I Need Tips on How to Help My Son and Daughter N Law Through This Divorce

My parents and in-laws have done a great job of staying out of my divorce and maintaining relationships with both my ex and me. In my case, I've always had a great relationship with my in-laws (the entire family) and truly consider them family. As the custodial parent to our children, I am also the keeper of the grandchildren, whom my in-laws adore more than anyone else in the world. Although our families don't know the details of everything that happened in our marriage (cheating, financial problems, etc.) they do that he is mostly responsible for things ending and is the "bad guy" in this mess, but he's still their son/brother/nephew/cousin and they love him, warts and all.

When we first announced that he was moving out, my ex's parents and brother were quick to reach out to me directly and share that they were sorry at the turn of events, that they still love me and the kids and want a relationship but were willing to do that on my terms and would still be there even if I needed more space, asked what they could do to help out, and asked if it was OK to still check in. They also added in that they thought he was a fool and that he was ruining the best thing that ever happened to him, but that was the extent of any bad-mouthing.

My ex and I happen to have a very cordial relationship, so we can be in the same place at the same time and spend holidays together. My in-laws reach out to me directly to spend time with the kids, go out to dinner, come to their house, etc. My parents assume he's coming to family gatherings (although I usually extend the invite on their behalf; they don't reach out to him directly).

Reach out to your DIL and your son separately. Let her know that you love her and your grandbaby and want to maintain a relationship and want to help her out in any way that you can. Let your son know that you're sorry about how things are going and will support him as his mother, but that you are going to maintain a relationship with his wife. Don't pry, don't ask for details and if either one starts to share dirt, stop them. They may end up working through this and regret sharing the dirty laundry, or just regret sharing embarrassing, private info even if they move ahead apart. Stay neutral and keep the long view in mind - the end goal is that they work out an amicable enough relationship to both be good co-parents to their child, and for your grandbaby to know that she or he is loved by extended family on both sides and have a relationship with both sides. Whatever you do or say should be in support of that goal. Don't get bogged down in the ugly details - be a source of love and light and support.

He needs to go to a counselor. He is following in his father's footsteps, and if he continues it, it will shape the rest of his life in such a negative way.

Ask him to go. Tell him that you believe that his own father abandoning him is going to affect him for the rest of his life if he doesn't deal with it. And doing this to his own family, like his father did, is just the beginning of choices that will hurt him for years to come.

He might not listen to you, but you will have at least tried.

Sounds like you should encourage marriage counseling? And maybe offer to pay for it if they are both willing to go. some young couples will say they can't afford it. Also if you live close enough offer to babysit the baby while they go. Sounds like he may have some unresolved issues of abandonment from his father and is repeating the pattern. Make sure your daughter in law knows you are there for her even if they are not together you still want to be a part of her life.

Whether they are together or not - they have a child to raise for the next 18 or so years - so family counseling would be good for them so they can get a working co-parenting relationship going.
I don't know if their marriage was on the rocks before the baby came along but adding a child into a stressed situation never makes it any better.
Some husbands get pretty upset when a child comes along because they never realized how much attention a baby needs - from both parents preferably - and they sometimes get jealous when hubby loses attention from wife.
The transition from just being 'husband and wife' to adding in being 'daddy and mommy' isn't always a smooth one.
Husband and wife need to work together to support each other through the long sleepless nights, the dr appointments, just getting things done around the house and feeding and changing the baby.
If your son is just realizing that 'family' means that it's not all about him being the center of it - he might not have been ready for being married with children.
What does being a husband and father mean to your son?
Getting divorced gets him off from being a husband but he's still on the hook for being a father.
(And if he's REALLY hating being a father and doesn't want that to happen again - he needs a vasectomy sooner than later.)

It would be nice if you could listen to your son and daughter in law - but their marriage is something they have to be willing to work on.
I could not act as a marriage counselor to such a close family member because I could not be objective about it - no one could.
The best you can do is recommend they get some professional counseling - separately or together (or both) so they can hammer out what their future will look like.
Maybe offer to do some baby sitting when they can get their counseling sessions.

As difficult as this is for you, you must stay out of it. You cannot weigh in on this, other than to urge them to work together for the benefit of the child they will share and co-parent until adulthood. Your job as a parent is, I'm sorry to say, done - you cannot opine on your son's decision-making or relate it to his own father's abandonment. Whether that's a factor or not, I don't know, but it's up to him to work that through in counseling. It's not your job to decide whether he has considered everything. He's an adult. If you start giving opinions, you're going to wind up taking sides or weighing one spouse's issues against the others, as well as bringing in your own (e.g. abandonment), which will just muddy the waters. I know that you are feeling this out of deep concern and love, and I also sense you are worried about losing touch with the baby. But that must be put aside. You can be heartbroken that they are having difficulties, but you can't get so involved that you are heartbroken if they get a divorce. You have to stay above it.

Please read JB's wonderful response about being supportive of everyone. When you're done, read it again.

If you need more help, then get counseling for yourself to help you through this difficult time. The actions you take re your son and DIL right now will have long-term implications, so it's best to get off on the right foot. You can't share your concerns/worries/heartbreak with him or her, but you need to express them to someone - so an objective professional skilled in this area would be a fantastic move.