything right. Not excusing anything he's done, you are obviously unhappy, but just asking you to step back and at least glance over to his side for a second. This just lends some perspective.

So back to triage. If housework is the thing that might lighten the load for you right now, start there. Tell hubby there is a lot going on for you both right now, but for now you would like to start with figuring out to run the household better. Ask him if he has ideas. (even if he is a huge slob and completely wrong, telling him this and demanding help won't work, try to include him in the process). Perhaps suggest that you guys make a list of the things to do and decide who will do what. This puts some ownership on him, and also lets you express that you need help with the heavy lifting, etc before it's in the moment. Keep that list handy and where he can see it.

Money, sex, etc.... try as best as possible to put these on the back burner. You can't solve every problem all at once.

Then start letting him know you guys perhaps need some counseling or a marriage retreat. Start looking these up and making arrangements to go once the baby is a few months old (give those hormones some time to settle!). Ask if he would like to help find someone or someplace. If you need to start saving money for this, do it.

If, after everything, you need to leave- fine. But now is not the time to make that decision. You need to know that you didn't try to leave in the middle of a tornado and without trying everything possible.

And, I'm sorry, but if anyone suggests reading The Care and Feeding of Husbands, please don't bother. Nothing like reading how this is all your fault to make things better. :-) (sorry, this is my pet peeve!!).

Good luck and God Bless.

Whatever you decide to do, you need to take care of yourself. For the sake of your health and that of your baby. Your husband is not taking care of you or your family, so that needs to be your priority. Don't pay any more bills out of your meager savings. Start setting aside some money just in case. And rest. If that means not cooking dinner or picking up, then so be it. Sit down, slow down, no lifting, no more taking chances. Get well, take care of yourself...

The ball is in your court S.. You knew you didn't want to marry him, yet you did for whatever reason. It wasn't going to get better with time and children. At this stage, you sound like you are done and you are not afraid to be on your own. You should give counseling a try, if anything, it will clearly show you which direction you should head in, good or better.

The only advice I can give is to make a choice...make it work (go to counseling, give 100%, etc) or end it. I know that seems obvious, but so many people stay in the middle. They don't try to fix/change things and they don't go through with the divorce.

I think you've had a major wake-up call with your sister's passing (sorry) and your recent miscarriage (sorry, again). You realize life is precious and short and you need to make the most out of it for yourself and your kids.

Which ever you choose, I think you should also go to counseling. Counseling is so healthy and it gives you a chance to be heard and validated!

((HUGS))

I agree with not jumping into another big decision. It's easy for people to chime divorce as if that fixes things. I like ranking things by importance. You have every reason to be exhausted, so be sure to rest when you can. Rest may also include getting away by yourself to go to a movie, browse a bookstore, be alone and let your head get quiet. Even taking a minute here and ther for deep breathing and meditating is beneficial. As far as relating to your husband, what helped me, and it seems unfair, but I do mention what I appreciate. And I point out he needs to notice what he appreciates about me, too. But if he's like mine, he'd come back with he would appreciate more if you did more. In that case, detach with kindness. Simply learn phrases like "I'm sorry you feel that way." or "I'm doing what I can." and don't get pulled into arguments. Do you have parents or somewhere you can stay for any length of time? Space does a lot! Yes, he has been experiencing this too and there is no way, not ever, a man is going to understand what it is to be pregnant (and to miscarry). I think divorce is way too big to worry about right now. Separation maybe, but only if it won't add to the complications. My babies are now 4 and six years old and I still have to remind my husband when he's sharp with them for being "brats" that he has to FEED them and maybe they won't be so punchy. I'm amazed at how much I need to spell out for him. But unless there is something right in front of them, they don't get it. I also had friends who were judgemental and friendships ended because they wanted me to divorce and couldn't understand why that wouldn't be the best thing for me, and that can add to the feelings of isolation. Also, writing a letter to your husband might help. Even though he might be a clueless, selfish bastard, leave that part out. Instead show compassion toward both of you. We've faced so much these past few months. I feel this way. I know it's tough for you too. Here's what I see as priority. Here's what I need from you (not want necessarily). I hope you can tell me what you need from me...etc
Is it possible to have a cleaning person come in every other week and help out. It may be affordable and makes a huge difference. It will be nice for you to come home to a tidier place as well. Get in those date nights still. You do need to have space to come together. If he is unresponsive, then don't waste your energy on hime right now. Do what you need to for yourself. Ugh, I so feel for you. But you will get through this. NO HEAVY LIFTING of course! You know what to do.

