I Need Serious Advice About My Ex and Me Getting Back Together! Asap Please

Honestly, I think religion is one of your last worries with Robert. First of all if either of you were devout Christians (Mormons are Christian) then you probably wouldn't have had a child out of wedlock. That's not a judgement, just a statement that neither of those religions support premarital sex. So, unless you both found religion since then, religion might not be a big issue in your relationship.

What I would be worrying about more is what kind of father and man he is. You said that he now accepts being a father. What does that mean? Is he active in Benjamin's life? Does he provide child support? Is he a good role model for your son? Why did it take him 2 years to own up to being a dad? What kind of a dad will he be if you were to have more children? Is he now in Benjamin's life because it's convenient now that his marriage is failing or because he truly is stepping up to be a real father? These are a few of the many important fathering questions you should be asking yourself.

As for what kind of man he is... Why did he marry someone else the same time you were having HIS son? Why is he coming back to you now? Is he lonely? Is he the kind of man that always "needs" a woman in his life? Is this a pattern he will most-likely repeat - jumping from woman to woman? He sounds like he falls in love quickly without getting to know people or possibly has affairs.

None of the answers are my business - just things you need to seriously think about. It sounds like you had a whirl-wind relationship and that you don't really KNOW each other. Personally, with the track record you briefly mentioned, he is not one to stick around for, but that's your decision to make. The MAIN thing to remember now is that you need to take things slow and don't introduce him into your son's life as a boyfriend until you are positive that you want to go down that road. There is NO reason that Robert cannot be a wonderful dad to Benjamin and not be in your life romantically - which is really where you guys should start. IF down the road you are committed to making a relationship work (couples counseling at either one of your churches would be great) - THEN you could move in that direction. Don't confuse your little boy and get his hopes up for a man that might not stick around.

Oh, and to answer your question about religion... if it is that big of deal for either of you, would the other be willing to convert? If not, then you choice is to either support each other in each other's religion OR not start up a relationship that cannot work. Please, please think of some of the bigger issues I brought up. I wish all the best for you and your little boy!! :-D

Hi, A.,

I was struck by the friendliness of your tone as you wrote. I'm guessing you are a "people person" in a big way. I've scanned your old posts (they don't go all the way back through your pregnancy) to get a stronger sense of what your life is like. I'm also guessing that you fly on feelings.

These characteristics are wonderful and have their strengths, but also potential weaknesses, which I hope you will be aware of. And just the fact that you are asking for advice on this suggests to me that too much extroversion could work against a good decision. So please proceed with caution, for your own sake, and the sake of your wonderful son.

Marda has given you some wise advice. Having gotten the impression from your earlier posts that you are easily influenced by feelings, other people, and circumstances, I agree with her that you probably need independence, time and space to continue maturing into a whole and confident person. It sounds like you have been making wonderful strides in that direction, and this is one of the greatest gifts you will ever offer your little boy. What a model you will be for him!

I'm concerned that Robert needs to do some serious growing up before he's fit to be a daddy to your little boy. There's a huge gulf right now between where he is and where he would need to be in order to be a good dad and family member. The simple fact that he's leaving a brief marriage is a big red flag. Rebound romances, often based in need, are far less likely to succeed than those that start from a foundation of friendship and trust. Has he ever given you reasons to trust his love or reliability? It really doesn't sound like it. I could give your several examples from your earlier posts that sound like quite the opposite is true. You and your child deserve more than that.

It's fabulous to ask for advice. And a descision this profoundly important would best be made from a profoundly deep place in you. Would you be willing to just sit silently for 20-30 minute periods and ask yourself/God these important questions? Who am I, really? What do I most need? What does my son most need? Where can these needs be best met?

The most helpful prayer for me has been that in which I simply posed a question, and then sat, silent and obedient, waiting for answers or guidance. It has been important to stop my mental rationalizing, explaining, arguing, bargaining or begging, so that I could sense any answer that might come. The results have sometimes been surprising and life-changing. At some point, a simple and direct knowledge or assurance may just rise up in you, and you can proceed in that direction with happiness and confidence. If that doesn't come, don't move in that direction.

My best to you.

A. - I am relatively new to this board, so know nothing about you or your past. But, as another mama said, he is your EX for a reason. You said it's because you didn't really try and give it a shot. There is a reason you didn't. Look back at your past together so that you remember what that was.
Also, NEVER start dating or even talking with someone about getting together with them until his marriage is DONE. That means the divorce is final. It is disrespectful on both of your parts teven be talking about getting together, much less physically being together. Lots of men say they are seperated or getting divorce and nothing comes of it. WAIT until the divorce is final. And then also realize that people may tell a story as to why a marriage didn't work, but it's not always true.
Relgion- Mormonism and Chritianity are two very different religions. If he was married in the temple it may be difficult to divorce.
Also, if a man doesn't claim his son or doesn't want to get close to his son, there is something wrong with that man. It is so easy to test for paternity. Shame on him for not being there for his son.
If my son's Bio-Dad ever came to me and said he wanted a chance there is no way in HELL it would ever happen. Plus he signed over his rights.
A., just go into this with your eyes WIDE open. Good luck to you, L.

