I Need Some Wisdom...

You have a right to feel how you feel, but it is her decision. Ask her when would be a good time for you to come meet the baby.

Ouch - this really hurts, doesn't it?

Your daughter has made her choice so I'd let her live with them. If I understand you correctly, the husband will have 3 weeks off the oil rig and will be home in time for the planned C-section. So he'll be home for at least 2 weeks, maybe longer, after the baby is born. So I would let them have their time, let them (inexplicably) fill the house with selfish food-guzzling friends who will, hopefully, keep an eye on the other 5 kids now and then. Your daughter and son-in-law will either manage with them all, or hate the situation and kick them out. By the time the 3 weeks are up and your son-in-law has to go back on the oil rig, your daughter will be entirely sleep-deprived after 3 weeks with a newborn and a houseful of moochers. The friends will leave, and the house will be quiet. That's when you should go. All of the attention will be over, people will have moved on with their lives, and your daughter will be left to her own devices. At which point she will be relieved and thrilled to have you there. She may not admit it, but she will be.

You will show yourself to be the bigger person, deferring to her wishes. The newborn will still be tiny and adorable, and will need the comforting arms of his/her grandma. The novelty will have worn off, the other kids will be sick of the new baby, the neighbors will have gone back to their lives, and the college girls will have grown bored. The only person left who gives a damn will be you.

Your daughter will be able to wait 3 weeks for the baby things she left behind - newborns don't need much except a bottle/breast, a few sleepers and a bunch of diapers. Anything else they need, someone can go out and pick up. There will be enough drivers to do errands. If you have to ship a couple of things beforehand, they won't be expensive - small items. Let her do without since she doesn't want you there and has made it clear there is no room.

I understand about your dogs - I have a rescue dog and kenneling is not an option at all. I'm sure you're a responsible pet owner and will manage them fine.

Here's an analogy - when someone gets sick or if there is a death in the family, there's a flurry of activity with friends/neighbors showing up with casseroles and flowers and cards and "let me know what I can do" comments. It's overwhelming. Then life settles down, they all go home, and the sick person or the mourner is on their own in an empty house, wondering where the support went. If I know someone is inundated with help, I wait - I go in after 3-4 weeks with "Round 2" of help when the drudgery has settled in and the depression is often more severe - although the shock may not be as acute because it's not new. Sometimes people need you more then. So you will wind up being Super Reliable and Patient Grandma - a true treasure.

I'm sorry your daughter is thinking this way - but it's her home and she has to live in the mess she is creating. It's okay. She'll learn. And she'll be more grateful to you for not pushing. You'll have every right to say "I told you so" when her reality sets in. And I hope you won't.

Good luck!

ah, R.. it may just be how you worded it, but i see a red flag right outa the gate. you 'told' your daughter your plans to help her instead of waiting for her to ask, you decided how long your help would be needed, and you made the call on bringing your dogs.

and however amazing a grandma you are (and based on reading your stuff for years i'm pretty sure you rock it hard) and however nice your doggies are, i can see how that would be a huge eye-roller for your daughter. especially when HER plans revolve around her cruddy friends. i understand your heartbreak- but you made inappropriate (understandable, but still inappropriate) assumptions.

you absolutely do not suggest that the friend reschedule the visit that SHE has set up with your daughter. if you really wanted to go out on a limb and interfere with THEIR visit you should discuss it with your daughter. it would be uber-mommy-dearest to horn in on the girl while you're supposed to be planning a shower.

your heart is in the right place. but all of this is about what you think, and you expect, and you plan for. you know about C-sections- but so does she. you know it will be difficult to lift and carry- but so does she. and she has arranged for help to be there. you 'don't see how' the extra dogs would be an issue. but she didn't invite your dogs. i have 6 animals here (not counting the ferals and wild ones) and i would in no way want to add others into the mix, however 'nice', if i had a new baby to adjust to not to mention other houseguests.

you're overstepping, dear R.. take a deep breath, step back, and let your daughter take point on this. and congrats on the new grandbaby. i sure hope you get a long, joyous, uninterrupted time with her at some point soon after the birth.
khairete
S.