If you slept over a hot air grate-strangers would be nicer to you than your person you're married to-not fit to call a husband. He sounds like a malignant narcissist and hardly deserving of the gal who gave him the gift of a child and is studying so that she will always have a career. He could get help-it has to come from him. I am praying for God to especially watch over you and your little son.

What worked for us was to sit down and make a list of things that have to get done and each alternately pick ones. If you explain what you plan to do he may come up with more stuff that he actually already does. My husband complained that when I wanted to clean everyone had to clean, when he may need some time to relax. I was not aware of all the tasks he felt he was taking care of.
So not only did he choose certain tasks (cleaning litter boxes, doing his own laundry, the garbage, the cars, the yard, the investments, helping kids with homework) we now spend a few minutes every Sunday to put the calender on the table and go over what has to happen the next week (doctor appointments, after school activities, birthdays, dinner with friends, haircuts, etc, etc.).
You may be surprised what his worries and tasks are that you do not see. He may not be aware of all the things you do every day. I would make a list together, agree that the current tension is not good for anyone, and see what comes out of it.

In terms of his not doing much around the house or with the kid, he sounds like a lot of men, IMO. Yeah, sure, plenty of people on this site will say how wonderful their guy is, but I don't think that's the norm. I think most guys are more lazy and more selfish than most women, and most women do way more. As far as sex and his treating you well, that's something else.

So, will life be easier if you're a single parent? In most ways, no. In some, yes.

Others can give you advice, I just wanted to point out that he sounds like a typical male, to me.

It honestly sounds like you are "done" with this union. Stick it out, finish nursing school, and see a lawyer to begin separation procedings. All of the U.S. states are different. I know that, in Virginia, where I reside, you must have a separation agreement before you leave because you have minor children and because your spouse can claim "abandoment" if you don't have a legal separation. Hopefully, you live in a no fault divorce state, so you can divorce him even if he wants to stay married. Your legal counsel can explain this to you.

My husband filed for divorce 11 years ago, and he did me a big favor in the long run. I am now happily married. Don't stay married for the kids' sake, because for them, your being divorced is better than their having to live in an intolerable situation. Best of luck to you!

WOW, I am sorry you are going through ALL of this. It really is too much for anyone to handle. I would go see a counselor to help your sort it all out before you make a big decision. I think I'd go to couseling alone first to really figure out what YOU want. Hang in there, try to take it one day at a time.

A lot going on here but I have to say that early years of little kids when both parents are busy can be very tough. I feel like we were probably too busy to get divorced! But boy did we fight. But now kids are older and it's all easier. If he's a good guy, like someone said, work on the biggest things. Sometimes it's not that one person is super lazy vs there's just SO MUCH TO DO. I'd talk to him and ask him if he wants things to be better and try to come up with a plan together. In the end though, not sure the work will ever be evenly distributed so you kind of have to be prepared for that. It seems like women just end up handling more. I still do but bc the kids aren't so young and SO NEEDY, it jsut doesn't bother me as much...

I am so sorry. You are going through way too much. He should really be there for you right now and helping you take it easy. I would want a divorce too if my husband acted that way. Only because you guys have a child together I would try marriage counseling. Maybe he doesn't realize how he's behaving and with counseling that can help him understand and become a better husband and father. I don't know how old you guys are but if he's young maybe he's still immature and has some growing up to do. I really would try giving counseling a shot before you called it quits. I really hope things get better for you and try to get some rest.

Communicate, communicate, communicate!! You just poured your heart and soul out to us, so please do the same to your husband. Give him the courtesy of knowing what is making you angry, and give him a chance to respond without jumping immediately to divorce. I do believe a huge wake-up call can change people, and maybe that's exactly what your huband needs. If he won't listen or try to change or work at anything, then kick him to the curb. But please try to communicate first. You have so much on your plate right now, so I know this is just another "task", but I think it's worth it. Best of luck!