Hi A., and congratulations on your success, and getting on the road to a better life for yourself and for Benjamin! It sounds like you are taking control of your life, and embracing your independence and finding self-confidence in yourself--sounds like exactly what you need.

I agree with the other posters who said that rekindling a relationship with someone you left already, and who now wants to leave his wife, is NOT a good idea, for you, or for Benjamin, and for reasons having nothing to do with religion.

The other posters have covered them, but let me ask you to do yourself a favor: PLEASE think more of yourself and Benjamin, and get it into your head that you both deserve better than a yo-yo life. You are capable of making a good life for you both, and being happy without this guy, and really, I think you need to learn how to make yourself happy, before you think about being in another relationship.

All that aside, there's the fact that you and Robert seem to have never had a good relationship in the first place--why would it work now? Especially since there are yet *more* obstacles--ie, religion, your child is now old enough to be aware of and upset about Robert not being around if you two break up again, you will now have an ex to contend with(is she pregnant? Will there be other children in the picture?), and the probability that Robert may be the "grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence" type.

You've asked for our advice, and I think most of us think that you being EXes is for the best. Marda, Donna and Peg had some excellent words of wisdom for you, and I would add that you and Robert both have some maturing to do, and how soon that happens depends on how well you make decisions, and how careful you are about those decisions. It sounds to me like you both want to do what's easiest and most familiar--trust me when I say that you two being together will NOT be easy!

I wish you all all the best, and much happiness, whether it's with each other, or not.

K. W

A.,

No matter the reasons now, he's your EX for a reason. I think it would be really hard on little Benjamin if Daddy left, and now he's back. At some level he would wonder if Daddy is leaving again, and that is a whole different can of worms to deal with.

It sounds like you're getting yourself on your own two feet and that you and your son are doing just fine the two of you. If another man were to enter into the picture, Benjamin would have issues. Most likely he will start acting out because he thinks that Robert is trying to take his Mommy away from him. I would not get back together with Robert for any reason.

As for the religion thing my husband is Mormon, and I'm Pagan. We make it work but it takes a lot of head shaking and agreeing to disagree on certain issues. We also take the effort to try and understand where the other is coming from.

I think you and Benjamin are fine without Robert coming back into the picture.

Melissa

Hi, A.. I was reading through the responses to your question and one really got to me. I don't know you, but i really just wanted to say that no one knows your heart and not one of us can judge where you or Robert stand with God. We all make mistakes and they have nothing to do with how devout we are in our faith. I'm glad I serve a God who's a God of grace and mercy. Without grace we would have no hope.
Anyway, A., be careful. Think of your little boy first. The decisions you make affect his life. Relationships are hard work and having an instant issue like religion doesn't help. Use wisdom, A., and good luck! :-)

If I were you, I'd give radio talk show host Dr. Laura a call. 800-DRLAURA between noon and 3 pm. I know that she has a great deal of experience talking to people about family situations and different religions, etc. She's also a pretty straight shooter and has written some books (The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriages) that might help you.

Good luck!

I am sorry to say that I think that if it did not work the first time then it probably would not work a second time. Also since he's soon to be divorced he may be a totally different person. Failed relationships can really scar a person. Of course it is up to you as to wether or not you think that you can love him. Think of how hard it would be on your child if you got back together and it did not work.
I see that someone else posted saying that Mormanism and Christianity are not that different. I was raised Morman and am now a Christian. There are HUGE differences that could be really hard for the two of you. I personally believe that Jesus died for my sins so that I can go to heaven if I have faith in him. A Morman would look at a lot more factors as to wether or not you go to heaven. That is huge. I think that you should pray about it. Also maybe see if he would be willing to see a Christian counselor that can help you two to decide. If it is meant to be then congratulations. If not then you and your child will be saved great heartbreak.

If religion is the biggest thing standing in the way, you could work on a compromise. For example, if neither one of you is willing to attend or convert or whatever you believe is "necessary" for it to work out, you could always expose your son to both religions. That way he is experiencing both of them. I know it sounds strange, but it might be a workable compromise and your son will understand after a while that they are two seperate things. You will each need to sit down with him and share your experiences, etc. ...might be worth a shot.

Hi A.! M. Here. I just joined. I can't really comment or give many suggestions on what to do with religion. But here's my thoughts on it.....would he be willing to change religions? I'm sure that theres a world of difference between the two! I think that if you both want to work things out, what best for all of you, might be a good idea to do some comprising. If hes not, then since your willing to possible switch over, thats good! But I feel thet its a 2 way street and you both should be trying not just one.

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To understand the difference between Mormons and Christians you need to do your research. Mormons are not Christians.