Actually this is your daughters child, and as such, she gets to choose the who what why when, and doesn't have to offer an explanation. Since you seem to be very caught up on the topic of manners and etiquette, you shouldn't tell someone when you're coming to visit. You should let your daughter know that you'd love to come help out, could she please let you know when would be a good time. Don't plan to stay three weeks, plan to stay how long she'd like you to stay. And no, don't bring your dogs. Get a sitter. You seem to be quite possessive of your daughter, you should get to hug her first, you should get to hold the baby first. No no and no! That's prob why she is gently shoving you aside(my mother in law was VERY needy and possessive to the point I didn't want her around AT ALL). I have NO doubt that you are loving and well intended, but realize this is about HER, not you. Offer your help, and don't be passive aggressive if she offers a week visit a few weeks after the baby is born. Be upbeat and positive, maybe it'll change the dynamic of the relationship. Focus more on what your daughter wants/needs and less on what you think is best. I have to say I would DIE if my mother(or ANYONE) told me she was coming for three weeks with small dogs around the birth of a sixth child. Congrats on the new grand baby!!!!!

I'm sorry, R.. You aren't being a grump. And your daughter is being pretty inconsiderate.

That said, bear with me while I tell you how it seems to me here. You're being a pushover. Sorry. Not meaning to hurt your feelings, but you are.

The reason you are being asked to help the friend with the baby shower is because they want you to do the work. NO. Don't do it. Tell the friend that the baby shower will be hers to plan. When your daughter asks again, just tell her that you changed your mind. You don't owe her an explanation. If you want to give her a baby shower with YOUR friends, then do that.

Your daughter needs to learn the consequences of her friends coming over to her place and making a mess, whether she's just had a baby or not.

As far as after the baby is born, write it off. Three weeks of having to clean up after these lazy girls just to see the baby? Forget it! Let THEM do the childcare for 5 other children. Let her do her post-partum healing without you there to help her. Make her grow up a little bit and have to tell her friends to help her. It actually might teach these girls something.

I know you want to spend some time early on with the baby, but consider that this is not your first grandchild - it's your 6th and you need to just let this go. When she comes, just stay in the background and expect her to cook, clean, take care of children. If she wants to run around and make YOU be the babysitter, tell her that she needs to take the kids with her - that you are TIRED. It's about time that she learned that when you take your mom for granted and treat your friends as if they are more important, that there is a NATURAL consequence. Mom doesn't do all the cooking and cleaning and babysitting anymore. And if you are at HER house and all these girls are there to belly up to the bar and let other people wait on them hand and foot, JUST DON'T GO. Don't cook for them. Don't clean for them. It's not your job!

If you continue to do this, feeling all the way through that you are being used, that her friends are using you, etc, then you are enabling the girls' bad behavior and your daughter's rudeness. Enough of it. Let them do all the work from now on. And if they are in YOUR HOUSE? "Girls, I'm going to let you cook for yourselves while you're here. And you need to clean the kitchen when you're done." And MEAN IT. Don't bale them out just because they don't know how. If they say "We don't know how" then tell them "It's time that you learn." Don't go shopping and spend a fortune on groceries. It's THEIR job to do that.

I hope you'll listen to my advice. Honestly, allowing this behavior in your home just means that you are accepting it. And you shouldn't be doing that.

So, you told your daughter that you were coming to stay with her for three weeks and you were bringing your dogs? When they already have 5 kids already? Really???

It sounds like this is her child and she has the right to have anyone around that she wishes. You don't have to like her friends...but apparently she does. You certainly don't get to dictate who visits and when...

I'm sad for you but you need to stop looking at the childish rude friends as competition. They aren't. You've allowed them to be so very rude to you and your household for a long time. Now that your daughter has moved away you can cross these girls right off your list.

Since her hubby will have 3 weeks off I'd say to plan your visit for week #4. By that point the moochers will be gone and your daughter will need your help (because carrying around newborns is hard work so thankfully Grandma will be able to take over that task along with baby smooching). Maybe when your daughter has to put up with their ill mannered behavior she'll see them in a new light. Maybe not.

