Why am I having such a hard time?! Briefly: I am separated, filed for divorce from my husband of 25 years. He is an alcoholic, gambler and became abusive toward the end of our marriage. We have 3 daughters, 23, 20 and 11. My ex-husband was having an affair with his female boss - has since moved in with her. My 23-yr old daughter is 6 months pregnant. I am very excited about my first grandchild. She and her boyfriend invited my ex and his girl-friend over for Super Bowl Sunday. I just found out this morning, strictly by accident. My daughter has had the stomach flu the last few days so I called to see how she was feeling this morning. Asked her if they had any plans for S.B. She told me she invited her dad over (to see their new apartment and for the game). When my youngest found out, she asked if she could go over. Normally I have NO problem when my kids are with their dad and his girlfriend - but it's always been at their house. Now for some reason, today, I am having such a hard time visualizing all of them at my daughter's apartment, and with her being pregnant. I honestly don't know why it's bothering me so much. I've been in tears all day.
No, I don't have any plans today - I am not a fan of football nor of the Super Bowl (just an excuse to party and drink too much), and it was always an unpleasant day during our marriage because he would drink too much and become obnoxious.
Why is this bothering me so much? There are no feelings between me and my ex-husband. I guess what hurts is that my daughter invited them to her house. Please don't get me wrong, I am glad she has a positive relationship with her dad now. I think this whole grandchild thing is bringing a new spin on it. Maybe I'm being possessive?? The idea that the "other woman" (whom I have nothing good to say) is there enjoying my pregnant daughter's home is just killing me.
Simply put, I am sad and I am trying to understand it. I am not normally sad and I really don't like it when I don't understand it! Any input, ideas, suggestions, aha moments, revelations, etc. would be much appreciated. Thanks -
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU . . . I knew I could depend on all of you to lighten my spirit, give me a few laughs, make me think, and help me remember what's truly important. You guys always get it right! I survived. My daughter is on her way home. And I enjoyed a short nap, a bubble bath, a glass of wine and I spent far too long on Pinterest but who cares! Thanks again to each and everyone of you! I truly know where to turn to when I need anything! Love to you all!
J.
I think sometimes when a relationship/marriage is mourned--especially a "bad" O. -- what you're really feeling sad about is the "could have been" not the realty.
On some level you're thinking it would be nice for ALL of you to be together at your pg daughters new apartment.
The upside? The new GF gets his obnoxious self all to HERself and you get a peaceful evening!
I think you felt like it was "your" place because the ex had not been there yet. It's not a "logical" reaction, but it's a natural reaction. Yeah, you're being possessive, but you know what? You're not being an evil mom about it and giving her grief, crying to her about how unfair she is, etc. You are being sad in your head and you are dealing with it maturely. Nobody's perfect. Give yourself a break.
Remind yourself that you have "pure" time together at YOUR home, and she is your daughter and that will not change. It's not the PLACE you spend time together, it's the TIME you spend together. Hugs!
I know it bugs me when my kids reach out to their dad because they don't reach out to me. Then I remember I am always reaching out to them, they have no reason to reach out to me, we talk, ya know? With my ex, he doesn't do a thing unless someone else organize it. If my kids didn't reach out, invite him, they probably wouldn't see him.
I think the key to sanity, to not feeling sad, is figuring out why.
In your case it is probably he enjoys the super bowl, you don't, nothing more.
I'm sorry. I really am sorry. I think that's got to be hard. I think you are just emotional because you've put sooo much into your children and while you love and are excited for them, feel like you are getting pushed aside.
Mama - you are NOT being pushed aside...
Pity this W. who has ended up with your "trash". you threw him out like trash - you go girl!!! So no longer give her any thought. She will find out what a catch he is sooner or later.
Take a deep breath. You don't like football any way - so there was no reason to invite you over. That would be like my daughter inviting me over to her home to watch hockey - I don't care about hockey. does that make sense?
You are most likely concerned about this other W. taking your place. She will NOT.
Or you might be concerned if he gets too drunk and if he gets violent.
