I Need Sleep!!!! - Lutz,FL

Hi S.! I've got 2 boys of my own, ages 3 and 5. I have dealt with the wandering-in child in the middle of the night with both of them. At least 2 or 3 nights a week somebody comes and crawls into bed with us. For the most part, for us anyway, it's not a big deal. I have always felt that they come to us because they have a need for SOMETHING, even if they don't even know for themselves exactly what that need is. A drink of water, cuddles after a scary dream, or just comfort that little boys need from their parents. Whatever it is, we just have learned that they have some kind of need that is fulfilled by climbing into bed with us and going back to sleep. Sometimes we take them back into their own rooms and lay down with them for a moment. Sometimes they stay in the bed, and sometimes I kick myself out of my own bed and go find some couch space or crawl into their empty bed. For us, making any kind of situation out of it just isn't worth it.
Especially at their ages, half the time they aren't even fully awake and conscious of what they're doing so punishment is completely unfair. My son's doc has even given me literature in the past about wake/sleep cycles in kids and the state of 'semi-alertness' that is usually when they come wandering in. My 5-year old did this constantly for about 2 years from ages 2-4. It's tapered off to maybe once a month, if that. My 3-year old is doing it several times a week now. I figure it will fade away on its own, just like it did with our oldest. Right now it's just what he 'needs to do' and we treat it that way. If he's still crawling in bed with us at 10, we'll probably have to try something new then ;-) but, for now anyway, we have just learned to save our energy for the daytime... and "all the bells and whistles that go along with a house of boys!" as you say! Good luck and best wishes.

Hi S. - How frustrating for you and your family. I would suggest that however you decide to handle this you do it consistently. For instance if you decide that he's not going to get into bed with you it needs to be that way every time he gets out of bed. Whether it's one time or 5 times in a night. The payoff for him to get out of bed is any attention you give him, even negative. My son sleeps great through the night but I've noticed him trying to prolong the bedtime routine and after we tuck him in he keeps talking to us. I answer him one time and then I just pretend I can't hear him and then he goes to sleep. I think that when your son gets out of bed you should quietly take him back to bed tuck him in and leave the room. I wouldn't engage him in any conversation, like asking him why he's up, or telling him he shouldn't be up, and if he tries to talk to you ignore him. (Unless of course he's telling you something important, like his ears hurt or he feels sick) Do it the same way each time and hopefully when he realizes there is no payoff for him to get out of bed, maybe he'll stop doing it. I hope that this helps you. Take care and good luck!
N.

Does he nap? You may want to take away nap, he just may not be tired.

Is it a need for attention with a new baby? You may want to take time to make special with him while the baby is napping.

Is it fear or discomfort? You may want to try adding a night light, or if he has one turn it off after he is sleeping when you go to bed.

Is it a need to be closer to you? You may want to make him a place in your room where he can "camp" if he wakes, w/o waking you. Put a sleeping back where you won't step on him if you go to take care of the baby. Let him come in and lay there.

Trust yourself and do what you feel comfortable. I would say if taking away all his toys is not helping, it is something beyond his immediate control, and you need to try something else. If you try something and it does not work after 5 or 6 days try something different.

That's typical with young kids. They go through stages. If taking the toys away doesn't work, stop doing that and try something else. I have a recently turned five year old. He started when he was four getting out of bed and coming to our room, trying to sneak in bed with us. I would walk him back and tuck him in, even if I had to do it a couple of times. If it kept up, I'd offer to try to make him more comfortable. Sometimes they get scared and just need an extra light on. Sometimes I would put the tv on, with a certain (approved) cartoon or one of those Einstein DVD's with music and pictures on it and that would occupy him until he fell back to sleep. Sometimes he was hungry, just like we get hungry at night and I'd sit there and have a quick snack and/or drink with him and than he'd go back to bed. Persistence if the key. I too don't let my son think it's okay to sleep in our bed but every now and than you give them that treat, that option to lay up and watch a movie, even to the point of falling asleep and than move them to their bed. Bonding is important because they do grow up so fast. (I have two older kids that are 20 and 21 and my 5 year old and a newborn, just a month old)

I totally like the idea of having a 'camp' place in your room if he feels he wants to be closer. Where does the 2 year old sleep? Did the 4 yearold used to sleep with you since you say he 'hasn't been allowed to sleep with us for some time'? If you REALLY don't want him in bed with you or even in your room at all, then I would try to make sleeping in his room more enticing....maybe new bedding, some cool new PJs, new bedtime books, glow in the dark stars for the ceiling, music of his choice, a night light to look at books. He obviously wants to be with you (which should be a good feeling to you!!) and will have to have something feel better than being with Mommy.... be creative and think of his feelings. Sure, punishment may eventually work, but it's a battle and is not sympathitic to his emotional maturity and feelings about wanting to be close to you....

Everyone has their own parenting styles, some are newer with more new research while some are traditional and old-fashioned. Sleeping with or near parents has been shown to create more of a sense of security and independence while situations where the young child is not allowed near when they need it emotionally often get clingy, insecure, lack trust and independence, rather than the other way around! Just go slow either way...Good luck with everything and hang in there! Everything passes and soon you will have a teenager that sleeps all the time and doesnt call out to you at night!