As far as planning a baby shower? Text the friend and let her know that you are willing to help. 'Let me know what I can help with' and then drop it. If she asks you to do something do it with a smile. If she doesn't get back to you then don't get upset. When the shower is not well run just put on a smile and say 'well I did offer to help but she didn't need me'. Then grab a grandchild and smooch away.

I would ask your daughter what she would like you to do and simply do that. Don't try to persuade her why you should see the baby first. Don't try to add in comments about how her friends won't be helpful. Just tell her to let you know what dates she wants you there and that is when you will come. Then don't worry about the rest. If her friends eat all her food and leave a big mess this is not your problem. If your daughter says she wants you to come when her friend's leave then do that without complaining. :) Three weeks is a long time. My mom came for 2 weeks after I had my second and I was ready to strangle her. I would not tell your daughter when you plan to come but I would ask when works for her. If you have to get a friend to watch your dogs then so be it. Do not talk to your daughter's friend to try to convince her to visit at a different time.

Your daughter has chosen her friends.
Generally once someone gets married, friends tend to take a back seat to their husband.
Sure people still get together sometimes but this is a main reason why married and single friends don't hang out much anymore.
Your daughter still has some growing up/maturing to do.
You need to step back and separate yourself emotionally from your daughter.
This is not your circus and these are not your monkeys.
Getting to know your grandchild is not (and should not be) a competition.

Do what you can for her and your grandchild - but just tell her you and her friends don't mix well (like oil and water) and you'd just as soon see her (and grandchild) when the friends are off doing something else.
I'd be a guest at the shower (or send a present either for shower or after birth) but I wouldn't get involved in the throwing of it.
This is something friends do - so let them.

There is hope that as your daughter matures - she'll see these friends for the crass people that they are.
If she doesn't - it's more a problem for her husband than it is for you.

Go when your daughter wants you - for a few days - do NOT bring dogs!

Additional:
So this is her 2nd child, 2nd c-section.
This isn't her first rodeo.
She should know what she needs and when she needs it and she can come get what ever she left with you.
Why did she leave her baby stuff with you in the first place?
A pregnancy is 9 months long - she's got that long to get her stuff together - and if she doesn't - then you are hindering her development if you help her out.
You need to stay out of it.
When your next grandchild is born - you go take a spa day.

I haven't read the other responses yet, but from reading what you've written, this sounds like your daughter's decision. If your feelings are hurt, this is between you and your daughter. The inconsiderate friends are not your concern. At all. In my opinion.

Is your daughter intending to hurt you? Doubtful. Sounds like she's incredibly busy and doing what works for her. Has she handled it well? I'm not sure how she communicated all this to you, but if she just told you she had made alternate plans with her friends, then I think you just have to accept it.

If it were me, I would probably just have a conversation with her saying that you'd like to be involved, help out, etc. what would work best? And then try to come up with a plan that works for both of you. If you'd rather the friends were not around when you visited, then just state you'd rather visit/help on your own. Your daughter (and husband) can accept or not.

I doubt she will need the gear until later anyhow. So let that go.

As for her friends - they are her friends. Obviously she must like them. What you think about them (or the rest of your family) is irrelevant.

I've had C-sections. And I've had major abdominal surgery. I get that you want to be there to help lift, etc. for her. But so long as she has help, she should be fine. I have friends who've had to do it all on their own and did ok.

I think it's wonderful you want to help and be involved. However, this sounds like you're thinking more of you than asking what does my daughter want? It just reminds me a bit of my MIL. When I had children, she had a plan for how she was going to help, and then cried when my husband didn't actually want her over every day. I remember her sniffling and teary eyed when I said thank you, but I had it covered. I didn't need an upset mother type figure trying to tell me how she felt about it all. So I suggest not complaining to your daughter at this time. If you do talk, just offer help no strings attached. Good luck :)

((((Hugs))))) R., I know you are an awesome mom/grandma based on all I have read of your posts over the years. I know it stings to have your daughter choose her friends to visit first and that you want to be with your daughter and your grandbaby ASAP, but it is your daughter's call. Give her your blessing to set up this time anyway she sees fit. As hard as it is, that is the best thing for your relationship with her. This is 100% her decision and I would let her know you support whatever she decides to do in terms of having visitors. Feel free to remind me of this one day if I am blessed to be a grandmother and my daughter is not having me come right away! I can imagine myself feeling very hurt and upset.

