I Forgot How Tough Mornings Are Once School Starts...

I think everyone hates the transition from summer to school. I think I'd listen and be completely blasé about it all.
"I don't want to go to school."
" I understand. School is not negotiable, so you'd best get some sleep."
"I hate school."
"I hear you, buddy."
"I have no friends."
"Some days are like that. Tomorrow is a new day."

Is there anything going on at the school he is afraid to talk about? Have you spoken with is teachers to rule out bullying and things like that?

I know this may sound crazy, but talking about it with you so much is giving him a payoff of some kind. I don't know if it's his way of getting attention or if somehow it makes him feel justified or maybe he's just not a morning person. But he is getting some kind of payoff by talking about this with you all the time. It's time to change the conversation.

Decide how mornings need to go and then talk to him about your expectations. Do this when he's in a good mood (maybe over dinner), and be calm about it. Just let him know that we need to try for better mornings and let him know what you expect of him - stay positive, no saying "I hate school," no crying, etc. If he does any of those this, stick with something simple like, "Stay positive. None of this, 'I hate school,'" or "Yup, school's not always fun, but we all have to do it." But do not do too much. Short response and then change the subject. That's going to be huge, because that's the essence of what you need to do. You need to change the conversion, out loud and his internal conversation. School isn't always exciting and fun, yadda, yadda, yadda ... that's life, now move on.

Two of my kids loved school, 1 didn't mind it, and the last one HATED it. Since not going to school wasn't an option we presented it as their job. Everyone has a job and right now school is yours. You may or may not like going every day. You may or may not like everything that happens at school. You may want to stay home at times. But when you have a job you have to be there and do your best every single day.

My youngest daughter is a social worker and her technique in dealing with kids who don't want to do things is to be a broken record. She acknowledges their complain and then says what she'd like them to do. Example: I know you don't want to go to school but its time to get ready. Let's get dressed.

Lather, rinse repeat. You are showing that you are listening to his concern while reinforcing what needs to happen next.

If it were just the start-of-school adjustment, I'd say to ignore it and stop engaging all the time with arguments about why school is a positive thing. But it's not just that.

Two things stand out to me:
1) This went on all of last year, with frequent nighttime tears and upset followed by morning complaints and negativity. You dealt with this by "constantly talking to him."
2) You have "researched and determined" that this is not anxiety. Really? Over a whole year, and you never sought out a professional opinion?

I don't know whether your child has anxiety or not. I don't know if he's just trying to get his way and negotiate that which is non-negotiable. And neither do you. The point is, what you did for a year did not work. Your child is unhappy and miserable. Maybe he's oppositional, maybe he's anxious, maybe something happened that he can't even discuss with you. No matter what, he needs techniques to deal with this, and you and your husband don't have the skill set to provide them. No shame in that - if he had a broken leg or a strep throat or if he needed tutoring in advanced calculus, you might not have the skill set for those tasks either! But get him, and you, some help in finding a strategy and mindset that will work every day. Ask the pediatrician for a referral to a child psychologist to help identify the problem's source and what to do about it, and then willingly participate with an open mind about how you can and should modify your approach with him.

Our son can be a beast in the mornings. He hates waking up in the morning, and all logic goes out the window. We call it "morning brain." He does the same thing with summer camps and most fun things. He simply does not like being woken up.

This summer we worked on his behavior. I told him I wasn't going to tell him how to feel, but I wasn't going to tolerate angry or negative words or behaviors. That worked much better.

Definitely make sure he's getting enough sleep. Also, if he has an alarm clock, have him use that and get up on his own. That might help. Often times kids do better if they wake up on their own, rather than being woken up by Mom or Dad.

I agree that it's probably best to stop trying to talk him into being positive. Try not to worry about "The negativity is not a healthy way for him to start his day." Some people need more time to wake up than others. I know I do better if I am awake for about 30 minutes before the kids get up. I need that alone time (and my coffee!). Let him be. He'll find his own way to deal with things. But do let him know what you expect of him. Given a chance, I'm sure he will work to meet your expectations.

My son was just like this at age 9... and it took maturity and time for him to outgrow it. He liked school once he got there, liked being with his friends and liked his teacher. However he just really wanted to stay home and do whatever he wanted all day long. He has a very stubborn personality and really just wanted his way. He would put up a fuss in the mornings that was very unpleasant. Or he'd refuse to get out of bed. Or he would fake an injury or illness. He would get very angry with me when I would stand firm and send him to school. He would to the same thing for other things he did not want to do...not just school. We did end up having him see a therapist during 4th and 5th grade years which helped a lot. Anyway, he just seemed to grow out of it and become more mature by 6th grade. In 7th grade he completely took responsibility for himself in the mornings: getting up, making his lunch, getting ready and getting out the door. I didn't need to do much except say goodbye! So, perhaps your son is like mine and it's a maturity thing.

