I Still Cant Take It.....

I've been a SAHM for 19 years. Over the years I've done part-time work and now work full-time from home. When we were first married, my husband and I were both YUPPIES. (Yes, a term from the 1980s!) We had two great incomes and banked a lot of money. (And we blew a lot of it, too.) Even though prices have gone up a lot, salaries back then were a lot lower, and we had a mortgage at 16%. It was just as insane as it is now. When our first son was born, I made a big decision that I had a vocation to be a mom first. To keep my vocation as mother going, I needed a job, not a career. My husband took the career path. It was a gamble. I was worried a bit. What if something happened to my husband or if our marriage failed? Would I ever be able to make a good salary again if I step out and then back into the job market? What about benefits? etc. etc. Every now and then, it was hard to watch as my friends moved into bigger houses, went on expensive vacations, and bought new cars every couple of years.
Well, here's what ended up happening. Because we gritted our teeth and bore down to do this, we managed. There were times when we ate cottage cheese and apple sauce for dinner. We bought a modest house and as soon as we could, we refinanced our mortgage to 15 years. We just generally kept our belts tight over the years, and it was hard!
Fast forward 22 years of marriage. My friends are in debt up to their eyeballs to pay for their $600,000 houses and all the stuff their kids "need", their vacations, and their cars. My little house is paid off, we have no car payments, have managed to pay tuition for years of Catholic schooling for our kids, and are about to pay out for college, as well. By working part time and at home, I've saved $$$$ over the years by not paying to commute, paying for a work wardrobe, or buying my co-worker's daughter's girl scout cookies, etc. etc.
In many ways we were lucky. DH and I both have college educations (which we paid for ourselves). So at least one of us could go out and make decent money. Sometimes there is no getting away from it. Two people have to work to keep afloat. But I've also seen people do amazing things with very little. Even if you can't stop working all together, you may be able to cut back quite a bit. Being with your children IS important.
Please beware, though, of thinking that more money alone will solve problems. It's what you do with what you have that counts. My husband is an accountant, and he's got plenty of very, very rich clients who can't make ends meet simply because they feel they need or deserve lots of stuff. The money goes out as quickly as it comes in. It's quite possible for someone making $45,000 a year to be better off than someone who makes $1,000,000 a year, simply because a debt-to-income ratio is so high. Many a middle-aged friend of ours has told us, "I should have done it your way." If you make a financial road map, budget, and then discipline yourself, and LIMIT THE USE OF CREDIT CARDS, you might find that you can be home more with your family.

Could it be more that your husband doen't want to care for your son alone? He might feel unsure of himself when he is alone with your son. Try talking to him and expressing your problem. Then cut your hours back to 30 per week. If you need some advise on ways to cut funds i can help out. There are also funding programs out there for parents who both work at least 20 hours a week to help defray daycare costs. But sit down and calculate this- if you pay $44.00(high end estimate) per day for daycare that is $220.00 per week, $880.00 per month, $10,560 per year. I'm not sure what you make- so please do not be insulted. If you make $10.00 per hour you are grossing $400.00 per week. That means that you are only bringing in $180 per week and annually $10,240 before tax. Once you take out your taxes your net gain isn't very much at all. If you are the carrier of the health benefits that significantly changes everything, but if not I would personally look at how much you truely bring in to your household. It may not be as much as you thought. If you need assistance with inexpensive meal ideas or any thing else don't hesitate to ask.
- Just to tell you I can completely relate to your situation. I worked for quite a qhile after my daughter was born. Then I stopped for a while then I started again, then I stopped, thenn I had my son. Now I contentedly work 4-8 hours per week at Gamestop. It doesn't pay much, but it gets me out of the house and gives me a break.

My husband is a stay at home dad and runs a company from home. It took him a while to get a schedule down. The problem we has was when we tried to put our daughter in daycare she became very sick and had to spend some time in the hospital and my husband saw his little baby so sick and he said NO MORE!!!(this is why I love him) He decided our childs health was more important then any job. I still work 2 days outside of the home.... I need sanity but it is possible to change a circumstance. We made changes to better our family.www.livegreeneasy.com

L.-
Honey, I feel for you- but as working moms there are a few things we need to realize. First, by working, we guarantee them a LIFETIME full of advantages- someday, I'll be able to fund my daughter's college, wedding and help with a down payment on her house- all while I'm retired with a good pension! There's more to our children's lives than the time they're little! Second, GET OVER YOUR GUILT!!!!!!!!!!! Not discipling your son now will only make it harder for you in the future when he's just out of control because he's not used to hearing no. Think of that when you really want him to listen- NO, don't smoke, NO, don't drink, No, don't drink and drive, NO don't listen to your friends! These are the decisions that will save their lives and the foundation for them to listen to us more than their friends is laid NOW! Be strong and think into the future! Make him the man you want him to be! Do everything you can to reach that goal and think of how you can change your circumstances now to be able to spend more time with him if that's what makes you happier. In the meantime, be a strong role model for him and make him know that what you say goes- all the while loving him like mad. You're the boss and it matters A LOT how you handle him now. If you have to work right now, then so be it! That's just life for many of us and it works to our children's advantage! Don't forget your contribution to this too! He benefits in many ways from all the work you do and all the time he spends in daycare. Good luck and be gentle with yourself without being a big pushover to your little man! He needs to see your strength to learn how valuable it is to be strong!
Good luck!
C.