Your daughter is the mom and she gets to decide who she wants to have over when the baby is born. She would rather have her friends there. You aren't required to like it but you are required to deal with it.
You don't get to decide when other people visit your daughter. Their housekeeping shortcomings are not your problem if you are not there.
You don't have an exclusive right to see the baby before certain other people just because he has a fourth of your DNA.
It's your daughter's house and she gets to decide if two more dogs would make too many dogs. Again, you don't have to like it, but you do have to deal with it.

The real problem is this: "I told her...I planned..."

You're supposed to ask, not inform. Yes, even with your own child. Treat her with the respect you'd afford another adult. You wouldn't just invite yourself to a non-relative's home to stay for three weeks (I hope!) so don't do it to her either.

You absolutely do not go behind your daughter's back to try to undo the plans that she made with her friends. That action is likely to ensure you get left out of future events. Your opinion about the friends may very well be true, but it is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is how you conduct yourself.

These two examples are pushy and interfering behavior. If you regularly do things like this, it is likely the reason your daughter tries to keep you at arm's length. Take some time to seriously consider it. Put yourself in her shoes and imagine someone doing these things to you against your will.

Call you daughter and ask if you can visit after her friends are done with their visit, and if so, how long would she like you to stay. That will solve the issue of space, the issue of disliking her friends (which you should keep to yourself), and the issue of respecting your daughter as a grown woman. I understand why you want to see the baby first/only, but you don't get to have that and must let go of the idea.

Consider this - if her friends really are more of a hindrance than a help, your daughter will experience it herself and learn from it for the future. After that, your helpful visit will shine extra bright. Sometimes things work out best when left alone to unfold.

I do think your daughter's behavior leans towards inconsiderate and her choice in friends sounds unusual for a mother with almost 6 kids running around. She sounds young and/or immature.

In any case, the time to take charge is when it is your time and on your turf. Helping with the baby shower if you want to do it is fine, but 'helping' shouldn't mean you're hosting in your house, paying for stuff, planning most of it, and cleaning up. Don't be shy about saying No to something you don't want to do.

You don't need to invite people you dislike into your home at all. It is absolutely fine to not allow your daughter to make plans inside your home when she visits you.

If you choose to allow it, do speak up and specifically request that they help clean up. My mother is a non-confrontational sort, but visitors were expected to use manners and follow house rules. Mom would comment if necessary, but she also made sure that WE knew that our friend's behavior was our responsibility. Your daughter needs to mind her friends, and if she can't/won't or if they don't behave like proper visitors, then they can't come over anymore. Your daughter may not like it, but you are the boss of this.

Respect works both ways, and it sounds like you're due to see some from your daughter as well. Your relationship with each other isn't functioning well right now, but I bet you can get it back on track if you find the right balance within yourself.

Wow, I don't even know where to begin.

You "told" your daughter when you were going to come and how long you were going to stay. Well, that is not going to work whether her friends where there or not. Telling someone when they are coming does not fit into the plans of the person in need or on their time line. You got your nose out of joint when she told you not to come because of her friends would be there.

Daughter has other children and a husband who is taking time off to be there for the birth of his child. He will be there to tend to his wife and new child. The friends however annoying will be there to cheer her up and do "some things" for her. You would be in the way and ignored.

Try to coordinate a later time to see your grandchild even if it is three or four months down the pike. All newborns look similar small and wrinkles. You are not missing much. By the time you get to see this child he/she should be plump and lovable. Stay for a week or two without the dogs and enjoy being there as grandma and not nurse maid to all the other children. They are not your responsibility. Did she ask for the stored items or you thought you would bring them when you went? If not, give them to a local shelter and let her buy new ones.