I have to agree with the moms who say you can't assess whether he has anxiety or not yourself. You might have a suspicion - and if you do, then it might be worth seeing a therapist for him. We did.

I can just share with you my own experiences - I had one who used to hate the bus, to the point where she felt ill. I had one who found school really hard (not academics, but the whole thought of it - but had friends, had activities, was into sports, etc.). The one thing that did not help either of them was me talking. That's where I got some good advice from this site. I had to just shut up and listen. I didn't have to solve it (couldn't anyways) or fix things.

We learned techniques - they learned some to help them cope, and I learned how to parent kids who have low anxiety. When they had the anxiety it seemed huge to me - but really, it was manageable. Mine didn't have to go on medication. We just acknowledged they have it, we learned how to validate their feelings (without going on and on), and we just moved on. We had to keep going with our day.

So I have one who still will on occasion say "I feel like I'm going to throw up" and I'm like "go to the bathroom if you need to, I'll wait". She never does - it's just part of our day the first day of school, etc.

The other one would worry to the point where he was just negative. So talking about it was terrible. He'd then obsess because it became a topic of conversation. So we acknowledge it - we work around it - but it's just something that he has to deal with. He's learned tools, and talking to someone else about it who got it (therapist) was huge for him. He only went to about 4-5 sessions. At that point the therapist told me he had his tools, book only if he needs it again in the future. So far he hasn't.

I had about 3-4 sessions with the therapist - to help me deal with it with my kids. Huge help. I hadn't had a clue.

Some is definitely maturity. They kind of have to own their anxiety. Know how to communicate when they have it, and I'm just supportive. My husband is really good too. We remain calm and don't get negative/upset ourselves. If I have to take a moment, I do.

So I don't know if your son has anxiety (only a therapist can tell for sure) but that's been my experience.

"The negativity is not a healthy way for him to start his day." Fair enough...but how many adults do you know who leap out of bed and smile at the morning sun before skipping off to work?

Maybe he's not a morning person. So, he needs: (1) plenty of sleep, (2) a healthy breakfast, (3) a good evening structure (setting out clothes the night before etc).

Second thing - you "have researched to see if he has anxiety"? No offense to your "research", but unless you are a licensed professional in that area (and even if you are - good to not diagnose your own son), you should have him talk to a therapist/counselor to see what else is going on, anxiety or other. It sounds like this is becoming a pattern for him, and maybe it is more serious than not being a morning person.

My son hates school and I homeschool 😂 I used to feel bad and try to figure out different approaches/curriculum. I know he's more of an auditory learner so I do a lot to accommodate his style. However I have more confidence in my abilities and realize it's not my job to make him love school (impossible) but to teach him.

I am confident he will have the skills he needs when he graduates (he's in 8th) and that's my responsibility. I do let him know attitude is everything and he can have a bad one and trudge through or he can choose to be happy. Personally I choose to be happy. Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. Work still gets done and that's life.

I don't jump up and down to do laundry, taxes, run two businesses etc. every day but I do realize I am very blessed and choose to live accordingly.

I agree with others that speaking to a therapist may give both of you valuable tools for the future. It's so much easier to have those in place before puberty. Seeing someone will empower him and you. There may be issues he's unable to really verbalize that a therapist is trained to help with.

Best to you. It is not our responsibility as parents to smooth our kids ways. It is our responsibility to give them the tools to navigate the terrain.

I would try validating his feelings more than trying to talk him into being positive about school. If you see him teary-eyed, I would comment that he seems sad, is that right? Let him do more of the the talking and try really actively listening to him, repeat back what he says in the conversation so he knows you're listening and he is being heard. Get down on his level, give him lots of eye contact and just some time for hugs and being fully present with him while letting him talk or vent. His feelings are OK. It's not wrong to feel sad or angry about school or anything. It's just really, really hard for parents to not want to change it as quickly as possible or fix it when your child is sad. If his first words are "I hate school" I would say "it sounds like you woke up feeling angry today" and just let him talk. All the while you aren't negotiating about whether or not he's going to school or lecturing, you just keep getting ready, even and matter of factly. His feelings are OK. And he's going to realize without you saying it, that school is going to happen one way or the other, whether or not he's happy or sad about it.

Also the basics start to become very important to keeping moods even, like making sure he's getting plenty or sleep, some physical exercise, and good food he likes, healthy snacks, etc.

This sentence jumped out at me "I have researched to see if he has anxiety; to which I've determined that he doesn't have more than normal levels." I suggest that some internet research doesn't make a person enough of an expert to diagnose anxiety (or lack thereof). I would also like to suggest that since you are out of parenting ideas, an appointment with a real expert is in order. This person could talk with your child, then meet with you afterwards to help you develop better strategies.