everyone is giving great advice! now im lucky to stay at home but we gave up alot to.we rent an apartment instaed of a house etc.I babysit and i also sell ebay just an idea for you.i started just because anthony outgrew clothes of course and since i was an older mom,,,no friends needed babyclothes.same with his toys etc.so with that money ive been able to buy all his clothes,toys-hes so into thomas!,and last year it paid for his entire birthdayparty.anthoy is 3 and knock wood its still working out.maybe u could try part time plus to see.like i said just throwingout the idea.good luck!

Hi, I just wanted to say: It will be OK.

I too worked and hated to drop my son off and each stage of development he went through was harder on my guilt than the last.

But!.....My son is now in school and I stay home with my 2 yr old. Let me tell you a huge surprise to me. Both kids go through the same developmental stages. Separation anxiety (if you think it's bad when they're a baby just wait until they are three and they can verbally work your guilt) Hitting stage, biting stage, spitting food and refusing to eat stage, just say no and use a two second time out.They really do need and want you to show them what is right and wrong. You see they aren't born knowing that. And who else will teach them what not to do and teach them in a loving way.

Let him sleep next to you, give him an extra treat once in a while when you feel lonely for him. Just know this, my son who went to daycare is one of the most well behaved and smarter boys in class because he went to daycare were they taught him letters and colors and how to stand quietly in line and take his turn and to share.

Now, my daughter, the one I stay at home with, SOILED ROTTEN. And I do try to teach her colors and letters, she could care less because there are so many other distractions for her. She does so much better went someone other than mommy tries to teach her.

My point, don't feel guilty like me, because in hind sight you too will see it really isn't as hard on them as it is on you. My son has kept a few really great buddy friends even though they go to different schools, whose parents we love to get together with and compare parent whoas with.(These friendships start around three with the birthday party scene.) I now feel guilty because my daughter is missing out on alot of that. Really, you just can't win. So DON"T FEEL GUILTY!
Good Luck!

Hi! L., I am sorry that working fulltime is taking you away from your son. I was wondering if you ever thought of doing something like AtHomeAmerica? I am going to become a consultant and would love to give you the opportunity to join my team and most importantly be able to spend more time with your son and husband and not be so drained.I have 3 children and although the 2 oldest are moved out and I still have one at home(who is 16)I still need to contribute an income and thats why I want to do something that will allow me to do that and still be there for my family.I have 4 grandbabies all 3yrs and under, I love the fact that I can still have an income and be there whenever my kids need me. Which they do, cause I watch my grandbabies,so they can work. Plus I enjoy spending lots of time with them.If this sounds like something you would like more information about let me know! I am more than happy to help you anyway I can! I am also seriously considering doing Big Yellow Box! So, if you want more information on this as well, let me know! take care and look forward to chatting with you soon! Pam

Working does give you great advantages - benefits - continued financial security, keeping your foot in the work force. Suppose you step out to take one one of these at home/part time opportunities - and a few years later you need to get back in the work force - you will have lost professional ground by not staying in and not keeping up with your field - and it is not guaranteed that you will be able to return at the same level you left or even at the same salary. WHat if your husband's job takes a hit - then you don't have the security of 2 incomes. Further - you liss out on retirement savings. If you have excellent day care and your son is happy there - then you are lucky - and so is your son. You are setting a great example and contributing to your financial future.

Hi L. it seems to me you really miss your son. Have you ever thought of doing daycare in your home? It is something to think about. It would allow you to stay home,make money,spend time with your son and he would have playmates. Now this is only a good suggestion if you truely enjoy kids because it is a very fun and rewarding job but also stressful and demanding at times but the rewards far out way the other stuff. I have been in the daycare field forever an love it if you need any help on how to start let me know.

Hey L.,
I know how you feel! I used to work because I had to, not because I wanted to. I was a single mom when my daughter was born, and it was tough. What I did when she was young was I got a job at a school, teaching preschool. My daughter got to come along with me, which was nicer than a job where I had to leave her with someone else all day. But I still felt I hadn't given her all she deserved...
What I do now is I work from home, selling skin care (which is sooo funny to me because I'm so NOT a girly girl and thought you had to be to do a job like this!)
I am an Independent Consultant with Arbonne International, a swiss skin care and nutrition company. I LOVE it! I set my own hours, make full time money, and get to be home during the day!
All while making new friends and having fun...
I know it sounds like a too good to be true story, but that's just the reality of what Arbonne can offer.
I don't know where you are located, but the nice thing is a lot of info and training is free online
www.arbonne.com
I would LOVE to talk to you if you feel like Arbonne is something you would be interested in. I really think it would be worth you looking into.
Please feel free to message me, and if you are interested, I can give you my phone number and maybe we can chat.
Good luck! You WILL find something that's right for you, it may just take some searching.
Let me know if I can help!
Take care,
M.