Take a deep breath...go take a LONG HOT BATH and just cry it all out. Then when you have exhausted all of that - let it go. Be secure in your relationship with your children. It will all work out. Breathe...just remember to breathe...
I think you're entitled to a "sad day". Use it to your advantage to take care of YOU!!! Tomorrow will be better...
I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Your possessive feelings are also very normal. I remember the day I got my divorce I felt like such a failure, even though I knew I was doing the best thing for my son and myself. I initiated the divorce, wanted the divorce, but yet it is still a loss. The best thing I could do was focus on how good my life was without him, and the reasons why we were where we were. Do some things that you love to do, read a good book, shop, get a pedicure, and allow yourself to feel the sadness for a minute and then move on and appreciate all the wonderful things ahead in your new life. NO ONE will ever take your place. I am a child of divorce, and have been divorced, so I know how your kids feel and how you feel. I think you just need to allow yourself to feel the sadness, crying is a good thing sometimes. This was a huge part of your past life, so of course you feel it. however and many more wonderful things and wonderful memories are coming for the next chapter. Best of luck!!
Simply...you weren't invited. You may not like football or care one fig about the game and maybe you couldn't have or wouldn't have gone anyway, but sometimes it's nice to just be invited.
Everyone is there BUT you. It may be childish, but sometimes you can't help the way you feel. Add the fact that your baby is having a baby and you're not there, ouchie.
Take a deep breath, have a good cry, do something for yourself. Bubble bath and wine? A favorite movie no one else likes? You've been "Mommy" so long do something to remind yourself who Lyttmab is.
Good luck!
Well, I think you're a sweetie for coming on here and asking your question the way you did. You aren't ranting and raving and screaming about it. You see it in a realistic light, and you DO have a good attitude about it all.
I think it's perfectly normal for you to be upset, even though you see the logic of your daughter having a positive relationship with him. It probably stirs up all the awful feelings this man put you through before.
However, I will bet that you are actually thinking about your pregnant daughter being hurt by him, like he hurt you, although it's really not the same. You are probably just wishing you could protect her from his cruelty, like you wish you could have done when she was younger. The new baby surely has triggered this.
I don't think that you should say anything to your daughter about being upset. I do think that perhaps now is not the time to send your younger one over there. You could give yourself time to get used to this other woman being around your grandbaby before you do that.
More than anything, keep your good attitude, and give yourself time to get used to the idea of having to share with the "interloper". Your good attitude is what will get you through it. Terrible attitudes eat people up inside and mess up their psyche, and make them miserable to be around and make them seem mentally unbalanced. Those are the people who you wonder if they caused most of their own problems in their prior marriage.
If it makes you feel any better, just keep it in your mind that she has to live with all his awful traits, and that one day he'll screw around on HER and make her feel terrible like he made you feel.
Dawn
The exclusion factor?
At Ex's house... Its his thing.
At your daughters house its HER thing, that you aren't invited to... But everyone else is.
I would feel this same way. My heart would be hurt but my head would realize its how it has to be. And also that everyone knows I don't like football so its not something they would think I would hate not to be included in. Sadly this seems like it is going to be your 'new normal' going forward as your ex will want to spend time with his daughters and grandchild. My advice would be to somehow try to find a way to mesh with your ex and his new wife if this is not too painful so that the big occasions won't have to be either you or him. This may be hard though considering the affair but maybe worth a shot? At any rate the good thing is that you are the mom and you will always trump the dad when it comes to daughters and grandkids so you are who they will want first. Today was an anomolie b/c of football.
You're sad and you know why it just hasn't pinched you yet. Also, knowing that they are together perhaps like you all used to be before things soured gotta make you feel down, too. Don't worry yourself. At least they are going to be enjoying themselves having a good time watching men pounce on one another.
Don't call them. Cry it out instead, you're probably overdue for a purging. Smile!
Sending you a hug! I really sympathize with you! Would it be too evil of me to wish that your ex and his girlfriend boss get food poisoning... But not your daughter:).