Wean your child away from TV and any other media at this young age. Get him outside in nature every day and let him run, climb, crawl, jump--all those natural movements of childhood. Taking in any images on a television screen can disturb a child's sleep life. If you want to talk to a mother in our school who removed TV from her two sons let me know and I'll put you in touch with her. Her life has changed dramtically for the better!
B. Bedingfield
Suncoast Waldorf School

Hi S.,
Whem our daughter was 4 or 5 she would wake up and come into our room
saying she was scared. Nothing seemed to calm her fears.
She slept with her favorite stuffed animal, a little pink elephant.
One day i got this idea:
I sprayed my perfume on the elephant and told her whenever she is scard
to hold the elephant tight and smell it. It would remind her of me and
to remember I would not let anything happen to her. So she could then
turn over (turn away from the bad dream) and go back to sleep.

It worked! Something that simple worked after trying everything else we
could think of.
Sounds silly, but you might give it a try.
Also walk your child through the house and show him all the doors are
locked and all the windows so we are all safe.

Good luck!
T.
Now the grandmother of a 5 year old

I would like to politely disagree with you saying "we tried everything", along with the "he's not allowed to sleep in your bed and hasn't for some time" after you commented that somtimes you throw him in bed with you. It sounds to me like you are not consistent at all, since what you're saying isn't even consistent.

You need a plan of action and you need to stick to it. Unless he's sick, he shouldn't need to wander into your room night after night. He's old enough to tell you what may be wrong... is he too hot or cold at night? Is he becoming scared of the dark? Is he waking up feeling alone? Is he having bad dreams? Does he need to use the bathroom? Is he sick? I agree that taking away his toys obviously isn't helping, and the "punishment" isn't really fitting the "crime" anyway. Instead you need to establish a new bedtime routine and stick to it. Even if it takes you a month. It has been said that developing new habits with children can take anywhere between 2-6 weeks. (I suppose whether they are stubborn-types goes into play here.) Unless he's sick, I would ask him once if there is something wrong, if not, I'd calmly take him by the hand, and say, "Well, then it's time to go back to your bed then." I might have some soothing music and a cd playing stereo on hand. No young child I've come across can resist the soothing lull of music. I trained my son to it as an infant, and kept his door open when he took naps and never did the "shush! the baby's sleeping!" like other people do, and my son would sleep through a war now. But, he has his nights, like every kid, that he has sleep troubles. He has OCD, so sometimes he needs to be talked out of his worries and have his thoughts redirected to something positive before bed, but even with his disorder, he's been a great sleeper for me.

The main thing is to stay with it! If he goes from every night to a couple nights then something IS starting to work. And I also caution the mom that didn't see it as a big deal in the advice below. My sister-in-law's niece slept with her mother until 11!! She couldn't sleep alone. And my other sister-in-law's kids (almost 7 & 4) kick dad out of bed every night to sleep with mom. I find it ridiculous. Parents need a Parent Zone, and that's what our bedroom should be. But I suppose every family has different priorities. Good luck with this! I hope you get advice that helps you.

S.,
My son has always always had sleeping issues. One thing that has started working for us is positive reinforcement/bribery, and at times I just lock my bedroom door and hope he'll just pass out on his own.
The making a deal is the best, when benadryl/singulair is not working. I started out telling him that if he sleeps all through the night in his bed for 2 nights, then we will go buy him a hot wheels car. This is a great incentive for him and does work. Of course nothing is fool proof and we still have some nights of battle of the will.
I hate to punish him if he's really scared of his room or needs that extra quality attention.
If all else fails, I just lock the door to my bedroom. And when he tries getting in, I try to calmly tell him to go back to his bed and go to sleep. Eventually he falls asleep.
If that doesn't work... then, I get angry. But I rather not get angry because it upsets us both.
Hope this helps! Good luck!
D.

I FEEL YOUR PAIN! My daughter has the same problem and she is now 6 years old. I just take her back to bed, tuck her in and kiss her good night. That seems to work, but there are nights when she needs to be close to me so I make her a little "blanket" bed on the floor next to myside of the bed. I don't allow her in the bed. I feel that if I make it too comfortable for her, she'd be there every night.
I'm affraid there's no quick fix to this. Just persistance and a very consistant bedtime routine.
You might want to discuss this with your pediatrician as well. They might be able to recommend some other stratagies.

Hi S.,
I feel you pain and understand your predicament, since I have had to go through the same thing with all my kids (8, 5, 3). I never did the "hush, baby is sleeping" thing, and my kids could sleep through anything during nap time, but at night, they would often get up and crawl over to our room and in our bed. Since I nursed them and co-slept the first year of their lives, I think that may have something to do with it. Everyone has given great ideas, so I guess the main thing is: consistency in what you do. Since I also work full time, I understand the feeling that sometimes it's more important to get some sleep and so you throw the kid in the bed with you as an immediate solution (been there, done that). Just make sure you talk with them about the importance of sleep (it's when you grow), and take them back to their bed at night. If it's difficult to do because you are so exhausted, you can place a sleeping bag on the floor in your room and tell them they can sleep in there as long as they don't wake you up. Then you can slowly move the sleeping bag away from your bed until it is out of your room, maybe in the hallway. They eventually can get tired of sleeping on the floor and realize that their bed is more comfortable (worked with my oldest). Also, it's been found that night lights can affect how kids sleep. Once I learned that, I took the night lights out of their rooms, and only kept one in the bathroom and one in the hall way (worked with my other two). There is hope. My boys stay in their room now and don't wake me up in the morning if they get up earlier than me, even serving themselves and their little sister breakfast. Good luck to you!
C.