What Do I Do with My Three Year Old?

I've went through this, and still going through it. My 8 yearold does things like that to my 3 yearold. I had to take everything from her, and tell her to spend the day in her room with nothing to do, and it seemed to work for awhile. Wish you luck.

This works better than anything else I've tried:

We teach our kids that it's their job to protect each other. "You don't hurt brother...you're supposed to protect brother!"

If they're fighting, sometimes I just walk over with big exaggerated steps and say, "I'm going to get you!"...more steps..."I'm going to get [little sister] unless someone protects her!"...more big steps..and whisper, "(hurry, give [little sister] a hug so she's protected)"

As soon as he's hugging his little sister, I pretend I can't see them any more. "hey, where did she go?...oh well"...and I turn around and look somewhere else. Repeat a few times.

I also encourage my kids to stand up for each other - even when they're being disciplined. If Daddy is scolding my son, I'll whisper to my older daughter to "go protect him". She goes over and says, "hey, you stop yelling at him"....dad asks, "are you protecting him?" If she says yes, we always lighten the punishment--letting them both know that it's because she protected him.

My 4 yr old sticks up for his sisters when they need it. He is fearless getting in my face to protect his little sister. and I always reward him for it.

If they don't protect each other....then I tickle the one I'm after (the one that should have been protected) and giggle and play with her for a while.

It works fast and they learn to be there for each other.

We also say "oh! that made her sad. you go give her a hug OR you go fix it" or "you go say SORRY". "are you OK?"

This might not work because he's at a temperamental age, but here's how I taught all my children to be kind and compassionate -- it eventually worked easily on all of them. (I run into lots of families that never taught kindness or compassion -- we avoid those children like the plague.)

Every time he does something hurtful or scary or mean to the younger one, explain to your son how it FEELS to the baby. "When you hit Sam, it hurts his body. Sometimes it hurts all day, and sometimes he gets a bruise. Remember when you feel off the slide, and how that bump hurt for several days, and how you cried? That's how it feels to Sam when you hit him. He also becomes afraid of you. He wants to love you, but he's going to stop loving you and stop wanting to be around you if he thinks you're going to hurt him whenever you're around."

Tell him all this in a kind, sad voice., THEN give him a brief time out -- again, in a calm matter-of-fact voice. We make our kids sit next to the guinea pig's cage, for about one minute.

The excellent adult neighbors across the street scream at their kids when the kids are bad, and give them time outs in their bedrooms which last for hours, but they NEVER discuss WHY we don't hurt people. Consequently, those children are mean to each other, mean to neighbors, mean to small children, and reckless with pets. The parents, who are very good Christian people, are completely clueless how mean their children are compared to other families.

(I'm just giving examples. I know that your child will not turn out this way, because you're trying really hard to teach him the right thing.) Blessings to you!

I was listening to a tape by Kevin Leman, author of Have a new kid by friday, and his suggestion for children with behavior problems that were that little was to just take them and put them in their room without saying a word. He said that it may take a few time a doing and sometimes they scream for hours, but always works. After they have calmed down the you can take them out and talk to them about it. If a any time they start yelling or behaving badly, put them back in their room and wait for him to behave again. He said he key is to not say anything, just pick him up and put him in his room and if you have to hold he door shut. It will probably be hard to do, but Im sure if would be worth it!

Welcome to 3 yr old boys. I've got one myself & we're going through similar issues. I think it is normal behavior - kids at this age really start testing their boundaries. I've gotten some great coping strategies from the love & logic books...especially the one specifically for kids from birth to 6 yrs. I checked it out from the library & it really seems to help. Good luck!

I would explain to him that it looks like he needs some practice loving his brother and so he will need to do something nice for him(something you come up with and preferably something he'd rather not do.)Don't treat it as a punishment and don't act angry with him, just let him see how sad it makes you that he treats his brother this way and help him see (from your tone of voice, etc.) that you want him to know how to love someone so you are helping him by having him practice. I have found that when my kids start to catch on that every time they are unkind they will have to practice kindness and service, they 'learn' to be kind very quickly. Good luck.

As an adult baby sister of a '3 years my senior older brother', please, please, please, do not let them 'work it out'. This was the tactic my mom always tried, and I suffered for years as a result. Yes, I occasionally instigated things, but not to the extent that I was punished for 'it takes two to tangle'. I grew up never wanting to have children because I figured all they did was fight. I eventually came to my senses, and we also realize now that my brother has 'issues' (Aspergers maybe? suffice to say he's still an a-hole)

Not sure of the solution, and possibly my case is a rare exception (although I lived with a family while I was in college with young siblings that were the same way), but I just had to throw out my $.02.