Look at the whole picture. You said you had to wake him up. It helps my kids to have everything ready the night before. He might need more sleep, He might need more fresh air and exercise, healthier foods. Does he have your support to sit near him while He does his homework? Would a tutor help. Would inviting kids over so he could make friends help?

Just stuff for you think about. Sometimes stepping back and looking for small ways you can make changes can help.

One of our kids had an issue similar to this one year. The problem? The teacher was a tyrant and got on his case all the time. How do I know this to be true? Because she did it in front of me in the mornings, when I volunteered in the class, when I dropped her off, stood w/her waiting in line to go into the class in the morning, at pick up etc. She became anxious about school and rightfully so. How did we combat this short of pulling her out to homeschool (which I almost did except I needed to keep my job)? I told her to lay low, not do anything to mess up in class drawing unwanted attention to herself, to listen, to remain respectful to the teacher, to just do her work at her desk, to stay in her seat etc. I told her to enjoy herself at recess and to use the bathroom at that time so the teacher couldn't refuse her request to use the bathroom during classroom time.
Is someone being mean to him on the playground? Or picking on him?
Is there someone in his class that's bugging him in class?
Did he have a run in w/the teacher last year?
Ask him what he's nervous about.
Praise him when he's home. Help him with his homework.
Oftentimes I find more about my kids when we talk while driving in the car.
Something about being separated by front and back seat. Less intrusive.
Plan something fun for him after school. Go get ice cream with him. Just the
two of you. Giving him something to look forward to.
Let him get something special for school like a new backpack or sporting ball etc
Tell him if anyone is being mean to him, he needs to talk to you. That you are
there for him.
Talk to his pediatrician to rule out anxiety. Wishing you the best of luck.

Since talking with him doesn't work, maybe you should consider that this is "attention seeking". That and trying to manipulate you.

How about a more strict approach? "Time to get up" and then ignore what he says about hating school. Don't talk about it with him. Just require him to get up, get dressed, eat and get there. When he comes home, he washes his hands, has 30 minutes to decompress (not with TV or computer/games) and then homework done. Then he can play until bedtime.

Kids can really get into the "poor me" thing and learn that this is the only way to get attention from their parents and friends. Kind of like the old "Charlie Brown". You don't have to accept it. You can actually say "I've heard you say this over and over and I don't want to hear that from you." It's kind of like "If you don't have anything nice to say about the dinner I cooked you, don't say anything."

If he gets to the point that he gets defiant, then you should institute meaningful consequences.

Our son went through this in 1st grade - his teacher was awful that year - but by Thanksgiving things had improved.
His 2nd grade teacher was fantastic and he had a wonderful year.
With your son, he seems to be stuck in this pattern and he's not out growing it.
You hate talking and talking about it but he's got to know that the only way you can stop talking about it is if his behavior changes and you no longer have this battle every morning.

Talk to the schools counselor about it and his teacher too.
If school is boring - it might be he's gifted and really bored with being kept in lock step with the class which MUST be kept at the level of the slowest kid in the room.
Our son had trouble with this too - he was ready for Fridays test by Wednesday every week and the endless repetition and quizzes made him bored.
What helped for him was to always have a book on him to read when he finished his work.
He asked the teacher if he could read if his work was finished and if the teacher said yes, then he had something to do which he enjoyed and he wasn't distracting other students.

My old boss has a son that just wasn't a good fit with the school for middle school.
So they home schooled him for a few years - but when he had the chance to get him into a different high school - the school system wouldn't work with them.
They wanted to put him in with 9th graders when he was at the age and level of 11th graders.
So - they enrolled him in a GED program and he graduated a year ahead of his peers within a few months.

A few things stood out to me about this post.
First, are you a doctor? You have done some internet research and determined that he doesn't have anxiety? I mean....really? Or do mean that you have talked with his pediatrician, had him seen by a counselor and THEY have determined that he is fine? Because...that's what you do. You don't self diagnose mental health on the internet.
Second, A child constantly saying every single day that they don't want to go to school, sometimes CRYING...for a YEAR...means that something is up....not that he is "trying to get his way." If you can't figure out what it is, then you need to get him to a professional.
I know, it's hard to think like that, right? I mean, I have an 11 year old and we have gone back and forth about taking him in to see a counselor. (ours is anger issues) If you have done your best (which you believe that you have) and it is still an issue, then I would seek out advice from a professional. And I would definitely NOT just send your son...you and husband need to go to. Not because I think you are bad parents, but because sometimes we have to learn new skills to be better parents to our children. I know I did!!