My MIL (age 95 now) got a call from her granddaughter to come down to Louisiana to stay and they would "take care" of her. Well it quickly turned out that she was doing everything and they were doing nothing and she was about 88 at the time. It took her a good year and some to move away. Not a good story with happy ending.

So you stop and look at life and realize that this is not about you but her. Her choice, her life. You have to learn that you are not number one in her life. Do your own thing or get a few new hobbies or crafts. Let the grand kids be and enjoy them all from a distance and not up close. Being too close can cause many problems and cause grief for everyone. Let your daughter grow up and realize what life is all about on her own on her own terms. She may apologize to you in the future for her rudeness but don't look for the apology.

Congrats on the new addition to the family. If you feel you need to be around newborns there is always the hospital NICU or such.

the other S.

No, don't tell the girl that you want to visit first. Your daughter may have good reasons for her planning. The friends will be there while her husband is off of work. So, she has him to help with the baby and can enjoy her friends. She may be asking you to wait because 3 weeks later, after her DH goes back out on the oil rig is when she actually really needs help, and she's counting on your at that time. I know you really REALLY want to meet that new baby. But you hopefully you can meet him by Facetime or Skype or pictures right away, and then meet him in person when your daughter really needs you. I know it's not the same as meeting him right away, but that grandbaby isn't going to love you any less. And your daughter will appreciate your help more if you come when she asked you to.

Can you imagine having those types of friends over when you are alone with 5 kids plus a newborn, exhausted from 3 weeks of no sleep, your freezer has run out of the premade food that you put together before the baby was born, and your hormones are crashing? That would be awful. Everyone makes a big deal about coming/helping right away, but that 1 month mark, after the adrenaline wears off, can be tough. She'll need you then.

As for the car seat, stroller, etc, can't she take those home with her when she comes in for the shower at Christmas?

Your daughter sounds very thoughtless, I am sorry you have to deal with that. I am sure she does not see how these friends act because she is much like them. I would just tell her that since she does not have room for her mother you will make the trip at a later date and she can either drive up to get the needed items or she can buy herself new ones. As for the shower, contact the woman and she if you can work together, but don't let her talk you into having it at your home or let her stick you with all the cooking, setup, or cleanup. You are going to have to stick up for yourself here.

R., while I feel your pain, I always tell my kids that I would like them to be well prepared for the days I am not around, as I will not be here forever. With that, some times I have to take a step back.

One could speculate the immaturity, it's the dogs, its the house cleaning, but for whatever reason, she has said, "I can handle this Mom".

Normally, I speak to my daughter about once a week. She had not found "the right guy" and it is getting late. Right now, she has met someone and she and I have not spoken unless I call her. I have to admit, there is a little jealousy going on right now, but hey if she has met the right guy, good for her. She deserves that. With that said, can you step back and let your daughter take care of this in her own way, even if she fails, even if she ends up unhappy with her choice and even if you can see it written all over the walls. Just be there for her when she needs you.

Sometimes our children need us to just watch from a distance and guide them when they ask.

As for the shower, remember, it is both of you giving the shower, so it will be some of your ideas and some of the other girls. Open a bottle of wine (if you drink) and try to have some fun with the planning.

Best wishes, and congratulations.

I think I would have very hurt feelings too. BUT she likes her friends and wants them to be there to take care of her. Let them.

Let them. My first thought is she is going to appreciate you a lot more if they act like that around her. If they eat all the dinner and she doesn't get any then she'll do without. If they mess up the whole house then they, and she, will have to live with it, and so forth.

Do you think hubby is really going to be their maid? Do you really think he's going to sit around while they eat them out of house and home? Will he allow this to continue?

If he does and leaves it for his wife to take care of then he's not a very loving husband in my opinion.

I think he'll get darn tired of them and boot them well before their time to leave and then you'll be there to come in and take care of everything for her.

She is choosing this and she should live with those consequences so she can learn.