I Need Help with My 3 1\2 Yr. Old Boy Who Is Very Hard and Doesn't Listen

A.-
when my daughter was 3 1/2 i bought a book called "how to stop yelling, nagging, and pleading and get your child to listen" the theory of the book is that we talk too much, give too many warnings. it says we need to think before we speak, then speak (one time) then follow through. also it focuses on natural consequences. for example you say "please put your sneakers on", child ignores, you give no more warnings, but walk him out the door in stocking feet (shoes and extra socks w/ you of course)
it gave me some good ideas, you might want to check it out.
good luck,
L.

Hi,

We use the book, 123 Magic, with our 3 and 5 year olds. It takes the emotion out. The program has been really helpful for all of us including my kids. My husband is a pychotherapist and he recommends it to his clients.

:) Sara

I think 3 is the most difficult age. The one strategy I tried that finally worked with my son was taking something away from him that he cared about-- his favorite toy of the moment. After a specified period of good behavior, he'd receive it back. Be careful not to overdo this, though. Good luck!

Hi A.,

it sounds like maybe it is time for an evaluation... it is always better to rule out neurological issues before you keep slamming your head into a wall. I have a 10 year old who this sounds a little bit like... except mine had no attention span and was therefore easier to redirect than what it sounds like you are dealing with. one thing I try to remember with my little ones is that they dont have any control over their lives to speak of, and try to get that any way they can. when your child starts to feel that they are in control, it is scary, and things escalate. see what happens if you make it clear that you are in control, and give him some control within certain guidelines. I am sure you are familiar with this strategy as a preschool teacher... ie; you have to put your shoes on, choose the blue or the white pair. If he resists, tell him you will make the choice for him, and then calmly but firmly carry through with putting the shoes on...while reminding them repeatedly that they had a choice and this is the choice they made... I found once my kid took me seriously, they would start responding much faster.
hope that makes sense and is helpful.
D., mother of 5

a book that really helped me with my 4 year old is
The Negotiation Generation by the folks who wrote the
How to Talk so kids will listen....books.
It reinforced what I already knew about firm limits but somehow after reading only parts of it things clicked for me. They talk about how some behaviors are non-negotiable (holding hands while crossing the street, no hitting...) their analogy is a fence with no holes, firm non-negotiable limits and within that fence there is room for many choices, fun and creativity.
Hope it helps.

both of my kids are like this.. have you tried rephrasing things?? Can you find your sneakers or what book should we read? I think it's inevitable that your younger one will learn your older one's behaviors... good luck..

A.-this happened with my sister's son and she and her husband were out of their minds for the same reasons as you. I'm very close with them and witnessed all of it (and I'm ready with gloves on with my 2-year-old :]) They also have a daughter the same space apart as yours. They went to see a family therapist about it and through and through the therapist said to get him to connect that if he acts this way, you won't want to be around him. Make a statement with actions that he will be ignored when he behaves this way. Say Very calmly "we don't play with you when you're like this" and just walk away - put him down, leave the room, just change the atmosphere and move onto another subject (magazine, your daughter, dishes, anything to make the statement). The therapist said to teach him the connection between his behavior and yours. "If you misbehave, we will walk away and make ourselves busy with something else." Leave the room for all tantrums. That takes some time and then eventually you can get to the "bring me your sneakers" but one step at a time. He needs to get that connection first. It took about two weeks - it was VERY taxing on them but he needed to go through some boot camp to learn who was boss and in turn felt much safer knowing he wasn't in charge - according to the shrink. Again - it is very difficult because you don't want him to forget you love him and he may feel rejected but just keep explaining that he won't get to be around you guys with that behavior. No problem right? :] Best of luck.

I am a mother of four and we have our fun trying to get them all to listen. There are three important rules to listening that your son is not too young to learn. 1. Look at the person talking, be sure that you are looking at your son in the eyes when you speak to him and that he does the same in return. 2. No talking when you are listening, do not let him speak to you until he has done as you have asked him to do. 3. No figeting while listening, he must be still with his eayes on you. I make mine go over the rules to listening all the time so that they are clear. Good luck!

I have kids those exact ages and genders ;)

I know what you mean, my son seems to thrive on picking on his little sister and making her cry...drives me UP THE FREAKING WALL.

We have had LOTS of success with the book 1,2,3 Magic. Have you read it? It helps me stay focused and not get steamed, because, frankly, if you enter into a battle of wills with a three year old, you are going to lose. Even if you win, you lose. LOL.

You are a preschool teacher so you obviously have lots of experience with neurotypical development. How do you feel about his tantrumming? Do you feel it is on par with a normally developing 3 year old, or do you feel it is excessive? As the mother of a child who was in early intervention (now in early childhood education), I would like to recommend that you get him evaluated NOW rather than later if you feel there is a problem. Talk to his pediatrician or call the special education office in your local PS :)

Hi A.
My friend (oddly enough also named A.) has a son who had outbursts and behavioral issues. Drove her crazy! Daughter has peanut allergies. Put the kids on reliv for kids because of the allergies and it helped immensely with the behavioral stuff-in addition to cutting the peanut allergies in half (per medical testing) I can get you in touch with A..
J. H

Hi A..

I have similar problems with my little boy, who is now four. It began about the time his brother was born, when he was almost three. If anything didn't go the way he expected or desired, he would fly into a tantrum which sometimes lasted for half an hour or more. My husband travels quite a bit with his job, and one evening six months ago when he was away my son had a tantrum that escalated into hysteria. He was hyperventilating and hitting his head against the glass shower enclosure in the bathroom, and I didn't know what to do. So I slapped him. It broke the hysteria, but NEVER do what I did.

The next day at school they called me and asked if he had had an accident. I told them no, I had slapped him when he was hysterical. They referred me to a social worker, who listened to descriptions of my son's behavior and recommended I read a book. It's called "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene. Although the behaviors described in the book are often much more extreme than my son's, a lot of it fits. Basically, it helped me to understand that he doesn't do this to push my buttons. He does it because he can't help it. He hasn't learned how to react appropriately to stressful situations (being discplined is a stressful situation, among others). Sometimes I still think he's being willfully disobedient and needs punishing, but my methods of punishment and the way I administer them have changed. The book and the social worker have taught me methods that work better.

I found some of the stuff described in the book a little scary, and much of it very sad. But don't let that stop you. You'll understand and feel much closer to your son once you get more insight into why he does the things he does. I'm afraid there's no easy fix, at least not with my son, but just keep loving him and working with him, and eventually it will get better.

Good luck!

J.