Some good advice already. Just wanted to underline the idea of not letting them work it out. Too young and not enough skills to do so yet.

Also, I am so into positive reinforcement. It seems hard sometimes to shift gears to this because we are often in the mindset that they are misbehaving and therefore need consequences (because they drive us nuts!!). I would recommend having definite consequences in place (if you hurt your brother, you will sit in time out, etc.). But also look for times when he is kind (easier said than done, I know) and praise the heck out of him. You will see the tide start to turn. Maybe even a little treat now and then when he does something nice for brother. You are not bribing him, because he does still have consequences when he's mean, but he will change more for the reward and your praise.

I also LOVE the idea someone posted about making a big deal of him staying up a little later than little brother and starting to point out the perks of being older.

Finally, I would not recommend just putting him in his room without speaking to him. May work for some, but in your situation I think I would make things worse- he'll become more angry and feel isolated. Good luck.

It sounds like you've hit a rough patch. We went through a similar phase. And even worse, my younger son is absolutely petrified of being locked out or covered with a blanket. I think he's a little claustrophobic, and if he can't get to me, he panics.
I think your son is testing boundaries, seeking some independence and seeing how much you'll let him have. My oldest responds well to talks. We can talk to him about things and he understands. So I asked him what thing he's most afraid of (I think it's being left behind) and asked him how he feels when he's afraid. I explained that his little brother feels the same way when he locks him out. If he hit the little one, I talked to him about how it hurts when someone hits him, so it hurts when he hits his little brother. Empathy is a tough concept at this age, but it helps immensely.

After that sunk in a little bit, if he still tripped or hit or otherwise hurt his little brother, I took him away from the situation immediately and told him that he may not hurt his brother. There just isn't any room on that one. He may not hurt other people. But he has to understand what hurts other people first.

I don't use timeouts much. People don't seem to understand that they are ONLY to be used to take a child out of a situation that is overwhelming them. It's never to be used as a punishment, or to be made to feel like a punishment. But if you do see your son acting overwhelmed and then act out by hurting his brother, that may be an appropriate solution.

It also helped to set aside some toys that each could have that the other couldn't. So there was not much fighting about those toys. The big one could put his toys up higher, and it was his responsibility to control himself from taking his brother's off-limit toys.

We also went through a period of time when the oldest yelled at us or refused to do what we asked. I called it sassing (although it's not a technically accurate definition of the word, but we needed a word for it). I stated plainly that when he sasses me, he must apologize before I count to 3, or he'd get spanked and go to his room. So when he said something disrespectful, snotty, or yelled at me, I would say, "You just sassed me. You know what you need to do. One...Two...Three!" At first, he tested me and refused to say he was sorry. So he got swatted on the bum and sent to his room. There was much crying and yelling on his part, but he only did that once or twice. He started saying "I'm sorry!" and after a few months, stopped disrespecting.

It's a tough stage, but you'll get through it and things will smooth out. Hang in there and keep teaching your son the skills he needs to be a good boy.

Quick--get your hands on a copy of the book "Siblings Without Rivalry." It's a work of genius, and a simple, quick read with illustrations to reinforce concepts. The book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk" by the same authors is also a classic. I am an only child with three sons and these book probably saved my children's lives. These books are in paperback cheap and are also probably at the library. You will feel so validated and helped by both of these books, I am sure.
An important concept from "Siblings Without Rivalry" when handling teasing is to pay attention to the victim, not the perpatrator.
Best wishes.

It is terrible THREES! :)
First, set up time with just you and him. Empower him with a discussion how it feels when someone is mean. That it hurts and that it is amazing that he is a big brother and responsible for teaching his little brother things.
Then set him up for the job. Say something like "wow you did a great job on that, could you be the teacher and show your little brother how to do that???"...when he is nice praise him, remind him what a great big brother he is. When he is mean ask him to walk away and go by himself if he cannot be nice. When mine fight I seperate them to the point they beg me to allow them to play together! :)

If he raises his voice at you ever, look him square in the face eye to eye and firmly say "you will not talk to me that way!", you just lost ....whatever priviledge or earlier bedtime or whatever works for him. If he grabs a toy away from his brother, take the toy away from him. Hand it back to your younger son and look him square in the face and say "it is not nice to grab toys, now you cannot play with that the rest of the day". If they are both fighting over a toy, set a timer for turns. That takes you out of the control part of it and it is a timer telling them to share.

My daughter went through some bumps just being hard on her brother, I can talk to her about how it hurts when someone is mean and that she is to be helping him be nice and teaching him good things not bad. It has to be okay for him to have downtime away and you cannot force him to play with his little brother.

If he walks away from his brother, then you sit down and play with your younger son and be the example how much fun playing with someone else is...

I know my daughter will shut herself off and my son will beg at the door to let him play, to be honest I get her wanting time away to herself so I explain to my youngest that "you know, she needs downtime, let her be and come do this with me and maybe later she will change her mind"...99% of the time she changes her mind if he stops asking and sees him hanging out with me. Yours sound younger so that logic may not work, but don't force them playing together, let him come to the realization it is fun to have a little brother around himself.

Make sure you empower him, put him to bed 25 minutes after his little brother for being older, give him the powers that come with being the big brother too. Start an art project or something they both can do together with you there overseeing. Play a game that includes them both.

All you can do is have consequences if he is pushing or hitting however you cannot force him to play with his brother. The more you push the more of a power struggle it will become.

Off hand, I would say that the big brother feels like the little brother is getting more attention. I would suggest that you give the big brother special "big brother" chores. Just tell him that you need his help because he is the big brother and teach the little brother how to be grown up. Make sure that you reserve special things for big brothers to do. Don't let him get away with the defiance. Be sure to tell him that he will not talk to you that way. Be firm but be loving.

I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. I know where you are coming from. The defiance from the 3 year old is just a growing stage where he is asserting his independance and testing boundaries. Make sure the boundaries stay the same so he will know what they are -- and he will keep testing them. Make sure the rules are clear to him -- they may be clear in your head, but if you are not ALWAYS consistent when enforcing them he may be confused.
For a while, when my daughter was really, really little and he was not listening about being gentle with her I just told him that anything he did to her I would do to him. So when he pinched her, I pinched him -- along with a reminder that if he didn't like the way it felt he shouldn't do it to her. It only took a few times before he realized the link between the two and started being nicer. Along with that, we always talk about loving his sister and how we show people we love them by being nice to them.
One thing with the yelling at you when you say no -- my son has been doing the same thing. When he does, I say "Thank you for using your words/voice to tell me how you feel. I'm sorry that you feel that way, but you get to choose your feelings. However you do not get to choose (do/stop doing whatever it was he yelled at us for)." This really curtails it. He may grumble and be mad, but he doesn't lash out and hit and he does obey.
Good luck to you -- this parenting thing is a confusing and wild ride!

I don't know if this is your situation or not, but we started to notice a slight change in our daughter with her little brother too. She'd always been so good with him, and then all of a sudden she started throwing a few more fits and not being as nice to him as she was. We looked at our situation and realized that we were still treating our little guy like he was a baby. We were a lot more disciplined with her because she was our first. We didn't put up with fits and didn't baby her when she got to a certain age, but because he was our baby, we kind of didn't realize at first that he really wasn't anymore. She was starting to act like him and be mean to him because she got more attention that way. So lately we have been trying to be more fair, and treat him like the toddler that he is, and then give her more positive attention when she acts like the big girl she is. Everytime she does something good we make a big deal out of it, so she realizes it isn't just negative things you get attention for. She and him are playing a lot better. When he throws fits we either ignore him or put him in his crib. Now that we realize that is what he is doing. This could be the same problem, or maybe its not. Hope that helps.

The next time he asks to do something say "oh so sorry you tripped your brother earlier so no you can not play with so and so" or no you can not ride your bike or whatever he loves to do. Hit him where it hurts and keep him guessing. We have seen a dramatic behavior improvement with our 3 year old since implementing this method. Time outs were too predictable and I guess she decided she could live with them if she got what she wanted. She can not live without her princess dresses, special trips to the park or an occassional 30 min of cartoons however.

I have found that my children do similar things to each other when they aren't getting enough POSITIVE attention. They want attention from us parents and will do anything, positive or negative, to get it.

I have also found that having the child that is being hurtful feel the pain that he/she is causing others is a good way to help them understand what is being done by their actions.

HTH & have a GREAT day!

S.

Welcome to sibling rivalry! You are doing nothing wrong, this is so normal! We use love and logic( there are books, seminars, etc). It will not fix it or make it go away but hopefully give you some tool so you can cope better! Also get your husband on board with it so you guys can be a unified front!